Sex and the City - the 'please God make it stop' review

Sex and the City (15)

Dir. Michael Patrick King

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


Females of a certain age rejoice… Sex and the City has hit the big screen and it has brought enough shoes, couture outfits and relationship problems to last you a lifetime… In the oestrogen drenched Luton Cineworld, there was a tangible sense of anticipation; either that or it was the chemical reaction of hundreds of different perfumes intermingling.
My friend Tom and I sheepishly made our way to the front of the packed screening trying to nonchalantly ignore the cat-calls and wolf whistles from the gathered females.
Two and half hours later (which felt like at least five) we stumbled for the exit having had the masculinity drained from us, our minds turned to pulp and our wills to live crushed.
Sex and the City has a massive following, is loved by many and watched by millions on TV – providing a regular dose of posh frocks, expensive shoes and ‘look we can still act like teenagers even though we’re middle aged’ girl power. And on TV it kind of worked, but unfortunately as a movie it just doesn’t have the legs to stand up against smarter, funnier and better written alternatives. Sex and the City is a bloated, extravagant overload of excess – with a bum numbing running time padded out by coma inducing simplistic plotting and generally less than agreeable characters.
Picking up about four years after the show's series finale, here we have spoilt writer Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) looking to possibly tie the knot with ‘Big’ (Chris Noth), whilst her girl pals such as the aging nympho Samantha (Kim Cattrall) fret that she’s losing her independence. Then there’s Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) who each get a pet issue to neatly overcome in the extended running time. Apparently they all "still feel like single girls" whether attached or not and there’s a well framed utterly over the top montage of dresses / shoes / Louis Vuitton handbags every ten minutes or so to keep the product placement team happy.
Basically your enjoyment of Sex and the City will depend on whether you’re a fan of the show – if so then you’ll probably go home satisfied, if not then you’ll vow to avoid any re-runs on TV as it might engender flashbacks of the time you wasted watching this movie. I actually found myself loving the bit where Carries goes on a terrifying gun rampage through NYC, only wake up and find that I’d imagined it and there was still over an hour of her whining on about the size of her closet to endure… Be afraid.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö (3)
- I saw Tom punching himself in the face to stay awake...

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- one okay sex scene doesn't make up for a plot which induces deep vein thrombosis of the brain

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
+ Not really into 'older women' but they look good (for their age)

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (7)
- If you don't like shoes to the point of fetish, you really might want to give this a miss

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ 'it' girl pooing her pants might put a smile on your face

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- only see this if you loved the TV Series

Liable to make you:
"vomit on your fake Louis Vuitton"

DM Poster Quote:
“no real emotions were hurt in the making of this movie"