Darkmatters Review: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (12)

Director: Rob Marshall

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“I hear a rumour... Jack Sparrow is in London, hellbent to find the Fountain of Youth.”

That’s ‘Captain’ Jack Sparrow (or Johnny Depp) to you and the loveable rascal pirate lord is back for more high nefarious adventures. On Stranger Tides is the fourth of the series and sees Jack battling his way through many challenges including zombified enemies, beautiful but deadly mermaids and new master baddie ‘Blackbeard’ (Ian McShane).

Despite having a new director in Rob ‘Chicago’ Marshall, it’s basically swashbuckling business as usual – just not a quite as good as the last one… Some will certainly lament that the filmmakers have jettisoned several of the main characters from the first films of this big bucks series. Gone without a trace are Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) and Davy Jones (Bill Nighy), but along with Jack there are a couple of other returners such as Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and Gibbs (Kevin McNally).

New faces brought in include the feisty daughter of Blackbeard ‘Angelica’ (Penélope Cruz), sexy mermaid ‘Syrena’ (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) and devout man of God ‘Philip’ (Sam Claflin) but they don’t add a great deal to the overall excitement levels.

The fourth of Pirates of the Caribbean series aims to bring back the fun romp feel of the original ‘Curse of the Black Pearl’ but it is very hit and miss. Filmed in entirely unnecessary 3D, the 18th-century setting of On Stranger Tides feels creaky as the plot lumbers from one set piece to another with little thought as to how it all fits together. The Fountain of Youth element is mildly diverting and the special effects are still top notch but somehow the ‘magic’ has been lost at sea along the way.

I have enjoyed the Pirates films and spending cinematic time with Captain Jack is always worthwhile – but where Fast and Furious managed to bring something cool and new to the party with Fast 5, ‘One Stranger Tides’ seems to be desperately scratching around to try and extend the series. Perhaps it’s time to bid a permanent farewell to the Caribbean pirates before they burn through the good will of fans (although if this makes big money at box office they’ll almost certainly be some sort part 5 made).

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö

(3 - stranger but not better tides)...

Awesomeness ööö – Jack is great, the others? Not so much

Laughs öö – Not amusing enough
Horror öö – Nothing too grim

Babes öö – Cruz is no Knightley

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö – Pirates will do anything for money

"rent a babe Cruz?"

Film Review - Transporter 3

Transporter 3 (15)

Dir. Olivier Megaton

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Vroom vroom crash bang wallop… Frank ‘the transporter’ Martin (Jason Statham) is back in the third all driving, all fighting , all macho nonsense Transporter sequel, delivering crazy car chase action that makes the Top Gear chaps look like a bunch of Sunday drivers.
To date the Transporter movies have been slick, brainless, breathless action flicks – so can the momentum be maintained for another high octane trip or is the franchise finally running out of fuel?
Alas, the smooth - and I don’t just mean his bald head - Statham is hamstrung in this latest outing by the fact that we’ve just about everything on offer here before, and it was better last time... The set up is achingly familiar, dubious characters hire Frank to drive a package somewhere at high speed, there’s an obligatory hot female (Natalya Rudakova) along for the ride and a host of baddies who’ll try and stop him.
Unfortunately no amount of Audis jumping onto moving trains, mass brawl fist fights or proximity bombs attached to body organs can overcome the crunching law of diminishing returns which bites hard here. Transporter 3 somehow manages to be stupid in the extreme and yet still take itself far too seriously. Writer-producers Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen seem content to serve up mildly reheated plot leftovers that not even Statham’s patented Bruce-Willis-alike smirk can make watchable.
New director Olivier Megaton couldn’t be less aptly named as Transporter 3 barely raises the pulse rate and delivers nothing very explosive. Also new is rubbish baddie named Johnson (Knepper) – a strong last minute entrant to nab the ‘weakest villain of the year’ award from that unthreatening bloke from Quantum of Solace. The dastardly plot is something about blackmail grubbiness to do with environmental policies and shiploads of toxic rubbish, which serves as an unfortunate but workable analogy for the film as a whole. One old face is back on duty but with very little to do except spout obvious plot observations and indulge in an odd spot of fishing with his unlikely pal Frank is Detective Tarconi (François Berléand), he really shouldn’t have bothered.
If a Transporter 4 is even being considered, we can only hope that it’s some kind of cross over where Jason Bourne, James Bond, John McClane and Frank Martin are pitted in a fight to death to see who is the hardest action hero… I’d pay to see that.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööö (5)

+ Averagely engaging

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)

+ Needed more polish, and new stuff...

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)

+ Natalya Rudakova is a bit freckly for my liking!?

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)

+ No thinking required...

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)

+ Best line... "are you 'the gay'?"... very amusing.

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (5.5)

Fine but weakest of the series so far

Liable to make you:

"drive very fast on the way home"

DM Poster Quote:

"Choose life, choose Audi "

Film Review - Burn After Reading

Burn After Reading (15)

Dir. Joel and Ethan Coen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

This is a highly classified review. So secret and sensitive is the following material that I advise you to ‘Burn After Reading’ – which may be problematic is reading this online... The report on the Coen brothers' latest cinematic experience crucially indicates the potential full-scale incompetence of non other than the CIA.

The first subject under investigation is CIA analyst Osborne Cox (John Malkovich), who quits his job after being sidelined – once his drinking problem is mentioned. He’s come back to his superior is however is typical of Coen brother sublimeness: “You're a Mormon. Compared to you we all have a drinking problem.”

The second subject is gym worker Linda (Frances McDormand), a lovelorn single who dreams of elective surgery to give her a better chance of finding Mr Right. She and dim co-worker Chad (Brad Pitt), stumble upon Cox’s memoirs on a disc and hatch an ill-fated blackmail scam.

Also in this tangled web is womanising wide boy Harry (George Clooney), who carries a big gun, works for the Treasury Department and is having a sordid affair with Cox's wife Katie (Tilda Swinton).

Things get rapidly out of hand with multiple path crosses, double crosses and much profanity backed up by some genuinely hilarious screwball comedy. This isn’t anything like the awesome gritty thrills of the Coen’s No Country for Old Men, Burn After Reading this is much more like a mix between their genius Big Lebowski and much-maligned Ladykillers. The result is uneven and veers from laugh out loud moments to mild bewilderment but overall it’s a film worth seeing as long as you’re not adverse to sporadic acts of violence.

Everyone in Burn After Reading seems to be having a real hoot putting this together and the sense of madcap fun is infectious. You just can’t help but get caught up in the maverick glee streaming from the screen – never more so than when CIA superiors (David Rasche and J.K. Simmons) try to make sense of what is being reported back to them about the whole muddled affair.

Which is summed up:

“So what did we learn from this?”

“Um... I don't know.”

“Report back to me when it makes sense!”



DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
+ Muddled plot takes a bit of keeping up with

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
+ Some but only sparodic action

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
+ Nothing to get steamed up about here

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
+ Screwballs bouncing left and right, try to keep up!

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)
+ Some classic funnies in here and Pitt is hilarious

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööö (7)
Decent but not classic Coen comedy

Liable to make you:
"join a gym rather than the CIA"

DM Poster Quote:
“what just happened?"

End note:
Fans of Coen brothers comedies won’t have too long to wait for their next hit as A Serious Man, which will be a black comedy about a professor named Larry whose life unravels when his wife prepares to leave him.

Film Review - The House Bunny

The House Bunny (12a)

Dir. Fred Wolf

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Here’s the year’s contender for ‘most gratuitous but joyous overuse of hot pants in a movie.’ The House Bunny is pretty much a retread of many US college comedies from Animal House to Mean Girls – just with added scantily clad Playboy dumb-blondeness. It’s a one-joke flick that seems to give the message that in order to succeed in life as a woman, all you need to do is be sexy and show a lot of skin.
So we have hot Playboy playmate Shelley (Anna ‘all four Scary Movies’ Faris) whose ambition in life extends only to be a centrefold in the infamous magazine. But her kit off dream is rudely taken from her when after turning 27 (which they say is 59 in ‘Bunny Years’) she is forced to vacate Hef's sexpot mansion. Homeless and clueless in equal measure – Shelley is reluctantly taken in by a desperate bunch of nerdy college misfit females who face eviction from their sorority house for not being able to recruit enough ‘pledges’. Can the Bunnygirl sex up the minging weirdos of Zeta House who include the actually cute but made to look rough Natalie (Emma ‘Superbad’ Stone) and man hating Mona (Kat ‘Charlie Bartlett’ Dennings)? Also in the party of unfortunately socially challenged college girls are full body brace wearing Joanne (Rumer ‘daughter of Bruce’ Willis) and pregnant Harmony (American Idol contestant Katherine McPhee who gets to ruin the end credits with a rubbish song).

"which look do you prefer?"

Faris shows a genuine talent for good natured comedy, delivering semi risqué material with an innocent Goldie Hawn vibe backed up by a killer Farrah Fawcett like figure which gets shot from every conceivable angle in eye watering close up. Along the predictable path to saving the day, Shelley also has time to try and woo old folks home manager Oliver (Colin ‘yes my dad is Tom’ Hanks). Then of course in true Revenge of the Nerds style there is the nasty middle class rival house fronted by a preppie sweater-wearing bitch.
But is The House Bunny for you? That depends entirely on your tolerance for sweet-natured sexiness, women in skimpy outfits and dippy college comedy bonding, complete with pratfalls and the occasional actually rather wry observation. It’s mostly a stupid, vapid, sexist money-spinner but try as I might to find serious fault with this, I found it hard and came out smiling having been amused.

"the House Bunnies take to the street..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööö (5)
+ No braincells were hurt in the making of this movie

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
+ Not a great deal here

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööööö (9)
+ Wow, fit bunny fun ahoy...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
+ Blonde and dim but watchable

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
+ Should make you laugh out loud a couple of times

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
Far better than you might expect

Liable to make you:
"appreciate Playboy Bunnies as humans with feelings...

- just kidding LOL"

DM Poster Quote:
“vapid bunny hot pant frenzy"

Film Review: The Mummy - Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (12a)

Dir. Rob Cohen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

When there’s serious adventuring to be done everybody knows that there’s only man who fits the bill… a certain Mr Indiana Jones. But what if Indy is off tackling mysterious crystal skulls? Well, then you might consider Rick O'Connell (played by Brendan ‘The Mummy’ Fraser) and his wife Evelyn (Maria ‘Not in The Mummy’ Bello, who pretends she’s Rachel Weisz from the previous two Mummy films).
Yes hot on the dusty heels of Indy’s big screen return stumbles the third of The Mummy films which have tried hard up until now to be almost passable Indy substitutes. Alas
Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the worst Mummy by a mile, utterly devoid of merit and serving only to show that even when Indy is having a bit of an off day – he’s still head and shoulders better than this risible mind numbing ‘adventure’.
So this time the Mummy causing the trouble is an ancient Chinese emperor (played by an embarrassed looking Jet Li), seems he took over most of the civilised world back in his day and has now returned to grasp immortality and finish his plans for world domination.
Director Rob ‘Stealth’ Cohen is on a major losing streak at the moment, and given that his next film is entitled ‘King of the Nudies‘ I’m not holding out a great deal of hope for that to break his trend of virtually unforgivably bad movies. With nothing but a crack team of CGI artists to try and keep it afloat, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor blatantly ‘borrows’ elements from Jones’ adventures such as a Shanghai nightclub scene, the central character having to find the elixir of immortality after being mortally wounded and even an action theme that evokes bullwhips and wisecracks.
Sympathy has to go to John Hannah who is lumbered with some of the worst on screen dialogue ever (and who has to try and milk a laugh from being sicked on by a yak) – he must really need the money.
The Mummy franchise has effectively put a bullet in it’s own head with this effort, surely the only way a Mummy 4 could be made would be if the plot followed how the script writers, producers and director of this reeking disposable waste of time and money were to be walled alive in a tomb, only to be awoken in future times where they threaten to wreak more rubbish cinematic vengeance on the world…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öö (2)
- This is akin to microwaving your brain... it hurts and it's not fun!!

Tasty Action: ööö (3)
- Only the Yetis can look back on this with any satisfaction

Gratuitous Babeness: öööö (4)
- Bello is okay at best

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö (9)
- This should be renamed - 'The Mummy: Tomb of the Mummy Franchise'

Comedic Value: ööö (3)
- You'll be laughing at the movie, not with it...

Arbitrary final rating: öö (2)
Possibly the worst film of the Decade!?

Liable to make you:
"cry"

DM Poster Quote:
“Some things are better left dead"

The Dark Knight review 'heavy duty Batman joy'

The Dark Knight (12a)

Dir. Christopher Nolan

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


“Some men aren't looking for anything logical. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.” And the world of Batman burns in blazing style thanks to an incredible reimagining of The Joker in The Dark Knight. Director Christopher ‘The Prestige’ Nolan follows up 2005’s excellent Batman Begins with a powerhouse epic based on the iconic comic book hero’s greatest challenge.
The Dark Knight sees Batman having brought his own brand of extreme justice to the mean streets of Gotham, he’s tamed the mob and put real fear into the hearts of the underworld. But just as Harvey Dent the new crusading District Attorney (Aaron Eckhart) is appointed and looks to cement a crime free future, the criminal elements are about to be galvanised by a psychotic madman / criminal genius named The Joker (Heath Ledger).


"you will believe too..."

So the stakes are raised for Batman / Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) – how do you fight an enemy with an irrational lust for chaos? Welcome to a world without rules where the gloves are off and no one is safe. This is bleak, dark material, a million miles away from the camp knockabout of Joel Schumacher’s Batman and Robin, and so much the better for it. The Dark Knight is grim, violent and unsettling in places (certainly not a family movie) but equally wildly exciting and thought provoking too. Who’d have thought that a comic book tale could deliver potentially the best film of 2008? I have to note Ledger’s performance as The Joker as it is the stuff of legend, he even blows Jack Nicholson’s performance from Tim Burton’s Batman away and he will be very sadly missed.Are there any weaknesses in this fantastically assembled masterpiece? Well, if you want to be picky it is a bit long but that’s not really much of a grumble. My only real disappointment was that Maggie Gyllenhaal's Rachel 'didn’t quite work as well as Katie Holmes' (never thought I’d be writing that).
Her only memorable moment comes when she lands a kick in the Joker’s privates – he quips:
“A little fight in ya. I like that!”
But is immediately upstaged by Batman who appears and adds:
"Then you're going to love me…”
delivered whilst punching him full in the face!?



DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööööö (9)
+ The Dark Knight delivers...

Tasty Action: ööööööööö (9)
+ Batman has never rocked so hard

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
+ Gyllenhaal is cute but not stunning

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
+ Not much padding but could have been a bit sharper

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ Some nice dark humour

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööööö (10)
Kapow… this is an altogether awesome film, see it as soon as you can (and it looks absolutely stunning in IMAX too).

Liable to make you:
"fall for the big black bat"

DM Poster Quote:
“cross the line..."

WALL -E review 'space the final funtier'

WALL·E (U)

Dir. Andrew Stanton

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Buckle up for an adventure beyond the ordinar-E… Pixar have done it again – creating yet another marvellous digital piece of entertainment that packs a real sucker punch message about what we’re doing to the planet.
Star of the show is WALL – E, a cute cleaner / recycler-bot who has spent 700 years trying his best to clean up planet earth which we have utterly devastated through big brand consumerism and our fully disposable culture. All the humans have jumped ship into space on a luxury star cruise liner where their every need is taken care of – even to the point that no-one even needs to leave their floating chairs. Back home, WALL – E has gotten a little eccentric after his years of solitude, his only pal is a cockroach and he spends his evening watching an ancient video of ‘Hello Dolly’ - so its not a total surprise that he’s a few bolts short of his set. One day his world is literally shattered when sleek sexy ipod-alike super robot named EVE arrives on a secret mission, WALL – E is totally smitten and believes that the companion of his dreams has been delivered. But the course of true robot love doesn’t run smooth and there’s real fun to be had on this interplanetary tale that might just see our robotic heroes saving the world en route to a happy ever after.
Andrew ‘Finding Nemo’ Stanton writes and directs with eye popping visual flair and delivers a plot that beats with an authentic human heart underneath the shiny metal surface. There are quality film references and thought-provoking elements which set this apart from most kiddie focused animated flicks. In fact I’d call WALL – E a modern day classic; a faintly disturbing future vision / morality tale dressed up in super fusion CGI eye candy.
Pixar’s reputation for quality is well earned and I can see WALL – E finding a place in many people’s hearts as a new icon of great cinema. Striking just the right balance between indulgent technological marvels and gripping entertainment, I witnessed this with my two sons (11 and 8) who both thoroughly enjoyed it too. WALL – E will take you to the final ‘fun’tier…
It seems that after 700 years of doing what he was built for – WALL -E's finally discovered what he's meant for – and that is to entertain the entire family not just this summer but for years to come.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööööö (9)
+ Fun and frothybut not substantial

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ Pixar deliver the goods at several points

Gratuitous Babeness: öööö (4)
+ Depends largely on how you feel about Apple equipment...

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööööö (8)
+ Jaw dropping animated joy will keep you hooked

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ Not a laugh riot but some real fun to be had

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
Really quite wondeful stuff - worth seeing twice at least!

Liable to make you:
"stroke your ipod"

DM Poster Quote:
“a hero will be found... among the ruins of our planet"

Additional Info…

Best line:

Captain (Jeff Garlin): “This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all sorts of things! Vegetable plants, pizza plants... it's good to be home!”

If you like WALL – E you’ll probably also like: Short Circuit, Star Wars, Finding Nemo…

You might like to know: WALL – E stands for ‘Waste Allocation Load Lifter-Earth-class’

And look out for: the sound WALL-E makes when he is fully charged by the sun is the same "boot up" sound that most of Apple's Macintosh computers have made since circa 1996.

Mamma Mia! - the 'take a chance on me' review

Mamma Mia! (PG)

Dir. Phyllida Lloyd

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Isn’t that just typical, you’re a young bride-to-be trying to find your real father and suddenly through the ‘magic’ of Abba three show up at once… This is the premise for Mamma Mia! the big screen version of the hit musical stage show from top British theatre director, Phyllida Lloyd.

You see twenty years ago, Meryl Streep’s Donna went for a spot of sun, sea and romance on a Greek island, but after a knock back from her chosen man (Pierce Brosnan’s Sam) she got busy with two other fellas – Harry (Colin Firth) and Bill (Stellan Skarsgard). Now the chickens have come home to roost because even though nobody knows for sure which is the resulting child Sophie’s (Amanda Seyfried) real dad – thanks to a quick peruse of her mum's diary - she manages to invite all three potential fathers to her wedding… But to quote the classic line from Highlander – "there can be only one"… and so the stage is set for a sing-along romantic comedy that plays the stage show against a lush Mediterranean picture postcard backdrop.

How you feel about Mamma Mia will depend on your love for Abba, this isn’t your average musical with a ‘burst into song’ moment at strategic intervals, this is a full on disco karaoke overdose of 70’s pop, dance routines and slapstick episodes often featuring Julie Walters falling over.

Some people will love the resulting over the top camp overdose, which drips Greek cheese from every orifice; others are likely to run screaming in panic from the cinema. It’s certainly an experience and although not strictly my ‘cup of tea’ I must confess that the movie has energy and is a lot more fun than Sex In The City. Colin Firth manages to stake his Alpha Male claim as the suitors playfully tussle for the heart of Donna – the ex Mr Darcy even stealing some of the scenes at the end.
Meryl Streep does an amazing job as the reformed wild child, rediscovering her relationship with Sam and getting to know her daughter again in the way that can only happen on screen.

As they say "The Winner Takes It All" and the winner here is undoubtedly the film studio, laughing all the way to the bank as the wider audience the cinema gives the show brings in the “Money Money Money”.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööö (5)
+ Fun and frothybut not substantial

Tasty Action: ööööö (5)
+ Camp dance moves ahoy!

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)
+ Amanda Seyfried you would, Meryl Streep maybe not so much...

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööööö (8)
- This will drag like a broken leg if you don't like ABBA

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ Yep watching people fall over is funny - music or not...

Arbitrary final rating: ööööö (5)
If you liked the stage show add two more stars.

Liable to make you:
"into a dancing queen..."

DM Poster Quote:
“You have been warned!"

Much Ado About Lauren - the 'summer comedy smash hit from Luton' review

Much Ado About Lauren (12a)

Dir. Dave Jenkins

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

It’s a timeless tale – boy next door meets and falls for pretty girl, pretty girl likes sporty floppy haired hunk better, but enough about my younger life – this is also the plot for Luton’s first blockbuster big screen epic… Okay so the plot isn’t a million miles away from a million other movies but Much Ado About Lauren, isn’t like those other movies. This Bedfordshire odyssey hails from the unique brand of filmmaking that can be readily identified as a ‘Wade Bros production’ – yes they of the weird and wonderful short You Tube hit film franchise The Woods. Here thanks to a witty script (by Dave ‘yeah I also directed this’ Jenkins), spirited performances from a talented young cast and a massive dose of feel good magic, Much Ado About Lauren comes out swinging as this year’s surprise summer teen comedy hit.

At the sold out Cineworld charity premiere this week Much Ado About Lauren punched way above its zero budget in terms of entertainment, delivering some classic scenes of mirth infused with real teen pathos as it charted the story of love’s often rocky path through a modern high school. Shot on location in and around Luton the film stars the widely tipped future Hollywood leading man Simon Wade (think Daniel Day Lewis but blonder and younger) as the unlucky in love Greg. But just as school playwright Greg finds shapely new girl Lauren (Abi-Louise Murray) to be the answer to his youthful fantasies, she only has eyes for the meat-headed school rugby captain.

What’s a young chap to do? Especially when he has a cute but completely demented stalker fan (pure over the top comic class from Sophia Guinchard) tracking his every move… Add to the mix a show stealing turn by elder sibling Tom Wade as his on screen slacker brother ‘Lenny’ – deserving of his own spin off road trip movie surely and even older Wade brother Paul as a compromised drama teacher, stir in some goofy friends and splice with heart warming antics… Before you can say the words ‘cult comedy classic’ you’ll be laughing, crying and singing along to the catchy soundtrack – probably all at the same time. The cast all give 110%, the cinematography is crisp and the special effects budget well used (there wasn’t one)…

All in all Much Ado About Lauren is a roaring success that bodes very well for future flicks from Jenkins and / The Wade Bros. Luton can stand up and be proud of this fine slice of school yard heartbreak comedy – the world should take note!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
+ Quality writing and production all round

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ Eye watering set pieces are great!

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
+ Special mention to Gillian Van Der Merwe whose ‘babeblicious’ cameo is awesome

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööö (3)
- Zips along without a dull moment

Comedic Value: öööööööööö (9)
+ Side splittingly funny in places

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
Respect is due to the Wade Bros!!

Liable to make you:
"Wish you back in high school"

DM Poster Quote:
“Nothing can prepare you for the ultimate adventure... love"

Adulthood - the 'Hoodies strike back' review

Adulthood (15)

Dir. Noel Clarke

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


As Carter USM once sang: “The kids playing gangster wars, they don’t believe in Santa Claus, the baseball bats are soft of course, the blood is just tomato sauce…”

Would have been a decent track to include on the soundtrack to this hip and street sequel which plays like a ‘Episode III: The Revenge of the Kids’ to the original ‘Episode I : The Hoodie Menace’ (Kidulthood – DM review here: Hoodies ate my childhood ).

So six years have past since bad boy Sam (Noel Clarke) killed a young kid and we get to join him as he gets released from jail after doing his hard time. The film tracks him over his first day of freedom but all is not well in the hood and it’s going to be a miracle if he survives even 24hrs thanks to the revenge plans of the kids on the streets.

Director and star Clarke manages to effectively keep the feel of the first film but also to inject a deeper harshness which works in delivering the message that the world isn’t a nice place for you whether you’re a kid or an adult… or somewhere in between… Sam has undergone a kind of metamorphosis in jail, he’s still a bit of a wrong un but now he’s the closest thing we’ve got to a hero as the lovable scallywags whose mate he killed have degenerated into criminal scum partly due to losing their pal. Adam Deacon should get special mention because his character Jay, often the comic relief of both films, manages to bring real presence this time as he fights to make sense of his feelings.

The cast are mostly strong overall – as in decent for ex-EastEnders at least - even Danny ‘did you call me a ****’ Dyer chips in with his patented hard lad cameo. Those looking for a contemporary Brit thriller should find what they’re after, youth and social workers looking for case studies and learning reference points might be less delighted as this is fiction ripped from the Daily Mail view of lower classes ‘street life’ but it probably does reflect the lives of some. Sure Adulthood has a maturity missing from the original and explores the hard to vocalise feelings of young adults who just don’t feel ready for their role… Have they ‘grown up’ or are they still kids just reacting to their circumstances? The original was described as ‘a brutal assessment of inner city impoverished teens’ – whereas Adulthood is basically ‘hoodie porn’ for middle class viewers at heart.


DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (8)
+ Pick this to immerse yourself in an amoral world where the normal rules of society don't apply

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ There’s hoodie fuelled panic on the streets of London

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (7)
+ Scarlett Alice Johnson is hot but I missed Jamie Winston

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööö (4)
+ might be too ‘yoof’ for some…

Comedic Value: öööööö (5)
+ Couple of amusing scenes but mostly grim

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
A tasty follow up which makes for a superb double bill!

Liable to make you:
"carry a baseball bat with you at all times"

DM Poster Quote:
“violence really isn’t big or clever – it just looks big and clever here"

Sex and the City - the 'please God make it stop' review

Sex and the City (15)

Dir. Michael Patrick King

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


Females of a certain age rejoice… Sex and the City has hit the big screen and it has brought enough shoes, couture outfits and relationship problems to last you a lifetime… In the oestrogen drenched Luton Cineworld, there was a tangible sense of anticipation; either that or it was the chemical reaction of hundreds of different perfumes intermingling.
My friend Tom and I sheepishly made our way to the front of the packed screening trying to nonchalantly ignore the cat-calls and wolf whistles from the gathered females.
Two and half hours later (which felt like at least five) we stumbled for the exit having had the masculinity drained from us, our minds turned to pulp and our wills to live crushed.
Sex and the City has a massive following, is loved by many and watched by millions on TV – providing a regular dose of posh frocks, expensive shoes and ‘look we can still act like teenagers even though we’re middle aged’ girl power. And on TV it kind of worked, but unfortunately as a movie it just doesn’t have the legs to stand up against smarter, funnier and better written alternatives. Sex and the City is a bloated, extravagant overload of excess – with a bum numbing running time padded out by coma inducing simplistic plotting and generally less than agreeable characters.
Picking up about four years after the show's series finale, here we have spoilt writer Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) looking to possibly tie the knot with ‘Big’ (Chris Noth), whilst her girl pals such as the aging nympho Samantha (Kim Cattrall) fret that she’s losing her independence. Then there’s Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) who each get a pet issue to neatly overcome in the extended running time. Apparently they all "still feel like single girls" whether attached or not and there’s a well framed utterly over the top montage of dresses / shoes / Louis Vuitton handbags every ten minutes or so to keep the product placement team happy.
Basically your enjoyment of Sex and the City will depend on whether you’re a fan of the show – if so then you’ll probably go home satisfied, if not then you’ll vow to avoid any re-runs on TV as it might engender flashbacks of the time you wasted watching this movie. I actually found myself loving the bit where Carries goes on a terrifying gun rampage through NYC, only wake up and find that I’d imagined it and there was still over an hour of her whining on about the size of her closet to endure… Be afraid.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö (3)
- I saw Tom punching himself in the face to stay awake...

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- one okay sex scene doesn't make up for a plot which induces deep vein thrombosis of the brain

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
+ Not really into 'older women' but they look good (for their age)

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (7)
- If you don't like shoes to the point of fetish, you really might want to give this a miss

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ 'it' girl pooing her pants might put a smile on your face

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- only see this if you loved the TV Series

Liable to make you:
"vomit on your fake Louis Vuitton"

DM Poster Quote:
“no real emotions were hurt in the making of this movie"

Charlie Bartlett - the 'Kat Dennings is lovely' review

Charlie Bartlett (15)

Dir. Jon Poll

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

The rapturous crowd are calling for me, I step into the spotlight and the anticipation is palpable. An expectant hush falls so I deliver my maxim: ‘Hi, my name is Charlie Bartlett and if there's one thing I want you to remember tonight, it's that you are not alone.’
Charlie Bartlett (Anton ‘this kid is going to be a major star’ Yelchin) might only be 17 but he’s wise beyond his years in such a cool way that can only really happen in movies (see Rushmore or Heathers for more proof of this).
So rich kid Charlie has been expelled from every private school in the State – not through failing grades but due to his somewhat ‘less than legal’ side ventures such as manufacturing and selling quality fake Ids for his fellow students. Now he faces a tougher challenge in having to fit in with the distinctly less privileged kids of Western Summit High – a lesson that hits home hard on his first day as he is happy slapped and dunked in the toilet by school bully Murphey (Tyler Hilton).
But Charlie is a resourceful chap and before you can say ‘useful plot device’ he has not just won over Murphey (by cutting him in on his selling prescription drugs to classmates racket) but also captured the heart of the Principal’s daughter (the awesome and rather lovely Kat Dennings). What follows is a riot of superb teen antics, laced with real emotion and held together with an irrepressibly fun script. Robert ‘Iron Man’ Downey Jr. is excellent as Charlie’s nemesis Principal Gardner and although ‘High School angst’ is a well-trodden cinematic path, Charlie Bartlett manages to be hip, savvy and altogether better than you might expect.
Director Jon Poll shows that he’s at home directing (after earning his shot by editing films such as Meet the Parents and Austin Powers). But with his straight talking / from the heart student consultation service (backed up by the prescription drug dealing) Yelchin makes Bartlett into a cinematic icon who can stand with pride alongside the likes of Juno from earlier this year. The future is bright for this young leading man – with parts in Star Trek and Terminator 4 lined up, I’d even be up to see some more Charlie Bartlett action if as Murphey tells one of the kids he’s filmed himself beating up ‘I'll see you in the sequel!’


"cute couple"

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
+ Heartfelt teen musings

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
+ Some cool scenes but its more drama than crunching fight movie

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)+ Kat Dennings is very very delicious!!

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Some people haven’t taken Charlie to heart

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)+ Very funny in places!!

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
+ Essential viewing for anyone who is / was a teen!
Liable to make you:
"hug a hoodie – well if it’s Kat Dennings at least! (see below)"
DM Poster Quote:
“People like you are the reason people like me need medication…"

"Kat Dennings -gorgeous and talented!"

Pathology - the 'diagnosis rubbish' review

Pathology (18)

Dir. Marc Schoelermann

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

I’ve heard it said that Pathology is actually a ‘window to God’. Pathologists get to witness things that most of us will never see – the perversion and corruption of the flesh by all means unnatural...by violence...by toxin...by madness... and their job is to determine the cause of death.
Pathology the movie is an attempt to explore the dark underbelly of the profession, asking the question ‘what if these doctors turned homicidal and started killing people for kicks?’ Sounds like an interesting idea for a film yeah? Well here’s a transcript I found stuffed down the back of one of the seats at Cineworld Luton… it seems to reveal how the movie came about…

Hotshot writing duo: Pathology – it’s about this group of doctors who form a dangerous clique where they take in turns to kill people and the rest have to work out how they did it… The audience get to watch in gruesome details as the bodies are cut up, we’re talking lots of blood and internal organ close ups!!

Studio film funding Exec: Cool, like a chainsaw to the head?

Hotshot writing duo: No, much more sneaky, we envisage chemicals and devious stuff like that…

Studio film funding Exec: Hhmmm, sounds a bit like an episode of Casualty… What’s the selling point?

Hotshot writing duo: What about if the doctors are kinky and two of them are hot women who maybe get off with each other?

Studio film funding Exec: I’m interested…

Hotshot writing duo: And we can make one of then get naked a lot and even have it off in front of a dead body… Oh and how about making her have a passion for sticking needles in her lovers?

Studio film funding Exec: Urggh that’s gross… I‘m sold – kinky deviant doctors, bloody dissection and stomach turning close ups of internal organs, this is going to be great! Who’s the hero?

Hotshot writing duo: Milo Ventimiglia… that guy from Heroes

Studio film funding Exec: YES! He’s credible… will he do it?

Agent for Milo ‘ Heroes’ Ventimiglia: I can confirm that my client has no problem with the masses of perverse behaviour, including violence, gruesome images, strong sexual content, nudity, drug use and bad language that make up this movie.

Hotshot writing duo: Oh, just one more thing, it's all a bit rubbish.

Studio film funding Exec: Who cares, we’ll just make a cool poster… Kerching!! Bring it!

Hotshot writing duo: Remember: no ‘body’ is safe… lol… we’re off to quickly bank that cheque before everybody sees how bad this is!


"if you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö (3)
- limited enjoyment and nothing to get the heart racing

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- not very tasty, more 'distasteful'

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Lauren Lee Smith is often unclad... men everywhere are grateful

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (8)
- slow and drooping pacing doesn't help

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- nothing very funny here

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- Interesting idea, shame about the actual film!

Liable to make you:
"not be able to look your doctor in the eye"

DM Poster Quote:
“It's what on the inside that counts..."


"see this scalpel, have a guess where I'm going to stick it!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

5ive Girls - the 'devil made me do it' review

5ive Girls (15)

Dir. Warren P. Sonoda

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“5 girls vs. 2000 demons. You do the math…” says the tag line for this sensational, hard hitting investigative piece of cinematic – - - erm, nonsense.
So by ‘doing the maths’ I was ready to see each of the five troublesome teens take on 400 demons each in single combat – but it seems it’s not quite as simple as that…

5ive Girls stars the dependable Ron ‘Hell Boy’ Perlman as Father Drake, who runs St Mark’s ‘staunchly over the top Catholic school for naughty girls’ along with hot but ever-so-strict Headmistress Miss Pearce (Amy Lalonde) – she wields a mean long ruler…

The five girls themselves are – in order of tastiness - Alex (Jennifer Miller), Connie (Tasha May), Cecilia (Terra Vnesa), Mara (Jordan Madley) and Leah (Barbara Mamabolo) are each upcoming actresses and acquit themselves well. Plus an honourable mention should go to Krysta Carter who plays Elizabeth, a girl who is taken by the demon baddie right at the start of the flick – which kind of forms a large part of the plot later too.

Basically it’s all a big rip off of other teens with powers movies like The Craft except that this one doesn’t take itself too seriously and ends up being much cooler and more fun than many of its bigger budget predecessors.

The 2000 demons of the tag line are handily rolled into one i.e. Legion – yep, the one who Jesus cast out into a herd of swine in the Gospel of Matthew (and who popped up again in Exorcist III) seems he’s still getting film work at least. As a Christian I am always interested to see how the forces of good and evil are depicted on screen, especially when their biblical characters (however minor) like Legion.

Writer director Warren P. Sonoda has lots of fun with his exploitative set up… Virgin Catholic schoolgirls fighting evil – each blessed with a special power (kind of a supernatural spin on X Men). What’s not to love?

5ive Girls is totally trashy horror that presses enough right buttons to make it worth a look if you like the idea of watching chicks battling a serious evil demonic force that posses all… Probably not one to watch with your mum!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
- Much better than expected, cracks along a pace

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- All bets are off as to who will survive this shocker

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Five for the price of one… actually there are at least 7 attractive females here

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- The low budget shows but doesn’t completely gimp the film thanks to smart scripting

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Sporadically funny moments

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- A decent effort by a director who might be worth tracking

Liable to make you:
"Say your prayers before going near any schools"

DM Poster Quote:
“5ive Girls want to play with you, especially your head!"


"see, I wasn't kidding about the Headmistress and her ruler of punishment"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Jumper - review

"see the movie - travel the world from the cinema!"

Jumper (12a)

Dir. Doug Liman

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Go anywhere, do anything – there really are no limits…
Welcome to a reality where in addition to us normal types, there are also folks who can ‘jump’ and I don’t mean as in ‘hop, skip and…’, I mean teleport across any distance in an instant. For these lucky few - no traffic jams, no airport check ins or even queuing in line to pay for goods, the only downside is that they are remorselessly hunted by a fanatical group sworn to wipe their kind from the face of the earth.
Director Doug ‘Bourne Identity’ Liman has made his ‘jump’ to sci-fi after delivering the achingly cool ‘Go’, the laugh out loud ‘Swingers’ and the action packed ‘Mr. and Mrs Smith’. Jumper sees hero David Rice (Hayden Christensen who’ll be back on screen soon in another sci-fi blast – Neuromancer) discovering he has the ability to teleport to any place that he can visualise. Obviously the first thing he does is to pop into his local bank and make a sizable withdrawal from their locked vault. However his new highflying, or should I say jumping, lifestyle is jeopardised when he’s visited by a Paladin named Roland (Samuel L. Jackson on auto ‘bad-guy’ pilot mode) who wants him dead. From then on Rice has little choice but to team up with a fellow Jumper named Griffin (Jamie Bell) who was orphaned by the Paladins and has spent his life fighting back on behalf of Jumpers.
Also on hand is a rather delicious love interest Millie (Rachel ‘The O.C.’ Bilson) who has a knack of getting herself captured or generally imperilled at the most unhelpful times. So cue much jumping, fighting and pondering the metaphysical unlikelihood of all this dimensional shifting (the plot is based on the Steven Gould novel). There are some superb location shots ranging from The Sphinx, The Eiffel Tower, Griffin’s dessert based hideaway etc – pick of the bunch being an impromptu fight in the Coliseum in Rome.
Jumper slaps a lot of very cool elements together including some top notch special ‘jumping’ effects from the people behind The Matrix but ultimately it doesn’t quite deliver on the sum of its parts. For me Jumper needed a bit more bite and seemed overly restrained by the twelve certificate. It’s possible a lot of ten year olds are going to love this and marvel at how a jumper who could go anywhere chooses to chill with his Playstation 3 when not fighting Paladins but I’m filing this as ‘okay’ rather than great.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
- Mind bending concept and some fun to be had.

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
- There's action but it's rarely 'tasty'...

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööööö (9)
- Rachel Bilson is a hottie!

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööö (4)
- A little but it all tends to crack along at a fair pace

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Some scenes will have you laughing

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- Good rather than great but worth watching none-the-less

Liable to make you:
"Wanna be able to 'jump', realise you can't, so instead reach for the travel brochure"

DM Poster Quote (just because I've been playing SingStar with my kids?):
“I get up, and nothing gets me down. You got it tough but I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real...
Oh can't you see me standing here, I've got my back against the record machine.
I aint the worst that youve seen. Oh cant you see what I mean ?
Might as well jump.
Might as well jump!”


"this isn't a shot from the film but it certainly shows off miss Bilson very nicely!"

Matt Adcock Meets Rachel Bilson - read it here

Darkmatters: H O M E

Aliens vs Predator Requiem - review

"take one iconic space monster"
"add another 'almost as iconic' space monster"

- light the fuse for an all time classic!

Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem (15)

Dir. The Brothers Strause (Greg and Colin)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Remember - in space, no one can hear you scream.

On Earth, everyone will hear you – it’s just a shame that you’ll probably be screaming ‘I want my money back!!’…

Learning nothing it seems from the minor hit Alien vs. Predator from 2004, except that there is an audience of people who will still pay to see these two iconic creatures – the money men at Twentieth Century Fox have given us Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem (AVP-R).

As big fan of both series of films (I liked the first AVP film) I was stoked at the thought that this just night be the ultimate stand-off between the classic shiny headed, chest bursting, jaw extending xenomorphs and the dreadlocked space hunters with a nifty line in infra-red vision and shoulder mounted laser cannons. Directed by ‘lifelong fans of both franchises’, Greg and Colin Strause, who were eager to recreate the magic of the terrifying space saga and pay homage to the hallmarks that made the originals so memorable.

Set in a modern day small U.S. town, a predator training ship carrying the hybrid ‘predalien’, hinted at in the last AVP film, crash lands leading to a very bad time for the population and an ensuing massive alien infection. A sole predator ‘cleaner’ is dispatched from the predator homeworld – he’s a badass alien exterminator tasked with saving the day before the situation gets out of hand. What’s not to love?

Um, how about just about everything?

AVP-R is a cheap looking, slap in the face of all the Alien or Predator films that have gone before. Gone is anything classy, or any scenes that will make you drop your popcorn and applaud, in fact anything much worthy of praise or merit - apart from some occasionally decent special effects. Instead we get a derisive, predictable and painfully muddled plotline, weak and entirely disposable characters – you know you’re in trouble when the most likeable is the dim blonde love interest Jesse (Kristen Hager).

"Miss Hager shows off her acting skills"  

Then there’s the supposedly heroic Dallas (yes the namesake of the Captain in the original Alien) played by Steven Pasquale – not sure if he’s any relation to Joe - an ‘off the shelf’ bad boy who specialises in shouting out a running commentary on what’s happening right in front of him like: “People are dying... we need guns!”

So how can you enjoy the slack jawed and ‘trying a bit too hard to be nasty’ thrills on offer in AVP-R? I’d advise unplugging your brain and leaving behind any love you have for the Alien or Predator films thus far - approach AVP-R with very limited expectations and they might just be met.

Having said that if seeing a ward of pregnant women being overrun by aliens, a young boy having his stomach burst our after seeing his father die the same way and actually finding yourself starting to feel sorry for the Predator that seems to have to wander around aimlessly for quite a lot of the screen time appeals to you… Step this way!

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008 (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö (9)
- Chronic and dangerous levels, approach with caution

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Laughable more like!

Endorphin Stimulation: ö (1)- flatline excitement levels...

Tasty Action: öö (2)
- couple of almost interesting fights, but most of the 'action' is badly directed and lacks punch

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- The brothers Strause should be impregnated with alien spawn...

Liable to make you:
“weep for how bigger missed opportunity this was... and how crap it is!"

DM Poster Quote:
“They really should have stayed in space ”

P.S. I Love You - review

"Look out - he's behind you!!"

P.S. I Love You (12a)

Dir. Richard LaGravenese

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Prepare yourself – this just might be the most horrific cinematic experience you have in 2008. Imagine a sick film where a grieving widow is maliciously stalked by a maniac who sends her sinister letters supposedly signed by her dead husband… Actually that’s not true, change the stalking maniac to the woman’s utterly obsessed husband who is actually tricking her into thinking that he’s dead – all the while laughing at her from beyond the grave… ingeniously messed up huh?
Oh it’s no use, there’s no way I can try and make P.S. I Love You sound any better than it is and that’s the very worst kind of soppy, schmaltzy supposedly romantic comedy, utterly bereft of either romance, or comedy.

Hilary ‘Million Dollar Baby’ Swank, might be a great actress but she’s neither cute nor funny enough to salvage this turgid festering cesspool of irritating boredom. And in this sorry and mildly unsettling tale of how her hunky Irish husband (Gerald ‘300’ Butler) dies young but finds the time to somehow write lots of letters, arrange holidays and other ‘surprises’ to lavish on her after he’s popped his clogs.

If that whole concept doesn’t weird you out then there’s still no reason I can give you to go and see this. Holly (Swank) is one of the most annoying main characters ever committed to film but even she is endearing when compared to her overgrown leprechaun of a husband who needs to tried for crimes against the Irish accent. Butler was outstanding as King Leonidas in 300 last year but here he stinks up the screen to the point that I was delighted when he was killed off prematurely. Alas he’s a hard man to keep down and he pops up again at regular intervals either as a ghost or in vapid flashbacks. Then there’s Lisa Kudrow (still playing Phoebe from Friends) and Harry Connick, Jr who provide some light relief only by not being quite as bad as the two leads,

The only moment of pleasure I had during the whole film was when I turned to see if my mate Tom and his girlfriend were enjoying it as little as I was and found that Tom was actually poking himself in the eye in order to try and stay awake!

P.S. Don’t rob yourself of two hours that you’ll never get back. – go and see something else!!

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008
(all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö
- you might enjoy taking the piss out of it

Tasty Action: ö
- none, unless you count Swank falling off a stage

Gratuitous Babeness: öö
- Swank in a bra really isn't very sexy

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö
- eye poking recommended

Comedic Value: öö
- very limited mirth

Arbitrary final rating: ö
- P.S. I really don't like you!!


Liable to make you: “Puke sentimental chunks of soppiness”

DM Poster Quote: “Death was too good for him, and her too actually…”



"Irish eyes might be smiling - but that's the only thing in this film!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Matt’s Top 10 Films of 2007

Matt’s Top 10 Films of 2007

This has been the year of the ‘Threequel’ – with Spiderman 3, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End and Shrek the Third to name just some of those carrying high anticipation burdens… Many people didn’t like any of those threesomes, I kinda did but none of them make my top ten – because thankfully there were lots of better movies released, here are the ones that did it most for me…



1. Hot Fuzz

Every minute of every day – a crime is being committed somewhere. I can feel it; I can sense the scum on our streets. For too long people have cried ‘where are the police when we need them?' But in this feral world, one man can make a difference – that man is Nicholas Angel (Simon ‘Spaced’ Pegg). Arriving in the impressive shockwave of his top Brit horror comedy Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz ups the ante, boosts the budget and delivers quality laughs, action and violence way beyond the call of duty.

Can’t wait for Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life which is rumoured to be about how hero Scott Pilgrim must defeat his new girlfriend's seven evil ex-boyfriends in battle… ETA 2009.


2. 300

I am a Spartan, descended from Hercules himself. Taught never to surrender and that death on the battlefield is the greatest glory in life (although film reviewing is obviously a close second)… If honour, excitement and entertainment beyond the thresholds of normal cinema is what you seek, there is nothing that can touch this bloody epic graphic novel come to life.


3. Sunshine

For years now we have stumbled in the darkness of a drought, an abyss, a cold hard vacuum of quality space based science fiction (apart from Serenity obviously).But Danny Boyle brought us a burning beautiful ball of light that promised much and delivered on all counts.


4. Transformers

Michael ‘Bad Boys’ Bay pulls out all the stops to bring the much-loved robotic action figures to living, breathing, butt-kicking glory and he does it with unrestrained aplomb. Remember, the freedom to enjoy lowbrow action packed nonsense like this is the right of all sentient beings...


5. The Darjeeling Limited

As is the case with most of director Wes Anderson’s films, The Darjeeling Limited is a window into a poignant, mesmerising and heart warming reality where the journey matters more than the destination.



6. This is England

Powerfull warpgate back to a time, not so long ago when Britain was at war, society was barely holding together in the face of suspicion and intolerance and violent gangs roamed the streets. Young Thomas Turgoose is a revelation.


7. Stardust

Wielding a heavyweight epic punch – boosted by literal ‘star power’ this is the most deliciously over the top and enjoyable fantasy film since The Princess Bride. Stardust does everything right and De Niro delivers the wonderful scene stealing Captain Shakespeare.


8. Atonement

Keira Knightley gives her best performance to date as the stunning Cecilla, whose breathtaking emergence from a fountain at one point is quite possibly the scene of the year for males the world over… McAvoy is excellent too


9. The Lives of Others

Scary Stasi story from the grey-bleak East Germany of the 80s. Ulrich Mühe is excellent as a GDR agent named Wiesler – somehow director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (great name) makes watching a guy wearing headphones compelling!


10. The Lookout

A must see for anyone who liked Memento or Brick, understated and cool, this is a slice of pure indie feel heist thriller and a very promising debut from director Scott Frank.

- - - - - - -

The near misses – this is something that I started last year and is a shameless way of getting to namecheck films without having to assign them a chart postion.

So, these are very cool films that almost made the top ten: 28 Weeks Later, The Bourne Ultimatum, Planet Terror, Superbad, Inland Empire, Zodiac, The Last King of Scotland and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Click here for the previous year's top 10's:

Matt's Top 10 Films 2006

Matt's Top 10 Films 2005

Matt's Top 10 Films 2004


Darkmatters: H O M E