Darkmatters review - Lesbian Vampire Killers

Lesbian Vampire Killers (15)

Dir. Phil Claydon

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

- can't be bothered to read the whole review? Here's the one line or ' Twitter' version:

"nice name, fun idea, weak film... Horne and Corden can and should do better. Don't waste your time"

Sucking the will to live from the audiences across the land come the‘new comedy sensation double act’ of Mathew Horne and James Corden also known as lads from Gavin and Stacey.

These are two really funny blokes (just check their BBC3 TV comedy show – my pick is their YPC sketch which has funky Christian songsters singing tunes like ‘Father Please Touch Me Tonight’) - and heaven knows I've been to enough of those!?

But Lesbian Vampire Killers is just a bawdy,depressingly unfunny Brit comedy effort that fails to satisfy on every level.This is a film obviously aimed at those out there who have to spell out the words in The Sun and think that FHM is a bit ‘high brow’ –basically it’s Nuts Magazine the movie. Crass, sexist and dubious at every turn, if you sign up to see this 87 minutes of knuckle scraping soft-core twaddle you’ll get to spend the time in the company of Fletch (Corden) and Jimmy (Horne) who take an ill advise hiking trip to deepest,darkest Norfolk. Jimmy is chronically unlucky in love and is looking toget over being dumped for the seventh time by his flighty girlfriend Judy(Lucy Gaskell). Fletch on the other hand is a walking hard-on, lager inhis veins and puerile banter only ever a heartbeat away from his lips.

But just shouting ‘get in’ or ‘phowaar look at that’ can’t make youlike or care about characters who really don’t have anything to offer in terms of emotional empathy.You could call this a homage to the saucier 1970s Hammer-horror exploitations flicks that were all the rage for a while but for the factthat Lesbian Vampire Killers isn’t remotely scary or even very saucy.The plot is limited to the two dim main characters straying into the clutches of centuries old evil ‘queen of the vampires’ Camilla – and finding that they might just be the ones referred to in an ancient prophecy. Could these two losers be the foretold heroes to end the evil curse that turns all the womenfolk of Cragwich into blood craving girl fancying creatures of the night upon their 18th birthday? Take a wild guess...It’s perhaps a little unfair to judge this low budget and witless dross to the genius of similar horror comedies such as Shaun of the Dead but I feel that readers need to be warned because the trailer gives the impression that there might be something worth seeing here.

The scariest thing is that the ending sets up a possible sequel – be afraid - although "Big Gay Werewolf Killers" has a certainly disturbing ring to it...

Arbitrary Darkmatters final rating of: öööö (4 - drunken lads only need apply)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:
Action 6
Style 5
Babes 7
Comedy 5
Spiritual Enlightenment -2

Not convinced? check out this review of the film over at The Telegraph

their best line:

"Embracing the film’s retro-sleaze quotient wholeheartedly, Corden has his beer-swilling moments in the first half, before he’s consigned to a fate worse than death – digging around endlessly in badly-lit graves with Paul McGann."