DARKMATTERS - The Mind of Matt

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Sunday, January 06, 2013

Darkmatters Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D

Texas Chainsaw 3D (18)

Dir. John Luessenhop

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Welcome back to Texas… Come, enjoy the scenery, meet the locals and their shiny power-tools – they are very keen to get acquainted with you…

So somebody, somewhere thought we needed another ‘sequel’ to Tobe Hooper's extremely influential and highly unnerving cult classic horror. Director John Luessenhop at least has the decency to recognise that none of the existing sequels (the comedy 'classic' part 2 notwithstanding), prequel effort, or the 2003 reboot were anything like as good as the original but has he made this 3D follow on a worthy successor?

In a word ‘no’… Texas Chainsaw 3D might have an opening credit sequence featuring some of the key ‘kills’ from the first film but alas this only proves to highlight the gulf in quality between the two. This brutal-but-dim cash in tells the tale of young Heather (Alexandra ‘Percy Jackson films’ Daddario) who inherits a huge Texan estate owing to her being a blood relative of the original chainsaw cannibal family —the infamous Sawyer clan.

"hey I like the house - wonder what's in the basement!?"

Heather though isn’t the only surviving Sawyer – chief chainsaw wielding, other people’s face wearing, murderous man-child Leatherface (this time played by Dan Yeager) is somehow living happily in the basement of the house she inherits. Because obviously it’s likely that a 6 foot 5 inch homicidal lunatic could live for 20 odd years undetected in his grandma’s house!?

Anyway, along with Heather the nubile teen victims include her boyfriend Ryan (Trey Songz), plus pals Nikki (Tania Raymonde) and Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sanchez). The plot goes into predictable teens die one after other mode and limps along unconvincingly. The unnecessary 3D is mostly used to show off the girls’ figures – literally some shots of dialogue are from behind a hotpant wearing Raymonde whose derriere fills the screen / or for stupid ‘it’s coming out the screen’ chainsaw shots.

After the hackneyed running around screaming / dying section the plot climaxes with redneck Mayor (Paul Rae) taking on Leatherface one on one and that’s where the plot tries for one last twist which asks us to root for the fabled baddie.

"he's behind you..."

Also it seems that filmmakers remaking or adding sequels to horror franchises should note: gruesomeness does not equal scariness – just saying.

Unfortunately not even cameos from the original Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) and Chop Top (Bill Mosley) from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 can lift proceedings.

In the end this is one Chainsaw that should have been left in the packaging…

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öö - squanders more horror fan goodwill

– not the sequel the original deserves

Awesomeness ööö – a few good moments

Laughs öö – dodgy acting provides some LOLs

Horror öööö – grissly and grim all over

Babes ööö – Daddario and Raymonde are kinda hot

Spiritual Enlightenment -öö - slaughter is not an acceptable hobby

"nice collection of chainsaws..."

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