"Who's gonna make the list?"
Darkmatters is a blog that loves films, but every year there are some real stinkers released...
2014 was no different
First up here are the infamous Tom Wade's Top 5 'Worst' Films of 2014 which include creaking muscles, washed up action stars and confused narratives... Over to Tom:
As a general rule I avoid badly reviewed films - life is too short to clog it up with Pudsey dog films or bizarre Postman Pat reboots, but every now and then a real stinker of a film sneaks into my viewing list like a silent assassin ready to cause me untold amounts of pain. This list therefore comprises of the films that should really have done better - but also the films that I should really have known better than to have bothered with in the first place - I blame Matt Adcock.
5: A Long Way Down
Surely a film based on a Nick Hornby book, headed up by a former Bond and Aaron Paul hot off Breaking Bad, that focuses on suicide is the stuff of Oscar worthy awesomeness? Well - no. Instead this is a trivial, flaccid affair that looks like most of the actors signed up for once they saw the phrase 'beach' on the script. Speaking of the script - this has some of the worst dialogue in any film that tries to tackle a serious issue for a long, long time. Any film about suicide that makes you wish that all the characters had actually jumped in the first 5 minutes - is a film that has thoroughly missed the mark. This deserves to go a long way down... to hell.
4: The Expendables 3
The first one was novel, the second flipped genres and appeared to spoof itself, the third is as welcome as a floating turd in the kitchen sink. The film genuinely has a solid 25 minutes dedicated to Sly travelling the world in increasingly bizarre cardigans and hats with Kelsey Grammer to perve on young people fighting. Seeing rapidly ageing action stars pop up, desperate utter a catchphrase from when they were still relevant is heartbreaking, although a positive is that the 'action' is so crammed full of stunt doubles and CGI that Stallone's botoxed face is more animated than it has been for years.
Poor old Arnie... Ever since he stepped down from pretending to be a politician, his film output has been as welcome as Tony Blair coming out of retirement to form a super government with UKIP. In an ever increasing pile entitled 'bad Schwarzenegger action films' Sabotage would sit proudly at the top. Here we are meant to believe that Arnie is still managing to command an elite unit of impossibly healthy and good looking 'mercs' who have no problem massacring hundreds, but if someone even sneezes on one of them they must retaliate with unflinching force and death. The plot is so convoluted and full of maddening (and bizarre) plot twists and character betrayals that you wouldn't be surprised if Dan Brown is considering making it the next outing in his Da Vinci Code series. On his recent form, there is some serious concerns to be held with the upcoming Terminator.
2: A million ways to die in the West
Oh - has a film title never been so apt - for this is exactly what will happen to your soul as you watch this steaming pile of Seth McFarlane poo. McFarlane has managed to trick most of the world into thinking he was talented for a long time now, but thankfully with AMWTDITW his mask doesn't so much slip as explode to reveal Satan underneath. As a vanity project, writing, directing and now starring as the most punchable lead in years - AMWTDITW is a least admirable in that McFarlane managed to not only trick a studio into financing the equivalent of him staring adoringly as his own reflexion for hours, but that he managed to turn some talented actors and actresses into gurning empty shells along the way.
1: Winters Tale
Stop reading this and watch the trailer...
Seriously this is a film. Someone wrote and made this. People were paid to be in it. The usually reliable Colin Farrell agreed to read the lines and stare vaguely towards camera for this film.
Winters Tale genuinely feels like a committee of 30 writers all turn up with their own ideas for a film, and instead of deciding on one idea they thought 'screw it' and decided to use everyone's ideas all at once. It's a film blender on the big screen. One writer wants an old aged love story - it's in! Another wants Russell Crowe to do a bag accent - it's in! Another wants lots of horses and maybe a flying one - it's in! Another really wants Will Smith as Satan - it's in! Another wants some time travel - it's in! Etc etc.
Winters Tale brilliantly manages to fail at everything. It's like watching an obese person attempt the hurdles and trip over every single one - although that would be much more enjoyable. It's also the worst film I've seen this year.
Here's to another year of bad films!
I can't even comment on 'Winters Tale' as that didn't make my viewing list this year... This next five did though (but you can avoid wasting hours of your life watching them!?) -
Matt Adcock's Top 5 'Worst' Films of 2014 which include dull spies, boring Nazis, stupid technology and more suicidal tendencies...
5. Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (read the Darkmatters review here)
In order to enjoy Shadow Recruit you need put your brain into neutral and let the moments of highly improbable coincidence – that are all actually essential to the plot wash over you. This movie is just dull, very ordinary and weakens all the other (much better) Tom Clancy movies...
I don’t envy the marketing team behind this film, as it must be tough to sell such an ordinary flick. Jack Ryan: The Slightly Dull Early Years could well have been an early rejected working title!?
4. The Book Thief (read the Darkmatters review here)
The Book Thief deserved to be a better movie than this – the book was really interesting and heartfelt - Nazis aren't a laughing matter... The message that reading can save you though should be taken to heart and acted upon – read the novel instead!
3. Transcendence (read the Darkmatters review here)
Depp looks bored throughout which is oddly a reflection of how most of the audience I saw this with also looked (I was distracted enough to notice that several people left muttering and when having a look around the cinema I spotted at least 2 more who had nodded off). If this movie was a games console it would be a half assed Xbox running too hot and flashing a red ring of death!?
2. A Long Way Down (read the Darkmatters review here)
Tom was on the money with this one - suicide isn't a laughing matter - and Director Pascal Chaumeil fumbles this overly twee plot, one minute trying for trite comedy, the next a spot touching drama, and somehow manages to imbue all the characters with hateful / and or annoying traits the make you start to kind of wish that they would just get on with it and top themselves.
1. Sabotage (read the Darkmatters review here)
It's rare that Tom and I agree on films but watching this one with him was a tough ask... Boasting the worst car chase ever committed to screen and one of the limpest of ‘climactic’ showdowns of all time. Sabotage leaves no loose ends but is the cinematic equivalent of being repeated punched in the face by a angry imbecile - very poor however good the company you see it with!!