Darkmatters Review: Battle Los Angeles

Battle: Los Angeles (12a)


Dir. Jonathan Liebesman

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Retreat?”


“Hell no!”

If there is one thing that Hollywood teaches us it’s that when tooled up alien invaders turn up and begin systematically wiping us out – the people you really want in your corner are U.S. Marines. Battle: Los Angeles is all about man vs aliens – told from the point of view of a bunch of Marines who risk everything to save some civilians trapped behind enemy lines.

Splashing impressive special effects, Battle: Los Angeles paints a pretty bleak picture as to earth’s capacity to repel invaders and packs in a huge amount of peril and threat for a 12a rated film. This is basically a cinematic hybrid version of two classic shoot-em-up PlayStation games namely Call of Duty crossed with Resistance: Fall of Man (look out for the massive billboard for Sony’s Resistance 3 which arrives later this year in one scene).

We join Staff Sgt. Michael Nantz (Aaron ‘Dark Knight’ Eckhat), a soldier whose last mission didn’t go so well, leading to most of his men getting killed. He is tasked with leadings a small team of Marines into the occupied area of Santa Monica – an area that has been devastated by the evil alien exterminators.

Think ‘Black Hawk Down’ just with angry armoured extra-terrestrials instead of Somali soldiers and you’ll have some idea of the non-stop against the odds action that makes up most of the screen time. The deafening interplay of large caliber guns being answered by the sonic booms of the advance alien weaponry is the constant backdrop to the macho goings on. Who, if anyone, will survive is the only variable factor as the team battle valiantly to save some cute civilian kids and token multicultural clichéd characters.

Battle: Los Angeles is a pure boys own movie – a fact backed up by my eldest son who turned to me as the end credits rolled and said “I could happily watch another two hours of that!” Don’t be expecting any real character development or deep exploration of meaningful issues – just sit back and enjoy the alien carnage and untold battle mayhem.

The effects team has created some of the best alien special effects to grace the screen since AVATAR (even though Colin and Greg Strause jumped ship midway to direct the lesser sci-fi work ‘Skyline’).

Battle: Los Angeles is loud, dumb and action packed, so if that’s what you’re in the mood for – step up and join the fight!
Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:
öööö

(4 - Big bangs, little brains, Woo Haa)...

Awesomeness öööö – LA gets trashed in style
Laughs öö – unitentional laughs only
Horror ööö – some convincing death and destruction
Babes öö – Michelle Rodriguez looks good kick ass
Spiritual Enlightenment ööö – LA is worth fighting for!

- - -
Second opinion - try Sci-Fi-Cool who said: "“Battle: Los Angeles” is one hell of an alien invasion kick-off for 2011. For now, at least, it’s the film to beat."

Rodriguez looks good out of combat gear too"

Darkmatters Review: Unstoppable

Unstoppable (12a)

Dir. Tony Scott

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Attention travellers we are sorry to announce that the train on platform 3 is unmanned, out of control and carrying a dangerous payload of highly explosive chemicals. We apologise for any inconvenience this might cause but hey, let’s look on the bright side, it makes for awesome cinema!!
Nobody does macho action films quite like Tony ‘Top Gun’ Scott and Unstoppable sees the high velocity loving director let loose with a massive train set, backed up with helicopters, cop cars and explosions – lots of explosions… Denzel Washington brings his class to the lead role of Frank – a world weary engineer tasked with training newbie conductor Will (Chris ‘Kirk from Star Trek’ Pine) who is having women trouble.

These two decent chaps get caught up in this "inspired by true events" tale where an unmanned runaway train is out of control in southern Pennsylvania and threatening to derail in a highly populated area – killing thousands.

The simple ‘men versus machine’ plot serves the film well and allows for lots of macho posturing as the train bosses fret over how much their stocks will be hit if the train crashes while the heroic dynamic duo frantically try and bring the beast of the train under control.

It couldn’t be more formulaic but Scott knows how to build up the suspense and uses his whizz bang filming style to frame the speeding unmanned locomotive 777 as some kind of evil entity hungry for destruction.

"The chance would be a fine thing - given the delays facing UK commuters at the moment"

Train control room operator Connie (Rosario Dawson) is on hand to fret as the runaway train finds itself on a head to head course with various hazards including a trainload of innocent schoolchildren… You couldn’t make this stuff up… The supporting cast include Frank’s two unfeasibly attractive daughters who happen to work in ‘Hooters’ which gives them an excuse to spend the whole film in hot pants and tight t-shirts whilst looking concerned at the news coverage of their brave dad. Not to be outdone though Will has a smokin’ hot blonde wife who’s unhappy with him do to his suspecting her of infidelity – although maybe his ‘day-saving’ actions might win her round?

Unstoppable sure is stupid and shallow but it is also, unbelievably, the most fun you’re likely to have in the cinema this autumn. With dialogue like: “This is Will Coalson your conductor speaking, we are gonna run this bitch down.”

All aboard for a pleasingly edge of your seat white knuckle ride - book your tickets ASAP and hold on tight!

UNSEEN DELETED SCENE:

The Road Train from 'Road Train' turns up and goes head to head with the 777 from Unstoppable in the ultimate game of 'chicken' not realising that there's no way the 777 can turn off the tracks!? It gets very messy!

Darkmatters rating: öööööööö (8 unstoppable sex machines out of 10)

Darkmatters quick reference guide: Action 8 / Style 7 / Babes 7 / Comedy 6 / Horror / Spiritual Enlightenment 2

Darkmatters Review: Skyline

Skyline (15)

Dirs. Colin Strause and Greg Strause (The brothers Strause)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Our first encounter will be our last stand...”

Run for the hills – the alien invasion might just have begun and it looks pretty lovely. There are sparkling blue lights falling from the heavens all across the globe and surprisingly it isn’t even an advertising campaign for Sony’s Blu-Ray packing PS3, no, this is an Independence Day scale invasion of our little planet.

We join the action in Los Angeles where heroic Jarrod (Eric ‘that bloke from 24 who doesn’t make it’ Balfour) and his girlfriend Elaine (Scottie ‘hit US medic show Trauma’ Thompson) are visiting successful pal Terry (Donald ‘Scrubs’ Faison). Their partying is cut short when in the early hours following Terry’s lavish birthday bash ET and his pals gate crash our atmosphere.

Do the invaders (at least some of whom look a lot like the Sentinels from The Matrix) come in peace?

"Earth's last stand might not last that long!?"

In a word ‘no’ – these bad boys are here to harvest our brainstems and those lovely blue beams? They are clever devices which entrance anyone who looks at them and then sucks them up to the waiting spaceships to be processed.

Skyline was made on a very low budget but somehow the directors (working hard to make amends for their terrible crime against cinema Alien vs Predator: Requiem) deliver some tasty special effects. Alas the rest isn’t up to the visual look of the film, the budget limitations mean that for every impressive alien, the payoff is that we get to spend a lot of time in the same few locations.

So it’s best to just let the visually pleasing and highly destructive alien attacks wash over you. The whole concept is vaguely ‘Cloverfield’ like in that our main characters aren’t the heroes fighting back, these are just average Joes witnessing unprecedented events.

There are certainly some action scenes that will stay with you – pick of the bunch is an excellent fighter plane assault on one of the large alien craft in which you half expect to spot Will Smith leading the plucky squadron.

"Hmmm - seems you've been watching too much X-Factor"

But Skyline isn’t a feel good movie, and the bleakness of our human incapacity to oust the aliens certainly hasn’t gone down well in the US where they simply don’t like to lose to anyone. Maybe the very silly pre-sequel set up will see an upturn in the chances of human survival??

SEEN DELETED SCENE:

The cast of Indepence Day team up with those from Skyline to mount a bigger scale fight back... still doesn't work!!?

Darkmatters rating: ööööööö (7 alien ass kickings out of 10)

Darkmatters quick reference guide: Action 8 / Style 6 / Babes 6 / Comedy 4 / Horror 5 / Spiritual Enlightenment 2

Darkmatters review - Watchmen

Watchmen (18)

Dir. Zack Snyder ‘300, Dawn of the Dead’

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Rorschach's Journal: March 8th 2009: I find myself in the future – somehow a film has been made depicting the incredible events that occurred back in 1985 when this city was afraid of me. It had reason to, I had seen its true face. The streets were extended gutters and the gutters were full of blood. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder foamed up about their waists and all the whores and politicians looked up and shouted 'Save us!'

And I whispered

'no'.




Welcome to the end of the Superhero movie as we know it. Zack ‘300’ Snyder has brought the once deemed ‘un-filmable’ landmark graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons to the big screen and nothing will ever be quite the same.

Watchmen is a nuclear powered behemoth of thought provoking superhero action, breathtaking visual flair and gut churning violence. I was prepared for bitter disappointment because the original comic boasts such a deep vein of rich intermingled sub plots, fantastical imagery and mind bending intellectual concepts – how could it be possibly be effectively captured in just under three hours of screen time? But to my delight and amazement Watchmen delivers on the big screen better than I dared hope. The sheer dedication and flawless attention to the source material is admirable, the vivid way that the original pages have literally ‘come to life’ in jaw dropping high resolution makes this a bona fide visual masterpiece.

For those seeking wham bang no brain action, this isn’t going to be for you because whilst there are some excellent action scenes, this is film that requires brainpower for maximum appreciation. Watchmen is a truly adult themed thriller, set in an alternative 1985 where Richard Nixon has won a third term as president and the Cold War has taken the world to brink of nuclear Armageddon.

After an excellent scene setting credit sequence we witness the murder of The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), a mercenary / hero with dubious morals and a taste for carnage. His death sets one time colleague Rorschach, a masked vigilante (superb turn from Jackie Earle Haley) on the trial of whoever might be looking to execute masked heroes.
Writer Alan Moore said: "I suppose I was just thinking, 'That'd be a good way to start a comic book: have a famous super-hero found dead.' As the mystery unravelled, we would be led deeper and deeper into the real heart of this super-hero's world, and show a reality that was very different to the general public image of the super-hero."

The complex tale includes back story elements of the other ‘Watchmen’ including the only ‘actual’ superhero Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup), a naked, glowing blue skinned powerful being created in a science-lab accident. Manhattan is a walking talking weapon of mass destruction – used by Nixon to win the Vietnam War almost single handedly, but whose humanity seems to be retreating. Then there’s Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) once Rorschach’s partner, a tech genius who sports a Batman like array of gadgets and wears an owl caped outfit.
Ozymandias (Matthew Goode) on the other hand is Earth's smartest man, who also boosts amazing reflexes and Silk Spectre II (Malin ’27 Dresses’ Akerman) who wears a mean skimpy latex outfit.



You’ll need to pay attention to keep up with the twisting plot elements as the storyline delights in pulling the rug from under the viewer. Don’t go expecting a simple spoon fed structure or a traditional blockbuster ending – we’re in serious end of the world territory here.

Some of the original graphic novel has obviously had to be cut – there will be a soon to be released DVD animated companion of the Tales of the Black Freighter pirate story within the story sub fiction. And we can only hope that there will be additional scenes restored for the rumoured Director’s cut Blu-Ray too.

Then there’s also a Watchmen downloadable PSN game (which from the demo I’ve played allows you to beat the living daylights out of convicts as either Nite Owl or Rorschach) and some tasty free Watchmen items in Home to nab. But most importantly to get the most from the movie, I can only really recommend that you swot up on the original graphic novel. It is the must read authoritative Old Testament without which we might never have had The Dark Knight’s New Testament…

Highly recommended, an intelligent choice for those who can handle extreme violence, superhero sex and challenging thinking. Repeated viewing essential.




Arbitrary Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 - Excellent)

Darkmatters quick reference guide: Action 9, Style 9, Babes 8, Comedy 7, Spiritual Enlightenment 8

Film Review - Transporter 3

Transporter 3 (15)

Dir. Olivier Megaton

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Vroom vroom crash bang wallop… Frank ‘the transporter’ Martin (Jason Statham) is back in the third all driving, all fighting , all macho nonsense Transporter sequel, delivering crazy car chase action that makes the Top Gear chaps look like a bunch of Sunday drivers.
To date the Transporter movies have been slick, brainless, breathless action flicks – so can the momentum be maintained for another high octane trip or is the franchise finally running out of fuel?
Alas, the smooth - and I don’t just mean his bald head - Statham is hamstrung in this latest outing by the fact that we’ve just about everything on offer here before, and it was better last time... The set up is achingly familiar, dubious characters hire Frank to drive a package somewhere at high speed, there’s an obligatory hot female (Natalya Rudakova) along for the ride and a host of baddies who’ll try and stop him.
Unfortunately no amount of Audis jumping onto moving trains, mass brawl fist fights or proximity bombs attached to body organs can overcome the crunching law of diminishing returns which bites hard here. Transporter 3 somehow manages to be stupid in the extreme and yet still take itself far too seriously. Writer-producers Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen seem content to serve up mildly reheated plot leftovers that not even Statham’s patented Bruce-Willis-alike smirk can make watchable.
New director Olivier Megaton couldn’t be less aptly named as Transporter 3 barely raises the pulse rate and delivers nothing very explosive. Also new is rubbish baddie named Johnson (Knepper) – a strong last minute entrant to nab the ‘weakest villain of the year’ award from that unthreatening bloke from Quantum of Solace. The dastardly plot is something about blackmail grubbiness to do with environmental policies and shiploads of toxic rubbish, which serves as an unfortunate but workable analogy for the film as a whole. One old face is back on duty but with very little to do except spout obvious plot observations and indulge in an odd spot of fishing with his unlikely pal Frank is Detective Tarconi (François Berléand), he really shouldn’t have bothered.
If a Transporter 4 is even being considered, we can only hope that it’s some kind of cross over where Jason Bourne, James Bond, John McClane and Frank Martin are pitted in a fight to death to see who is the hardest action hero… I’d pay to see that.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööö (5)

+ Averagely engaging

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)

+ Needed more polish, and new stuff...

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)

+ Natalya Rudakova is a bit freckly for my liking!?

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)

+ No thinking required...

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)

+ Best line... "are you 'the gay'?"... very amusing.

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (5.5)

Fine but weakest of the series so far

Liable to make you:

"drive very fast on the way home"

DM Poster Quote:

"Choose life, choose Audi "

Film Review - Body Of Lies

Body of Lies (15)

Dir. Ridley Scott

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Cinemagoers prepare to sign up and to do your part for the War on Terror,you’ll be working alongside crack CIA field agent Roger Ferris (LeonardoDiCaprio) in various hostile Middle Eastern locations.Your dangerous covert operations will be directed by smooth US basedoperative Ed Hoffman (Russell Crowe), who juggles your missions but mightnot be telling you everything you need to know.Ferris runs around Jordan, Iraq and Turkey hunting down nasty a BinLaden-ish Al-Saleem (Alon Aboutboul) and blowing terrorist fanatics awaywith extreme prejudice whilst Hoffman talks to him via a satellite linkheadset. There is an effective juxtaposition of Hoffman ordering the killsof suspects whilst ferrying his kids to football games or kissing them goodnight and tucking them into bed.There’s not a lot new here though – we’ve seen the ‘America andEurope are easy targets’ rhetoric many times before in films like last year’s The Kingdom (which packed less brain cells but ramped up theaction) and the older / younger spy formula has been even been effectivelyworked through by Scott’s younger brother Tony in Spy Game. So Body ofLies walks a fairly well trodden if horribly relevant path but Ridley‘Blade Runner’ Scott is a director who always delivers good looking movies even if they don’t completely captivate.There are several wham bam action scenes including a desert based carchase that would have fitted well into Quantum of Solace but even with the occasional shootout there are not enough set pieces to warrant callingthis an action thriller. Somehow ‘socio-political-analysis thriller’doesn’t have quite the same ring to it though.

Both the leads are effective especially Crowe who has plumped up for hisslimy role, even if DiCaprio still looks too boyishly young to be ahardened CIA veteran operative. Able support is on hand in the form ofMark Strong who plays Hani Salaam, the formidable and suave JordanianDirector of Intelligence along with an effective love interest for Ferrisin the form of sultry nurse Aisha (the lovely Golshifteh Farahani).Body of Lies probably isn’t going to change anyone’s world view but itis stylish and despite its simplistic depiction of the shades of greyamongst both friends and allies it makes for a mildly thought provokingevening out.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)

+ Engaging if simplistic

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)

+ Some very exciting action scenes

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööö (7)

+ Golshifteh Farahani is cute

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)

+ Not dull

Comedic Value: öööö (4)

+ Not a comedy whatever you think of American foreign policy

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (7)

Does a stylish job of entertaining but no classic

Liable to make you:

"sign up for some covert ops"

DM Poster Quote:

“target identified - lock on to audience boredom..."

Film Review - Max Payne

Max Payne (15)

Dir. John Moore

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Max Payne says: “I don’t believe in Heaven, I believe in Pain…”

Video game to big screen adaptations are invariably hit or miss affairs, critics tend to hate them, fans of the game get upset if plot details are changed and even the actors rarely seem to ‘get’ the character they are playing… Having been an avid gamer since the days of Pong and ZX Spectrum, and having played and enjoyed both Max Payne (on PS2) and the follow up (on PC) I was really hoping that the filmmakers and Mark Wahlberg would do Max justice.

The Max Payne games were multiformat cult classic run and gun mysteries that implemented an impressive ‘bullet-time’ slow down (as opposed to frame rate drop) which was completely borrowed from The Matrix but worked so well that it never failed to put a massive grin on my face when I’d kick open a door, and shotgun blast each of the adversaries before they’d even had time to draw their weapons. Oh and there was a dose of Norse mythology fused into the noir detective storyline that made it much more interesting than a simple shoot-em-up.

Twentieth Century Fox picked John Moore (who already has a debt to Satan for making The Omen ’06 so average) to direct the film; he’s a guy who adheres to the ‘style over substance’ school of film making and that is how he tackles Max Payne. The hard-boiled noir look of the film is a stunning achievement – hypnotic hyper-stylised snow swirls in a constant poetic backdrop, the city is a wonderful bleak metropolis a la Sin City and Wahlberg’s constipated frown is a dead ringer for the videogame Payne. Production values are high across the board and even the slightly wacky hallucinogenic visions of Norse Valkyrie demons are rendered effectively. Then there are the babes, sultry but bad ass assassin Mona Sax (Mila Kunis), and a sizzling cameo by new Bond girl Olga Kurylenko who wears a mean red dress (and seems to have a thing for videogame movies as she was in Hitman last year). So far, so good…

But there’s always a downside and here it’s the plot which brings the payne (sorry). The movie is a mish mash mostly ripped straigh from the game and then padded out, remixed and jubbled togther without much care for consistency or dramatic endeavor. We find Max struggling with his guilt and rage over the death of his wife and child at the hands of drug addicted scumbags. Three years he’s been hunting the killer and now an outbreak of grissly murders looks to be linked to his family’s deaths. The join the dots linkages between scenes are liable to insult even the most retarded of teen gamers but at least there’s the tasty gun action right? Sure, there is some and when it eventually kicks off it looks very good – even working in some effective bullet-time moments, but it feels slightly muted and overly sanitised which goes against everything the original games stood for. I can see that the studio wants to make this available to as wider audience as possible (in the US it got a PG13 rating) but when trying to stand alongside similar ‘feel’ movies such as Sin City or The Crow, Payne wimps out. Maybe if the audience had been dosed up with the film’s experimental performance enhancing drug called Valkyr – they might have gotten into it more?

The cast are average at best, Beau Bridges hams up his role of Payne’s former partner like his family will be killed if he in any way manages to look convincing, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges shows that he should stick to rapping as he sleepwalks around looking confused and Chris O’Donnell, Donal Logue, and even Nelly Furtado round off the oddball assmebled ‘talent’.
You know you’re in trouble when two nameless junkies get some of the best lines e.g.:

Junkie 1: Hey man, see that dude with the watch? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Junkie 2: He could tell us what time it is?

Junkie 1: No you idiot! We could steal the watch, sell it, and get more drugs!

Junkie 2: That's a brilliant plan! I have a gun!

Junkie 3: Man, what if he has a gun too?

Junkie 1: You idiot, law-abiding citizens aren't allowed to have guns here! How do you think we'd survive if they did?

Junkie 2: Let's go f**k this guy up!

Screenwriter Beau Thorne doesn’t seem to know quite how to bring all elements together effectively, so he sacrifices coherence *cough side kick just happens to turn up and save Payne’s ass twenty stories up in a secure corporate tower? Huh? *cough and hopes that nobody is paying enough attention to notice.

Yes the Max Payne movie is slick and good looking, and is so nearly a great blast of crime mystery peppered with some decent fights but it trips itself up and in the end probably won’t please enough people to warrant a sequel. If you do find yourself buying into this, there’s a tease for a possible follow up after the end credits (but even this is in not in the same league as Iron Man’s Nick Fury post credit introduction).

My biggest problem with the fim version when compared to the game though is that for a climactic showdown, the ‘end boss’ is simply no challenge, whereas anyone who has played the game will attest otherwise!? The usual action movie double standards are writ large when Payne can take a point blank clip of semi-automatic machine gun to the chest whereas the enemy falls to an unsatisfying single round.

If you’re prepared to let a fairly dull plot wash over you whilst you enjoy the visual stylings and occasional flash of action then step right up, otherwise Payne is simply going to be another ‘failed’ videogame adaptation. Perhaps a PS3 Max Payne 3 might redress the balance because it would be a shame for the film to have taken Max to a watery grave…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)

+ Norse mythos helps a bit

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)

+ The action is cool but very sparse!

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)

+ Mona Sax and Olga Kurylenko are suitably hot

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)

- Why so slow and ponderous?? WHY???

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)

- limited wise cracking

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)

I'm a sucker for cool stylish noir films but Payne only just passes muster

Liable to make you:

"get a Norse tattoo or go back and play the games again"

DM Poster Quote:

“Bring the Payne!?"

Film Review - Death Race

Death Race (15)

Dir. Paul W.S. Anderson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Gentlemen… Start your engines!

You join us live from the 2012 Grand Prix – the drivers are just taking the first corner… oh my goodness, one has just blown up, another is getting out of his car and beating the living daylights out of a competitor and a third is firing two heavy duty machine guns into the back of an opponent – what is Lewis Hamilton thinking?

Welcome to a whole new way of racing, this is racing enriched with serious weaponry and hot female co-drivers. As my esteemed friend I’m joined in the bullet proof commentary box tonight by John ‘Ford Focus – there’s no substitute’ Richardson what are you thinking? "This film makes boy racers look like feeble Sunday drivers"…
We’re talking insane bloodlust, speed and carnage (with the emphasis on the ‘car’)!?
Back to John: "whatever you do...DON'T get out of the car!"
He’s got a point too as in Deathrace the only place more dangerous than being in one of the modified muscle cars on the track is being outside of on the of the modified muscle cars on the track… It’s enough to give the Green Cross Code man a hernia just watching!
Final word from John: "I'd like to see how the lollypop lady handles this kind of traffic!" Yes, me too, it’s much more carmageddon than the school run…

So – is this the film for you? Well, if the thought of the director of Resident Evil updating the camp B-movie nasty Death Race 2000and resetting it in a prison where the prize on offer for wining the race is freedom but when they say there’s no point for second place, that’s because the person in second place is probably dead!
It’s a future where crazed inmates compete to the death live on TV pay-per-view and millions of viewers tune in to see newly convicted Jensen Ames (Statham) - framed for murdering his wife – take on the mantel of legendary masked racer ‘Frankenstein’.

Ian McShane is on hand to add a spot of reflection as Ames’ team Coach (who likes Death Racing so much he’s stayed on in prison after his sentence) and there’s obligatory babe action from Natalie Martinez as his co-driver, who comes equipped with her own set of impressive airbags (see below).


"Martinez - co-pilot of your dreams..."

Snippet of plot taster from evil Warden Hennessey (Joan ‘Bourne’ Allen): “the fans call Frankenstein. A man so disfigured by crashes that he's forced to wear a mask. His return to the track is highly anticipated, and therein lies my problem. No one knows yet, but poor Frank died on an operating table not long after his last race. Anyone can wear the mask, but not just anyone can drive the car. You have the skills required to keep the legend alive. I want you to become Frankenstein. The chances are good. I'm offering you your freedom, Mr. Ames. If it's not worth risking your life for, what is?”

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
+ Disengage brain for best results!

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ Broom broom bang…

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
+ Martinez is pure eye candy

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
+ Stupid and proud

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ Some funnies- look out for the pre death subtitle of 14k

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
If you like violent action and cars you 'Auto' like this alot!!

Liable to make you:
"pull doughnuts in the carpark - whatever you drive"

DM Poster Quote:
“when I hit the dashboard I'd like you to launch the Model 7 Russian Armory, armor piercing, self arming missiles!"

Not everyone will like this... here's proof: http://chriscurtis.typepad.com/weblog/2008/08/death-race.html

In fact - one of best pals Mike - whose opinion I value above most had this to say...

"Man, I can't believe you gave the unbelievably bad Death Race 8 out of 10, were you high? Or drunk out of your mind?

I dragged four people along to see that sorry piece of sh*t and now they all hate me, and you.

Of course it won't affect our friendship, you have enough in the bank with me to withstand a much harder kick in the teeth than this, but your film review standing has slid down the league table to somewhere below the hit-and-miss Jonathan Woss and only above The Sun's 'The Sneak' on goal difference.

Your 'if Matt likes it I'll like it' licence has been revoked, and replaced with 'take it under advisement' status.Talk of the devil, just got a text from you. Yes, you are right, I didn't expect intellectual or poetic genius that would stir the soul from Death Race. What I did hope for; a half decent plot or back story on which to hang the action, some characters I even gave a tagnut of a sh*t for, or even just some characters, tasty high octane four wheeled action sequences that got my blood pumping and not this pedestrian limp rubbish which continually drained the pace with pointless cut-aways to the warden smiling or scowling (about as scary as the ghost train ride on Brighton Pier) or Lovejoy looking like he was passing kidney stones.

I hoped for some humour, some classy one-liners and some clever twists; the film could only muster a bucketful of turgid ancient cliches, delivered by apologetic performances. At one point near the end of this painfully long B-road car journey one of the black posse looks straght into the camera and says 'this is bad.' Most of the audience agreed wholeheartedly, one man sitting behind me nearly choking on his coke as the moment delivered some much needed entertainment. I guess I shouldn't have expected more from the director who spewed forth such vomitus as Alien vs Predator, Soldier, and Mortal Kombat but he did do the Resident Evil trilogy which I do rather like. The only good bits were the TV coverage footage and that would account for less than a minute of the film. In summary, I thought this film was one of the worst I've ever endured, it sucked the sweat off a dead man's balls."

Ouch... so there you at least have an alternative view to um, add balance?


"Mike is the one of the left..."

But I still kind of liked Deathrace - which is just plain odd.

Film Review - Taken

Taken (15)

Dir. Pierre Morel

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career in the shadows, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you. And I will kill you…”

[after a pause the kidnapper answers] “Good luck”...

Taken is a mean, slick, action flick from Luc ‘Leon’ Besson and Robert Mark Kamen which could well set a new standard for the sheer number of bad guys sent to an early grave… Liam Neeson gets his ‘Bourne’ on as Bryan Mills, an ex-CIA operative who puts his training to effective use when his daughter Kim (Maggie Grace) gets kidnapped the minute she steps outside of the US.

Director Pierre ‘District 13’ Morel delivers on the promise he showed in his early action adventure – this time blessed with a quality leading man who keeps the audience on side even when delivering unspeakable violence. Neeson certainly adds gravitas to the vengeful all shooting, all beating, role of Bryan. Within minutes of the film starting he’s in action saving a hot new singing sensation Diva (Holly Valance) from a would-be attacker, a move which helps indicate that there is much barely repressed violence just beneath the surface of this doting-but-estranged dad.

So when his daughter Kim and her cute pal Amanda (Katie Cassidy) get abducted almost as soon as they arrive in Paris, Bryan uses the next 96 hours (the time frame within which security forces generally recon that a victim has a chance of being rescued) to go ballistic on the East European scumbags responsible.

The plot might be wafer thin but that hardly matters when the action is as crunching and high octane as delivered here. Watching Bryan take down seemingly hundreds of enemies in a stylish but surprisingly brutal series of encounters is this year’s action fan nirvana. With echoes of the effective Man on Fire from a couple of years ago, this man on a mission to save his child odyssey, will have people rooting for the steely eyed bringer of justice – even when the odds seem impossibly against him.

Once the action fuse is lit, the fight scenes, chases and relentless quest of Bryan is a captivating ride, a thriller that actually thrills and doesn’t waste a second of screen time. Probably not a date movie, Taken channels of the spirit of Arnie’s infamous ‘80s’ action heroes mixing in elements of James Bond and Jason Bourne. You’ll be hard pressed to find a more exciting rampage of gun action this autumn – Bryan Mills may well muscle his way into to the all time top ten of gun slinging heroes.

"I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you - probably with my gun..."

Ye Old DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM
(all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
+ Deathwish fulfilment for anxious parents everywhere

Tasty Action: ööööööööö (9)
+ Serious crunching fights and gunplay, exciting stuff!

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
+ Maggie Grace is worth abducting...

Mind Blight / Boredom: öö (2)
+ Fast paced throughout

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ Some nice dark comedy elements

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
Taken is highly recommend stress relief for anyone who wants to see bad people made to pay!!

"keeping your cherry - drives up your value!?"

Liable to make you:

"vow to wipe out half the Eastern Euro underworld"

DM Poster Quote:

"They thought they could take his daughter and get away with it.
they were miss-TAKEN!!"

Film Review: The Mummy - Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (12a)

Dir. Rob Cohen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

When there’s serious adventuring to be done everybody knows that there’s only man who fits the bill… a certain Mr Indiana Jones. But what if Indy is off tackling mysterious crystal skulls? Well, then you might consider Rick O'Connell (played by Brendan ‘The Mummy’ Fraser) and his wife Evelyn (Maria ‘Not in The Mummy’ Bello, who pretends she’s Rachel Weisz from the previous two Mummy films).
Yes hot on the dusty heels of Indy’s big screen return stumbles the third of The Mummy films which have tried hard up until now to be almost passable Indy substitutes. Alas
Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the worst Mummy by a mile, utterly devoid of merit and serving only to show that even when Indy is having a bit of an off day – he’s still head and shoulders better than this risible mind numbing ‘adventure’.
So this time the Mummy causing the trouble is an ancient Chinese emperor (played by an embarrassed looking Jet Li), seems he took over most of the civilised world back in his day and has now returned to grasp immortality and finish his plans for world domination.
Director Rob ‘Stealth’ Cohen is on a major losing streak at the moment, and given that his next film is entitled ‘King of the Nudies‘ I’m not holding out a great deal of hope for that to break his trend of virtually unforgivably bad movies. With nothing but a crack team of CGI artists to try and keep it afloat, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor blatantly ‘borrows’ elements from Jones’ adventures such as a Shanghai nightclub scene, the central character having to find the elixir of immortality after being mortally wounded and even an action theme that evokes bullwhips and wisecracks.
Sympathy has to go to John Hannah who is lumbered with some of the worst on screen dialogue ever (and who has to try and milk a laugh from being sicked on by a yak) – he must really need the money.
The Mummy franchise has effectively put a bullet in it’s own head with this effort, surely the only way a Mummy 4 could be made would be if the plot followed how the script writers, producers and director of this reeking disposable waste of time and money were to be walled alive in a tomb, only to be awoken in future times where they threaten to wreak more rubbish cinematic vengeance on the world…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öö (2)
- This is akin to microwaving your brain... it hurts and it's not fun!!

Tasty Action: ööö (3)
- Only the Yetis can look back on this with any satisfaction

Gratuitous Babeness: öööö (4)
- Bello is okay at best

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö (9)
- This should be renamed - 'The Mummy: Tomb of the Mummy Franchise'

Comedic Value: ööö (3)
- You'll be laughing at the movie, not with it...

Arbitrary final rating: öö (2)
Possibly the worst film of the Decade!?

Liable to make you:
"cry"

DM Poster Quote:
“Some things are better left dead"

The Dark Knight...

"Oh baby... JOKER is my favourite bad guy!!"


"I couldn't be more excited about this... IMAX anyone!?"

gotta love this dialogue...

Bank Manager:
"The criminals in this town used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in? What do you believe in!?"

The Joker:
"I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you... stranger."

Click through here to the infamous FILMSTALKER and watch 5 wonderful minutes of what just might be my film of the year!!
LINK: http://www.filmstalker.co.uk/archives/2008/07/the_dark_knight_five_minutes_o.html

Wanted - the 'are you a wolf or a sheep' review

Wanted (18)

Dir. Timur Bekmambetov

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


It's a choice, that each of us must face:

…remain ordinary, pathetic, beat-down, coasting through a miserable existence, like sheep herded by fate…

…or take control of your own destiny and join us, releasing the caged wolf you have inside…

As a massive fan of the Mark Millar and J. G. Jones graphic novel (which really put the ‘graphic’ into the novel) upon which this is loosely based, I’ve been anticipating Wanted ever since it was announced. It’s the story of chronic loser Wesley Gibson (the excellent James McAvoy), a downtrodden hypochondriac whose girlfriend is sleeping with his best friend and whose lardy boss at his dead-end job lives to make his life hell every single day. Could this Wesley actually be the son of the world’s greatest ever assassin? Might he have an intrinsic killer instinct and be blessed with unnatural ability to curve bullets in mid flight? Yes it’s another one of those geeky heroes who get their wildest wishes fulfilled plotlines but here it is played out as the ultimate balls-to-the-wall action overload.

Wanted should be your first choice this summer for violent high octane, seriously over the top adventure. Timur ‘Daywatch’ Bekmambetov directs the insane pulse pounding action channelling the spirit of Fight Club, Die Hard and The Matrix all at the same time!

From the second that the scales fall from Wesley’s eyes and he enters a world of fast cars, big guns and a badass new girlfriend / mentor named ‘Fox’ (a stunning Angelina Jolie), you can do nothing but buckle up and enjoy the ride. The superhero / villain plot of the graphic novel has been ejected and replaced with a real world secret society of assassins who ‘kill for Fate’ back story. This actually works really well but might disappoint some fans of the Millar original. Anyway, Wesley undergoes a brutal training regime in order to hone his killing skills - his eventual target a rogue assassin named Cross (Thomas Kretschmann) who murdered his father.
Morgan Freeman is on hand as Sloan – leader of the Fraternity who employ this roster of killers and the crunching action builds up to a supremely satisfying climax.


"Jolie as 'Fox'... by name and nature!"

Scenes where the hero has two guns and takes on a host of enemies can be awesome such as in The Crow or Equilibrium but Wanted sets a new benchmark with a truly jaw dropping gunfight. And this comes hot on the heels of the spectacular fights, car chases, assassinations and general devastation delivered throughout; basically this is stupid set-piece action heaven.

Wanted puts McAvoy in the big league for leading man roles and blows the competition away in terms of hardcore action entertainment… bring on the sequel ASAP!!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (8)
+ Top draw wish fulfilment on many levels

Tasty Action: öööööööööö (10)
+ You won’t see better gun action all summer!

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
+ Jolie has never looked better or been cooler

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööö (3)
+ Cracks along at a great pace

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)
+ There are some decent funnies

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööööö (10)
Essential viewing for graphic gunplay action fans!!

Liable to make you:
"quit your job, become an assassin, live by your own rules…"

DM Poster Quote:
“the answer to that big fat void in your life… is WANTED"



"did I prefer the graphic novel? sure - but both are great (and different)..."

sample dialogue:

Fox: I knew your father.
Wesley: My father died, [pause]
Wesley: the week I was born.
Fox: Your father died yesterday in the rooftop of the Metropolitan Building. He was one of the greatest assassins who ever lived.

And the other one is behind you...

P.S.
Wow, just seen The Guardian's Peter Bradshaw's review - talk about a sheep, sorry, a guy with a different and obviously valid opinion...
Guardian gets the wrong end of the comic book stick_review

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 'it's good to have Indy back' review

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (12a)

Dir. Steven Spielberg

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Legend says that a crystal skull was stolen from a mythical lost city in the Amazon, supposedly built out of solid gold, guarded by the living dead. It also says that whoever returns the skull to the city temple will be given control over its mind bending power. With a crack team of nasty Russians hot on the trail of the skull, there’s obviously only one person you want on your team if you’re going to try and save the day…
Step forward iconic archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones – okay so it may have been almost two decades since he last saw action but Indy is still the man for a job like this.
I love the original Indiana Jones trilogy passionately, in fact Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of my all time favourite movies, so it was with high anticipation that I watched the Crystal Skull. I wasn’t alone either as the two pals I went with had both dressed up as Indy complete with bull whips and hats!?

And the verdict…

Well, if you’re an Indiana Jones or any sort of action movie fan, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will put a big smile on your face. Harrison Ford is absolutely great, it’s like he never went away. I’m also pleased to report that all the classic ‘Indy’ elements are present and correct – impossible odds, booby-trapped temples, gunfights, fistfights, daring do and high action chases. Stephen Spielberg and George ‘sorry about the Phantom Menace’ Lucas reunite with their aging leading man to deliver a solid new entry in the series. Crystal Skull a cracking adventure and brings back some welcome faces and references from the past films, whilst also introducing some new key characters to the team such as Mutt Williams (Shia ‘Transformers’ LaBeouf).

I was keen to get the thoughts of my Indy impersonating mates Mike and Jason (whose favourite film of all time is still Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom). Reaction was mixed however with Mike being pleased with the new Indy entry whereas Jason was left “lukewarm”. For my part I really enjoyed Crystal Skull and whilst it isn’t perhaps quite as classic as the originals, it still stands head, shoulders and battered Fedora above rivals such as The Mummy or Tomb Raider flicks.

I’d even be keen to see Jones return once more – maybe ‘Indiana Jones and the Bus Pass of Oblivion’?


"in style..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
+ Nicely packed with references and pleasing plot elements

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ Nobody does it quite like Indy and he's still got it

Gratuitous Babeness: öööö (4)
- Not really into 'older women'

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)
- Over high expectations can make it seem weaker than it is

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
+ Cracks some class funnies!!

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
+ Indy is the man!!

Liable to make you:
"take up archaeology (again)!"

DM Poster Quote:
“Dr Jones will see you now..."

Southland Tales - the 'world ends with a bang' review

Southland Tales (15)

Dir. Richard Kelly

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

After a serious week of bible study and generally getting into a metaphysical space wherewith to commune better with God… at a place called SPRING HARVEST based in Butlins no less in Skegness even… I can tell you right away that the heady mix of spiritual teaching, dangerous water flumes, nasty junk food and chav accommodation left me ready to have my mind blown wide open in a new and dangerous way…

So I called to the Lord for a film to watch and lo, He did answer – He answered in a mysterious way… by meeting me in Morrisons and guiding me to their limited new DVD release section and in an act of unsurpassed divine wonderfulness – there it was that I found Southland Tales. This is a film that I’d wanted to see for some time (being a big fan of Kelly’s Donnie Darko) and having had my curiosity peaked by the critical mauling that it received at the Cannes Film Festival in 2006.

Did the Lord really want to speak to me through a film about a Porn Star named Krysta (Sarah Michelle Gellar) who might be psychic, a confused missing actor (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) and a rift in the time space continuum which may be responsible for multiple individuals and the end of the world? – it did indeed seem so… and this despite the intellectually challenged gibbering shop assistant who forgot to put the DVD in the case so I had to go back and slap her about a little for her mistake…
So I leapt into the incomprehensible, self-indulgent, fairly long but not too long universe of Southland Tales... It was a everything I had hoped and feared and more. There’s no easy way to describe the plot so I’m not going to bother, there is so much packed into it though - ice cream vans packed with weaponry for sale, a crazy large zeppelin and assorted military vehicles powered by a new energy source ‘fluid karma’, guns that can shoot around corners, TS Eliot and American politics, Justin Timberlake reading the book of Revelation whilst manning a huge computer controlled gun emplacement… A killer soundtrack which notched up some of my all time favourite tracks like Wave of Mutilation [UK Surf Version] by The Pixies backed up by other quality artists like Jane's Addiction, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and The Killers.



The film is amazing, a megaton sensory explosion of ideas and the film isn’t even the end or should I say beginning? You see Kelly being such a cool guy – a guy after my own heart / Darkmatters vision… He’s only gone and created 3 graphic novels which form prequels to the film, filling in delicious details of the three days leading up to the events of the film itself. The graphic novels (known as ‘Two Roads Divide, Fingerprints and The Mechanicals) are excellent – written by Kelly and illustrated in some fine style by Brett Weldele… worth getting even if you never watch the film!

Revelation 22:5 - For It Will Never Be Night Again, And They Would Not Need Lamp Light Or Sunlight, For the Lord God Will Be Shining On Them... And They Shall Reign Forever and Ever...

– see that Spring Harvest stuff sinks in!!



"Sarah Michelle Gellar... as a porn star? crumbs..."


DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (9)
- Amazing and strange, awesome and mind melting, like nothing ever seen before

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- Enough sporadic violence and tension to keep you on edge

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Sarah Michelle Gellar is still hot

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (7)
- Never dull but it might blight your mind!!

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)
- Very funny, darkly comic , superb really

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
- The world ends with a bang... You won’t want to miss it!

Liable to make you:
"pray for more from this talented writer / director"

DM Poster Quote:
“America takes a nuclear overload in the butt - nothing will be the same"

Click here to read: When Matt met Sarah Michelle Gellar

Darkmatters: H O M E

Never Back Down - the 'Amber Heard rocks' review

Never Back Down (15)

Dir. Jeff Wadlow

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

It’s a little known fact that film reviewers are often secret martial arts experts – me, I am an adherent of the MMA (Mixed Martial Arts). This is a combat sport where there are no holds barred, except eye gouging, biting and low blows. Sure the rigorous training regime is a bind but you should see my ripped abs!?

Seems I have much in common with the sexy young people of Never Back Down’s high school in Orlando, Florida where loveable bad boy Jake (Sean ‘the new Tom Cruise’ Faris) has had to move. On his first day he meets the comically named Baja (Amber ‘All the Boys Love Mandy Lane’ Heard) who is the super hot girlfriend of school bully / MMA champion Ryan McCarthy (Cam Gigandet).

Director Jeff ‘Cry Wolf’ Wadlow delivers a violent fantasy teen drama where everyone looks good, all the time, even after a serious beating. Never Back Down basically takes the Karate Kid plot and injects it with the O.C. lifestyle and some bone crunching Fight Club style bouts, plus more bikini clad babes than you’ll ever need to see.

Jean Roqua (Djimon ‘Blood Diamond’ Hounsou) takes on reluctant mentoring duties and the sweaty training montages come thick and fast. All of the characters are rock solid clichés including slightly chubby best friend Max (Evan Peters), annoying tennis protégé younger brother and mother who doesn’t understand why her son feels the need to fight… But in any film with the tag line ‘Everyone has their fight’, fighting isn’t really optional even if the non-fighting or training sections of screen time are mostly filled with YouTube clips, flash cars and partying babes. Speaking of babes, Amber Heard really is something special, I’m thinking a possible ‘American Keria Knightley’; you can see her later this year in ‘The Informers’ – the big screen treatment of the cult Bret Easton Ellis' novel.

Never Back Down is not big or clever and however much it proclaims that “fighting isn’t the answer”, you know that it will end with a one on one fight brutal enough to send a warning message to bullies the world over.
What more can I add except to quote the fabulously named ‘Baja’ who says at one point: "Walking away and giving up are not the same thing." Fortunately neither of those options appeal much to heroic but misunderstood Jake and it is a pure guilty pleasure watching the fireworks go off!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
- Limited thinking required, except if it is 'wow look at her' or 'ouch, that's got to hurt!'

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- The fight scenes are seriously crunching

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööööö (9)
- Amber Heard is a goddess

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Limited dullness but some very stupid scenes

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- Funny in parts, even when it's not meant to be!

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- All adrenalin rush fights and good looking teens...

Liable to make you:
"take up MMA"

DM Poster Quote:
“don't be a pussy... sometimes you have to fight!"


"Amber Heard - almost wearing a dress!"

"Amber looking good in GQ magazine"

See more of Amber Heard here:
Amber Heard -New Film Hottie

Darkmatters: H O M E

Rollin with the Nines - review (love that car chase!)

Rollin with the Nines (18)

Dir. Julian Gilbey

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Car chases eh? I’m a sucker for a good car chase but it seems that they come few and far between these days. Personal favourite car chase scenes include the edge of your seat thrillers from Bullit, Ronin, Bourne, Matrix Reloaded and even Bad Boys 2 but as that last example might illustrate, a great car chase can be found in a not so great movie and that’s what we have with Rollin with the Nines.

This movie from director Julian ‘Rise of the Footsoldier’ Gilbey has a superbly constructed, filmed and executed car chase which features a customised Golf V6 being pursued through British woodlands at high speed by some dodgy cops in what looks like a Vectra? This is a really cool scene and it shows progression from the ‘test run’ version of a similar chase that is included on the ‘Nines’ DVD extras as a short film called ‘Driver’, although that 4 minute chase is almost worth getting the DVD out for on it’s own!!

Anyway – the exciting car chase and a decent (and very bloody) shoot out in a crack house are the only scenes of any real merit in this nasty crime thriller that suffers from weak acting (from a not untalented cast) across the board.

Gilbey can direct, and if you like this I'd urge you to check out ‘Footsoldiers’ as it shows that he’s on the cusp of making a fully decent movie – I’m going to be waiting in anticipation of what he does next…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
- Gangsta fans might rate this higher.

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- Very cool car chase and tense gunfight...

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)
- Naomi Taylor is pretty hot

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Some of the dialogue is painful.

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- Not much comedy here.

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- Rollin with the sixes...

Liable to make you:
"Think twice before launching into a career selling drugs"

DM Poster Quote:
“Crime does not pay, but it does look exciting speeding away from the Filth in a stolen car"

Watch the car chase here:

Jumper - review

"see the movie - travel the world from the cinema!"

Jumper (12a)

Dir. Doug Liman

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Go anywhere, do anything – there really are no limits…
Welcome to a reality where in addition to us normal types, there are also folks who can ‘jump’ and I don’t mean as in ‘hop, skip and…’, I mean teleport across any distance in an instant. For these lucky few - no traffic jams, no airport check ins or even queuing in line to pay for goods, the only downside is that they are remorselessly hunted by a fanatical group sworn to wipe their kind from the face of the earth.
Director Doug ‘Bourne Identity’ Liman has made his ‘jump’ to sci-fi after delivering the achingly cool ‘Go’, the laugh out loud ‘Swingers’ and the action packed ‘Mr. and Mrs Smith’. Jumper sees hero David Rice (Hayden Christensen who’ll be back on screen soon in another sci-fi blast – Neuromancer) discovering he has the ability to teleport to any place that he can visualise. Obviously the first thing he does is to pop into his local bank and make a sizable withdrawal from their locked vault. However his new highflying, or should I say jumping, lifestyle is jeopardised when he’s visited by a Paladin named Roland (Samuel L. Jackson on auto ‘bad-guy’ pilot mode) who wants him dead. From then on Rice has little choice but to team up with a fellow Jumper named Griffin (Jamie Bell) who was orphaned by the Paladins and has spent his life fighting back on behalf of Jumpers.
Also on hand is a rather delicious love interest Millie (Rachel ‘The O.C.’ Bilson) who has a knack of getting herself captured or generally imperilled at the most unhelpful times. So cue much jumping, fighting and pondering the metaphysical unlikelihood of all this dimensional shifting (the plot is based on the Steven Gould novel). There are some superb location shots ranging from The Sphinx, The Eiffel Tower, Griffin’s dessert based hideaway etc – pick of the bunch being an impromptu fight in the Coliseum in Rome.
Jumper slaps a lot of very cool elements together including some top notch special ‘jumping’ effects from the people behind The Matrix but ultimately it doesn’t quite deliver on the sum of its parts. For me Jumper needed a bit more bite and seemed overly restrained by the twelve certificate. It’s possible a lot of ten year olds are going to love this and marvel at how a jumper who could go anywhere chooses to chill with his Playstation 3 when not fighting Paladins but I’m filing this as ‘okay’ rather than great.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
- Mind bending concept and some fun to be had.

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
- There's action but it's rarely 'tasty'...

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööööö (9)
- Rachel Bilson is a hottie!

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööö (4)
- A little but it all tends to crack along at a fair pace

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Some scenes will have you laughing

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- Good rather than great but worth watching none-the-less

Liable to make you:
"Wanna be able to 'jump', realise you can't, so instead reach for the travel brochure"

DM Poster Quote (just because I've been playing SingStar with my kids?):
“I get up, and nothing gets me down. You got it tough but I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real...
Oh can't you see me standing here, I've got my back against the record machine.
I aint the worst that youve seen. Oh cant you see what I mean ?
Might as well jump.
Might as well jump!”


"this isn't a shot from the film but it certainly shows off miss Bilson very nicely!"

Matt Adcock Meets Rachel Bilson - read it here

Darkmatters: H O M E

Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence

Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence (TBA)

Dir. Dan Cregan

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

As my dear mum said to me at an early age "everyone has violence in them", it just seems that ‘Princess’ voiced by Paula Garcés has more than most though – she’s the 12-year-old star of this stunning short animated prequel to the forthcoming full feature film ‘Red Princess Blues’.

Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence is the work of Dan Cregan - Creative Director of the visual effects house known as ‘Numb Robot’ and it comes on like Elektra Assassin: the early years meets MTV’s The Maxx.

Filmed from the point of view of ‘Princess’, this is the scene-setting tale of how she discovers the ‘Book of Violence’ and her seemingly innate talent for handling weaponry… which bodes well for a possible rampaging orgy of vengeance that we can look forward to in the main film. Think Natalie Portman in ‘Leon’ preparing to be something like Anne Parillaud in 'Nikita' (two of my favourite films there) = high expectations!!

The animation on offer here is impressive; bringing a unique style, which I hope, will be mirrored in the live action feature film. As tasters go Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence certainly whets the appetite and should certainly be checked out by anyone who enjoys anime / adult friendly animation. This is seven minutes you will not forget in a hurry!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
- Sets the scene nicely...

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- Palpable tension

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
- Princess is likely to be hot when she's grown up in the main film!

Mind Blight / Boredom: öö (2)
- Only 7 mins so no time to be dull

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- Not going for a comedy vibe

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- A strong and intreguing prequel

Liable to make you:
"poke around your nearest bookshop - looking for books of violence"

DM Poster Quote:
“Some people have a talent for violence... meet Princess”


"Open with caution - this is the 'book of violence'"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Cloverfield - review

Cloverfield (15)

Dir. Matt Reeves

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

After standing strong in the face of terrible terrorist atrocities and soul destroying stock market crashes, New York has finally been comprehensively taken apart and there’s absolutely nothing we can do… except record it on camcorder of course.

Cloverfield is a film that I have been really looking forward to, and this is without knowing virtually anything about it. So hats off to a fantastic marketing campaign which has used the web in a way that only perhaps The Blair Witch Project has managed before –drip-feeding film fans with tasty snippets of info. Of course the carefully ‘leaked’ money shot of the Statue of Liberty’s head being blown off and smashing to earth in a residential Manhattan street help up expectations somewhat – and now finally the mystery is unveiled on the big screen.

If you don’t know any of the plot and want to keep it that way skip now to the end paragraph which begins with ** - Cloverfield you see is a monster movie par excellence and it’s better the less you know about it.

It seems that something somewhere (be that the depths of the ocean, in the darkness of outer space or from a scientific testing ground) has been watching Godzilla flicks and thought ‘I could do that’ – a case for the corrupting influence of films perhaps? So we get a large angry mutant alien of some kind laying waste to New York. Nobody knows why but that doesn’t really matter – we get to witness the attack through the viewpoint of ‘everyguy’ Hud (T.J. Miller – no you probably haven’t heard of him) who handily wields a virtually indestructible camcorder with battery life which Duracell can only dream of. It all kicks off during the farewell party for ‘nice and slightly heroic guy’ Rob (Michael Stahl-David – nope not heard of him either), who is off to Japan for a dream career move. Seems he’s gone and fallen for his best friend, ‘good looking but vacant’ Beth (Odette Yustman – who?), so when the creature’s attack leaves her trapped and injured, Rob has to do the macho thing and risk life and limb to try and save her.

** Director Matt Reeves has teamed up with ‘Lost’ genius J.J. Abrams and the result is the best slice of big screen monster mayhem that you’ve seen for some time, but it might not please everyone. Prepare yourself for an overload of shaky ‘on the run’ camera angles and seemingly unscripted dialogue. Cloverfield is a love story at heart and whilst some of the people who I saw this with expressed a wish to see more of the uninvited party crasher, this is no Godzilla 2. In fact one ‘loudly whingeing cinemagoer’ Kate John told me that she’d “never been so bored, but liked the bit where the monster went ‘raaagh!’” – Hhhmmm, make of that what you will…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
- keeps you guessing and gripped...

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- some monster mash but mostly 'people in peril' - please just keep the damn camera still!?

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)
- unknown cuties ahoy...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööö (3)
- somepeople seemed to find it dull, I wasn't one of them!?

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Couple of funny moments

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- When the world ends... It will be on tape baby!!

Liable to make you:
“invest in a camcorder 'just in case'"

DM Poster Quote:
“see that creature on You Tube? It wants a word with you... ”


"that's so freaky even the poster girl is checking it out!?"

Darkmatters: H O M E