Dir. David Slade
Reviewed by Matt Adcock
A life strangling Twilight falls on the cinema again this week but there is a glimmer of light in the up until now turgid and overly hyped femi-centric swoon-em-up vampire / human / wolf love triangle.
Following the forgettable New Moon, Director David ‘I used to be credible – no really I made Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night’ Slade does manage to bring at least five minutes of action to this third but unfortunately not final entry in the Twilight Saga.
For those who aren’t planning to see Eclipse i.e. most blokes out there, here is a quick overview:
Bella (Kristen Stewart), meets sparkly skinned vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) and falls in love, but she’s confused when she meets hunky werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner). Who does she love more from these two make believe mortal enemies? Well after two films of deliberating she’s not really any the wiser this time and indeed snogs them both again just to try and help make her mind up. Cue endless heart-searching, swooning, long lingering looks and cheesy dialogue including the classic line “I am hotter than you” from warm blooded Jacob to undead and hence ‘cold’ Edward.
"are you thinking about wolfing, is that like dogging?"
The Twilight series is a massive phenomenon, tapping into the romantic longings of teen girls the world over, and it’s not only young girls as my schoolteacher cousin Anne is a signed up member of the ‘Team Edward’ fanclub. The melodrama on offer in this third movie has been ramped up to scary proportions – which is just as well as the evil baddie vampire Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) is about as scary as a teletubby. Vic is still annoyed at Bella and Edward for killing her brother James in the first film and she recruits an ‘army’ of newbie vampires, (more powerful and dangerous than any vamp whose been undead more than a year apparently). With their love interest in potential peril Edward and Jacob must unite their vampire / werewolf clans to fight side by side against this new menace.
I say ‘menace’ but come the big showdown the newbie vamp army looks for all the world like a bunch of random charity collection muggers and their ‘threat’ is laughable when the big butch wolves get their teeth into them. Don’t worry it’s all bloodless, the only sight of any blood is when Bella intentionally pricks her finger and wipes in on some bushes to lead a scent trail… This goes against everything most vampire or werewolf films normally deliver (and Director Slade did so well in his very bloody excellent 30 Days of Night vampire tale).
"ok - let's split up and raise some cash for good causes"
But I fear I’m not the target market for this soppiest of ‘horror’ films – it isn’t that Eclipse is a terrible movie, it’s just that it’s not exciting enough and the truly scary things is that there are still two more books to be made into films!!
UNSEEN DELETED SCENE:
The vampires from 30 Days of Night turn up and beat the crap out of Edward for being such a wuss...
Darkmatters rating: öööööö (6 toothless vampires out of 10)
Darkmatters quick reference guide: Action 5 / Style 6 / Babes 7 / Comedy 5 / Horror 5 / Spiritual Enlightenment 1
Check out another review here (Spirituality)