DARKMATTERS - The Mind of Matt

You met me at a very strange time in my life...

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Film Review: DOA: Dead or Alive


"so very hot..."

DOA: Dead or Alive (15)
Dir. Corey Yuen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Prepare yourself. Only those blessed with very special appreciation skills will find enlightenment in DOA: Dead or Alive. For in accordance with the ancient Xbox prophecy: “The hottest babes in Christendom will come forth clad in bikinis and fight in slow motion for about an hour and half. Then shall the males of the world remember to breathe again and return to their places of habitat primed for some serious joystick action...”
Yes – DOA is the computer game(s) of the same name made flesh and in a level of inspired casting possibly never to be equaled the ‘flesh’ in question belongs to the smokin hot Holly Valance, Sarah Carter, Devon Aoki and Jaime Pressly. Oh there are a couple of guys in it too but they are just bit parts, especially so called villain Donovan (played ineptly by Eric Roberts – brother of Julia no less).
DOA is all about ‘girl power’ and it expresses this through lingering shots of the nubile combatants as they compete in clandestine tournament to find the world’s best fighter. You might wonder how this works in terms of cinematic style, tone, vision and ambience – I think the words of my esteemed nineteen year old friend Tom who’s studying at Cambridge answers those questions in full: “Best Film Ever!”
Director Corey ‘The Transporter’ Yuen certainly takes his job of recreating the deeply mysterious nature of the pixelated fighting / beach volleyball simulations seriously here. There may never have been a martial arts actioner more blatantly designed to please red blooded males but at least it doesn’t try to be anything other than ‘House of the Flying Bikinis’. There are no real redeeming features apart from the sheer novelty factor of seeing scenes like when Holly Valance’s thief character Christie manages to take out a whole squad of police officers whilst putting on her underwear. It’s challenging stuff I tell you.
You’ll have undoubtedly already some idea by now if this is the sort of thing you want to witness on the big screen – but as computer game adaptations go, this is one of the most faithful (and probably lucrative).
For those looking for something other than hot women in bikinis beating the living daylights out of each other – you might want to try ‘Children of Men’ the new Clive Owen starring near future shock tale where mankind has become sterile (more on this next week).


Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):

Action öööö – Butts get kicked (very cute female butts mostly)
Laughs öö – Not a laugh riot unless you're trying to take it seriously
Horror öö – No blood, nothing too grim actually
Babes ööööö – Awesome, just awesome

Overall either öööö (if you're a fan of the games)
or öö (if you don't 'get' videogames or films based on them)



"I think this picture speaks for itself..."

Earlier post about DOA -babetastic

Other screen females worthy of your attention:

Keira Knightley

Jessica Alba's Ass

Natalie Portman

Leighton Meester

Darkmatters: H O M E

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5 comments:

Richard Brunton said...

Bugger it - I'm there Matt! I'll be watching it this Friday...on my own....ahem. Better not take a jacket.

Tom Wade said...

If this doesn't get an oscar there will be a serious price to pay... What acting!!

Trish said...

I have to agree with Tom Wade. The acting is sure to be superior. I'm thinking a Meryl Streep influence.

Anonymous said...

DOA RULES!!!!!!!!

sevenwarlocks said...

My take on the film was not too different from yours. You know a film has reached a special level of tarty, trashy, delicious cheesiness when it seems surprising that an actress of Jaime Pressly’s caliber deigns to appear in it. Clearly, no philosophical analysis of the film is necessary. Nevertheless, here is mine: http://oxidianative.blogspot.com/

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