Darkmatters Review: Borderlands 2

Borderlands 2 (PS3 version tested)

Developed by Gearbox Studios

Reviewed by Matt ‘Siren’ Adcock

"Hey kiddo. Jack here - President of Hyperion. Lemme explain how things work here: Vault Hunter shows up. Vault Hunter looks for the new Vault. Vault Hunter gets killed. By Me. See the problem here? You're still alive. So, if you could just do me a favour and off yourself that'd be great. Thanks, Pumpkin."

This is the up-beat intro given to new players of Borderlands 2 by ‘Handsome Jack’ – a guy so evil that he lists shooting children as one of his lighter recreational hobbies… You play the part of a Vault Hunter – and taking down Jack, bringing freedom to the people of Pandora and finding the legendary ‘Vault’ - that's your mission.

"come visit Pandora - bring a gun!'

Borderlands 2 picks up the plot shortly after the end of the first game. Those who played the original will find everything in place – the mechanics of shooting and getting around are immediately familiar, the choice of character to play nicely balanced across four classes (Commando = soldier with his own auto turret, Gunzerker = tank who can dual wield two weapons at once, Siren (that’s me BTW) = semi magic user who has a power called ‘Phase Lock’ to immobilise enemies and Assassin = stealth with a cloaking power. There are more classes on the way via DLC too but these are a great range to pick from to begin with.

But whilst the game feels familiar, it also feels ‘refined’ – it’s slicker, better and more fun and still packs possibly the best shooting / loot-based game engine ever!? Grinding your way to better levels and buying tastier weaponry is the core and it is just as addictive this time around. Working your way up to the initial level cap of 50 means that you’ll meet and kill an agreeably eclectic mix of foes across Pandora too. What is great here is the Non Player Characters are more compelling – plus you’ll get to meet the four original vault hunters from the first game!?

"you'll meet all sorts!"

As well are the dangerously awesome gun fighting combat, the dialogue is just superb too, you’ll not want to skip the cut scenes as they are always well-written and often laugh out loud wrong. From the fun CL4P-TP steward bot, sidekick ‘Claptrap’ to his friends, through to homicidal teenage cutie ‘Tiny Tina’ and the insidious Handsome Jack (whose best line is probably "Butt stallion says "Hello". “), these are a bunch of characters you’ll have lots of fun hanging out with!

Borderlands 2 claims to pack over a million guns, so it’s going to be take some time to collect em all but this gives the game a killer one more quest, one more level up, one more gun / shield / artefact compulsion – not good for your sleep levels!? Then there’s the excellent online co-op for up to four players (or 2 split screen) – this is just lots of fun, and makes the game even more enjoyable as you swap banter and nicked each other’s loot drops.

"the wildlife is very erm, friendly!?"

As Charlie Brooker once said: “Shooting people in the face never gets old”
If you hated Borderlands, you might not enjoy Borderlands 2 but then I feel sorry for you as you obviously have no taste in games… Borderlands 2 is an epic, addictive and altogether genius game – it looks, plays and feels lovely on the PS3 which was the development machine – so if you are looking for a high quality game to see you through to 2013, this should be top of your list!!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö – Gotta shoot em all!

5 – Compulsive, beautiful and very satisfying!

Darkmatters Review: Sinister

Sinister (15)

Dir. Scott Derrickson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

"You think these are serial murders?”

Welcome to a film that lives up to it’s title!?

Sinister is a superb exercise in big screen horror, a full-blooded ghostly tale with a hard, nasty edge. Think of Sinister as this generation’s The Shining and you’ll have some idea of what you’re getting into if you choose to take this cinematic trip – but be advised this is not for the faint of heart…

Director Scott ‘The Exorcism of Emily Rose’ Derrickson has crafted a quality modern day scary movie that resonates as an immediate (oc)cult classic.

This is the unhappy tale of crime writer Ellison Oswald (an on form Ethan Hawke), who unwisely moves his long suffering family – wife Tracy (Juliet Rylance) , son Trevor (Michael Hall D'Addario) and daughter Ashley (Clare Foley) – to a house whose previous occupants were horribly murdered.

"not for the squeamish"

The grisly multiple hanging that happened at the property is to be the topic for Ellison’s book, but it turns out that the deaths (and disappearance of the other daughter in deceased family) are linked to a series of murders. As he begins to uncover the links between the unsolved slayings and abductions – in each case one of the children is taken whilst the rest of the family are killed – forces beyond Ellison’s darkest nightmares begin to close in on him and he realizes that his family may be the next victims.

Sinister uses the fast becoming ‘meh’ found footage device, in this case a box of old Super 8 films of the killings, and thanks to some cool writing, genuinely unnerving plot devices and decent special effects, breathes new and deeply unsettling life into the genre.

This is a very scary film, which builds up a deep sense of dread and taps a primal level of suspense which when combined with some very effective ‘jump’ moments had the audience screaming out loud in places. Hawke is excellent as the writer who becomes haunted by the grim snuff films he finds in the antic, sucking you in to the escalating threat that is closing in on his family.

As a Christian I found the fabricated mythos of Sinister interesting in that it deals with an ancient ‘pagan Babylonian deity’ called Bughuul – and links it to the idea that images and film itself can conduct evil. Start contemplating those sort of things and you’ll find that there’s plenty of hidden depth to ponder behind the slick schlock horror on offer here.

Sinister is the best horror movie of 2012 by a mile.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö – Haunting, scary, slick horror - an instant classic

5 – A laser guided shotgun blast of chilling thrills

Awesomeness ööööö – effectively grim stuff that will freak you out

Laughs ö – not a funny film

Horror ööööö – some heavy duty shock chills

Babes ö – not really

Spiritual Enlightenment öö – lots of ponder if you really want to...

Playstation 3 super slim brings amazing value

The iconic PlayStation 3, first brought to us in 2007, has been reinvented for the next wave of innovation and creativity... Yes the world's best gaming machine is back and smaller and funkier than ever before packing a cool 500Gb or a intro level 12Gb.

Sales of Sony's PS3 rocketed 138% over last week following the release of Sony's PS3 'Super Slim' 500GB console - so it seems that there is a real hunger for HD gaming on the slimmer side!?

Basically the trusty PS3 has had a makeover – reduced in size yet again, the contours are slicker, the shape more seductive. But what the console now lacks in size, it makes up for in entertainment offerings across film, catch up TV services, music and of course, video gaming (am currently deep in my Borderlands 2 addiction).

But now more than ever, the PlayStation 3 is more than a games console, it’s a true entertainment hub. Blu-rays in stunning HD,  3D movies and gaming capabilities which go so well with the Sony TVs... especially cool if you have a LoveFilm and Netflix account.

There are a growing number of 'catch-up' TV services on the PS3 now too, allowing you to watch what you want when you want - including the BBC iPlayer, ITV Player, 4OD and the recently launched BBC Sports Application.

"Wonder if it will be any good?"

Launching in November, Wonderbook™,  is a new and innovative PS3 peripheral, will potentially transform the world around you with the next step in reading and augmented reality gaming. The first title available for Wonderbook is ‘Book of Spells’ featuring exclusive new and original writing from J.K. Rowling - which will no doubt please Harry Potter fans.

With further titles set for release from renowned entertainment partners such as BBC Worldwide (Walking with Dinosaurs) and Disney, Wonderbook has serious all age potential.

The brand new 12GB PlayStation 3 will be hitting shelves October 12th, and will be offered separately, or via a host of value added bundles, if you haven't gotten into the fantastic world of opportunities that PS3 provides, this Christmas you really should make the move!

Darkmatters Review: Looper

Looper (15)

Dir. Rian Johnson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“I work as a specialized assassin, in an outfit called the Loopers. When my organization from the future wants someone to die, they zap them back to me and I eliminate the target from the future. The only rule is: never let your target escape... even if your target is you…”

What would you do to save a life? How far would you go to change future history? Say for example you could take out an evil murdering crime lord when he was still a kid – before he’d even had chance to rise to power? These are the kind of moral questions that sharp, slick sci-fi thriller Looper brings to the party. Moral questions and guns, lots of guns!

"thanks EMPIRE for this great pic"

Meet Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), he’s a Looper, a hit-man who kills those beamed back to him from the future. Life is good with a typical day seeing him off a mark in the morning, then grab some steak and eggs at his favourite diner before going out on the town in a lavish clubbing life which would make many Premiership Footballers look tame in comparison.

But then his fellow Loopers start to find their future selves coming back as targets – it looks like someone in tomorrow wants them all dead. And sure enough Joe’s older self (Bruce Willis) arrives but is somehow ready for Joe and manages to overpower him – setting off a manhunt where both of them are the targets… You see Abe (Jeff Daniels) the Boss of the Loopers doesn’t take kindly to any targets escaping and the punishment is death for Looper and target.

So why has future Joe been sent back? Can he possibly be the key to taking down the ‘Rainmaker’ – a telekinetic uber powerful crime lord who has taken complete control of the future. How far will he go in his terminator inspired preventive strike (the Rainmaker is only about 7 years old at this point)…Which, if either, Joe can survive?

“This time travel crap, just fries your brain like a egg... “

"some of the Looper ladies"

Possible mother of the future Rainmaker is Sara (the lovely Emily Blunt) – she and Joe (current time) just might fall for each other too – which is likely to add a wrinkle to the already complex plot.

Everything comes together in a superb slice of sci-fi action that brings whoops of appreciation from the audience and effortlessly delivers cult cool iconic status. It’s been a long time since Bruce Willis kicked this much ass – this is a ‘must see’ movie!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö – Haunted and hunted by the future in fine style!

5 – packs in dangerous levels of awesomeness

Awesomeness ööööö – superb scenes that will stay with you

Laughs öö – Limited but some dark funnies

Horror ööö – kids get killed, this isn't soft sci-fi

Babes öööö – Blunt is hot, plus quite bit of random nudity

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö – moral compass is spinning

"Emily Blunt looks the part"

Darkmatters Review: Savages

Savages (15)

Dir. Oliver Stone

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Just because I'm telling you this story... doesn't mean I'm alive at the end of it.”

Oliver Stone blasts back onto the big screen with a brutal, visceral and beautiful tale of drugs, violence and relationships in the form of ‘Savages’. Step out of the UK autumn drizzle and into a sun-drenched world of drug lords, Santa Muerte masks, grim beheadings and heavy-duty gunplay, all underpinned with a kinky relationship love triangle…

"trick or treat!?"

Savages tells the tale of attractive young beach bum weed-heads O (Blake Lively), Ben (Aaron Johnson) and Chon (Taylor Kitsch). These three sexy as hell youngsters share a bed, run their own weed growing / selling business and enjoy the good life… But everything changes - they get in way over their heads when a very nasty drug cartel makes them an offer (which they can’t really refuse) to take over their operation.

O is the siren nymph who shares her two lovers - Ben is the gentle, Zen one who knows the 'erb and uses his funds to help save African children. Chon however is the hard Navy SEAL who is prepared to be the 1% violent enforcement, which their dubious business requires when people decide not to pay for their product.

"decisions decisions"

When the evil Baja cartel lead by Elena Sanchez (Salma Hayek) – who has a penchant for head removal of anyone who crosses her - move in and want a cut of their business, the trio decide to cash in their ill gotten gains and run. But the Baja enforcer is a seriously nasty piece of work named Lado, played by Benicio del Toro, who won’t let them go and so kidnaps O.

Throw John Travolta's corrupt DEA agent into the mix and things get messy…

There are some excellent action scenes, the stand out of which sees Chon get some of his army pals in to help them take down a Baja drugs money drop – complete with IEDs, rocket launchers and copious amounts of gunfire.

Another unforgettable scene see Ben and Chon’s sweaty highway trip to try and deliver a van loaded 300 pounds of grass against the clock but desperately trying to avoid the cops...

Savages tries to show the situation from both sides of the story but you can’t help but root for the good looking trio of ‘heroes’ – they do look absolutely amazing. In fact if you can stand the serious violence, the eye candy (both male and female) is off the scale hot.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö – it's a savage world...

4 – Good job Mr Stone, more like this please!

Awesomeness öööö – the tense, sweaty action is great

Laughs öö – Travolta adds some comic relief!?

Horror öööö – very violent in places

Babes öööö – Lively MMmmmmmm!

Spiritual Enlightenment ö – just say 'no' whatever the cost?

Darkmatters Review: The Sweeney

The Sweeney (15)

Dir. Nick Love

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“We’re The Sweeney, we do the things that you can only dream about…”

Who do you turn to when armed criminals start murdering innocent people in broad daylight on the streets of London, turning over private banks and jewelers at will and generally flaunting the law? The Metropolitan Police Flying Squad or ‘Sweeney’ – as in ‘Sweeney Todd’ rhyming slang - that’s who.

"Jaguar vs Ford Focus ST (driven by The Sweeney)

The Sweeney, led by Jack Regan (Ray Winstone), backed up by George Carter (Ben ‘Plan B’ Drew) don’t play by the rules. Beating up criminals, hunting them down with extreme prejudice and generally taking any excuse to fire up their modded Ford Focus and recklessly speed about. As Carter says at one point ‘you have to act like a criminal, to catch a criminal’…

Director Nick ‘Football Factory’ Love has a knack for bringing over-the-top violence, swearing and macho posturing to the big screen and so this update of the classic ‘70s British cop-em-up fits like a glove.

I can just about remember seeing the original Sweeney (played by John Thaw and Dennis Waterman) they used to burn around in a Ford Granada and beating up criminals. Not a great deal has changed in this big screen modern day version.

"stop or we'll shoot... actually, we'll probably shoot anyway!"

It seems that Allen (Paul Anderson) a high level criminal is on the loose and wanted for a daring armed robbery during which an innocent shopper was executed. The Sweeney are soon on his case but all is not as first appears… Throw into the mix an uptight boss of the department (Damian ‘Homeland’ Lewis), and an angry internal investigator (Steven Mackintosh), who wants to shut The Sweeney down and mix until it all goes off big style!?

The plot bends over backwards to accommodate pretty much every cop drama cliché ever seen – including some lovely nods to other films such as Scum (one of Winstone’s first films). The females in the cast, who include the lovely Hayley Atwell, are mostly there for decoration and emotional plot points. But none of this stops The Sweeney being a brilliant burst of crunching action fun.

"Winstone giving Plan B his 'honest' feedback on the new album"

Winstone plays his take on Jack Regan a lot like a more violent Life on Mars’ Gene Hunt while Drew convinces as a chav thug turned good (if you saw in Harry Brown, then you’ll know what to expect).

The Sweeney is stylishly filmed and packs both the best opening sequence of any film this year and an awesome high caliber weapon shootout across Trafalgar Square, which is seriously exciting.

Don’t mug yourself off – go and see The Sweeney!!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö – bring the noise...

5 – would be ahem 'criminal' to miss it!

Awesomeness öööö – tasty action and shoot-em-up high jinks

Laughs ööö – some laughs

Horror öööö – kinda violent and over the top

Babes ööö – Atwell is hot

Spiritual Enlightenment öö – be good or the law will beat the living c**p out of you...

"Hayley swears not to be carrying any concealed weapons..."

Darkmatters Review: DREDD 3D

DREDD 3D (18)

Dir. Pete Travis

“Rookie, you ready?”

“You look ready!”

800 million people living in the ruin of the old world. Only one thing fighting for order in the chaos, the men and women of the Hall of Justice. Feared and renowned the Judges are the thin blue line – they are the law, empowered to deliver the sentence on criminals on the spot – and often the sentence is ‘death’.

DREDD 3D sees 2000AD’s Judge Dredd (Karl Urban) ripped straight from the comic’s pages and given his second big screen outing, after the lackluster ‘90s Stallone effort. Director Pete Travis’s new grittier and darker version sees Dredd partnered with a rookie psychic Judge named Anderson (Olivia Thirlby). Together they face a nightmare in the form of a 200-floor mega-block, which is controlled by a ruthless, and psychotic crime lord named Ma-Ma (Lena Headey).

"pray the Jehovah's Witnesses never become Judges!?"

When a triple murder investigation leads the dynamic duo of Judges into a dangerous drug bust, Ma-Ma locks the entire block down and set her army of criminals the task of wiping them out before they can dig too deep into her drug operation. The drug in question is a new one called SLO-MO, which slows down the users perception of time so each second seems to last an age. So it’s two Judges verses hundreds of seriously tooled up criminals in a fight to the death, and that’s it pretty much for plot, if it sounds a bit like the excellent ‘The Raid’ from earlier this year, fear not, DREDD brings enough dark sci-fi-ness to the party to make it a fine companion piece rather than any ‘me-too’ effort.

The ultra-violent carnage that ensues is of the seriously gory and highly graphic kind. The filmmakers, who include Luton’s finest Steve Worsley on assistant editing duties, bring the action to eye-watering life, making fine use of the 3D too in the process.

"nice hair - essential for law enforcement"

DREDD 3D is an action packed thrill ride that doesn’t pull its punches. At times you even feel slightly sorry for the heavily armed gang members as DREDD cuts swathes through them with his various types of ammo which include incendiary, high explosive and hot-head (which lights up a perps head like a lantern at one point).

Urban brings a great emotionless grizzled menace to the lead role and he’s ably backed up by Thirlby who gives the film a little humanity (and who looks great in her Judge armour). Urban keeps fans on side by not taking off his helmet throughout, and Heady delivers a nicely evil turn as Ma-Ma.

Everything works in fine, brutal style, making DREDD 3D a highly recommended night out for sci-fi fans with strong stomachs everywhere!!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö1/2 – Judgment is here...

4.5 – Ma-Ma is not the law; I am the law.

Awesomeness öööö – crunching shootouts are jaw dropping

Laughs ö – you might laugh at the sheer OTT ultra violence

Horror öööö – brutal, gory and grim in places

Babes öö – Thirlby is kind of hot in uniform

Spiritual Enlightenment öö – obey the law...

"Anderson - alternative outfit!"

Darkmatters Review: Total Recall 2012

Total Recall (12a)

Dir. Len Wiseman

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“The past is a construct of the mind. It blinds us. It fools us into believing it. But the heart wants to live in the present…”

Get ready for a surprise… Here’s Hollywood strip-mining another ‘classic’ film – this one – a new ‘interpretation’ of Philip K Dick's short story We Can Remember It for You Wholesale. The ‘90s version had the winning team of bloodbath specialist director Paul Verhoeven and lumbering action hero specialist Arnie. The new version has Underworld and Die Hard director Len Wiseman and leading man Colin Farrell… Darkmatters review if original Total Recall here.

"Quaid plays the PS4"

Plot wise, instead of there being a conflict between Martian colonists and Earth’s powerful baddies, Wiseman tries for a fight between the good old United Federation of Britain (UFB) and a sleazy underworld known as the ‘Colony’ – formed by the remains of Australia. The rest of the world is inhabitable thanks to a world wide chemical war but the two livable areas are at least connected by a huge travel shaft that runs through the core of the planet and is known as ‘The Fall’.

Looks wise Total Recall 2012 owes quite a lot to Blade Runner – all rainy high-rise slums connected by floating car superhighways and various walkways. Farrell plays Doug Quaid, a humble Colony-dwelling assembly-line worker (making future police robots) but he has dreams of being a superspy. Alas that’s not likely to happen unless he visits Rekall - a company that provides its clients with implanted fake memories of a life they would like to have led. The procedure goes haywire though and Quaid finds himself on the run, fighting the powers and trying to stop a full-scale invasion of the Colony, using the very robots he’s been making for years.

"no time for bum-dancing"

Everything in this new Recall has been given a smart lick of quality CGI special effect coating and the females of the piece come in the shapely forms of Doug’s gorgeous wife (Kate Beckinsale) and sexy resistance fighter Melina (Jessica Biel).

The action rocks along at a good pace and there are several impressive scenes that are worth the price of admission. Alas the new version feels slightly soulless and machine tooled to be just another summer blockbuster rather than any sort of classic.

For fans of the original there are at least some nice nods and winks which include an update of the 3 boobied lady “you’ll wish you had three hands” and a lovely sequence which apes the Arnie disguised as a woman going through security system – only to nicely wrong-foot the viewer.

This is a trip worth taking but it will make you recall how good the original was!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö1/2 – The future isn't what it used to be...

3.5 – recall this but don't expect too much

Awesomeness ööö – some good chases and shootouts

Laughs öö – amusing in parts

Horror öö – some slightly brutal fights

Babes ööö – B&B Beckinsale and Biel

Spiritual Enlightenment öö – that Rekall will mess with your mind

"more boobies the better?"

Darkmatters Review: Lockout

Lockout (15)

Dir. James Mather & Stephen St. Leger

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Don't get me wrong. It's a dream vacation. I mean, I load up. I go into space. I get inside the maximum-security nuthouse. Save the President's daughter, if she's not dead already. Get past all the psychos who've just woken up. I'm thrilled that you would think of me.”

In the near future a guy named Snow (Guy Pearce) – you know, a tough heroic type – well he gets locked up for a crime he didn't commit after a heavy duty fight in a hotel over a mysterious briefcase. Well it’s not good news for Snow because maximum security prison now means a space prison called MS-1 and he’s down for a thirty-year stint in cryogenic stasis. But wouldn’t you know it… MS-1 gets overrun by the scumbag inmates – just as the president's sexy daughter, Emilie (Emily Grace) is visiting on a humanitarian mission. So it’s down to Snow to either go in and save her or do his time inside.

"think Begbie in space..."

Snow is a great antihero, which Pearce brings to larger than life chain-smoking, wiseass cracking, buffed to the max glory. He’s like a modern day Arnie killing baddies and making funnies in equal measure.

Look out for the excellent 'voice activated grenades' which are used to brilliant comic effect...

The directors James Mather & Stephen St. Leger are the geniuses behind my all time favourite short film ‘Prey Alone’ (Darkmatters Review here) which they made themselves – including the jaw dropping special effects. The CGI in Lockout isn’t the highest spec but it’s hard not to get caught up in the sheer excitement of a white-knuckle future bike chase / shootout which packs insane video game styling.

Pearce is superb in a very different role to his normal higher brow stuff and the script penned with help from Luc Besson is top notch B movie fun. He’s up against the 500 angry convicts led by evil Alex (Vincent Regan) and his totally psycho brother Hydell (Joseph Gilgun).

"I do NOT look like Ben Affleck"

The violent mayhem that ensues is of the running, gunning and shoot-em-up kind – with obligatory funnies that just keep hitting the mark such as when Emilie proves she can lay down convincing amounts of suppressing automatic gun fire, Snow quips “I didn’t have you down as a Democrat.”

If you're in the mood for a fast paced, superior thrill ride that comes with all the sci-fi trimmings - even including a brief spaceship fighter assault on the prison which has echoes of the attack on the Death Star - step this way!

"the new nose operated keyboard wasn't catching on"

Lockout is a fantastic fun sci-fi action thriller that ticks all the boxes. It feels like the best of the old school b-movie romps updated for the 2012. Highly recommended!!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö1/2

4.5 – Takes no prisoners...

"Maggie Grace"

Darkmatters Review: A Touch Of Cloth

A Touch of Cloth – The First Case (15)

Initial reactions by Matt Adcock

Charlie Brooker - genius media chewer / creator of Nathan Barley, Dead Set, and Black Mirror has ripped up the murder mystery genre with his latest: A Touch of Cloth. Playing as a feature-length crime drama spoof-em-up, in the vein of Airplane or Naked Gun – ‘Cloth’ stars John Hannah and Suranne Jones as wonderfully dysfunctional police partners.

"good cop / bad cop"

The plot sees driven cop Jack Cloth (Hannah) trying to get by in a Max Payne kind of existence – he’s turned to alcohol in order to deal with the death of his wife (who he sees in ghostly visions). In a moment of excellence – of which there are many - his backstory is told in a series of newspaper cuttings which he has framed on his wall. Enter Anne Oldman (Jones) as his new partner whose warrant card describes her as "100% Tits and Ambition."

"I don't think he's going to make it..."

Together the pair investigate a series of increasingly grisly murders and find themselves on the trail of a devious killer. As you do. If you’re a detective. The case leads Cloth and Oldman from leafy forests to sinister lock-ups, from the luxury home of an arrogant TV chef to the cold dissection rooms of vampish forensic pathologist, packing in as many jokes as humanly possible along the way.

Double entendres mix it up with razor sharp one liners, killer visual gags and laugh out loud moments – A Touch of Cloth isn’t just a meta-spoof of every recent crime show, it forges a fantastic new reality and blows the bloody doors off.

More like this please Sky 1…

The DVD is out 03 September and more episodes plus a feature film length one are in production!!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö

5 – Cloth is coming to wipe away crime - in fine style!!

"Suranne Jones - has a lot of front!"

Darkmatters Review: Keith Lemon The Film

Keith Lemon: The Film (15)

Dir. Paul Angunawela

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Ooosh – if you’re looking for a bang tidy night out at the cinema, you’re cordially invited to lose all inhibitions, drop any semblance of taste or decency and let Mr Keith Lemon (businessman of the year ’93) set about you with his own brand of crude comic craziness...

Up until now Keith Lemon (Leigh Francis) has been a small screen alternative comedy phenomena with Bo’ Selecta, Celebrity Juice and Keith Lemon’s Lemonaid. Lemon is famed for his sexist Yorkshire ways, he sports a “strawberry blonde” mullet and ginger moustache.

Now unleashed on the big screen in Keith Lemon: The Film by Writer / Director Paul Angunawela, the pervy Lemon might just have bitten off a bit more than he can comfortably chew.

"do you come here often?"

This is the charmless tale of how Lemon went from struggling loser salesman to overnight billionaire sensation thanks to his un-P.A.T. tested ‘Lemon Phone’. Without a meaningful plot to run with, the film lurches from one comedy set piece to another, sure, some are very funny, most of them are very rude and the whole proceeding is propped up by a mass of celebrity cameos from the likes of Verne Troyer, David Hasselhoff, Tinchy Stryder, Gino D'Acampo, Chris Moyles, Phillip Schofield and Rizzle Kicks to name but a few.

Keith Lemon: The Film does have one major selling point thought and it shameless uses it all the way through – Kelly Brook in her underwear… Brook proves that she’s game for a laugh as she lampoons herself and flashes her curvy body for the camera and Lemon to slobber over. Laura Aikman does her best to compete as Lemon’s pregnant girlfriend Rosie, who gets kidnapped by ‘Evil’ Steve (also played by Francis).

This is the very definition of a ‘hit and miss’ film, there are parts that are brain-damagingly rubbish and altogether cringy but there are also some (if not enough) quality laugh-so-much-you’ll-hernia sections which offer redemption for Lemon fans.

"yes Miss Brook - you've got the part!"

Bodily function gags abound and no area of sexual crassness is left undisturbed – at times the sheer amount of celebs on screen makes it feel like you’ve wandered inadvertently into a VIP Green Room sexually charged drinking session.

Keith Lemon: The Film should not be approached by the squeamish or easily offended, as you’ll likely leave the cinema traumatized, but for those who are devotees of Francis’s madcap OTT sex-comedy, there is probably enough here to satisfy until the threatened sequel!?

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö – One for Lemon lovers only

3 – cheesy does it

Awesomeness ööö – laughing and cringing in equal parts

Laughs öööö – will smash your laughter back doors in

Horror öö – bodily fluids / male nudity bit not be everyone's cup of tea

Babes öööö – Brook is wow!

Spiritual Enlightenment -öö – likely to degrade your mind...

"Kelly shows her acting talents"

Darkmatters Review: Total Recall

Total Recall (18) - Blu-ray

Dir. Paul Verhoeven

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rachel Ticotin, Sharon Stone, Michael Ironside, Ronny Cox, Marshall Bell, Mel Johnson Jr

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Q: What is it that is exactly the same about every single vacation you have ever taken?

A: You…

22 years ago director Paul Verhoeven's blew a mega-budget on making a full-on funky sci-fi action blockbuster – based on a Philip K. Dick short story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale."

Schwarzenegger was at the height of his ass-kicking powers and this tale saw him discover that his entire life had been ‘invented’ to keep him from meddling in a dastardly scheme for planetary domination on Mars.

"surprise"

The pleasingly mind-bending plot was backed up with some Oscar-winning special effects and great OTT violent action scenes, which saw Arnold, work his wooden magic as a believably clueless hero Douglas Quaid construction worker. Director Paul ‘Robocop’ Verhoeven loves a bit of gratuitous bloodshed and he makes 2084 a time of utter carnage…

The plot sees Doug haunted by a recurring dream of the red planet. He goes to Rekall – a company who sell implanted but when he tries to buy a memory of Mars something goes wrong. He finds out that he is actually a top secret agent fighting against an evil Mars administrator Cohaagen (Ronny Cox).

"I'm not actually your wife"

The action is cracking stuff and it holds up well after all these years. The new Colin Farrell starring remake will have to its work cut out to top the sheer energy and balls out thrills here.

The special effects now look a bit quaint but there are some that bring a massive smile to the face when you immediately remember the classic bits such as the infamous 3 boobed woman and the fake large “get ready for a surprise” head that Arnie wears at one point.

This release of Total Recall is packed with great extras too – pick of the bunch is the restoration comparison featurette, which shows up just how amazing the Blu-ray visuals are. All the features are worth a watch for fans though but the film just looks so flippin amazing this is a triple A Blu beast!

"Arnie hears about the remake..."

Total Recall is a quality sci-fi blast of a movie. The words ‘classic’ and ‘all time great’ are ones that belong to this film and this disc is the best version yet to pick up!

Darkmatters review of Total Recall 2012 here

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

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4 – the ride of your life ('90s style)

"The '90s vision of what the Wii would be..."