DARKMATTERS - The Mind of Matt

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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Darkmatters Review: Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD (18) 

 Dir. John Gulager

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (a version of this review also available at The Luton News)

One, two, three four five, once I caught a fish alive.

Six, seven, eight nine ten, then I ARRRGggghhhh the little fish are biting me!!

If you ventured to see Piranha 3D (the remake of Joe Dante’s 1978 horror comedy) then you’ll probably recall that the mean little fishes attacked loads of good looking bathers on a Spring Break at Lake Victoria…

Now it seems that the toothy menace have swarmed through underground lakes and pipes to arrive at a tacky water park called ‘The Big Wet’ where bathing suits are optional... Cue more bloodthirsty piranha on human munchings – all in rather pointless 3D again.

Say what you like about Piranha 3D but it was a well-made and generally fun horror chomp-em-up which boasted a great cast and a highly gratuitous naked cameo from Kelly Brook. It also inspired a half decent knock off Shark Night 3D which was basically Jaws in the everglades.

Piranha 3DD isn’t blessed with anything like the budget of the last film and it really shows – there are copious ‘filler’ shots of murky underwater weeds gently wafting in the undercurrent for goodness sake – these really weaken the overall experience and don’t even serve to highlight the limited horror action as this also feels paired down from before.

"my what big teeth you have..."

Director John Gulager was responsible for the cult horror classic Feast but he’s all at sea with this sequel, which is cheap, nasty and fails to satisfy. The best thing about Piranha 3DD is a well judged cameo by David Hasselhoff who plays himself and gets the best lines including the worryingly accurate ‘Welcome to rock bottom!’ which could have been an ad-lib.

The slight plot sees the build up to the low rent fish attack on the water park as an excuse to shoehorn in some sporadic strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, bad language and drug use. You feel sorry for the cast who include the gorgeous Katrina Bowden, not because they’re characters are likely to get eaten but that this poor film will forever be on their CVs…

"this waterpark brings people and fishes together"

Piranha 3DD is seriously tacky and is unlikely to please anyone. It simply doesn’t do enough to satisfy fans of the first film and certainly won’t win any new followers. I can’t recommend this on any level but if you really must see it be sure to lower your expectations suitably.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ö - the words 'oh dear' spring to mind but extra star for having The Hoff in it

2 – one of the worst films of 2012 (so far)

Awesomeness öö – lame effort fumbles the franchise

Laughs öö – unintentional bad acting, couple of funnies with The Hoff

Horror öööö – some serious gore but not as well done as original

Babes öööö – Bowden is absolutely gorgeous (as always)!

Spiritual Enlightenment 0 – absolutely none

"why am I in this film again?"

"Katrina Bowden - looking good in FHM too"

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