DARKMATTERS - The Mind of Matt

You met me at a very strange time in my life...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

BattlemaGes Don’t Clean Their Teeth Either



BattlemaGes Don’t Clean Their Teeth Either
(a micro-fiction from the world of Darkmatters)


This fictional account is dedicated to Luke, who has endured almost 13 years
of mind altering tall tales, and to Gail who has helped by not getting freaked
out by the sheer oddness that comes from Darkmatters.

“Enjoy your weapons.
Play, clean and reload them regularly.
That’s what its all about...”
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BattlemaGes don’t
Clean their teeth either

By Matt Adcock

(based on the soon to be best selling children’s book ‘Pirates don’t Clean their teeth’ by Adrian Summerson)

Cleric20 knew today would be great day.
There was no work, so he had the day at home.
Cleric20 was badly hung over but decided he needed to get dressed.
He put on his PWEI flak shirt.
He put on his baggy black trousers.
He put on his semi sentient AI belt v. 3.22.
He put on his girlfriend INT’s bra which had a feather in it - by mistake - and
then took it off again.
“Damn I need a cup of Head Kick Coffee” said Cleric20.

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INT was already downstairs, wearing just a feather boa, she was enjoying
a quiet cup of Head Kick which smelt good.
“Aha you sexy creature, I be sailing on the seven
sea’s today.’ said Cleric20.
“Well, you’re still drunk from last night
probably.” said INT. “Have something to eat.”
“BattlemaGe’s don’t eat breakfast,” said Cleric20, his SocialRating blinked: Barely Alive***
“They should after all the energy we expended last night…” said INT winking.
After a hearty breakfast of Head Kick Coffee and
Nicotine Flakes, Cleric20 decided that it was time to go and settle a score.

“Aha, I’m going out,” said Cleric20, “I might be a while
as I’m gonna take down that evil scumbag Landdsman today.”
“Good luck with that,” said INT, ‘but don’t underestimate that
occult freak-show, I heard he was bad-ass.”
INT’s right, thought Cleric20.
So he set to work…

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He drew a rough plan of President Razour’s London2 HQ.
The automated AI gun emplacements and BattlemaGe sentries.
And there, just past the Blind Man’s Butt nightclub, he drew a skull-and-crossbones.
Because X marks the spot where I’m going to rid the world of a heinous scumbag.

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Cleric20’s robot bodyguard / companion GiX floated downstairs. He has a fine
coating of L2 acid-smog-dust over his shiny faceplate making it look as if he has a beard.
“Cleric20’s going after Landdsman this morning” said INT.
“Oh dear” said GiX.
“He’s going up against him in Razour’s HQ” said INT.
“Is he still drunk from last night?” said GiX.
“I’m just going to the shop” said INT. winking.
“Right” said GiX.
“And I be off to blow that evil mother away.” said Cleric20, loading his favourite two handguns.
“Good luck,” said GiX, “but don’t you need a diversion if you’re planning to sail into Razour’s maximally secure HQ?”
“GiX’s right’ thought Cleric20 so they set to work.

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He salvaged a big holographic packaging that had come with his
life size antique ‘Amber Heard’ companion droid.

GiX and Cleric20 made some special modifications to the crate
which had a blown up archive swimsuit photo of miss Heard
from her part in the 2009 film ‘The Stepfather’.

“That,” said GiX,
“is a very impressive and deadly young lady decoy.”

“It’s a very impressive and deadly young lady decoy
but what the hell are you doing with it?” said INT.
She’d come back from the shops.

“I’m going out now.” said INT looking a bit annoyed
at the life size swim suited Amber Heard holograph.
She looked meaningfully at GiX.
GiX signalled amusement at her with a displacer beam.

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“Shiver my aching bones.” said Cleric20,
“I need some chemical assistance to
sharpen me up for this mission.”

“Good luck,” said GiX administering a shot of
BluebarbitrationIX into Cleric20’s neck.

But don’t you need some back up for this mission too?

“GiX’x right again!” thought Cleric20.
So he went upstairs and fired up his four
favourite PlayGamerDroids (Toora), (Juliaa),
(Emmaa) and (Alicaa).

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It was a long and treacherous journey to Razour’s HQ.
L2’s weather was still screwed and storms and wild waves
of acid-smog-dust swished through the streets.

PlayGamerDroid Alicaa was almost swept into a population
cleansing auto-salvage machine as the motely crew made their
way towards their target but Toora, Juliaa, and Emmaa heroically
rescued her just in the nick of time.
Unfortunately Alicaa’s rubber catsuit was badly ripped
but it actually looked quite good like that…

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Then suddenly, “There it is!” called Cleric20.
For they had found the HQ’s secret back entrance!
Cleric20 pulled the plan from his pocket, along with
a few 'choo-the-meerkat' bite crumbs and a sticky glob
of bio-matter he couldn’t readily identify.

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“We head North!” said Cleric20. This was the agreed
code phrase to begin the assault. So they marched past
the mountains of trash that lined the deserted streets.

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“We head East!”
said Cleric20.
So they marched past the swamped drainage systems
and the volcanic braziers of the skunk-n-mole-meat vendor bots.

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“We head South!” said Cleric20.
So they crept past the Dragon-fury sentry gun-posts equipped
with heavy duty canyons and tiptoed past the BattlemaGes lurking
in their forest-effect guard points.

“We head West!” said Cleric20.
So they marched past Blind Man’s Butt Nightclub.

“What the hell is this, some sort of blatant story filling exercise?”
asked PlayGamerDroid Alicaa. Whose curvy bit of her wonderful body were
trying their best to escape from the ripped rubber catsuit.

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And there on the ground was a giant X. Just between the rotting
corpses of executed traitors and the green bushy thing that turned
out to be an even older pile of corpses mixed with trash.

A real X. In the forecourt of Razour’s HQ! Not even pretend!
Cleric20 looked at his plan. Shook his head to make sure he wasn’t
hallucinating.

He’d made it. Then he looked at his diversionary Amber Heard hologram
which was being admired by a couple rapt looking BattlemaGes.
He’d made that too.
He looked at his back up crew. He hadn’t made them.
But he had got them from a dodgy online contact called ‘Off-his-bed’.

He looked at the X, it was on a partially concealed manhole cover.
He hadn’t made that.
Quickly Cleric20 grabbed his guns opened the cover and leapt in.
There was something there in there! An ancient stepladder disappeared
down.
He slid to the bottom and opened the high security door that was left ajar.
Inside was Landdsman with his back to him.

This was a real treasure of an opportunity.

Cleric20 dropped to a crouch and moved inside.
He put his most favourite gun (named ‘Bruce’) to Landdsman’s head
and pulled the trigger.

Later he regained consciousness back in his apartment, “Mum! Dad!
I found that evil scum and blew him away!” he was shouting.

“Really!” said GiX indicating pleasure with a smile signal.

“Did X mark the spot?”

“Yeah.” said Cleric20.

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“Goodness me,”’ said INT, standing over him – still only wearing
her boa and a smile.
“Are you sure?”

Cleric20 checked. They were indeed blood and brain splatter residue
on his hands.

“Can I have something to eat now?”’ asked Cleric20.

“Of course you can.” said INT suggestively, “As long as you clean your teeth.”

“BattlemaGes don’t clean their teeth.” said Cleric20.

“They do in this house.” said GiX. And he morphed into his true form of Razour and
winked.

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Epilogue (not in the original text but I think there is grounds to draw a similar
conclusion from that work).

“These victim suppressing hallucinatory drugs are great!” smirked Razour, President
of L2 and ultimate agent of evil. His beast nature rippling through his features
distorting his face – showing his massive carnivore fangs and glowing red eyes.
“Landdsman my servant, you can finish him off now!”
Cleric20 looked around desperately and realised he wasn’t in his apartment, he was
held in a restraining beam in what looked like an abattoir.
What he seconds ago been the seductive form of INT morphed into the much less
sexy battle armour of Landdsman who was holding a surgical lance.

“About those teeth…” he grinned and moved forward firing up the diamond cutting
lance…

To be continued:

THE PROMO BLURB:
Nothing can prepare you for BattlemaGes don’t clean their teeth II.
The tale of drunken confusion, evil abduction and torture comes to a climax as a
displaced fiction Captain Addams crash lands in the very real world of Razour’s
London2 HQ just as Cleric20 is about to say goodbye to his teeth at the hands of
mass murdering Landdsman.

Look out for a cameo role for BattlemaGe Sumnerson who can also be found in the original novel:

Darkmatters Chronicle One: Standing on the Brink of Complete Darkness
Currently available only by request from: cleric@another.com



‘A great book, engaging, funny and beautifully written. The sort of book a disturbed individual will want you to read over and over again. I loved it!’ – Amber Heard

Today Cleric20 decides to be a BattlemaGe – and sets about a
highly adventurous assassination mission in London2. There
are enemies, freak weather, robot companion droids and a
dangerous hangover. But most of all – there is a twist that
you’ll never expect.

BattlemaGes don’t clean their teeth is a book designed for
interactive play. Encourage your unwilling reader to try some
of the activities included in the story. Draw a plan, build a
diversionary holographic babe and try to remember it's just a
story! Sweet Dreams…

Don't forget you can buy the original Pirates don't clean their teeth HERE

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