Sunday, April 13, 2008
Pathology - the 'diagnosis rubbish' review
Dir. Marc Schoelermann
Reviewed by Matt Adcock
I’ve heard it said that Pathology is actually a ‘window to God’. Pathologists get to witness things that most of us will never see – the perversion and corruption of the flesh by all means unnatural...by violence...by toxin...by madness... and their job is to determine the cause of death.
Pathology the movie is an attempt to explore the dark underbelly of the profession, asking the question ‘what if these doctors turned homicidal and started killing people for kicks?’ Sounds like an interesting idea for a film yeah? Well here’s a transcript I found stuffed down the back of one of the seats at Cineworld Luton… it seems to reveal how the movie came about…
Hotshot writing duo: Pathology – it’s about this group of doctors who form a dangerous clique where they take in turns to kill people and the rest have to work out how they did it… The audience get to watch in gruesome details as the bodies are cut up, we’re talking lots of blood and internal organ close ups!!
Studio film funding Exec: Cool, like a chainsaw to the head?
Hotshot writing duo: No, much more sneaky, we envisage chemicals and devious stuff like that…
Studio film funding Exec: Hhmmm, sounds a bit like an episode of Casualty… What’s the selling point?
Hotshot writing duo: What about if the doctors are kinky and two of them are hot women who maybe get off with each other?
Studio film funding Exec: I’m interested…
Hotshot writing duo: And we can make one of then get naked a lot and even have it off in front of a dead body… Oh and how about making her have a passion for sticking needles in her lovers?
Studio film funding Exec: Urggh that’s gross… I‘m sold – kinky deviant doctors, bloody dissection and stomach turning close ups of internal organs, this is going to be great! Who’s the hero?
Hotshot writing duo: Milo Ventimiglia… that guy from Heroes
Studio film funding Exec: YES! He’s credible… will he do it?
Agent for Milo ‘ Heroes’ Ventimiglia: I can confirm that my client has no problem with the masses of perverse behaviour, including violence, gruesome images, strong sexual content, nudity, drug use and bad language that make up this movie.
Hotshot writing duo: Oh, just one more thing, it's all a bit rubbish.
Studio film funding Exec: Who cares, we’ll just make a cool poster… Kerching!! Bring it!
Hotshot writing duo: Remember: no ‘body’ is safe… lol… we’re off to quickly bank that cheque before everybody sees how bad this is!
"if you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them..."
DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):
Endorphin Stimulation: ööö (3)
- limited enjoyment and nothing to get the heart racing
Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- not very tasty, more 'distasteful'
Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Lauren Lee Smith is often unclad... men everywhere are grateful
Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (8)
- slow and drooping pacing doesn't help
Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- nothing very funny here
Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- Interesting idea, shame about the actual film!
Liable to make you:
"not be able to look your doctor in the eye"
DM Poster Quote:
“It's what on the inside that counts..."
"see this scalpel, have a guess where I'm going to stick it!"
Darkmatters: H O M E