DARKMATTERS - The Mind of Matt

You met me at a very strange time in my life...

Read my novel: Complete Darkness

Listen to the PODCAST I co-host: Hosts in the Shell

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Darkmatters Review: Cloud Atlas

Cloud Atlas (15)

Dir. Tom Tykwer, Andy & Lana Wachowski

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Yesterday, I believe I would never have done what I did today. I feel like something important has happened to me. Is this possible?

Everything is connected in this bonkers, beautiful and totally awesome cinematic experience. Bringing David Mitchell's much acclaimed novel to the screen is a hard ask because it covers diverse stories spread across time from 1849, stopping at 1936, 1973, 2012, 2144, and finally a post-apocalyptic 2321... just not necessarily in order and the whole thing is introduced / ended from another time period even further in the future which forms a narration of sorts by a heavily tattooed Tribal Leader named Zach (Tom Hanks).

"not an out-take from MYST the game/film"

The title ‘Cloud Atlas’ comes from the a document used to classify cloud types and here the essence is of entwined plot strands, themes and voices which tie together to form a stunning whole.

Cloud Atlas has a fantastic mix of tales which encompass ‘The Pacific Journal of Adam Ewing’ which sees Jim Sturgess befriend a slave and get into a moral crisis, his journal is then found propping up a bed in the next timed zone where disgraced young composer Robert Frobisher (Ben Whishaw), seeks solace under the tutelage of Maestro Jim Broadbent and whilst there manages to compose his own "Cloud Atlas Sextet." This stunning piece of music pops up in the nicely named ‘Half-Lives: The First Luisa Rey Mystery’ where journalist (Halle Berry) is on the case of a nuclear power conspiracy... And so it goes with each sub story segment leaping to and fro – so you will need to pay attention.

"this isn't from the 1849 section"

Comic relief is found in the ‘The Ghastly Ordeal of Timothy Cavendish’ where Broadbent’s bumbling Cavendish is tricked into a nursing home by his brother – and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest hijinks ensue, not least of which is the pleasure of seeing Hugo Weaving in drag as the evil Nurse Noakes.

It’s easy to spot the Matrix style visual flair of the Wachowskis in the 'An Orison of Sonmi~451’ which takes place in the Neo Seoul of 2144 and sees the lovely Doona Bae as a genetically-engineered worker clone. Rebel Commander Hae-Joo Chang is a Neo-alike hero adept at gunplay and generally being ‘cool’ – which is easy with the high-gloss CGI effects that put Cloud Atlas firmly into the sci-fi genre.

"The Arsenal supporters club c2144"

This is three hours of top entertainment that will stir your soul, dazzle your eyes and win your heart. A film that demands to be seen more than once and an early contender for film of the year.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö - superb inter-connected cinematic wonderfulness 

5 – See it, it is your destiny...

Awesomeness ööööö – great action, funny comedy, powerful drama!?

Laughs ööö – funny in parts

Horror ööö – things get a little grim in places

Babes ööö – Berry gives good journo and Bae is future eye-candy

Spiritual Enlightenment ööööö - strength of 'doing what's right'

"Your recycle-able Mc Worker" 

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Darkmatters Review: A Good Day To Die Hard

A Good Day To Die Hard (12a)

Dir. John Moore

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“The 007 of Plainfield, New Jersey.”

I was proud to be there when terrorists took over Naktaomi Plaza in ’88, I was back again when Washington Dulles International got hit in ’90 and for the Federal Reserve heist in ’95. I even celebrated the Fourth of July cyber assault in 2007 – all of them having been enjoyed and John McClane elevated in my mind to Godlike status for his insane against the odds one man saving the day antics…

Now Bruce Willis resurrects his most famous hero again in order to take down a serious threat by some very nasty and powerful Russian politically motivated criminals.  Embroiled in the mix is McClane’s estranged son Jack or John McClane Junior (Jai ‘Jack Reacher’ Courtney) who is banged up in Moscow awaiting trial. What’s a renegade cop dad to do but fly straight over to Russia and try to save his son’s bacon?

"Father / son 'Bonding' time"

But things aren’t what they seem and before you can say ‘erm I think your son might not actually be a criminal but rather be a CIA agent deep undercover’, young Jack McClane is busy breaking a fellow prisoner named Komarov (Sebastian Kock) out of jail. Komarov has a file which can ruin heavyweight politician Chagarin (Sergey Kolesnikov) – and so is obviously being chased by a small army of baddies who think nothing of mounting a full scale gun and bomb assault on the courthouse where the Komarov’s trial is taking place.

The plot is the least ‘Die Hard’ to date – it’s basically less ‘one man against the odds’ and more ‘two men get caught up in a nuclear weapon conspiracy’ – at least director Moore has the decency to include one excellent car chase, some impressive (if unhappily toned down thanks to the 12a rating) firefights and several other action scenes.

"Excuse me Miss Yuliya Snigir - this is a 12a!"

So the real question is: “is it A Good Day To Die Hard?” And the answer is ‘yes’ as long as you compare this to rivals such as the neutered Taken 2 and Bourne Legacy, or the creaky Stallone effort Bullet to the Head or even Arnie’s The Last Stand. A Good Day To Die Hard can’t compete with Skyfall or The Raid as a ‘triple A’ action blast and it is definitely the weakest Die Hard of the series but it packed enough thrills to have won over my eldest son who took his girlfriend to it and both came away having enjoyed the lightweight action mayhem.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö1/2 - Yippe-Ki-Yay again 

3.5 – even the twitching corpse of the Die Hard franchise is worth watching!

Awesomeness öööö – a couple of great scenes

Laughs öö – some funnies but nothing memorable

Horror ö – too tame

Babes ööö – Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Yuliya Snigir are yum

Spiritual Enlightenment öö - fight for what's right!

That’s probably enough Yippee-Ki-Yaying now though…

"Mary Elizabeth Winstead is back as Lucy McClane"

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Death Race 3: Inferno - Review

Death Race 3: Inferno (18)

Dir. Roel Reiné

Starring: Luke Goss, Danny Trejo, Tanit Phoenix, Frederick Koehler, Robin Shou

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“ Let me show you what true vision really looks like.”

What do the words ’straight to DVD’ mean to you? In terms of Death Race (parts 2 and 3) which follow the big screen Paul WS Anderson remake of the 1975 Roger Corman cult classic oddity they should mean ‘stupid, violent, sexist, limited thrill nonsense’… But if you’re looking for some stupid, violent, sexist, limited thrill nonsense then Death Race 3: Inferno delivers all that and does it in more style than you might expect.

"There goes the neighbourhood!" 

This effort from B-movie specialist Roel ‘Scorpion King 3’ Reiné picks up straight away from the equally low budget, cheap-n-cheerful thrills of Death Race 2. Luke Goss is back in the lead role of Carl Lucas – or ‘Frankenstein’ as he’s affectionately known - the brutal, stunt driving star of the dodgy future televised sport Death Race. Frankenstein is your average baddie with a heart of gold, which doesn’t mean that he won’t wheel-spin on your head if gets the chance…

Part 3 sees Death Race founder Weyland (Ving Rhames) get bumped out of his own franchise by slimy suit Niles York (Dougray Scott) who dreams of taking Death Race global with franchises in every continent. To keep the show’s viewing figure s though York needs to keep Frankenstein front and centre for the audience – so he promptly ships him and his pit team off to the help launch the new Kalahari Desert Death Race.


So we get a Death Race – think Wacky Races just with guns and sexy clad female co-drivers – with added Kalahari Warlords, sand dunes and shanty towns for the vehicles to plough through. The plot creaks along – stopping for some Nuts reader friendly scenes such as one of the females taking a long lingering nude shower in the dusty prison and an all female deathmatch which sees the various babes punching, kicking, axe-murdering and flame-throwing each other to death – just to earn their place in the race. 

Danny Trejo gives good support and there is a ton of eye-candy in the shapely forms of Roxane Hayward, Charlbi Dean Kriek and the returning Frankenstein pal Tanit Phoenix. Dougray Scott does ok in the baddie role and there is some tasty vehicular action (although it doesn’t always look very convincing).


The extras on the disc are pretty standard stuff – but I guess it would be churlish to expect cutting edge special features from a bargain DVD premier like this.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters: 

öö1/2 – Dim-witted but intermittently entertaining nitrous boosted B movie

 2.5 – the DVD equivalent of junk food

"Tanit - back from Part 2"

"Charlbi Dean Kriek - models underware when not death racing"

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Darkmatters - Bafta Winners 2013 Reaction

Bafta Winners 2013

Matt Adcock's reaction - click the titles to read the Darkmatters reviews

Best Film (this is the one that counts let's face it...)


"A great film, a tough top 5 to beat - Ben Affleck is born again as a quality director!!"

Runners up...

Les Misérables

Life of Pi


Zero Dark Thirty

Speaking of Afflect - Best Director (yes, really!)

WINNER = Ben Affleck for Argo

"Loved the film and have been very impressed with Affleck - from plank to top director!"

Runners up...

Michael Haneke - Amour
Quentin Tarantino - Django Unchained
Ang Lee - Life of Pi
Kathryn Bigelow - Zero Dark Thirty

Lead Actor

WINNER = Daniel Day LewisLincoln

"Three hours of dialogue driven screen time, nobody does it quite like Day Lewis!"

Runners up...

Ben Affleck - Argo
Bradley Cooper - Silver Linings Playbook
Hugh Jackman - Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix - The Master

Lead Actress

WINNER = Emmanuel Riva - Amour

"Am yet to see this but she does look a bit like my mum... hope for my mum yet to win a Bafta then!?"

Runners up...

Jessica Chastain - Zero Dark Thirty
Marion Cotillard - Rust and Bone
Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook
Helen Mirren - Hitchcock

British Film

WINNER = Skyfall

Psychologist: I'm going to say a word, and I want you to say the first word that comes into your head. For example, if I say, 'day', you say...
James Bond: Wasted.
Matt Adcock: Highest grossing British film of all time?

Psychologist: Agent.
James Bond: Provocateur.
Matt Adcock: Better than Bourne.

Psychologist: Woman?
James Bond: Provocatrix.
Matt Adcock: Bond girl?

Psychologist: M.
James Bond: Bitch. [M sighs from the other side of the interrogation room]
Matt Adcock: Goodbye.

Psychologist: Gun.
James Bond: Shot.
Matt Adcock: Play.

Psychologist: Murder.
James Bond: Occupation.
Matt Adcock: That feeling when you start a blog post like this...

Psychologist: Country.
James Bond: England.
Matt Adcock: Any as long as it's not followed by the words 'and Western'.

Psychologist: Skyfall. [Bond suddenly pauses]
Psychologist: Skyfall. [Continued pause]
James Bond: Done. [Bond walks out]
Matt Adcock: WINNER!

Runners up...

Anna Karenina
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Les Misérables
Seven Psychopaths

Read the rest of the Bafta winners etc here: www.bbc.co.uk

Darkmatters Review: Wreck-It Ralph

Wreck-It Ralph (PG)

Dir. Rich Moore

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“This is it, ladies! The kitten whispers and tickle fights end now!”

I’m a videogame fan – I’ve played a lot of videogames throughout the years… I was there in 1978 when Space Invaders came out in the lovely arcade machines format (when home consoles like the mighty PS3 were just future dreams). My first home machine was a ZX Spectrum which I won from my junior school in 1982 – Manic Miner, Jetpac, Sabre Wulf, The Lords of Midnight then ate my life…

So now the circle is complete and videogames have finally merged with film – and not just as The Last Starfighter / Super Mario Bros / Street Fighter or Tron - (and will again Ready Player One) – but Wreck-It Ralph does magic on the big screen thanks to Disney having learned a CGI trick or two from the mighty Pixar…

“My name's Ralph, and I'm a Bad Guy. I'm 9 feet tall. I weigh 643 pounds. 
Got a little bit of a temper on me.” 

Wreck-It Ralph (John C. Reilly) is the chunky videogame bad guy who wants more than that – he wants to prove himself with a ‘Heroes Medal’ – but unfortunately these medals can only be won by ‘good guys’…

So Ralph sets off through the leads behind his arcade unit and via a central hub he enters Heroes Duty – a mash up of Halo and Resistance where heavily armoured battle marines fight huge killer bugs. Ralph meets beautiful but bad-ass commander Calhoun (Jane ‘Glee’ Lynch) – who is shapely formed in HD graphics, a fantastic juxtaposition when she mixes with Ralph and other game characters from lower resolution games!?

Director Rich ‘Simpsons’ Moore delivers exactly what gamers who remember the classic 8-bit gaming generation – for we aging gamers who were there, Wreck-It Ralph is a sensory pleasure nostalgia trip that sets it way above the normal Disney output. I took my 12 year old son who enjoyed it a lot but who didn’t ‘get’ half of the references or cameos from the game characters and even sound effects. Wreck-It Ralph is choc full of Easter Eggs for videogame fans — seemingly with a genuine love for all things game-related…

"Looking good in HD"

I was absolutely beaming seeing Streetfighter’s Ken and Ryu chatting about their needing a drink after a hard day’s fighting and there’s pure gaming joy in hearing the various game themes, sound effects and half glimpsed shots of characters from other games gone by…

Don’t worry too much about the plot – it’s all bit Mario-Kart by the end, just sit back and let some of the best visual CGI (especially in 3D) wash over you. It’s a fantastic feel good 1 UP of a movie for all ages – even bad guys will enjoy!! Ready Player One – your mission is to go see Wreck-It Ralph.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö1/2 -wreck-ognition deserved!! 

4.5 – game on for film fans!

Awesomeness öööö – videogames are cool

Laughs ööö – not out and out comedy but lots of fun

Horror ö – very tame

Babes ööö – CGI battle armoured babe anyone?

Spiritual Enlightenment öö - be the best you can be!

Darkmatters Review: Warm Bodies

Warm Bodies (12a)

Dir. Jonathan Levine

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

'Who says romance is "dead"?'

It’s often not easy winning the affections of girl of your dreams – but it’s a lot harder when you’re a decaying reanimated corpse with a passion for eating the brains of the living!?

That’s the plot of Warm Bodies though, based on the novel by Isaac Marion, which tells the tale of a love struck young zombie named ‘R’ (Nicholas Hoult) who might be dead and cold but he has the hots for the still living hottie Julie (Theresa ‘I Am Number Four’ Palmer).

Is there any way that these star-crossed lovers can overcome the small problem of one of them being dead? Is love really more powerful than death? Warm Bodies has a lot of fun finding out – in the very capable hands of director Jonathan ‘All The Boys Love Mandy Lane’ Levine – this is the smartest, funniest zombie-em-up since Zombieland or Shaun of the Dead.

"Zombies love Blu-ray!"

‘R’- a not so subtle reference to Romeo - is probably the most sympathetic cinematic zombie ever – he provides a superb, witty and eloquent voiceover – filing in the viewers as to the apocalyptic situation where the majority of the populace have been turned into shuffling undead. There are also the ‘bonies’ – nastier feral undead skeletons who have lost traces of their humanity and who pose a threat not just to humans but to the zombies too.

The course of true love does not run smooth however and it seems unlikely that R will win Julie’s heart as the first time they meet he ends up killing her boyfriend and eating his brains. If you’ve ever wondered why zombies are so keen on brains R explains that it is because it allows them to glimpse memories of the person whose brain they are munching on – which makes them feel ‘less dead’.

Warm Bodies gets the balance of romance, comedy and action just right – the big picture plot of how Julie and R’s relationship might just save humanity sits within a strong paranoid threat that the last humans won’t be able to hold out as the resources begin to run dry.

"oohhh cold hands..."

This is a wicked riff on the classic Romeo and Juliet plot which will resonate with fans of Twilight as much as those who like more hardened horror / comedy. Shakespeare probably didn’t see brains as the food of love but Warm Bodies delivers such a feel good jolt of reanimation for the romance genre that it deserves to be a hit.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö -  Excellent fun and full of heart too!

4 – Breathes new life into the zombie film genre!!

Awesomeness öööö – cool chases, action scenes and funnies

Laughs öööö – laugh out loud often, smirk-em-up lines too

Horror ööö – Bit nasty in places (to be expected of a zombie film)

Babes ööö – Teresa Palmer is yummy - see below

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö - love is more powerful than death!?

"miss Palmer bends over backwards to promote the film!"

Monday, February 04, 2013

Darkmatters - Win End of Watch on Blu-ray

Win a copy of the excellent END OF WATCH on Blu-ray!!

To celebrate the DVD and Blu-ray release of End of Watch, Darkmatters have 3 lovely shiny Blu-rays of the film to give to you...

"Hey I heard that Darkmatters were giving away our Blu-ray!"

In case you've not seen the film yet... Matt Adcock fills you in:

Lock and load for David ‘Street Kings and Harsh Times’ Ayer's powerful found-footage cop-drama-em-up. End of Watch is an awesomely kinetic free flowing tale of two likeable cops who get marked for death when they inadvertently tick off a powerful / evil drug cartel who have started operating on their L.A. beat.

End of Watch made our Darkmatters Top 10 Films of 2012

How do you win?

In order to be in with the chance to win a copy of End of Watch on Blu-ray - simply email Darkmatters@Another.com with your name, age and cop nickname e.g. Matt, 41, ClericCop

This competition is open to UK resisdents only - winners will be notified week before release (hits the UK on the 18th March).

"I wanna win a copy on Blu-ray!"

Blu-Ray Review...

This is the definative Cop Movie - if you're a fan of gritty cop thriller then End of Watch is the new gold standard!!

Gyllenhal and Peña are absolutely fantastic in the lead roles - creating a believable and likeable police buddy partnership – it feels all the more authentic due to the two having spent time with actual LAPD officers.

Love interests are on hand in the form of Anna Kendrick and Natalie Martinez, who give the film an even stronger emotional core. Viewing End of Watch is like hanging out with two best pals whose friendship is forged in the heat of battle and constant threat of danger into a strong genuine bond.

The obligatory bad guys are a small army of tattooed scumbag foot soldiers led by Big Evil (Maurice Compte) – playing against type as he was a Police Officer in the TV Cop drama Southland. The fact that the baddies have cameras as well allows for an awesome ambush scene shot from both viewpoints.

If you get this disc - be sure to check the cool Audio Commentary, where writer / director David Ayer talks through his choices of production, cast and the unique camerawork style.

There are also some featurettes where cast and crew members discussing the script, characters, production and the rigorous training and some  deleted scenes...

Grim, funny and altogether exciting, be careful out there and be sure to check End of Watch!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö – Best cop thriller for a long time!

Buy it here: www.amazon.co.uk

Sunday, February 03, 2013

Movie 43 Guest Review

Movie 43 (15)

Dir. various - all of whom should have known better!

Reviewed by Tom 'CultureSlap' Wade

A film so bad that it may be the evidence you’ve been looking for to prove the existence of Satan.

“What’s the worst film you’ve ever seen?” is a question that people like to ask you once they’ve realised that you enjoy watching films. In the past I’ve had to chuckle sadly before scratching my chin dramatically before rambling about how the worst film I’ve seen is more to do with the film that has let me down in terms of my expectations blah blah blah. No need to do that anymore. Movie 43 is the worst film I’ve ever seen. 

"No - not even Leprechauns can save this movie"

Apparently Movie 43 is a film for the generation that has grown up on Youtube and Funny or Die. The generation that likes our jokes nice and quick or laughing at inappropriate moments where people are humiliated.

Ask yourself this: 'Are you a human so depraved that you’d log onto your neighbours non-protected Wi-Fi?'  Well I’ve got some sad news; even you won’t enjoy Movie 43. Movie 43 is a sad, shallow, celebrity stacked shock ‘comedy’ that is so bereft of any form of talent, skill or filmmaking ability that even Jesus would possibly struggle to forgive it. 

"Chloe Moretz is tipped off by her agent that she's in this film"

Yes it doesn’t attempt to disguise the fact that it’s lowbrow humour, but that doesn’t mean it should get away with its crimes. The most perplexing thing about Movie 43 therefore is just how on earth they managed to get an A-list cast topped by Academy Award-winners Halle Berry and Kate Winslet, as well as Oscar-nominees Uma Thurman, Naomi Watts, Hugh Jackman and Terrence Howard involved. (For an idea on how this happened, check out this Guardian article). Hugh looks for the antidote to the poison he was forced to take in order to appear in this mess.

To suggest that Movie 43 is funny is a bit like approaching Stephen Hawkins with a thesis on your idea that the world is flat. A collection of ever degrading comedy sketches directed by ‘talents’ such as Peter Farrelly (There’s Something about Mary) and Brett Ratner (the man who ruined X-Men and kept Chris Tucker employed for far too long), the film is essentially a series of skits presented via a couple of teenagers who have fooled another kid into believing that there is an ultra-forbidden movie somewhere on the internet called Movie 43.

In trying to track it down,he uncovers a series of other scenes. Why we need a linking mechanism isn’t really explained, perhaps it was to use up more time and pretend there is a story. The best of the bunch (which is a bit like asking which bout of constipation has been your favourite in the past year) is the first vignette, “The Catch,” which revolves around Kate Winslet’ blind date from Hell with Hugh Jackman (Huge Action as he is really called). Jackman is a successful, eligible bachelor with a distracting problem, a hairy scrotum hanging from his neck in place of an Adam’s apple. It’s a sight gag at best and there isn’t much more to say about that. If dangling testicles isn’t enough to get your funny bone tickling, the next section “Homeschooled” might be more your thing with some ‘hilarious’ moments revolving around incest and pedophilia. But what if you don’t find that funny? Pffft, is what the filmmakers are saying back to you – just chill out and stop being like so stuck up! 

"there's nothing 'super' on offer here"

Halle Berry apparently signed some sort of contract for her breasts to co-star in “Truth or Dare,” but for her dignity to stay at home, while Terrence Howard stars in a basketball section about making his team realise that they are all black. I can only imagine that Tarantino has seen this film multiple times for this section alone. I could go through the other shorts on offer but that’d really be wasting everyone’s time. All I can do is implore you, when we’ve got films such as Lincoln, Zero Dark Thirty, Django Unchained, What Richard Did and Flight out at the cinema – don’t go see this.

Don’t encourage the people involved. Youtube is made so that films like these can be buried or disappear after an hour in the limelight, don’t give Movie 43 your hard earned time and attention.

Darkmatters & CultureSlap Rating: 0/5

"this is what the marketing people of Movie 43 have stooped to"

Bullet To The Head - Live Tweet Review

Bullet To The Head (15)

Also available over at the awesome CultureSlap here's our live tweet review of Stallone’s latest...

Reviewed by Matt Adcock & Tom Wade

  1. Ok so #B2TH is the hastag if you want to come on this Bullet to the Head live tweet, with the live tweet action hero that is @TomCultureSlap
  2. This cinema is equipped with live tweeting 4 those with sight / hearing problems or those who just can’t be bothered 2 go out tonight #B2TH
  3. Kevin Bacon advert you make me sad. Please stop Kevin Bacon. #B2TH
  4. 30 seconds. Stallone has first kill. Dodgy VoiceOver started ‘this is the way my story went down’ #B2TH
  5. #B2TH flip titles only just rolling and already there’s a bullet flying out of the screen – it pseudo 3D…
  6. Stallone has no problems with cats. First joke about Stallone being old made #B2TH
  7. Man dancing in pants. Obligatory women in shower shot. Stallone in suit, Christian Slater is in the film! #B2TH
  8. ‘Keep your pants on!’ Says the man wearing only pants. Heh #B2TH
  9. Sleazy drug n boozed up baddie looks a bit like@TomCultureSlap #B2TH – oops he just told Stallone to F himself… Now he’s dead!?
  10. Second ‘bullet to the head’ already. Stallone is on fire! #B2TH
  11. Stallone shouldn’t shave off the goatee. It means you can see more of his plastic face#B2TH
  12. Nice guy Stallone doesn’t shoot innocent naked hooker witnesses – what a gent! #B2TH
  13. You can’t get the partners these days. Stallone leaves his partner alone for two minutes to pee and he goes and gets himself killed. #B2TH
  14. Toilet cubical fistfights FTW, looks like Stallone needs a new partner… #B2TH
  15. Now Stallone’s face shows either anger or constipation due to not finishing on the toilet. I can’t be certain. #B2TH
  16. This hooker appears to have a magical panther tattoo that makes everyone suffer from shifty eyes when they look at it #B2TH
  17. Seriously graphic autopsy – a la Grey’s Anatomy#B2TH Stallone’s growls form idiot’s guide voice over explanation for those not keeping up!
  18. Stallone brings his own drink to a bar and rents a glass. Badass #B2TH
  19. Stallone now fighting via a car. Requires less movement. Clever. #B2TH
  20. Ok first proper shootout ends with Stallone running over baddie and dropping clunky dialogue ‘do it my way or we don’t do it at all’ #B2TH
  21. Quick trip to a tattoo parlour/surgery/bra free zone. Dialogue still bringing the most unintentional laughs #B2TH
  22. Stallone’s tattoo parlor female pal has chest sparrow tats just like @lauralrobinson #B2TH
  23. @laurahaddow looks that way – @tomcultureslapis absolutely loving #B2TH by the look on his face!?
  24. ‘So far what you got?’ ‘Well I’ve got you…’ Stallone unintentionally flirting furiously with his new partner #B2TH
  25. Stallone enters sauna, partner: ‘you’ve got 10 minutes and then I’m coming in’ meow!#B2TH
  26. #B2TH “lets go take a bath” Stallone likes to get close to his partners… Arguing over weapons now – mobile phone vs apple core…
  27. ‘Guns don’t kill people, bullets do’ Stallone takes a detour into the philosophical #B2TH
  28. Stallone is now in his pants and fighting. His body resembles The Thing from fantastic 4. Another bullet to the head #B2TH
  29. Pattern so far: car banter, Stallone walks in slow motion, fight with quick shaky cam, bullet to head, move on and repeat. #B2TH
  30. @Cleric20 @TomCultureSlap Following your live tweets for #B2TH. It’s almost like being there…but I’m at home sipping hot chocolate.
  31. Stallone wearing a party mask. Most expression he’s shown all film. #B2TH
  32. #B2TH Memorable lines like “Bang. Down. Owned…” Heroes now masked up for swanky party – dress code is suits for guys, topless for girls
  33. ‘Whip it and zip it party boy’ says Stallone. Second toilet beat down already #B2TH
  34. #B2TH Christian Slater being interrogated / out act Stallone… “There’s nothing you can do to me that I haven’t done to myself for fun!”
  35. Nice. Lots if story exposition disguised as interrogation scene. Stallone hasn’t shot anyone for 10 mins. Disappointing #B2TH
  36. Stallone is wearing the most remarkable top. A deep V, tight at the top and yet loose and baggy at the bottom. Remarkable #B2TH
  37. @TomCultureSlap you remember when Walter Hill made decent films? Been a while now?#B2TH
  38. Ah the old buddy partner bonding – cant last though as cop vows to take Stallone down… We’ll see #B2TH
  39. ‘I’ll be waiting Confucius’ says Stallone, no doubt mourning the loss of a good philosophical debate in the world of hit men #B2TH
  40. ‘I’m going to give them what they want, get her back, and then they die’ says Stallone helpfully explaining what’s going to happen #B2TH
  41. Another bullet to the head – must be in double figured now… #B2TH daughter / flashdrive trade arranged – going to end in tears / bullets
  42. Do abandoned industrial warehouses only exist to house kidnap victims and stage firefights? America is dangerous #B2TH
  43. Stallone’s one liners are getting worse “cavebear” he quips to bearded goon… #B2TH
  44. “I’ll teach you never to trust a man who doesn’t care about money…” By shooting you… No honour among baddies #B2TH
  45. This action scene has revolved around Stallone slowly making his way down lots of stairs looking out of breath #B2TH
  46. ‘Looks like it’s down to you and me’ ‘what are we Vikings?’ ‘Pick it up!’ Grunt grunt ‘I’m impressed’ ‘ouch, you ok?’ #B2TH
  47. Time for climactic one on one axe fight #B2THnicely choreographed – not hard to guess who wins…
  48. Everyone bad appears to be dead. If that was the sum total of an action film, I believe ‘flaccid’ would be the term to use #B2TH
  49. When Stallone walks I can’t tell if the film has gone into slow motion or not. That time it turns out it was slow motion #B2TH
  50. Wow. The last shot and line revolved around a product placement. Stay classy Stallone!#B2TH
  51. Ends with a car advert for Ferrari – “why not? Nobody lives forever!” #B2TH
  52. So it’s over. Thankfully it was short. Awful dialogue, slow action, Stallone sleepwalking, and little action to get excited about. #B2TH
  53. Right that’s us done, sorry for clogging up your twitter! #B2TH
  54. #B2TH @TomCultureSlap asks “you sure Stallone hasn’t had a stroke that I didn’t hear about?”#actingmasterclass
  55. #B2TH all done – wouldn’t normally tweet a film but Stallone movies are an exception
    "Sarah Shahi shows what she thought of being in Bullet to the Head"

"this poor girl has 'just seen Bullet to the Head' eyes... can you help?"