DARKMATTERS - The Mind of Matt

You met me at a very strange time in my life...

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

St Trinians - Review


St Trinian's (12a)

Dir.Oliver Parker and Barnaby Thompson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Dear Parent / Guardian of Miss St Trinian,
please find below the school report for her latest film related efforts:

English
I am sorry to tell you that St Tinian’s English is very poor. From an unfunny script packed with dialogue which is cringe inducing and weak, through to a comprehensively cheesy plot riddled with terrible acting, there is very little to recommend or praise in this area.

Maths
Whilst St Trinian’s does have some nice figures in it, new girl Annabel (Talulah Riley) and head girl Kelly (Gemma Arterton) both being very watchable, the overall feedback I must give you is that in terms of cost / benefit the film does not pass the test. One can only wonder at the thinking of ploughing good money into such an uninspiring and ultimately feeble endeavour such as this.

History
It seems this new version of St Trinian’s is trying to recapture the success of Ealing Studios’ earlier efforts such as the Belles Of St Trinian's from 1954. It is unfortunate then that the 2007 incarnation is a scattergun mess that sees the young ‘ladies’ of the school mumble and grunt their lines whilst Colin Firth and Russell Brand waste their talent in clumsily drawn minor roles.

Behaviour
Whilst naughty behaviour is the expected norm at an institution like St Trinian’s, what is served up here feels very disjointed. Not knowing if it wants to be bawdy or bland, the film stutters between the two and so manages to alienate both younger and older audiences simultaneously. Double detention must be handed out to Girls Aloud too for creating an absolutely appalling new track especially for the film – see me after class!

Overall
With so little of merit on show here it falls to Rupert Everett in drag to be by far the best thing on offer. He plays the slightly demented Miss Fritton - Head Mistress of the delinquent school - like a Camilla Parker Bowles on acid. Everett gives his all but this just serves to highlight the ASBO lite acting of the rest of the cast. Quite what Lena ‘300’ Headey (soon to take the lead role in ‘Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles’) or Mischa Barton from The O.C. think they are doing here really is anyone’s guess.

In summation, the filmmakers must report to my office and write a thousand lines of ‘must try harder’ on the blackboard…

Out of 5 you have to go with a weak 1.5 (nice idea but rubbish execution)...

Darkmatters ratings (look out for the all new DM ratings in January '08!!):

Action öö – Some nonsensical plot action
Laughs öö – Limited and forced
Horror öö – The Girls Aloud song is pretty scary!
Babes öööö – Riley and Arterton might not be able to act but they are cute

Overall ö1/2 (poor)


"Girls Aloud - should be seen and not heard!"

Darkmatters: H O M E
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