Film Review - Transporter 3

Transporter 3 (15)

Dir. Olivier Megaton

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Vroom vroom crash bang wallop… Frank ‘the transporter’ Martin (Jason Statham) is back in the third all driving, all fighting , all macho nonsense Transporter sequel, delivering crazy car chase action that makes the Top Gear chaps look like a bunch of Sunday drivers.
To date the Transporter movies have been slick, brainless, breathless action flicks – so can the momentum be maintained for another high octane trip or is the franchise finally running out of fuel?
Alas, the smooth - and I don’t just mean his bald head - Statham is hamstrung in this latest outing by the fact that we’ve just about everything on offer here before, and it was better last time... The set up is achingly familiar, dubious characters hire Frank to drive a package somewhere at high speed, there’s an obligatory hot female (Natalya Rudakova) along for the ride and a host of baddies who’ll try and stop him.
Unfortunately no amount of Audis jumping onto moving trains, mass brawl fist fights or proximity bombs attached to body organs can overcome the crunching law of diminishing returns which bites hard here. Transporter 3 somehow manages to be stupid in the extreme and yet still take itself far too seriously. Writer-producers Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen seem content to serve up mildly reheated plot leftovers that not even Statham’s patented Bruce-Willis-alike smirk can make watchable.
New director Olivier Megaton couldn’t be less aptly named as Transporter 3 barely raises the pulse rate and delivers nothing very explosive. Also new is rubbish baddie named Johnson (Knepper) – a strong last minute entrant to nab the ‘weakest villain of the year’ award from that unthreatening bloke from Quantum of Solace. The dastardly plot is something about blackmail grubbiness to do with environmental policies and shiploads of toxic rubbish, which serves as an unfortunate but workable analogy for the film as a whole. One old face is back on duty but with very little to do except spout obvious plot observations and indulge in an odd spot of fishing with his unlikely pal Frank is Detective Tarconi (François Berléand), he really shouldn’t have bothered.
If a Transporter 4 is even being considered, we can only hope that it’s some kind of cross over where Jason Bourne, James Bond, John McClane and Frank Martin are pitted in a fight to death to see who is the hardest action hero… I’d pay to see that.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööö (5)

+ Averagely engaging

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)

+ Needed more polish, and new stuff...

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)

+ Natalya Rudakova is a bit freckly for my liking!?

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)

+ No thinking required...

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)

+ Best line... "are you 'the gay'?"... very amusing.

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (5.5)

Fine but weakest of the series so far

Liable to make you:

"drive very fast on the way home"

DM Poster Quote:

"Choose life, choose Audi "

Film Review - Burn After Reading

Burn After Reading (15)

Dir. Joel and Ethan Coen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

This is a highly classified review. So secret and sensitive is the following material that I advise you to ‘Burn After Reading’ – which may be problematic is reading this online... The report on the Coen brothers' latest cinematic experience crucially indicates the potential full-scale incompetence of non other than the CIA.

The first subject under investigation is CIA analyst Osborne Cox (John Malkovich), who quits his job after being sidelined – once his drinking problem is mentioned. He’s come back to his superior is however is typical of Coen brother sublimeness: “You're a Mormon. Compared to you we all have a drinking problem.”

The second subject is gym worker Linda (Frances McDormand), a lovelorn single who dreams of elective surgery to give her a better chance of finding Mr Right. She and dim co-worker Chad (Brad Pitt), stumble upon Cox’s memoirs on a disc and hatch an ill-fated blackmail scam.

Also in this tangled web is womanising wide boy Harry (George Clooney), who carries a big gun, works for the Treasury Department and is having a sordid affair with Cox's wife Katie (Tilda Swinton).

Things get rapidly out of hand with multiple path crosses, double crosses and much profanity backed up by some genuinely hilarious screwball comedy. This isn’t anything like the awesome gritty thrills of the Coen’s No Country for Old Men, Burn After Reading this is much more like a mix between their genius Big Lebowski and much-maligned Ladykillers. The result is uneven and veers from laugh out loud moments to mild bewilderment but overall it’s a film worth seeing as long as you’re not adverse to sporadic acts of violence.

Everyone in Burn After Reading seems to be having a real hoot putting this together and the sense of madcap fun is infectious. You just can’t help but get caught up in the maverick glee streaming from the screen – never more so than when CIA superiors (David Rasche and J.K. Simmons) try to make sense of what is being reported back to them about the whole muddled affair.

Which is summed up:

“So what did we learn from this?”

“Um... I don't know.”

“Report back to me when it makes sense!”



DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
+ Muddled plot takes a bit of keeping up with

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
+ Some but only sparodic action

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
+ Nothing to get steamed up about here

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
+ Screwballs bouncing left and right, try to keep up!

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)
+ Some classic funnies in here and Pitt is hilarious

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööö (7)
Decent but not classic Coen comedy

Liable to make you:
"join a gym rather than the CIA"

DM Poster Quote:
“what just happened?"

End note:
Fans of Coen brothers comedies won’t have too long to wait for their next hit as A Serious Man, which will be a black comedy about a professor named Larry whose life unravels when his wife prepares to leave him.

Film Review - The House Bunny

The House Bunny (12a)

Dir. Fred Wolf

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Here’s the year’s contender for ‘most gratuitous but joyous overuse of hot pants in a movie.’ The House Bunny is pretty much a retread of many US college comedies from Animal House to Mean Girls – just with added scantily clad Playboy dumb-blondeness. It’s a one-joke flick that seems to give the message that in order to succeed in life as a woman, all you need to do is be sexy and show a lot of skin.
So we have hot Playboy playmate Shelley (Anna ‘all four Scary Movies’ Faris) whose ambition in life extends only to be a centrefold in the infamous magazine. But her kit off dream is rudely taken from her when after turning 27 (which they say is 59 in ‘Bunny Years’) she is forced to vacate Hef's sexpot mansion. Homeless and clueless in equal measure – Shelley is reluctantly taken in by a desperate bunch of nerdy college misfit females who face eviction from their sorority house for not being able to recruit enough ‘pledges’. Can the Bunnygirl sex up the minging weirdos of Zeta House who include the actually cute but made to look rough Natalie (Emma ‘Superbad’ Stone) and man hating Mona (Kat ‘Charlie Bartlett’ Dennings)? Also in the party of unfortunately socially challenged college girls are full body brace wearing Joanne (Rumer ‘daughter of Bruce’ Willis) and pregnant Harmony (American Idol contestant Katherine McPhee who gets to ruin the end credits with a rubbish song).

"which look do you prefer?"

Faris shows a genuine talent for good natured comedy, delivering semi risqué material with an innocent Goldie Hawn vibe backed up by a killer Farrah Fawcett like figure which gets shot from every conceivable angle in eye watering close up. Along the predictable path to saving the day, Shelley also has time to try and woo old folks home manager Oliver (Colin ‘yes my dad is Tom’ Hanks). Then of course in true Revenge of the Nerds style there is the nasty middle class rival house fronted by a preppie sweater-wearing bitch.
But is The House Bunny for you? That depends entirely on your tolerance for sweet-natured sexiness, women in skimpy outfits and dippy college comedy bonding, complete with pratfalls and the occasional actually rather wry observation. It’s mostly a stupid, vapid, sexist money-spinner but try as I might to find serious fault with this, I found it hard and came out smiling having been amused.

"the House Bunnies take to the street..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööö (5)
+ No braincells were hurt in the making of this movie

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
+ Not a great deal here

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööööö (9)
+ Wow, fit bunny fun ahoy...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
+ Blonde and dim but watchable

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
+ Should make you laugh out loud a couple of times

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
Far better than you might expect

Liable to make you:
"appreciate Playboy Bunnies as humans with feelings...

- just kidding LOL"

DM Poster Quote:
“vapid bunny hot pant frenzy"

X-Files: I Want to Believe - competition and review

X-Files: I Want to Believe - Darkmatters Competition... UPDATE...

To celebrate the new X Files movie (review below) - the lovely folks at FOX have given Darkmatters some cool X Files swag which you can win!

All you have to do is complete this sentence in 7 words:

I want to believe that.... (your seven words go here)....

Email you answers to: Darkmatters@another.com (this one should work - apologies to those who tried the last one - aliens seemed to have tinkered with it)!!

Editor (whose decision is final) will choose best entries by the end of Aug - the swag is out there...



The X-Files: I Want to Believe (15)

Dir. Chris Carter

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


“I think maybe the darkness finds us…”

There’s a weird guy outside, says he wants to tell you something he’s seen. I know the chap, he’s a one time priest named Father Joe (an over the top but convincingly odd Billy Connolly), mumbling about having visions of missing people, oh and he’s weeping blood. Think it’s time to call Agents Mulder and Scully – who have witnessed almost every conceivable freaky “unexplainable” situation and surely the best suited individuals to sort out this kind of strangeness.
You see The X-Files: I Want to Believe feels like the perfect closing episode of the long running and much loved TV Series (and sequel to the one not quite loved as much X Files film from 1998). This time the story picks up years after Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) have left the FBI, each still holding true to their unshakable world views - his quest for the truth that is ‘out there’ and her passionate, intelligent scepticism, which she has channelled into being a brilliant doctor. Carter directs exactly like he’s making an extended extra episode for TV and for every interestingly well shot scene, like a snowy auto abduction, there are several po-faced expositions filling in the blanks for those need to be spoon fed the plot.
But before you can say ‘mysterious abductions’ the dynamic duo are thrown back into the dangerous and kooky /sinister investigative world of cases the FBI can only shrug their shoulders at. Fortunately for everyone the now civilian heroes haven’t lost their knack for cracking horrific crimes which are complicated by paranormal elements and The X-Files: I Want to Believe spins a nicely freakish puzzle for them to try and solve. Just in case a dodgy psychic priest and shadowy illegal body part nabbing conspiracy who have more than a passing interest in swapping heads around isn’t enough – there’s also a tear jerking medical case of a young boy facing an incurable disease which Scully can’t accept defeat over. It’s all very cheesy, the supporting characters are barely interesting and the format feels very retro but if you’ve ever been an X Files fan (and I was such a fan back in the day that my two cats then were named Mulder and Scully) – it might just make you believe again and will probably shift quite a few X Files Series DVD box sets!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
+ Like a really good episode but no better

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
+ Nice in places but could have done with more

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
+ Scully isn't all she used to be...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Some slogging through the cheese to be done

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
+ Not much except for some visual references

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
Solid but not spectacular

Liable to make you:
"wonder if the truth might not actually be out there after all"

DM Poster Quote:
“who you gonna call?"

Adulthood - the 'Hoodies strike back' review

Adulthood (15)

Dir. Noel Clarke

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


As Carter USM once sang: “The kids playing gangster wars, they don’t believe in Santa Claus, the baseball bats are soft of course, the blood is just tomato sauce…”

Would have been a decent track to include on the soundtrack to this hip and street sequel which plays like a ‘Episode III: The Revenge of the Kids’ to the original ‘Episode I : The Hoodie Menace’ (Kidulthood – DM review here: Hoodies ate my childhood ).

So six years have past since bad boy Sam (Noel Clarke) killed a young kid and we get to join him as he gets released from jail after doing his hard time. The film tracks him over his first day of freedom but all is not well in the hood and it’s going to be a miracle if he survives even 24hrs thanks to the revenge plans of the kids on the streets.

Director and star Clarke manages to effectively keep the feel of the first film but also to inject a deeper harshness which works in delivering the message that the world isn’t a nice place for you whether you’re a kid or an adult… or somewhere in between… Sam has undergone a kind of metamorphosis in jail, he’s still a bit of a wrong un but now he’s the closest thing we’ve got to a hero as the lovable scallywags whose mate he killed have degenerated into criminal scum partly due to losing their pal. Adam Deacon should get special mention because his character Jay, often the comic relief of both films, manages to bring real presence this time as he fights to make sense of his feelings.

The cast are mostly strong overall – as in decent for ex-EastEnders at least - even Danny ‘did you call me a ****’ Dyer chips in with his patented hard lad cameo. Those looking for a contemporary Brit thriller should find what they’re after, youth and social workers looking for case studies and learning reference points might be less delighted as this is fiction ripped from the Daily Mail view of lower classes ‘street life’ but it probably does reflect the lives of some. Sure Adulthood has a maturity missing from the original and explores the hard to vocalise feelings of young adults who just don’t feel ready for their role… Have they ‘grown up’ or are they still kids just reacting to their circumstances? The original was described as ‘a brutal assessment of inner city impoverished teens’ – whereas Adulthood is basically ‘hoodie porn’ for middle class viewers at heart.


DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (8)
+ Pick this to immerse yourself in an amoral world where the normal rules of society don't apply

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ There’s hoodie fuelled panic on the streets of London

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (7)
+ Scarlett Alice Johnson is hot but I missed Jamie Winston

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööö (4)
+ might be too ‘yoof’ for some…

Comedic Value: öööööö (5)
+ Couple of amusing scenes but mostly grim

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
A tasty follow up which makes for a superb double bill!

Liable to make you:
"carry a baseball bat with you at all times"

DM Poster Quote:
“violence really isn’t big or clever – it just looks big and clever here"

Prince Caspian - the 'Philip Pullman is weeping' review

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (PG)

Dir. Andrew Adamson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

The time has come for you to consider a return trip to the magical world of Narnia. Over a thousand years have past in the kingdom on the other side of the wardrobe and things are looking bleak. A desperate power struggle is taking place as ruthless tyrant King Mirazh seeks to secure his position by wiping out every last trace of the enchanted flora and ‘fawna’ that populate the land. A dashing young prince named Caspian – the true heir to the throne is on the run from the evil Mirazh and in his hour of need he blows the magical horn that is rumoured to summon the high kings and queens of Narnia.

The kings and queens however are busy in our world were only a year has past. So High King Peter the Magnificent, Queen Susan the Gentle, King Edmund the Just and Queen Lucy the Valiant are struggling with schoolwork, teenage angst and a new threat – romantic affections from the opposite sex. But when Caspian uses Susan's magic horn the Pevensie kids are pulled back to Narnia in a barrage of impressive special effects – no wardrobe required this time. Upon arrival they find that hundreds of years have passed, and all is not well in their beloved land. Aslan the majestic and all-powerful lion is nowhere to be seen, the mighty castle of Cair Paravel lies in ruins and the magical citizens are now endangered species.

This new darker, edgier Narnia works a treat, the living, breathing fantasy elements of the land are rendered in some of the best special effects yet created. Returning director Adamson ups the ante for this sequel, which improves on the first film in just about every way. The children are better (even Georgie Henley as Lucy thankfully managing to be less annoying than in The Lion, The Witch…).


"the kids get ready to hop dimensions back to Narnia"

As the bloodthirsty Mirazh – hammed up nicely by Sergio Castellitto, gets down to some medieval genocide with his vicious armies, Caspian – played by hunky Ben Barnes and the Pevensie kids have to rustle up a ragtag army of magical types in order to fight for truth, justice and the Narnian way. As in the first film / book there are still some good moral messages for Lewis fans to savour such as the folly of acting impulsively for personal glory but its less cloying and as the stakes are higher, the plot is very much designed to keep viewers on the edge of their seats. Forget pretenders such as The Golden Compass - this is the real deal!!

An incredible new age has begun in Narnia… and you’re invited!


"check out my move to Real Madrid..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (9)
+ A fantastic fantasy overload of feelgood excitement!

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ Wicked battle scenes that push the PG limit

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
+ Susan (Anna Popplewell) has a magic horn... say no more...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööö (3)
+ Not a dull moment, jam packed with joyous entertainment

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
+ Eddie Izzard as Reepicheep is comic genius

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (10)
C.S. Lewis, would be proud, this is quality fantasy fare…

Liable to make you:
"get addicted to hard core 'Fawnogaraphy'"

DM Poster Quote:
“Everything you know is about to change... for the better!"


"these baddies don't show much facial expression"