Pathology - the 'diagnosis rubbish' review

Pathology (18)

Dir. Marc Schoelermann

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

I’ve heard it said that Pathology is actually a ‘window to God’. Pathologists get to witness things that most of us will never see – the perversion and corruption of the flesh by all means unnatural...by violence...by toxin...by madness... and their job is to determine the cause of death.
Pathology the movie is an attempt to explore the dark underbelly of the profession, asking the question ‘what if these doctors turned homicidal and started killing people for kicks?’ Sounds like an interesting idea for a film yeah? Well here’s a transcript I found stuffed down the back of one of the seats at Cineworld Luton… it seems to reveal how the movie came about…

Hotshot writing duo: Pathology – it’s about this group of doctors who form a dangerous clique where they take in turns to kill people and the rest have to work out how they did it… The audience get to watch in gruesome details as the bodies are cut up, we’re talking lots of blood and internal organ close ups!!

Studio film funding Exec: Cool, like a chainsaw to the head?

Hotshot writing duo: No, much more sneaky, we envisage chemicals and devious stuff like that…

Studio film funding Exec: Hhmmm, sounds a bit like an episode of Casualty… What’s the selling point?

Hotshot writing duo: What about if the doctors are kinky and two of them are hot women who maybe get off with each other?

Studio film funding Exec: I’m interested…

Hotshot writing duo: And we can make one of then get naked a lot and even have it off in front of a dead body… Oh and how about making her have a passion for sticking needles in her lovers?

Studio film funding Exec: Urggh that’s gross… I‘m sold – kinky deviant doctors, bloody dissection and stomach turning close ups of internal organs, this is going to be great! Who’s the hero?

Hotshot writing duo: Milo Ventimiglia… that guy from Heroes

Studio film funding Exec: YES! He’s credible… will he do it?

Agent for Milo ‘ Heroes’ Ventimiglia: I can confirm that my client has no problem with the masses of perverse behaviour, including violence, gruesome images, strong sexual content, nudity, drug use and bad language that make up this movie.

Hotshot writing duo: Oh, just one more thing, it's all a bit rubbish.

Studio film funding Exec: Who cares, we’ll just make a cool poster… Kerching!! Bring it!

Hotshot writing duo: Remember: no ‘body’ is safe… lol… we’re off to quickly bank that cheque before everybody sees how bad this is!


"if you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö (3)
- limited enjoyment and nothing to get the heart racing

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- not very tasty, more 'distasteful'

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Lauren Lee Smith is often unclad... men everywhere are grateful

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (8)
- slow and drooping pacing doesn't help

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- nothing very funny here

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- Interesting idea, shame about the actual film!

Liable to make you:
"not be able to look your doctor in the eye"

DM Poster Quote:
“It's what on the inside that counts..."


"see this scalpel, have a guess where I'm going to stick it!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane - review

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (18)

Dir. Jonathan Levine

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

There she is boys, Mandy Lane. Untouched, pure. Since the dawn of junior year men have tried to possess her, and yet to date - all have failed. Some have even died in their reckless pursuit of this angel.

Everybody has met someone like Mandy Lane, cute, innocent and highly desirable, a real knockout and cool with it. She flits through the male population setting hearts on fire wherever she goes. Admirably clean living – just saying ‘no’ to drugs and booze, Mandy Lane is a textbook babe – the sort of girl you’re mum would like you bring home.

But over a wild weekend at a secluded Texan ranch what promises at first to be fun escape for Mandy (Amber ‘Alpha Dog’ Heard) and five of her school classmates turns from potential romantic dream into fully fledged horror nightmare.

‘All the Boys Love…’ comes on like a hip new insight into teen culture, complete with insecurities, bravado and daring do but before long we’re up to our ears in a red blooded slasher film that is tipping it’s blood soaked hat to the classic horror films of the ‘70s. And ‘All the Boy Love…’ doesn’t mess about – this is a hard, grizzly, exercise in nail biting suspense. The good looking cast might start of looking like a bunch of models on vacation but pretty soon you’ll be wondering who will survive and what will be left of them as an unwelcome psychotic killer gatecrasher seems to want Mandy all to themselves. All the boys are certainly dying to be with her - literally…

I can’t praise Amber Heard enough for her depiction of Mandy Lane, she’s set a new standard for bringing sexy back in every scene. The rest of the cast all do their thing admirably too whilst first time director Jonathan Levine has a great eye for quality cinematic shots, decent scares and a great twist ending. ‘All the Boys Love…’ is that rare beast – a quality horror film that has real cinematic merit and plot elements that will be talked about for years to come.

If you’re after some seriously gruesome thrills, mixed with well-observed teenage high jinks and a really pervasive mounting sense of dread that doesn’t let up until the final frame, go for a night out with Mandy Lane… What’s not to love?

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööööö (9)
- It's a rush from beginning to end!!

Tasty Action: ööööööööö (9)
- Lots of well constructed horror

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööööö (10)
- Amber Heard is a goddess, her pals arn't bad (or shy) either

Mind Blight / Boredom: öö (2)
- Excellently written and superbly produced

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- Some well observed dark humour

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
- Horror rarely gets this good, go check it out!!

Liable to make you:
"Fall in love with Mandy Lane and pray for a sequel"

DM Poster Quote:
“All the horror fans love Mandy Lane”


"Mandy Lane... innocent supervixen supreme!"

See more of Amber Heard here:
Amber Heard -New Film Hottie

Darkmatters: H O M E

Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - review

Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (18)

Dir. Tim Burton

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

A dangerous spirit can be found haunting Old London Town. A dashing new barber has set up shop in Fleet Street guaranteeing the ‘closest shave you’ll ever have’ – not to mention that it could well be also the last shave you’ll ever have!? Believe me when I tell you that there’s no one who can handle a cutthroat razor quite like the talented Mr Sweeney Todd.

Strangely it seems business is also unnaturally brisk in Mrs Lovett's pie-shop situated right underneath Mr Todd’s barbers… There’s something quite special and yet hard to put your finger in – sorry I mean on - about Lovett’s new secret recipe ‘meat’ pies.

So cor blimey governor if this ain’t Tim Burton’s new musical sing a long horror show that takes the Broadway hit musical and brings it lavishly to superb big screen life. But before you rush out and book your tickets for a family night out of show tunes in the company of the wickedly cool Johnny Depp and the ‘never been more gothic – and that’s really saying something’ Helena Bonham Carter, be advised that is a red-blooded eighteen certificate film that comes with serious graphic slaughter to rival certain chainsaw wielding maniacs.

This latest incarnation of Sweeney Todd drips Burton’s trademark gothic visual flair, delivering a ticket to a fantastic archetypal Victorian London where revenge is the order of the day and vengeance driven homicidal tendencies go hand in hand with cannibalistic appetites. It certainly isn’t a very happy tale; in fact this is possibly the nastiest and most head wracking work of musical desolation ever to offer it’s dark heart to public gaze. But if you’ve the stomach for powerhouse gut-churning horror mixed with darkly comic tragedy – this will ravish your senses to within an inch of their life.

Depp is just awesome in the title role, notching up another iconic character with ease. Seems Mr Depp can sing too which helps as virtually all of the dialogue is sung, so make sure you’re ready for ditties about selecting murder victims, heartbreaking pain and general unpleasantness in lieu of witty banter. Some quality brief light relief comes in the riotous form of Sacha ‘Borat’ Baron Cohen whose faux Italian barber ‘Pirelli’ sports a cockney accent that puts even Depp’s to shame and is a character worthy of having his own whole spin off film. Yes, pretty much everything on offer here is premium high-class entertainment even if it deals in thoroughly unpleasant subject matter – don’t let that stop you singing along!

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008 (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
- There will be blood, by the bucketfull!!

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- Killing in the name of... revenge, singing all the while.

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööö (7)
- Jayne Wisener (Johanna) is a hottie to watch, HBC still looks good too!

Mind Blight / Boredom: ö (1)
- None unless singing puts you to sleep.

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
- Black comedy with a sharp edge...

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
- An awesome cinematic experience!

Liable to make you:
“Not choose a wet shave at a barbers anytime soon"

DM Poster Quote:
“Don't miss this bloody brilliant tale, not by the hair on your chinny chin chin!?”


"stunning!!"

Darkmatters: H O M E