DARKMATTERS - The Mind of Matt

You met me at a very strange time in my life...

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Sunday, April 15, 2012

Darkmatters Review: Battleship

Battleship (12a)

Dir. Peter Berg

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


This is both an actual line of dialogue and a surprisingly accurate plot description of this heavy-duty navy vs aliens artillery-em-up…

Boom – see Taylor ‘John Carter’ Kitsch misbehave as the maverick Naval Officer Alex Hopper, he’s a bad boy but might he just be the guy we need to save the world?

Boom – see Rihanna bring her own brand of not really being able to act to the screen as hotshot Naval Gunner Raikes (yep it’s she who gets the line “BOOM!”

"you can stand under my MASSIVE BATTLESHIP GUN!"

Boom - actress and former Sports Illustrated model Brooklyn Decker steams up every scene she’s in as a scorching hot Admiral’s daughter / love interest for Alex.

Boom – marvel at the evil aliens who look like Master Chief from Halo in their armour and like a freak show bearded Matt Lucas when unmasked.

Boom – cringe at the hockey storyline, then remember to put your brain in neutral and just lap up the big budget destruction…

Boom – wonder how much Liam Neeson got paid to put aside his dignity and sign up for this (and probably an infinite number of sequels)?

"transformers ATTACK!"

Boom – cheer for the veteran granddads who step up to help save the day with their old school battleship.

Boom – gasp as for a full five minutes the screen is entirely just a bunch of co-ordinates with the commanders shouting things like “E9” and “Miss”…

You know - for all the boom-tastic pic-n-mix elements that make up Battleship, it is a lot of fun to watch and got a rare 10/10 from my youngest son James. If you have any love for transformers style, big scale aliens vs humans or just cheesy military gung-ho action flicks, go see Battleship it's a blast!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:


3 – Boom boom boom!

Awesomeness öööö – battle scenes on the awesome

Laughs ööö – some of the acting is stupidly funny

Horror öö – some of the acting is scarily bad

Babes öööö – Brooklyn Decker is superhot, Rhianna also looks good

Spiritual Enlightenment ö – these high intelligences don't come in peace

"Decker in her previous job"

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