Darkmatters Review: Harry Brown

Harry Brown (18)

Dir. Daniel Barber

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: granturino-uk

If you can’t beat em – shoot em! That’s the motto of vengeful pensioner Harry Brown (an excellent Sir Michael Caine), a man driven to take drastic vigilante action when his friend is brutally murdered by a gang of feral youths.

Harry Brown is a powerful, violent and deeply shocking film - a very poignant commentary on ‘broken Britain’ where kids kill for fun and drug dealers rule lawless council estates. There has been much media discussion about the Daily Mail pleasing ‘decent man fights back against nasty wrong-un drugged up teens’ and have to admit that it certainly strikes a chord. I saw this in Luton where during the screening a fight broke out amongst the viewers – it was life imitating art in the scariest possible way.

Harry is an uncomplicated man, his life consists of simple pleasures such as playing chess with his best mate Leonard (David ‘Filch from Harry Potter’ Bradley). Harry’s wife is dying though and when he loses first her and then Leonard, he’s left with nothing but a itch to seek justice for his friend’s death.

The police don’t come across well here, first there’s the compassionate but ultimately useless DCI Frampton (Emily Mortimer). She works with the young ambitious Hickcock (Charlie Creed-Miles) whose beat is the hell hole estate Harry Brown shares with scum of the earth gangs, one of which killed Leonard. Harry however has an inner steel, and thanks to his marine training he sets about taking the law into his own hands.

"My name is... Harry Brown"

Director Daniel Barber delivers a beautifully crafted film - the crunching violence hits hard but isn’t dwelt on and is fairly integral to the plot. Caine in the lead role is fantastic, mixing a believable amount of angst, hopelessness and grit into what could become a cult classic character to rank up there with Jack Carter. The other stand out performance is from Ben Drew who follows up his similar role in Adulthood by embodying the vilest young scumbag on the block ‘Noel’ and is becoming the ‘go to guy’ for these ne’er-do-well types.

Harry Brown is without doubt the scariest film I’ve seen this year, it’s just too plausible and all the more terrifying for that. If you have the stomach for violent scenes and want a haunting view of society unravelling from both ends, pay a visit to Mr Harry Brown.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – viva la marine pensioners!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 9 (nicely done even if hard to watch)

Style 8 (excellently grim visuals)

Babes 7 (Klariza Clayton is a hottie)

Comedy 6 (not much fun this - there is some)

Horror 8 (strong grimness in parts)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (will make you pray for our nation...)

The WILD THINGS are coming!!

Darkmatters is excited about the new 'Where the Wild Things Are' film...

After you've checked out the excellent trailer above - try this cool interview with the creature creators: http://www.vbs.tv/watch/where-the-wild-things-are/sonny-gerasimowicz--2!

Darkmatters Review: Jennifer's Body

Jennifer’s Body (15)

Dir. Karyn Kusama

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: grisslybabelicious

Some girls are just bad news… But none can measure up to the sexy Jennifer (Megan ‘Transformers’ Fox) who sets a whole new standard in being evil. It’s not just that she’s brazen, self centred, slutty and manipulative bitch – Jennifer is literally ‘demonic’ in this fresh horror comedy.
Sure Jennifer is beautiful – as proven from the opening scene where the camera creeps slowly and uncomfortably close all over her body as she lies on her bed. But looks aren’t everything and Jennifer is reliant on her best friend Needy (Amanda ‘Mumma Mia’ Seyfried) for emotional support. The girl’s have been friends since childhood but their relationship is about to stretched to breaking point when scumbag indie-rock band ‘Low Shoulder’ abduct and sacrifice Jennifer to the devil… But due to some occult small print, rather than dying Jennifer is transformed into a flesh eating demon with a taste for boys.
Cue a host of messy murders, teen fumbling and a satanic showdown between the two girls as Needy has to take a stand against her man munching friend / fiend. The film crackles with humour almost as sharp as devilish Jennifer’s fangs thanks to it being written by aptly named Diablo Cody who also penned the excellent Juno. There are some cuttingly well observed moments – my pick being when the band members try to justify their evil plan by moaning “Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay?” Speaking of soundtracks Jennifer’s Body boasts a very cool collection of tracks including White Lies, Little Boots and in a nice touch – the fictional Low Shoulder too.
Director Karyn Kusama certainly does a better job than on her last film – the ‘nice effects shame about the plot’ box office flop Æon Flux – but Jennifer’s Body might be a bit too grim to please everyone. The special effects actually play second fiddle here despite having a monster as the main character, that highlights the fact that there is more to this movie than cheap shocks.
My expectations were lowered when Cineworld attendant Pat told me that it “wasn’t the best effort out there” but for those seeking some dark horror comedy – it doesn’t come much better looking than Jennifer’s Body.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – grows on you)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (Got bite)

Style 8 (High School angst)

Babes 9 (Fox is a nuclear hottie)

Comedy 8 (some genius dark comedy)

Horror 7 (nasty in places)

Spiritual Enlightenment 4 (not much...)

ENTER THE: DARKMATTERS JENNIFER'S BODY COMPETITION

"she's smokin!"

Darkmatters Review: The Men Who Stare At Goats

The Men Who Stare At Goats (15)

Dir. Grant Heslov

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Goatbusters

What I’m about to share with you is highly confidential.
My name is Lyn Cassady and I’m what you might describe as a psychic spy. People also refer to me as a Jedi warrior – because of my incredible ‘mental’ abilities – because I’m strong ‘in the Force’.

This is my crazy tale (every thing is based on real events), it details what happens when earnest reporter Bob Wilton(Ewan McGregor) joined up with me to blow the lid on the top secret military training program. This secret ‘New Age’ unit was founded by Colonel Bill Django (Jeff Bridges) in order combat the Russian threat of psychic warfare… We wielded unworldly powers, some of us could ‘run through walls’, others could see the future – me? I could kills with my thoughts alone – a feat that tipped me over to the dark side when I misused my powers on an unfortunate goat…

My character of Lyn Cassady is portrayed in The Men Who Stare At Goats by that George Clooney chap, who effortlessly mixes his Ocean’s Eleven charm with his screwball comedy work from films like O Brother Where Art Thou? The result is a hilarious romp that uncovers the drug fuelled insanity that passed for one of the U.S Military’s crack(ed) battalions that swallowed massive amounts of funding and delivered, um, well a guy who could kill goats…


"You looking at me?"

Director Heslov delivers a winning experience that balances the strong wacky comedy elements and mix them in with some great dramatic moments. Most of these come in the form of the battle of wits and minds between Cassady and his nemesis Larry Hooper (an excellently sinister Kevin Spacey).

There is lots to enjoy here, McGregor is less wooden than he has been recently, Clooney is on supernova form in the lead role and Bridges revels in his nutty role which is a spiritual successor to The Big Lebowski’s ‘The Dude’.
Star Wars fans will get particular thrills from the excellent Star Wars references and in-jokes that sparkle in the script that will have you laughing out loud. This is a very different sort of military film, even the gun battle action here is of the madcap kind – including a great scene where two rival security forces end up fight each other unaware of who they are actually shooting at.

For this year’s most unique and funny war movie – you don’t need to be a Jedi Warrior to know that you should be staring at The Men Who Stare At Goats.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – it's a mess, but it's a brilliant mess)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (some Jedi battles...)

Style 8 (tripping that psi-vibe)

Babes 3 (most of the characters are male - or goats)

Comedy 8 (very funny stuff)

Horror 5 (not very grim)

Spiritual Enlightenment 8 (use the Force!!)

Darkmatters Top 5 Christopher Brookmyre Books

"Ohhh - these look good, I wonder what talented individual wrote them?"

The Darkmatters Top 5 Christopher Brookmyre Novels I love reading – I’ll read pretty much anything but when given the choice, I’ll pick caustic, dark, violent fiction – preferably with a biting wit which will illicit some spontaneous laughter. To that end I’d list my current favourite authors as: Iain Banks (also as Iain M Banks) Irvine Welsh

Chuck Palahniuk

And of course - Christopher Brookmyre Each of these guys have world views somewhat different to my own, but each can sure put together cracking, compelling and wholly absorbing fiction that has granted me many hours of pure pleasure… I’ll get round to blogging about my top 5 Banks / Welsh / Palahniuk books at some point but having just finished reading ‘Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks’ I will kick off this literary top 5 series with the man Brookmyre… I discovered Brookmyre’s cool, funny and exciting tales when I bought his debut novel just because I liked the cover - Quite Ugly One Morning - back in ’97 and have been loving his work ever since. So without any further ado – here’s my top 5 favourite Brookmyre novels to date (please note that this list does not consider A Snowball in Hell or his latest Pandaemonium as I’m ‘pleasure delaying’ the reading of those and they might well break into this top 5 five at a future date). All of these 5 I rate as ‘Classic’ status 10/10 scores…

1. One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night The official promo blurb reads:

The occasion: high school reunion. The place: an oil rig converted into a tourist resort. The outcome: carnage. Gavin is creating a unique ‘holiday experience’; every facility any tourist who hates abroad will ever want will all be available on a converted North Sea oil rig. To test the facilities he’s hosting a reunion for his old school (none of his ex-classmates can remember him, but what the heck, it’s free). He is so busy showing off that he doesn’t notice that another group have invited themselves along – a collection of terrorist mercenaries who are occasionally of more danger to themselves than to the public. And they in turn are unaware that Inspector MacGregor has got wind of their activities. Within twenty-four hours Gavin’s dream has blown to the four winds, along with a lot of other things.

Dress Casual. Bring your own bullets.

- For me this is pretty much the perfect novel, as a massive fan of Die Hard and other action movies that Brookmyre riffs here... If only they's make a film!!

2. Be My Enemy The official promo blurb reads:

F**k this for a game of soldiers… For investigative journalist Jack Parlabane, these are worrying times: it’s been almost three years since anyone tried to kill him and he fears he’s losing his touch. But then comes an assignment in the Scottish countryside that will more than make up for lost time … Ultimate Motivational Leisure offer the latest in corporate outwards bounds courses, the sort of team building exercises that Jack thinks are decidedly for bankers. The organisers, however, are keen to overturn his prejudices, while Jack is happy to have them reinforced. If nothing else, he gets a free weekend of shooting at PR people with a paintball gun. Except the longer the weekend goes on, the weirder things start to get. First someone steals the SIM cards from everybody’s mobile phones. Then, when the group accidentally stray onto army land, the army start firing back – and not with cans of Dulux. Suddenly no one can tell what’s real and what isn’t, whether this is part of the game, or if everybody is fighting for their lives …

- Another genius action heavy romp that includes the best cannibalism scene ever!

3. Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks

The official promo blurb reads:

Do you believe in ghosts? Do we really live on in some conscious form after we die, and is that form capable of communicating with the world of the living? Aye, right. That was Jack Parlabane’s stance on the matter, anyway. But this was before he found himself in the more compromising position of being not only dead himself, but worse: dead with an exclusive still to file. From his position on high, Parlabane relates the events leading up to his demise, largely concerning the efforts of charismatic psychic Gabriel Lafayette to reconcile the scientific with the spiritual by submitting to controlled laboratory tests. Parlabane is brought in as an observer, due to his capacities as both a sceptic and an expert on deception, but he soon finds his certainties crumbling and his assumptions turned upside down as he encounters phenomena for which he can deduce no rational explanation. Perhaps, in a world in which he can find himself elected rector of an esteemed Scottish university, anything truly is possible. One thing he knows for certain, however: Death is not the end – it’s the ultimate undercover assignment.

- This is a great read as Brookmyre rips into not just nutters of the occult variety but lumps in the scary fundamentalist religious ones too...

4. A Big Boy Did It and Ran Away

The official promo blurb reads:

Real Life™ blows. Just ask Raymond Ash. As a student, he and his friend Simon thought their futures would be paved with gold discs, gigs and groupies. Instead he’s found himself in his thirties, a nervous new father and an even more nervous new English teacher, facing the fact that responsibility has no escape key. Small wonder that he takes refuge living a virtual existence online. Everybody has to find their own way of coping. For some it’s affairs, for others it’s the bottle, while for his old mate Simon, it’s serial murder, mass slaughter and professional assassination. It’s a lifestyle not a million miles from those rock-star dreams: international travel, seven-figure pay cheques, adrenalin rushes and, of course, world-wide notoriety. Simon may have sucked as a lead singer, but as ‘the Black Spirit’ he’s number one with a bullet. More hits than Lennon and McCartney. A performer guaranteed to blow you away. The last thing on Ray’s troubled mind is a band reunion. For one thing, theirs wasn’t exactly an amicable split, but a slightly larger obstacle is that Simon has been dead for three years. So when Ray glimpses him walking through Glasgow Airport, he assumes he’s seeing things, until Real Life™ starts getting weirder and more violent than any computer game…

- I've played and loved many a computer game in my life, so this novel that transposes modern day action with computer game imagery and plot points made me smile for days...

5. Not the End of the World

The official promo blurb reads:

The crew of an oceanic research vessel goes missing in the Pacific along with their mini-submarine. An evangelical media star holds a rally next door to a convention in LA devoted to ‘nubile’ cinematic entertainment. The cops know there’s going to be trouble and they are not disappointed. What they didn’t foresee was the presence in their state of a Glaswegian photographer with an indecipherable accent and a strong dislike of hypocrisy or of a terrorist who seems to have access to plutonium as well as Semtex.

- Porn meets religious nuts with a large does of terrorism, crackles with wicked thoughts and reads like a blockbuster screen play...

Full list of Brookmyre's books: Quite Ugly One Morning, 1996

Country of the Blind, 1997

Not the End of the World, 1998

One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night, 1999

Boiling a Frog, 2000

A Big Boy did it and Ran Away, 2001

The Sacred Art of Stealing, 2003

Be My Enemy (Or F**k This For a Game of Soldiers), 2004

All Fun and Games until Somebody Loses an Eye, 2005

A Tale Etched in Blood and Hard Black Pencil, 2006

The Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks, 2007

A Snowball In Hell, 2008

Pandaemonium, 2009

Darkmatters Review: Dead Man Running

Dead Man Running (15)

Dir. Alex De Rakoff

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Gangsta-trippin

And it’s Rio Ferdinand, he passes to Ashley Cole... Cole passes to um, Danny Dyer and Dyer plays a lovely through ball to erm, 50 cent!? No this is not an all star football game, but rather a Brit gangster effort called ‘Dead Man Running’ (ok I lied about the ball, Cole and Ferdinand are producers for this Lock, Stock n Two Smoking Wideboys).

The plot is of the not unfamiliar ‘man owes evil loan shark lots of cash’, the loan shark - Mr. Thigo (50 ‘ Curtis Jackson’ Cent) gives the poor man – Nick (Tamer Hassan) 24hrs to pay up or lose his life. Nick doesn’t have anything like the £100k he needs so becomes in effect the titular ‘dead man running’.

Thigo wants to make an example of Nick and so makes it impossibly hard for him to raise the cash, and to add to his woes Thigo even takes Nick’s wheelchair-bound mother (a great spunky turn from Brenda Blethyn) hostage. Fiddy isn’t that bad as Thigo, although I think Rio could have probably done just as well if he’d decided to step in front of the camera rather than just producing!?

So who can Nick turn to in his desperate cash seeking plight? Why – his cockney bad boy mate, Bing (Danny Dyer) of course… Cue lots of shady behaviour including fist fighting, drug running, car nicking, assassination and dog racing to name but a few…

It all cracks along nicely – and for a welcome change it doesn’t get too grim, taking a light comic touch where others plough into torture and bloody gore. Hassan and Dyer make a good double act (as previously proved in The Business).

Monet Mazur is on hand as the eye candy girlfriend – playing a high class call girl who specialises in spanking. Director De Rakoff does a decent enough job, Dead Man Running is unlikely to become anyone’s favourite film of the year but it’s worth a watch if you like gangster thrillers.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – gangster fun, if u like that sort of thing)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (it's not easy raising cash in a credit crunch)

Style 7 (cool enough)

Babes 7 (spanky...)

Comedy 7 (darkly funny)

Horror 6 (violent but not gratuitous)

Spiritual Enlightenment 4 (don't be a debtor...)

Tim Burton's apocalyptic, animated horror film '9' in eye watering HD Quality

Tim Burton's apocalyptic, animated horror film '9' in eye watering HD Quality.

Click the excellent trailer below...

Darkmatters Jennifer's Body COMPETITION

Darkmatters Jennifer's Body COMPETITION!!

Seen the gorgeous Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body yet?

If you live in the UK and wanna win some Jennifer's Body cool stuff - Iphone/Ipod Touch cover, T Shirt (guy's say 'I've seen Jennifer's Body' or girl's say 'I eat boys'), rocking soundtrack with White Lies, Black Kids, Florence and the Machine...

Here's what you have to do:

1. Marvel at the film's cheeky dialogue like this:

Needy Lesnicky: You're a terrible best friend. You stole my toys when we were little. You poured lemonade on my bed.

Jennifer Check: And now I'm eating your boyfriend. At least I'm consistent...

"don't try this at home"

2. Come up with your own suggested two liner using the same opening and closing lines - making up the most outrageous 'terrible best friend action and response from Jennifer' e.g. like this technology / pet cross over theme a friend suggested:

Needy Lesnicky: You're a terrible best friend. You superglued my hamster to my Iphone.

Jennifer Check: And now I'm feed your goldfish into your PS3. At least I'm consistent...

Email your entries to: darkmatters@another.com

- include your answer dialogue and contact details / postal address and choice of 'guy' or 'girl' shirt (then presuming we still have a functioning mail service once the strikes are over we will get the goodies out to you).

Best entries in by 14th November will win, Editor's decision is final...

Good luck!

"beware - smiling cheerleaders"

Darkmatters Review: Borderlands PS3

Borderlands PS3

Developer: Gearbox Software
Publisher: 2K Games

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: gunporn-onlineheaven

Charlie Brooker said on his fun one-shot TV programme ‘Gameswipe’: “Shooting people in the face never gets old” - just one of the excellent observations made (alongside profiling the history of gaming and showing up pompous twats like Mark Kermode who harbour hatred of videogames as being ‘beneath them – although he was talking about the Wii so maybe I can let him off). Anyway, we’re here to talk about Borderlands - the first title in mooted all-new sci-fi action franchise from the tasty people behind such classics as Bioshock.

Borderlands is not your average mainstream game, oh no, this is a combination of the best elements of first-person action titles with player customisation, vehicular combat, strange beasts and cutting dark humour. All presented in a Fallout 3-esq Mad Max kind of world that has been put through a psychedelic ‘cell shader’ and results in looking like the most amazing cartoonish grown up virtual world I’ve had the pleasure of finding myself. I say ‘myself’ but in Borderlands I’m a ‘Siren’ – a female hottie who can ‘phase walk’ i.e. go invisible and move really fast spewing electricity damage to all who I rub against for a few seconds.

"those dogs have seconds to live... but you're probably not looking at the dogs?"

The plot is of the quest to reach a legendary vault or something… It doesn’t really matter because Borderlands is mostly about guns, lots of guns…oh and a near-endless variety in missions, environments, enemies, weapons, loot etc etc. And whilst it rocks really hard in single player mode, Borderlands is an absolute life changing cooperative online experience, allowing for multiple players to share the same game experience simultaneously, freely joining or leave each other’s games at anytime.

As well as the seriously enjoyable shoot-em / loot-em Diablo style gameplay, the writing team behind this are absolutely on my wavelength… I laughed out loud at the film referencing such as Die Hard mix up ‘Bruce McClone’ or ‘Mad Mel’ instead of Mad Max. There are superb trophies to earn too such as ‘My Brother is an Italian Plumber’ for dispatching an enemy Mario style…

Grinding your way to better levels and buying tastier weaponry means that you’ll meet and kill an agreeably eclectic mix of foes including ‘Mutant Midget Psychos’ or ‘Crabworms’ – yep a giant freakshow mixture of those two creatures. There are aliens packing advanced tech and red eyed soldiers who look like Killzone 2 misfits – and skags (half dog, half Predator), lots of skags.

"the road warrior driving bits are great fun"

Borderlands is a wonderful (if violent) experience – it’s not for the weak or the useless at computer games – there is no choice of difficulty level… just the wastelands, the beasts, the guns and promise of zombie downloadable content very soon!

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – awesomeness for action / shooter / role players everywhere)

Darkmatters Review: Fantastic Mr Fox

Fantastic Mr Fox (PG)

Dir. Wes Anderson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


ONE WORD SUMMATION: fantastic-cussing-foxbusiness

You may well know the tale of evil farmers ‘Boggis and Bunce and Bean’ - one fat, one short, one lean. Each was a horrible crook, so different in looks but none the less equally mean… But hero of this Roald Dahl adaptation is the quote / unquote “Fantastic” Mr Fox (here voiced to perfection by the gorgeous George Clooney).

This family cinematic treat is an awesome mixture that fuses Dahl's fun foxy tale of wildlife vs farmers with Anderson’s distinctly oddball humour. It works better than I thought it possible, forsaking the current de rigueur CGI trickery for traditional 'stop motion' animation. There is a very distinct look and feel on offer here that you just won’t find anywhere else.

Quality actors are on hand such as Meryl Streep who is great as Mrs Fox, Bill Murray as grumpy Badger and Michael Gambon as mean Farmer Bean. The voice talent all throw themselves into this slightly darker take on the source material which includes new character ‘Kristofferson’ who puts Mr Fox's teenage son Ash (Jason Schwartzman) into a depressive state. The farmer villains are backed up by the token scary character – a flick knife wielding Rat (a suitably nasty Willem Dafoe).


"this poster is for those who've not heard of it - i.e. whose parents didn't love them?"

I saw this with my family and my sons were in stitches at the clever use of the word ‘cuss’ which allows for dialogue between characters that otherwise would be more suited to a Tarantino film such as this ace scene:

Badger: In summation, I think you just got to not do it, man. That's all.
Mr. Fox: I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
Badger: The cuss you are.
Mr. Fox: The cuss am I? Are you cussing with me?
Badger: No, you cussing with me?
Mr. Fox: Don't cussing point at me!
Badger If you're gonna cuss, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!

Genius stuff! This is a quality film that should stand the test of time; it just goes to show that flashy special effects aren’t everything – which in an age where Transformers is the highest grossing film of the year is good news.

If looking for something that will genuinely amuse both adults and kids alike I’d advise a spot of Fantastic Mr Fox hunting.

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 – charming and fun, quality Dahl-ism)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (chicken stealing is fun!)

Style 8 (highly visual and unique)

Babes 4 (too hairy for most)

Comedy 7 (pleasingly funny)

Horror 5 (rat is the bag guy)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (do what’s right!)

Darkmatters Review: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

As a young boy I suffered terribly at the hands of my Jane Austen crazed mother. Before I started school I had read Pride and Prejudice and could recite every line uttered by the infamous Mr Darcy – owning to having had to ‘act’ out various scenes for the viewing pleasure of my dear Ma… As a teenager and beyond this enforced Austen ‘experience’ is what I blame for my rebellion and subsequent love of zombie movies. The brain dead, mumbled trash dialogue being a soothing antidote to the years of freakish upper class female swooning and love of balls (the kind where you dance)…

Imagine then my conflicting emotion when I stumbled upon this oddity: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (P&P&Z).

Bewitched and confused in equal measure I could not resist reading this tome which takes 85% of the Austen original text and infuses it with bone-crunching zombie gore and ninja action. The author Seth Grahame-Smith claimed to have created something a bit special i.e. “a masterpiece of world literature into something you’d actually want to read

Surely this was just a stupid, shameless cash in… but then I heard that film studios were queuing up for the film rights? Maybe, just maybe this was actually the book that would redeem by childhood, put everything into context and allow me to take off my Darcy breeches that I had worn for the last 20 years?

Here’s what you need to know:

Britain is in the grip of a zombie like plague where the dead ‘unfortunates’ come back to life and terrorise the living (and eat their brains when they can). In this alternative age we see the feisty Elizabeth Bennet as a Chinese trained warrior who delights in tackling zombies with katana swords and her trusty Brown Bess musket. So far, so much just like the original…Then of course the dashing Mr Darcy enters her life along with the bad boy Mr Wickham, the arrogant Lady Catherine and all the others from the book. Emotions are wrought, pride and prejudice are exhibited and love eventually wins through – just with copious beheadings, intestine ripping, brain munching interludes…

P&P&Z is a fun idea and it almost works, I can see the film being a smash hit if handled in a Shaun of the Dead / Zombieland style. Jane Austen purists will no doubt hate it… I’m getting a copy for my mother for Christmas!

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – Enjoyable for what it is – bring on the film!!)


"Emily Browning would make a good Zombie slaying Elizabeth Bennet!"

Darkmatters Review: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (12a)

Dir. Terry Gilliam

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Imaginariaussus

Dare you step in the crazed ‘Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus’ – if so you’ll witness wonders from the deepest Monty Python addled recesses of fantasy. Be careful though, don’t come expecting a plot that you can grasp easily or for that matter a sequel to Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

This is the sublimely fantastical tale of the ancient Dr Parnassus (Christopher ‘voice of the old guy in UP’ Plummer) who is the main feature of a strange travelling show or ‘imaginarium’ if you will. This creaking old school fairground attraction includes a mirror which allows people to pass into the mind of the Doctor and find possible redemption. Assisted by an oddball crew of the vertically challenged Percy (Verne ‘Mini Me from Austen Powers’ Troyer) and whimsical helper Anton (Andrew Garfield) who has the hots for the Doctor’s 15 year old daughter Valentina (Lily Cole). All the cast deliver the goods and hold their own even when the film is gate crashed by some serious Hollywood heavyweights – see below. Cole is particularly good, proving that she’s not just a pretty face.

It seems that Parnassus has entered into a terrible deal with the Devil Himself (an effectively satanic Tom Waits), which sees the Doctor gaining immortality but at the cost of having to hand over his daughter to Beelzebub on her 16th birthday.


"Lily Cole... yummy!"

With three days to go before Valentina’s fateful birthday, the crew find a possible saviour in the handsome shape of Tony (Heath ‘Dark Knight’ Ledger). This will unfortunately be remembered for the film that Heath Ledger died whilst filming and director Gilliam drafts in Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell to each play the part of ‘Tony’ in various freaky fantasy sequences that work really well. I doubt that many directors could have salvaged the film in quite such an imaginative way.

The visuals of both the grimy modern day London and the garish outlands of the Doctor’s imagination are realised with eye-popping style. My only complaint was that the tone is very uneven at times veering from gallows humour to twee.

So, if you’re a fan of Gilliam’s epic storytelling and mind boggling imaginative films such as Brazil or The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, then you’ll be right at home here. Sure the plotting is ramshackle and sometimes it is all in danger of disappearing up its own ‘Parnassus’ – but there are still wondrously improbable joys to behold here for those willing to take the head-trip.

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 - freak um love story fantasy)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (flights of fantasy a go go)

Style 8 (amazing mind altering stuff)

Babes 7 (Lily Cole is hot)

Comedy 7 (some funny moments)

Horror 6 (Not dark enough really)

Spiritual Enlightenment 8 (redemption)

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves = Awesome

UPDATE: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves has hit the UK...

The free multiplayer Beta was fantastic, but the single player campaign is one of the best I've ever experienced... This is what Indy IV should have been - highly polished, jaw dropping visuals and superb game play.

Do the words 'Must Buy' mean anything to you?

I'll see you online:

Cleric20

Darkmatters Review: Zombieland

Zombieland (15)

Dir. Ruben Fleischer

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: topzombie

Welcome to Zombieland – a near future USA where pretty much everyone has been turned into crazed flesh eating zombies by a strange ‘mad cow derivative’ virus. There are a few souls who did not succumb to zombiedom but these unfortunates now find themselves on the menu and in need of a strict list of rules if they are to survive.

Average Joe college boy Columbus (Jesse ‘The Squid and the Whale’ Eisenberg) is ahead of the game having already compiled his list, the highlights of which are:

#1: Cardio – be sure you can outrun zombies!
#2: Beware of Bathrooms – don’t get eaten with your trousers down.
#3: Seatbelts – if you have to crash you car to shake off zombies, be prepared.
#4: Double Tap – make sure every zombie you put down is dead – that extra shot to the head helps!
and my favourite:
#32 Enjoy the little things – like Twinkies before their best before date…

"are you getting the subliminal message about nuts?"

Right from the effectively grisly opening credit montage of zombie attacks set to Metallica's "For Whom the Bell Tolls" this is a US rom-zom-com which comes across like a spiritual big budget follow up to Shawn of the Dead. And just like Shawn, here we have witty dialogue backed up with a likeable cast whose well being you’ll actually care about. This is a rare immediate cult classic that delivers on every level.

Zombieland goes hard for the action vein thanks to Woody Harrelson as wanton zombie slayer ‘Tallahassee’ who gets to wield an impressive number of weapons while trying to track down a Twinkie. The violence is well balanced with some fantastic comedy moments – including the year’s best cameo from one of the Ghostbusters. Director Fleischer doesn’t try to do anything other than entertain; throwing in audacious set pieces that had the audience I caught this with cheering out loud. One such scene has super hot babe of the moment Amber Heard seeking refuge from our nerdy hero Columbus’s arms – only to transform into the best looking zombie you’re likely to see and try and eat him.



"don't let her go down on you!"

The romantic interest comes in the shapely form of Emma Stone’s Wichita, a sassy scam artist who is looking out for her little sister ‘Little Rock’ (Abigail ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ Breslin). So can Columbus ‘nut up’ and get the girl in the face of this zombie apocalypse? You’ll have a riot finding out – Zombieland is highly recommended nonsense, bring on a sequel!

Out of a possible 5 you have to go with:

Darkmatters final rating of: öööö (4 - nut up or shut up... this rocks hard!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 5 (top notch!)

Style 3 (Like a classy zombie graphic novel come to life)

Babes 4 (Amber Heard + Emma Stone are great!)

Comedy 4 (very funny - Bill Murray especially)

Horror 4 (some satisfyingly grim mutilations)

Spiritual Enlightenment 3 (everyone should have a code of rules to live by)

Darkmatters Review: The Invention of Lying

The Invention of Lying (12a)

Dir. Ricky Gervais and Matthew Robinson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Godbothering

Imagine a world where nobody can lie – not even to create fiction or do any promotional spin. So, in keeping with the spirit of this alternative reality, here’s my fully honest review of the weak and slightly boring new ‘comedy’ film from Ricky Gervais.

The Invention of Lying takes the interesting ‘tell the brutal truth at all times’ idea and has some fun with it for a while. The characters in the film don’t so much have to tell the truth, but seem to have a Tourette’s Syndrome that makes them blurt out whatever they are thinking. For example everyone who meets our hero, Mark Bellison (Ricky Gervais), tells him to his face that they think he’s a “fat loser”. At the start of the film even Mark has to abide by the severe honesty convention and so we join him on an amusingly disastrous date with the lovely Anna McDoogles (Jennifer ‘Juno’ Garner).

Things take a dramatic change however when after being sacked Mark is about to be evicted. When in the bank his brain has a misfire and allows him to tell the first lie ever – telling the bank clerk that he has more money in his account than is the case.
Getting away with this he uses his new found skill of deception to seduce women, gain fame and amass a fortune. The one thing he cannot do however is convince Anna who fears having his "chubby, snub-nosed kids", to love him.


"Hey chubby loser, I'm way out of your league!!"

Among his webs of lies Mark tells his dying mother who is scared to go into ‘eternal nothingness’ that there is a heaven where everything is fantastic. Overheard by medical staff this sets in motion the concept of religion and soon the whole world wants to know about the afterlife and what ‘The man in the sky who controls everything’ (who only speaks to Mark) wants us to do. The film falters slightly at this point and it feels that committed atheist Gervais is searching his heart, outlining his issues with God in this very public forum, I hope it helps him find some sort of spiritual peace. The Invention of Lying's aspirations, might be to jump on the Richard Dawkins train of anti-belief but the film can’t quite bring itself to depict faith as being anything other than a beneficial force for mankind overall.

What really torpedoes The Invention of Lying though is that the comedy dries up as in so many formula and under par rom-coms, and that alas is the whole truth!


Darkmatters final rating out of 10: öööö (4 – annoying when it should have been cool & witty)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 5 (not much)

Style 5 (feels a lot like Ghost Town did last year)

Babes 7 (Garner is still yummy)

Comedy 8 (biting and very funny but it runs out too soon)

Horror 3 (not much unless you fear chubby losers)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (Made me happy to be a believer)

Darkmatters Review: Colin McRae: DiRT 2

Colin McRae: DiRT 2

Reviewed by Matt ‘Colin McRae’ Adcock

Brrrrrmmmm – that’s the sound of me burning around a gorgeously detailed rally track, mud spraying from the back of my 1995 Subaru Impreza WRX STi. I’m racing seven other players online with a rock solid frame rate and wonderfully responsive car controls.
Marvel as I close in on the leader, it’s the last lap and he’s taken one of the final corners a little wide. Without hesitating I floor it and slam into the same corner in a four wheel sideways skid. The front of my Subaru catches the back bumper of his Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X, spinning him around wildly, allowing me to speed past and win – the howls of his frustration ringing in my Bluetooth headset…

DiRT 2 is a fantastic game; I have no hesitation in saying that it is currently the peak of virtual off-road driving fun (sure I love both the Motorstorm games but DiRT 2 trumps em)…


"jaws hit the floor - bone crunching jumps are par for the course!"

I’ve always slightly harboured a desire to be a rally driver, up until the day that my wife bought me some time in a real rally car with a pro-instructor who taught me how to powerslide – but also opened my eyes to just how easy it would be to die when tearing through a tree lined course at 150mph!? So I’m happy to stick with a virtual representation of the sport and have played all the Colin McRae games, Sega Rally games, WRC games etc… The first DiRT was good but DiRT 2 is something else…

Massively comprehensive in the range of tracks, cars and modes, superbly playable even for off-road noobs and polished to exquisite levels of presentation, this is one of those rare games that come along once in blue moon and deliver on all fronts. There are even voice responses from the main Rally drivers of the day including Ken Block (whiny) and Dave Mirra (brusk) which adds to the fun when you ‘accidentally’ slam one of them over a cliff edge…
Online this is as addictive as a rally car shaped crack pipe, gratifying and loaded with that ‘one more go’ factor. There are some nicely balanced Trophies to collect – the lure of the elusive but attainable Platinum keeps pulling you back.

If you’ve ever wanted to drive fast off road – this should be the next game you buy… As Tyler Durden might say “It doesn’t get better than this… Good to the last drop!”

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Check this superb advert...

Am loving the Uncharted 2: Among Thieves Beta... and can't wait for the whole game!!

Darkmatters Review: Surrogates

Surrogates (12)

Dir. Jonathan Mostow

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: i-Robot-too

What do you get if you take a cool graphic novel, add Bruce Willis and let the director of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines loose with it? Well, ‘Surrogates’ it seems…


Oh dear…

I don’t know what happened but Surrogates which had everything going for it to be a smash action sci-fi with an interesting subtext about humanity, terrorism and what it is to really ‘live’ – turns out to be steamingly average adaptation that lacks drive and action.

"this is how it should have looked!"

It all kicks off with a murder the first one for years thanks to the use of ‘Surrogates’ – full life size robots that fulfil every human need (whilst we slob out in our homes controlling them with our minds). The FBI are soon on the case with agents Tom Greer (Bruce Willis) and Peters (Radha Mitchell) who stumble over a plot involving a new Surrogate busting weapon that could spell the end for everyone using a surrogate – i.e. most of us.

The plot is weak - a very watered down sanitized version of the original source material by Robert Venditti… You know you’re in trouble when the cliff hanger ending is focussed around somebody having to type a key on a keyboard to save the day… very poor!

"What could go wrong? Try watching the film..."

Issues such as how do you have a relationship when you’re partner insists on using a Surrogate – as Greer’s wife Maggie (Rosamund Pike) – are fumbled and even the nice nods and references don’t ease the gnawing pain that this could and should have been so much better…

"looks like she needs new batteries"

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööö (6 – two of those marks are because I love Brucie)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (needed a bit more really)

Style 7 (B-movie in big budget guise?)

Babes 6 (Rosamund Pike is very watchable)

Comedy 5 (laughable acting in places)

Horror 6 (some disturbing elements – the most being ‘why is Bruce Willis in this mediocre movie?)

Spiritual Enlightenment 5 (life through a Surrogate isn’t real life)

Darkmatters Review: Fame

Fame (PG)

Dir. Kevin Tancharoen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Remembermyname

“Baby look at me, and tell me what you see. You ain't seen the best of me yet, give me time I'll make you forget the rest…”

Fame is back retooled for a new generation and much to my wife’s disgust – without a legwarmer in sight… The basic plot is the same, take one group of variously talented dancers, singers and actors, track them over their four years at the New York City High School of Performing Arts and watch as their dreams either come true or crash and burn.

It’s kind of like X-Factor boot camp but without the judges, and with less convincing ‘talent’.

"Kherington Payne... looks amazing"

The film stands and falls on the personalities of the students we get to follow and that is where the 2009 version doesn’t match up to the 1980 original. First up we have cute but wet Jenny Garrison (Kay ‘Ellen Page lite’ Panabaker) who is struggling with being horribly repressed. She falls for Marco (Asher Book) who is a talented singer but doesn’t take life seriously. Then there’s Victor Taveras (Walter Perez) who is a wannabe producer who falls for supernova hot but aloof blonde dancing sensation Alice Ellerton (Kherington Payne). There’s also a token Hannah Montana graduate in Anna Maria Perez who plays ditzy Joy, and ‘rent a tortured soul’ Kevin Barrett (Paul McGill) who is odds on not to make it to his dream.

Finally there’s Denise Dupree (Naturi Naughton) who is the real deal, packing a voice that Beyoncé wouldn’t be ashamed to call her own. Denise is trapped by her parents who won’t support her dreams of singing and want her only to focus on classical piano forte. Oh almost forgot Malik Washburn (Collins Pennie) as the stereotypical angry black guy from the street…

Each student strives for personal glory but who has the talent and will to succeed? Because as the original film told us, fame costs, and right here is where they start paying – in sweat.

It takes a while to get going however, and unfortunately for the viewer most of the characters and entirely forgettable (which is ironic given the ‘Remember my name’ lyrics to the title song…).

Tancharoen directs this ensemble piece with a detached feeling but in parts it looks excellent – the stand out scenes being Payne’s sizzling dance production to Sam Sparro’s Black and Gold and Naugnton’s two big songs.

At the Luton opening night I caught this at we were also treated to an impromptu pre-credit dance display by a local dance troop, looks like there’s still a lot of Fame hungry youngsters out there!

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – updated but not better than the original)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (dance happens...)

Style 7 (nice gritty feel)

Babes 8 (Kherington Payne is off the scale sexy when she moves, not so much when she talks)

Comedy 5 (not funny enough really)

Horror 5 (fear this only if you have a fear of performing arts)

Spiritual Enlightenment 5 (life had both ups and downs)

"one more time... let's hear it for miss Payne"

Darkmatters Review: Gamer

Gamer (18)

Dir. Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, who also made CRANK and CRANK: High Voltage

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: shoot-frag-shag-em-up

If Sci-fi shoot em up Gamer is to be believed then the future of gaming consists of nano-cells... They’re real small critters, a thousand times smaller than dust particles... If you inhaled a cloud of them you wouldn’t even know until it was too late – they’d be replicating, spreading like a virus, multiplying in exponentials throughout your nervous system. In under just six months a hundred million people could be ‘converted’ and by that I actually mean ‘enslaved’. Yes, this is Gamer and we’re in a dystopian future where nano-cell infused people can be controlled by players and there are two big games featuring this incredible (if morally dubious) technology.

"kill or be killed..."

First up is ‘Society’, a Second Life like game that looks like a real life version of the PS3’s ‘Home’ just without any moral boundaries. Players pay to control real people – who get paid for letting themselves be controlled, and there don’t seem to be any limits as to what they can be made to do… Needless to say that this set up leads to a lot of stereotypical fat male gaming slobs perving as they make scantily clad hot females act out their fantasies.


"choose your plaything..."

Then there’s the even darker alternative game ‘Slayers’ which is where death row inmates are controlled by gamers in battle games that play out like real life Call of Duty or Killzone 2 levels. High powered weaponry and armour can be downloaded to the players for a price as can various mods (modifications to the players abilities). In a Running Man styled incentive, if a player survives 30 games, they win their freedom with a full pardon but no-one has yet achieved this goal.

Step up grizzled macho hero Kable (Gerald ‘300’ Butler) who has become a celebrity star of Slayers by surviving 27 games. Will he – controlled by his hotshot 17 year player Simon (Logan ‘3:10 to Yuma’ Lerman) – be the first to win his freedom? Could he even be the one to escape the Slayers game world, find and free his wife Angie (Amber ‘Transporter 2’ Valletta) who is being sexually exploited in ‘Society’ and generally save the world? Obviously there are some off the shelf rebels who try to assist Kable – led by rapper Chris “Ludacris” Bridges – who start to slip his player Simon some illegal mods such as one that allows him to directly talk to Kable in game. But the Humanz as the rebels call themselves feel a bit tacked on to the main one man against the odds plotline.


"Mr n Mrs 'sex n violence 2009...'"

Both the nano-cell based games are created by nasty media mogul Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall from TV’s Dexter) who seems to have plans to expand the games to the point where we are all being ‘played’… But Kable might just be the man to foil Castle’s dastardly plan – so he must be silenced at any cost…

Directors Neveldine and Taylor have carved out reputations for making films that kick ass first and ask questions later with the two Crank flicks. Gamer continues the dim witted hyperkinetic action elements of the Crank series but ups the firepower. Things get blown up in high definition, cars, helicopters and of course people get demolished in blood thirsty close up. Then for the ultimate sex n violence combo we have ‘Society’ which delivers pulsing babes and nudity to the strains of The Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch.”

Darkmatters Verdict:

Gamer isn’t actually as big or clever as I suspect the makers were secretly hoping it to be but it does deliver some tasty wham bang action, gratuitously sexist titillation and interesting conceptualisation as to what the future of gaming holds. If the next generation of consoles come with a head chips to insert, it might be wise to stick with the trusty PS3!?
All in all it’s a perfect Friday night romp.

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 – if you see one game based film this year)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 8 (intense combat action in bursts)

Style 7 (frenzied future freakshow)

Babes 7 (Amber Valletta a major babe)

Comedy 6 (moments of fun)

Horror 8 (nasty in places)

Spiritual Enlightenment -3 (soul sapping)


"the future is short shorts..."