Film Review - Righteous Kill

Righteous Kill (15)

Dir. Jon Avnet

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


“There’s nothing wrong with a little shooting, as long as the right people get shot!?” In this case though it’s the film makers who should be in the firing line…

My name is Turk, I’m a no-nonsense cop who isn’t averse to breaking a few scumbag’s heads in the line of duty.

And my name is Rooster, I’m erm, also a no-nonsense cop who isn’t averse to breaking a few scumbag’s heads in the line of duty…

Turk – well, I’m a real badass, maverick cop and you’re gonna respect me cos I’m played by heavy-weight Oscar winner Robert De Niro!?

Rooster – huh, well, I’m also a real badass, maverick cop and I’m played by heavy-weight Oscar winner Al Pacino so who’s the daddy now?

You get the idea right, Righteous Kill is nothing if not a star vehicle for De Niro and Pacino, each waving their bits playing cop partners caught up in a serial killer case where the killer looks like being a cop. Sounds like a certain smash hit, bringing the two screen legends together in a movie for the first time since their sizzling riposte in Michael Mann’s classic ‘Heat’.

So good cop, bad cop, but is the film any cop? In a word ‘no’, Righteous Kill is a steaming shoddy embarrassment for all concerned, not least the viewer. On the evidence presented here director Avnet deserves to be banned from ever making another film, so criminal is his waste of the talent on offer. It made me want to weep seeing the two acting titans limping about without anything meaningful to do, spouting rubbish dialogue and treading a predictable, risible plot. I’d heard bad things about Righteous Kill but even setting my expectations to ‘low’ could not prepare me for quite how poor this was.

Words like ‘woeful’ and ‘lackluster’ kept popping into my mind while the vigilante killings of various criminals stumbled across the screen. It seems any perp acquitted of murder, drug dealing, child molestation etc on Turk and Rooster’s watch comes to a sticky end from the business end of a police issue weapon. Could one or both of them be responsible or are they being framed? You probably won’t even care after an hour of po-faced plodding and half hearted autopilot acting from all concerned. But however poor the majority of the film is, the supposed climax plunges to previously unexplored depths of pain inducing tedium.

You’ve been warned…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ö (1)

- Really very poor and un-engaging...

Tasty Action: öööö (4)

+ Some half hearted shootin...

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööö (7)

+ Carla Gugino is quite foxy...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö (9)

- Monkeys might fly out of my butt, but I still almost fell asleep...

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)

+ You might laugh at just how bad it is...

Arbitrary final rating: öö (2)

"Most people respect the badge, everyone respects the gun," but nobody respects a duff movie and that’s what Righteous Kill is.

"This guy's a gonna. Bit like our film careers if we make any more films like this..."

Liable to make you:
"bitterly regret going to see this..."

DM Poster Quote:
"See two old timers laughing all the way to the bank!"

Film Review: The Mummy - Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (12a)

Dir. Rob Cohen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

When there’s serious adventuring to be done everybody knows that there’s only man who fits the bill… a certain Mr Indiana Jones. But what if Indy is off tackling mysterious crystal skulls? Well, then you might consider Rick O'Connell (played by Brendan ‘The Mummy’ Fraser) and his wife Evelyn (Maria ‘Not in The Mummy’ Bello, who pretends she’s Rachel Weisz from the previous two Mummy films).
Yes hot on the dusty heels of Indy’s big screen return stumbles the third of The Mummy films which have tried hard up until now to be almost passable Indy substitutes. Alas
Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the worst Mummy by a mile, utterly devoid of merit and serving only to show that even when Indy is having a bit of an off day – he’s still head and shoulders better than this risible mind numbing ‘adventure’.
So this time the Mummy causing the trouble is an ancient Chinese emperor (played by an embarrassed looking Jet Li), seems he took over most of the civilised world back in his day and has now returned to grasp immortality and finish his plans for world domination.
Director Rob ‘Stealth’ Cohen is on a major losing streak at the moment, and given that his next film is entitled ‘King of the Nudies‘ I’m not holding out a great deal of hope for that to break his trend of virtually unforgivably bad movies. With nothing but a crack team of CGI artists to try and keep it afloat, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor blatantly ‘borrows’ elements from Jones’ adventures such as a Shanghai nightclub scene, the central character having to find the elixir of immortality after being mortally wounded and even an action theme that evokes bullwhips and wisecracks.
Sympathy has to go to John Hannah who is lumbered with some of the worst on screen dialogue ever (and who has to try and milk a laugh from being sicked on by a yak) – he must really need the money.
The Mummy franchise has effectively put a bullet in it’s own head with this effort, surely the only way a Mummy 4 could be made would be if the plot followed how the script writers, producers and director of this reeking disposable waste of time and money were to be walled alive in a tomb, only to be awoken in future times where they threaten to wreak more rubbish cinematic vengeance on the world…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öö (2)
- This is akin to microwaving your brain... it hurts and it's not fun!!

Tasty Action: ööö (3)
- Only the Yetis can look back on this with any satisfaction

Gratuitous Babeness: öööö (4)
- Bello is okay at best

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö (9)
- This should be renamed - 'The Mummy: Tomb of the Mummy Franchise'

Comedic Value: ööö (3)
- You'll be laughing at the movie, not with it...

Arbitrary final rating: öö (2)
Possibly the worst film of the Decade!?

Liable to make you:
"cry"

DM Poster Quote:
“Some things are better left dead"

Sex and the City - the 'please God make it stop' review

Sex and the City (15)

Dir. Michael Patrick King

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


Females of a certain age rejoice… Sex and the City has hit the big screen and it has brought enough shoes, couture outfits and relationship problems to last you a lifetime… In the oestrogen drenched Luton Cineworld, there was a tangible sense of anticipation; either that or it was the chemical reaction of hundreds of different perfumes intermingling.
My friend Tom and I sheepishly made our way to the front of the packed screening trying to nonchalantly ignore the cat-calls and wolf whistles from the gathered females.
Two and half hours later (which felt like at least five) we stumbled for the exit having had the masculinity drained from us, our minds turned to pulp and our wills to live crushed.
Sex and the City has a massive following, is loved by many and watched by millions on TV – providing a regular dose of posh frocks, expensive shoes and ‘look we can still act like teenagers even though we’re middle aged’ girl power. And on TV it kind of worked, but unfortunately as a movie it just doesn’t have the legs to stand up against smarter, funnier and better written alternatives. Sex and the City is a bloated, extravagant overload of excess – with a bum numbing running time padded out by coma inducing simplistic plotting and generally less than agreeable characters.
Picking up about four years after the show's series finale, here we have spoilt writer Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) looking to possibly tie the knot with ‘Big’ (Chris Noth), whilst her girl pals such as the aging nympho Samantha (Kim Cattrall) fret that she’s losing her independence. Then there’s Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) who each get a pet issue to neatly overcome in the extended running time. Apparently they all "still feel like single girls" whether attached or not and there’s a well framed utterly over the top montage of dresses / shoes / Louis Vuitton handbags every ten minutes or so to keep the product placement team happy.
Basically your enjoyment of Sex and the City will depend on whether you’re a fan of the show – if so then you’ll probably go home satisfied, if not then you’ll vow to avoid any re-runs on TV as it might engender flashbacks of the time you wasted watching this movie. I actually found myself loving the bit where Carries goes on a terrifying gun rampage through NYC, only wake up and find that I’d imagined it and there was still over an hour of her whining on about the size of her closet to endure… Be afraid.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö (3)
- I saw Tom punching himself in the face to stay awake...

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- one okay sex scene doesn't make up for a plot which induces deep vein thrombosis of the brain

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
+ Not really into 'older women' but they look good (for their age)

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (7)
- If you don't like shoes to the point of fetish, you really might want to give this a miss

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ 'it' girl pooing her pants might put a smile on your face

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- only see this if you loved the TV Series

Liable to make you:
"vomit on your fake Louis Vuitton"

DM Poster Quote:
“no real emotions were hurt in the making of this movie"

Pathology - the 'diagnosis rubbish' review

Pathology (18)

Dir. Marc Schoelermann

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

I’ve heard it said that Pathology is actually a ‘window to God’. Pathologists get to witness things that most of us will never see – the perversion and corruption of the flesh by all means unnatural...by violence...by toxin...by madness... and their job is to determine the cause of death.
Pathology the movie is an attempt to explore the dark underbelly of the profession, asking the question ‘what if these doctors turned homicidal and started killing people for kicks?’ Sounds like an interesting idea for a film yeah? Well here’s a transcript I found stuffed down the back of one of the seats at Cineworld Luton… it seems to reveal how the movie came about…

Hotshot writing duo: Pathology – it’s about this group of doctors who form a dangerous clique where they take in turns to kill people and the rest have to work out how they did it… The audience get to watch in gruesome details as the bodies are cut up, we’re talking lots of blood and internal organ close ups!!

Studio film funding Exec: Cool, like a chainsaw to the head?

Hotshot writing duo: No, much more sneaky, we envisage chemicals and devious stuff like that…

Studio film funding Exec: Hhmmm, sounds a bit like an episode of Casualty… What’s the selling point?

Hotshot writing duo: What about if the doctors are kinky and two of them are hot women who maybe get off with each other?

Studio film funding Exec: I’m interested…

Hotshot writing duo: And we can make one of then get naked a lot and even have it off in front of a dead body… Oh and how about making her have a passion for sticking needles in her lovers?

Studio film funding Exec: Urggh that’s gross… I‘m sold – kinky deviant doctors, bloody dissection and stomach turning close ups of internal organs, this is going to be great! Who’s the hero?

Hotshot writing duo: Milo Ventimiglia… that guy from Heroes

Studio film funding Exec: YES! He’s credible… will he do it?

Agent for Milo ‘ Heroes’ Ventimiglia: I can confirm that my client has no problem with the masses of perverse behaviour, including violence, gruesome images, strong sexual content, nudity, drug use and bad language that make up this movie.

Hotshot writing duo: Oh, just one more thing, it's all a bit rubbish.

Studio film funding Exec: Who cares, we’ll just make a cool poster… Kerching!! Bring it!

Hotshot writing duo: Remember: no ‘body’ is safe… lol… we’re off to quickly bank that cheque before everybody sees how bad this is!


"if you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö (3)
- limited enjoyment and nothing to get the heart racing

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- not very tasty, more 'distasteful'

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Lauren Lee Smith is often unclad... men everywhere are grateful

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (8)
- slow and drooping pacing doesn't help

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- nothing very funny here

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- Interesting idea, shame about the actual film!

Liable to make you:
"not be able to look your doctor in the eye"

DM Poster Quote:
“It's what on the inside that counts..."


"see this scalpel, have a guess where I'm going to stick it!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Aliens vs Predator Requiem - review

"take one iconic space monster"
"add another 'almost as iconic' space monster"

- light the fuse for an all time classic!

Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem (15)

Dir. The Brothers Strause (Greg and Colin)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Remember - in space, no one can hear you scream.

On Earth, everyone will hear you – it’s just a shame that you’ll probably be screaming ‘I want my money back!!’…

Learning nothing it seems from the minor hit Alien vs. Predator from 2004, except that there is an audience of people who will still pay to see these two iconic creatures – the money men at Twentieth Century Fox have given us Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem (AVP-R).

As big fan of both series of films (I liked the first AVP film) I was stoked at the thought that this just night be the ultimate stand-off between the classic shiny headed, chest bursting, jaw extending xenomorphs and the dreadlocked space hunters with a nifty line in infra-red vision and shoulder mounted laser cannons. Directed by ‘lifelong fans of both franchises’, Greg and Colin Strause, who were eager to recreate the magic of the terrifying space saga and pay homage to the hallmarks that made the originals so memorable.

Set in a modern day small U.S. town, a predator training ship carrying the hybrid ‘predalien’, hinted at in the last AVP film, crash lands leading to a very bad time for the population and an ensuing massive alien infection. A sole predator ‘cleaner’ is dispatched from the predator homeworld – he’s a badass alien exterminator tasked with saving the day before the situation gets out of hand. What’s not to love?

Um, how about just about everything?

AVP-R is a cheap looking, slap in the face of all the Alien or Predator films that have gone before. Gone is anything classy, or any scenes that will make you drop your popcorn and applaud, in fact anything much worthy of praise or merit - apart from some occasionally decent special effects. Instead we get a derisive, predictable and painfully muddled plotline, weak and entirely disposable characters – you know you’re in trouble when the most likeable is the dim blonde love interest Jesse (Kristen Hager).

"Miss Hager shows off her acting skills"  

Then there’s the supposedly heroic Dallas (yes the namesake of the Captain in the original Alien) played by Steven Pasquale – not sure if he’s any relation to Joe - an ‘off the shelf’ bad boy who specialises in shouting out a running commentary on what’s happening right in front of him like: “People are dying... we need guns!”

So how can you enjoy the slack jawed and ‘trying a bit too hard to be nasty’ thrills on offer in AVP-R? I’d advise unplugging your brain and leaving behind any love you have for the Alien or Predator films thus far - approach AVP-R with very limited expectations and they might just be met.

Having said that if seeing a ward of pregnant women being overrun by aliens, a young boy having his stomach burst our after seeing his father die the same way and actually finding yourself starting to feel sorry for the Predator that seems to have to wander around aimlessly for quite a lot of the screen time appeals to you… Step this way!

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008 (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö (9)
- Chronic and dangerous levels, approach with caution

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Laughable more like!

Endorphin Stimulation: ö (1)- flatline excitement levels...

Tasty Action: öö (2)
- couple of almost interesting fights, but most of the 'action' is badly directed and lacks punch

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- The brothers Strause should be impregnated with alien spawn...

Liable to make you:
“weep for how bigger missed opportunity this was... and how crap it is!"

DM Poster Quote:
“They really should have stayed in space ”

P.S. I Love You - review

"Look out - he's behind you!!"

P.S. I Love You (12a)

Dir. Richard LaGravenese

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Prepare yourself – this just might be the most horrific cinematic experience you have in 2008. Imagine a sick film where a grieving widow is maliciously stalked by a maniac who sends her sinister letters supposedly signed by her dead husband… Actually that’s not true, change the stalking maniac to the woman’s utterly obsessed husband who is actually tricking her into thinking that he’s dead – all the while laughing at her from beyond the grave… ingeniously messed up huh?
Oh it’s no use, there’s no way I can try and make P.S. I Love You sound any better than it is and that’s the very worst kind of soppy, schmaltzy supposedly romantic comedy, utterly bereft of either romance, or comedy.

Hilary ‘Million Dollar Baby’ Swank, might be a great actress but she’s neither cute nor funny enough to salvage this turgid festering cesspool of irritating boredom. And in this sorry and mildly unsettling tale of how her hunky Irish husband (Gerald ‘300’ Butler) dies young but finds the time to somehow write lots of letters, arrange holidays and other ‘surprises’ to lavish on her after he’s popped his clogs.

If that whole concept doesn’t weird you out then there’s still no reason I can give you to go and see this. Holly (Swank) is one of the most annoying main characters ever committed to film but even she is endearing when compared to her overgrown leprechaun of a husband who needs to tried for crimes against the Irish accent. Butler was outstanding as King Leonidas in 300 last year but here he stinks up the screen to the point that I was delighted when he was killed off prematurely. Alas he’s a hard man to keep down and he pops up again at regular intervals either as a ghost or in vapid flashbacks. Then there’s Lisa Kudrow (still playing Phoebe from Friends) and Harry Connick, Jr who provide some light relief only by not being quite as bad as the two leads,

The only moment of pleasure I had during the whole film was when I turned to see if my mate Tom and his girlfriend were enjoying it as little as I was and found that Tom was actually poking himself in the eye in order to try and stay awake!

P.S. Don’t rob yourself of two hours that you’ll never get back. – go and see something else!!

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008
(all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö
- you might enjoy taking the piss out of it

Tasty Action: ö
- none, unless you count Swank falling off a stage

Gratuitous Babeness: öö
- Swank in a bra really isn't very sexy

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö
- eye poking recommended

Comedic Value: öö
- very limited mirth

Arbitrary final rating: ö
- P.S. I really don't like you!!


Liable to make you: “Puke sentimental chunks of soppiness”

DM Poster Quote: “Death was too good for him, and her too actually…”



"Irish eyes might be smiling - but that's the only thing in this film!"

Darkmatters: H O M E