Darkmatters Review: The Dictator

The Dictator (15)

Dir. Larry Charles

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Aladeen my friends – welcome to the nation state of Wadiya, I am you benevolent Dictator Admiral General Aladeen, and it is I who keep everything Aladeen in this great place.

The Dictator (Sacha Baron Cohen) breaks from the mockumentary style of the hilariously provocative Borat and the amusingly offensive Brüno – and delivers a slick fish out of water romantic comedy that hits with a powerful political subtext.

Starting in the fictitious North African country Wadiya where General Aladeen rules with an infantile mind and an iron fist. He is Indulged with his every wish – including sexual liaisons with nearly every high profile female (and some males) on the planet. But even obscene affluence can’t prevent him having to travel to the USA in order to appease the United Nations who are sniffing around his rogue nuclear weapons programme.

"off with his head!"

In the land of the free the General falls from power after being left for dead and usurped by a dim body double backed by a traitorous Official Tamir (Ben Kingsley). Then to make matters worse he meets his love match in an eco-warrior feminist named Zoey (Anna Faris), who owns an over the top green shop staffed by comically stereosocial misfits and oppressed foreigners.

How will the idiot Dictator survive? Can he possibly get his position back and prevent the plans for Wadiya to be made into a free democracy? The new proposed political constitution for the country though is simply a front for oil sales - hhhmm, that’s a bit far fetched right? Surely no countries are being manipulated by force or politics to part with their natural resources…

Baron Cohen brings a ton of weapons grade cultural critique comedy, including unforgettable scene such as the mother of all misunderstandings during a helicopter tour where a white American couple think Aladeen is planning his own 911 attack.

"promo shot for the film - tough gig"

The Dictator is as wildly un-politically correct as we’ve come to expect from Cohen and completely sexist too (e.g. Zoey is mercilessly referred to as a hairy little hobbit boy due to her unshaved armpits and lack of boobs). There are also many unnecessary gross out moments too but overall despite the odd misstep the quality laughs come thick and fast enough – and pack enough political barb – to make this a worthy addition to Cohen’s cannon of films and the new benchmark for comedies in 2012.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö - Totally Aladeen, if you don't Aladeen this film you are Aladeen!!

4 – dissenting opinions and voices on this film will be hushed up!

Awesomeness öööö – unforgettable comedy scenes

Laughs öööö – an unauthorised non government sanctioned laugh riot

Horror ööö – decapitated head played for laughs!? yep!

Babes ööö – bieng Aladeen has its benefits!

Spiritual Enlightenment öö – Aladeen wills it...

"Anna Faris - looking for a good time!?"

Darkmatters Review: The Raid

The Raid (18)

Dir. Gareth Evans

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“We did not come here to do good…”

Caution: This film contains unhealthy levels of AWESOME

Deep in the heart of Jakarta’s slums lies an impenetrable safe house for the world’s most dangerous killers and gangsters.

Until now, the run-down urban apartment block has been considered untouchable to even the bravest of police. But cloaked under the cover of pre-dawn darkness, an elite SWAT team is tasked with raiding the safe house in order to take down the notorious drug lord that runs it – with extreme prejudice…

"death is close..."

Hard as nails and flexible as an Olympic Gymnast - Iko Uwais stars as Rama, a member of the SWAT team, who quickly sees the apartment block turn into a mass police grave as the tooled up criminals demonstrate just why no rival gang has ever survived trying to assault the building. The block is such a festering hive of scum and villainy - sanctuary to killers, gangs, rapists and thieves seeking accommodation in the one place they know they cannot be touched by the law.

So that’s the plot of The Raid, and the simple premised is perfect as the backdrop to some of the most frantic, brutal battle action and violence ever to hit the screen. Think Die Hard only with crunching martial arts fights that stand alongside anything you’ve ever seen – the thrill inducing, breathless mix of action is pulse pounding adrenalin heaven for fans of films like Hard Boiled or Ong Bak or indeed the Die Hard films.

"this way for the Britain's Got Talent - armed rehearsals"

Everything just ‘works’ really well here – the grimy visual look adds to the squalid feel of the battleground, whilst the jump cut camerawork cracks a visual punch harder than the fists and feet that connect with the combatant’s bodies. The Raid borders on action perfection throughout and deserves to be entered into the all time hall of action movie fame.

If you’ve ever enjoyed a goodies vs baddies film and can stomach some serious gunplay and righteous beatings then you should make The Raid the next film you see.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö - Five Star Ass Kicking Fun!

5 – blows other action films away in style

Awesomeness ööööö – unforgettable action violence

Laughs öö – not really a laugh riot

Horror öööö – nasty in places, lots of 'ooh that's got to hurt' moments

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö – somethings are worth fighting for

"the Call of Duty training paid off in the field"

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Darkmatters Review: Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD (18) 

 Dir. John Gulager

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (a version of this review also available at The Luton News)

One, two, three four five, once I caught a fish alive.

Six, seven, eight nine ten, then I ARRRGggghhhh the little fish are biting me!!

If you ventured to see Piranha 3D (the remake of Joe Dante’s 1978 horror comedy) then you’ll probably recall that the mean little fishes attacked loads of good looking bathers on a Spring Break at Lake Victoria…

Now it seems that the toothy menace have swarmed through underground lakes and pipes to arrive at a tacky water park called ‘The Big Wet’ where bathing suits are optional... Cue more bloodthirsty piranha on human munchings – all in rather pointless 3D again.

Say what you like about Piranha 3D but it was a well-made and generally fun horror chomp-em-up which boasted a great cast and a highly gratuitous naked cameo from Kelly Brook. It also inspired a half decent knock off Shark Night 3D which was basically Jaws in the everglades.

Piranha 3DD isn’t blessed with anything like the budget of the last film and it really shows – there are copious ‘filler’ shots of murky underwater weeds gently wafting in the undercurrent for goodness sake – these really weaken the overall experience and don’t even serve to highlight the limited horror action as this also feels paired down from before.

"my what big teeth you have..."

Director John Gulager was responsible for the cult horror classic Feast but he’s all at sea with this sequel, which is cheap, nasty and fails to satisfy. The best thing about Piranha 3DD is a well judged cameo by David Hasselhoff who plays himself and gets the best lines including the worryingly accurate ‘Welcome to rock bottom!’ which could have been an ad-lib.

The slight plot sees the build up to the low rent fish attack on the water park as an excuse to shoehorn in some sporadic strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, bad language and drug use. You feel sorry for the cast who include the gorgeous Katrina Bowden, not because they’re characters are likely to get eaten but that this poor film will forever be on their CVs…

"this waterpark brings people and fishes together"

Piranha 3DD is seriously tacky and is unlikely to please anyone. It simply doesn’t do enough to satisfy fans of the first film and certainly won’t win any new followers. I can’t recommend this on any level but if you really must see it be sure to lower your expectations suitably.


Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ö - the words 'oh dear' spring to mind but extra star for having The Hoff in it

2 – one of the worst films of 2012 (so far)

Awesomeness öö – lame effort fumbles the franchise

Laughs öö – unintentional bad acting, couple of funnies with The Hoff

Horror öööö – some serious gore but not as well done as original

Babes öööö – Bowden is absolutely gorgeous (as always)!

Spiritual Enlightenment 0 – absolutely none

"why am I in this film again?"

"Katrina Bowden - looking good in FHM too"

Darkmatters Review - American Pie: Reunion

American Pie: Reunion (15)

Dir. Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?”

“Not us, our generation, we were more mature.”

So who’s up for another slice of American Pie? Sure it’s slightly over the ‘best before’ date but hey it’s been 13 years since the original film.

For those who haven’t partied with the lovable loser Jim (Jason Biggs), nice but dim Oz (Chris Klein), enigmatic mum-seducing Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas), average bloke Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas), and maverick party guy Stifler (Seann William Scott) – the gang are reunited for their 13 yr high school reunion.

So what has life brought for the gang? Well Jim is still married to Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) and they have a little boy but are finding that parenthood is killing their sex lives and it’s taking a toll on their relationship.

Oz has made it as a big shot sportscaster with a supermodel girlfriend Mia (the super hot Katrina Bowden), Finch has been ‘finding himself’ by globetrotting and Kevin is a stay at home husband.

But one of the guys hasn’t changed at all – yes Stifler – he’s working as a temp and still causing offense everywhere he goes. He’s also still the funniest thing in American Pie universe by a mile.

American Pie: Reunion is a massively nostalgic flick that refers to the 1999 antics again and again, which is OK for a while but gets a little one note after a bit. Having said that, if you loved the original then this will certainly please you as it is every bit as crude, filthy and sporadically funny as before.

The level of nudity, swearing and sexual references have been upped considerably – which made the Church Leader I saw this with very uncomfortable… But if you’re a fan of such things then you’ll almost certainly laugh out loud a few times thanks to the funnies provided by the Harold & Kumar team who direct here.

Stifler steals every scene he’s in with his unhinged sexist fratboy charisma, when he’s not pooing in someone’s beer cooler he’s flirting with every female with a pulse. The others are really just supporting cast but they all seem to be having a blast and it’s hard not to get carried along for the ride.

It’s not big or very clever but as I said, if you’ve seen the other American Pie films then you kind of owe it to yourself to see how it all ends (although if this makes enough cash they’ll probably make more!?).

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö

3 – Take a mark off if you've not seen the original(s)

Awesomeness öö – nothing spectacular

Laughs öööö – rude and silly but funny too

Horror öö – Stifler gets into some dubious stuff

Babes ööööö – Bowden is absolutely gorgeous but there are other hotties too!

Spiritual Enlightenment öö – growing up can suck but is worth it?

The AP crew... as they were!?

Katrina Bowden - all good from behind...

Darkmatters Review: Disgaea 3 - Absence of Detention

Darkmatters Review: Disgaea 3 - Absence of Detention

PSVITA

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


Mortal strategy game fan – you are required to report to the Netherworld of Disgaea (say “DIS – GAIA”) where the wackiest, most hard-core strategic battling awaits you…

I have to declare an interest here, I’ve spent hundreds of hours playing Disgaea games – from the original on the PS2, the sequel (also PS2), the nice re-releases of both on the PSP, the cool DS version and of course the high quality 3rd and 4th entries on the PS3. Until getting this version though my favourite has been Disgaea: Hour of Darkness but now the humorous demonic fun hits the PSVITA and the good news is that this is the best Disgaea yet!!

The VITA version is an enhanced version of part 3 ‘Absence of Detention’ which includes over £30 of downloadable content from the PS3 version as standard. Good times!

The developers NIS must be smoking something good as they consistently come up with crazy plots, characters and missions that make everything else look dull and safe by comparison.

The plot takes you to a freaky school called the Evil Academy where being bad is the way to progress. You play as Mao - son of a great Overlord of the Netherworld on a mission to take him down because he trod on your game console (looks a lot like demons rock PSPs), causing the loss of over a million hours of saved gameplay. Understandably - the only recourse is the kill him!!

Underneath the abundance of sexy female characters, evil monsters, insecure heroes and generally odd enemies, Disgaea 3 packs probably the most refined battle system since chess. Sure Final Fantasy Tactics has aped it and games like Advance Wars do something similar with military vehicles etc but if it’s dungeon crawling, levelling up and seriously laugh out loud funny dialogue you want – nothing comes to this.

The basic drill is to create an army of customised members which you can adapt to how you want to play e.g. a team of thieves packing guns backed up with healing magic users or maybe a sword wielding ‘tank’ character who is buffed to almost untouchable levels and has learnt devastating magically enhanced attacks? A lot of the fun is that you can pick your own people / monsters, name them, level them up to virtually infinite amounts.

There is much fun in wandering around the school base – assigning team members seats in classroom (those sitting near each other are more likely to help each other on the battlefield), buying and selling, creating new characters and talking with the host of non player characters. But the real joy comes from the battles – where you assign actions to each of your team in order to defeat whatever enemies are to hand.

"Crazy amounts of damage inflicted? Oh yes!"

The main campaign is deep and long – especially as this version has the DLC alternative story included for no extra cost. Levels are well designed and have been honed from the previous Disgaea games with small improvements that add to the playability. In addition each weapon and item in the game can be ‘entered’ where you’ll find 100+ levels which if you make it through will power up the item… It’s here that you can lose yourself in many, many hours of fighting.

Hats must be taken off to NIS as they have worked hard to make the VITA version of Disgaea something really really special. The graphics look even better than on the PS3 thanks to the smaller screen, cameos from characters from the other Disgaea games can be found – even confusingly from part 4 and there are some great new quests and bosses to work through.

The VITA unique touch screens both front and back are used really well, and there is even a wholly new GPS functionality that boosts your experience points as you travel around in the real world!? Plus integration with the PlayStation Network lets you see how your friends are doing...  Comprehensive and brilliant – this is a shining example of how an already released game can be buffed up and made even better for the VITA.

If you’re a strategy game fan and you’ve never played Disgaea – drop what you’re doing and go and buy a VITA and this (or download from the PSN). Disgaea 3: Absence of Detention is a master-class in portable gaming finesse and packs so much to do that you’ll likely still be playing it this time next year. 


Until the much wished for Disgaea multiplayer online wargame gets made – this is the very definition of a ‘must play’ experience and sets the bar very high for all future PS3 to VITA remakes.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters: 

ööööö 


5 – Best Disgaea Yet!!

"obsessive fans dress up like the characters!?"

Review: The Grind

The Grind (15)

Dir. Rishi Opel

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (you can also read a version of this review over at Frank The Monkey)


Oi you muppet – didn’t I see you down The Grind?

Don’t mouth me off, you’re in big trouble, big Dave wants his cash back and you owe him a lot…

Meet Vince (Freddie Connor) – geezer and nightclub manager of ‘The Grind’ – a low rent club in Hackney, East London that is doing very nicely thank you. So Vince thinks it’s time to settle down and take life easier but fate has other ideas.

You see that loser type over there? That’s Bobby (Gordon Alexander), Vince's best mate from school, he’s just been released from prison and it’s looking like he’s going to drag Vince down if he’s not careful.

Bobby's on the cocaine and packing some serious gambling debts to Vince's boss, Dave, owner of The Grind / evil East End loan shark.

The whole mate who owes bad people large money plot has been done before – perhaps most memorably in Martin Scorsese’s Mean Streets but these lively London chaps do the time worn tale justice with some committed performances backed up with above average camerawork and a delicious growing sense of tangible menace throughout.

"you have the right to try and act like a gangsta"

Low budget Brit gangster flicks are dime a dozen and often not worth the time of day, ‘The Grind’ however somehow manages to stand out in the crowded genre – and there’s no sign of Danny Dyer either…

One of the best things here are some fun cameos from Dynamo (the street magician of ‘Dynamo: Magician Impossible’) and Sway (MOBO award winning British grime artist of ‘Level Up’ fame).

The Grind plays some actors against type e.g. Danny John-Jules (you might recognise as ‘Cat’ from Red Dwarf) and the few women (Zoe Tapper and Kellie Shirley) on the scene are great – sexy, stylish and very watchable but neither get enough screen time.

The production values are much better than expected in this sort of flick, yeah the dialogue ranges from the quotable to the poor “Cappuccino – go easy on the froth” but it works. There’s action too and when it kicks off you’ll feel the as the crunching heist scene is one to savor for crime film fans everywhere.

So against all the odds The Grind ends up being a decent crim-em-up drama. If the thought of taking a ride to through the seedy underbelly that lurks on the mean streets of London then this is a DVD you'll want to check. Be careful who your friends are though and never underestimate a desperate man…

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö 

4 – Opel does a great job with an obviously tiny budget and marks himself out as a director to watch.

"Kellie Shirley reporting for duty"

Darkmatters Review: Avengers Assemble

Avengers Assemble (12a)

Dir. Joss Whedon

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Hulk?

Smash!!”

Comic book fans the world over rejoice and behold the Avengers – the ultimate superhero team – finally unleashed on the big screen in an epic super-smackdown that sets a new standard for all superhero films.

The team is made up of Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Captain America (Chris Evans), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and their leader Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Samuel L. Jackson).

Marvel have been working hard to set up this heavy-duty hero-em-up with several main character films giving us the background on the characters and Avengers Assemble is the pay-off. The hype has been building, expectations are super high and several directors turned down the film citing it being too big a job to effectively bring all the characters to life in one film. But cometh the hour, cometh Joss ‘Serenity’ Whedon and he’s flippin hit a super-powered home run!

The world is under threat from baddie demigod Loki (Tom ‘War Horse’ Hiddleston) – you know he’s the god of mischief and half brother of Thor. It seems he has teamed up with alien race the Chitauri, nabbed a powerful energy source called the Tesseract and plans to conquer earth.

The big question is can our heroes learn to get along so that they can team up to battle the alien invaders, defeat Loki, wrestle back the Tesseract and save the world? There is much fun in watching to find out!

Avengers Assemble brings plenty of hero on hero pain which is a joy to see – Thor vs Iron Man is a particularly grin inducing fight. We film goers should count ourselves blessed that we live in an age where CGI special effects can really deliver the earth shaking effects of super powered beings beating the living daylights out of each other!?

Writer / Director Whedon also brings a great deal of heart and some superb comedy dialogue to the party too which really adds to the involvement. There are many laugh out loud scenes which help balance the super battling (which is absolutely awesome by the way).

Iron Man might get the best lines including: “Dr. Banner, your work is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.” But Mark Ruffalo’s Bruce Banner / Hulk steals the movie and his brief one on one fight scene with Loki is an instant all time classic.

"ultimate super hero team up - oh yes!"

Avengers Assemble delivers everything you want it to - big time - and packs a dangerous amount of thrills. Multiple viewings recommended!!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö

5 – Awesome fun and mucho tasty super action!

Awesomeness ööööö – you'll never forget some of these scenes!!

Laughs ööö – very amusing in many places

Horror ö – not too nasty at all

Babes ööööö – Scarlett Johansson is scorching hot!

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö – take one for the team!?

"not just a pretty face!"

Read another cool review of AVENGERS ASSEMBLE over at CULTURESLAP

Darkmatters Review: Irvine Welsh’s Ecstasy

Irvine Welsh’s Ecstasy (18)

Dir. Rob Heyden

Reviewed by Matt Adcock  (X @cleric20, Bluesky @cleric20.bsky.social)

Can it really be fifteen years since the awesome Trainspotting put Scotland and drugs on the big screen in a smart, funny and engaging masterpiece based on the ground-breaking novel by Irvine Welsh.

Welsh followed up Trainspotting with a load of similar styled (but lesser) novels which included Ecstasy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance in 1996. Ecstasy tried hard to be a ‘Trainspotting for the E generation’ and now we have the cinematic adaptation of one of its short stories - The Undefeated…

‘Don’t do drugs’ is the message of a generation and Welsh has fun digs at the oppressive government’s happiness-crushing policy but it all feels a bit ‘been there and seen this before.’

"pink hair vs schoolgirl club stereotype outfits"

Anyway, meet Lloyd (Adam ‘Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj’ Sinclair) – he’s pushing 30 and living for the weekend. His job is drug smuggling E’s from Amsterdam for a dodgy club boss Solo (Carlo ‘Saw V’ Rota), his life mostly a blur of drugged-up happiness. But despite the drugs, music and frantic sex with younger women – pick of the bunch being gorgeous newcomer Olivia Andrup as party girl Hazel – Lloyd’s life is shallow and unfulfilling.

Everything changes when he meets and falls for classy Canadian Heather (Kristin ‘Chuck’ Kreuk), she’s trapped in rubbish marriage to a pig headed loser and quite likes the novelty of the club scene. Is there love in the offing or will the drugs get in the way?

I remember reading the novel when it came out and being a little disappointed – alas that’s exactly how I felt about the film version too. Director Rob Heydon tries to visualise Welsh's material but doesn't have Danny Boyle's style. It’s a bit easy to spot what’s coming next just by noticing who gets introduced at the start…

"it's all in the eyes..."

The club scenes are probably the highlights with some great tunes from the likes of Orbital and Primal Scream but you can take so many shots of people jumping around pretending to be off their nuts before you just get a bit bored.

Overall it's a game low budget effort but stands in the shadow of the excellent Human Traffic if you want a club-em-up.   


Overall Ecstasy is a trip you don’t need to take, it begins with a mild high but when the rush wears off and all you’re left with is regret at having wasted your cash and a headache.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö

3 – The drugs don't work... very well!?

Awesomeness ööö– the fast-forward sex scene is fun

Laughs öö – occasional smile raised

Horror ööö – a very grim drug overdose is par for the course

Spiritual Enlightenment ö – just say 'no'

>>> Imagine a world where the earth is becoming hell?

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Review: Griff the Invisible

Griff the Invisible (15)

Dir. Leon Ford

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Meet humble Griff - office worker by day, superhero by night!?

Griff the Invisible has all the hallmarks of a entry into the awesome genre of ‘home made superheroes’ populated by the excellent Kick Ass and Super… But does this new hero make the grade or is he a wannabe destined to be beaten to a pulp by angry viewers demanding more?

It’s your average tale of Griff (Ryan ‘True Blood’ Kwanten) – your everyday office worker, in an everyday town, his life isn’t all that, bullied by asshole co-worker Tony (Toby Schmitz) and with only his overly protective brother for a pal.

But in the tormented psych of young Griff – he has a secret identity which sees him roaming the dark streets protecting the innocent and the vulnerable from the dangers that lurk in the shadows - he is the hero, Griff the Invisible.

Increasingly concerned by Griff's eccentric behaviour, his brother (Patrick Brammall) attempts to draw him back into the 'real world'. In doing so he introduces Griff to Melody (Maeve Dermody) an equally eccentric and charming girl.

Fascinated by Griff's idiosyncrasies, which are equal only to her own, Melody begins to fall for Griff. As Griff is forced to face up to realities of a mundane world, it is up to Melody to help Griff for the sake of their love.

"wait - you're not Kick Ass?"

Griff the Invisible is actually less ‘super hero’ and more slightly lame romantic comedy and feels like bit of a missed opportunity from debut feature film writer / director Leon Ford.

As we know – with great power comes great responsibility but if you have no power you have to make up for it with wit, skill, courage or maybe a fortune to buy funky gadgets. Griff alas is no Batman (fortune / gadgets), Superman (powers) or even Kick Ass (wit and courage)… but he does take his superhero duty seriously as he says - "It's not a choice, it's a responsibility!"

Melody is a fair match for hapless Griff – it’s just a shame that this film gets bogged down in melodrama with a love triangle of Griff, Melody, and Tim which isn’t engaging. There are no climactic thrills here – Griff the Invisible is an OK quirky romance film at best – just not a very satisfying super-em-up!?


Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öö1/2


2.5 – underpowered and more than a little sloppy but interesting

"Maeve Dermody hits the beach"

Darkmatters Review: The Cabin In The Woods

The Cabin In The Woods (15)

Dir. Drew Goodard

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

You think you know the story - five teen friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, bad things start to happen.

So what is the secret lurking beneath the stereotypical creepy cabin? … And perhaps more importantly - who will survive and what will be left of them?

The Cabin In The Woods begins as pitch perfect horror in the vein of so many teens in peril set ups that horror fans know so well. But because this is being produced by fanboy favourite Joss ‘Firefly’ Whedon and collaborator / Director Drew ‘writer of Cloverfield’ Goodard things soon take a jaw dropping and highly amusing turn which rips the rug from underneath the viewers.

All is very much not what it seems – and in the interests of not wanting to dilute the pure pleasure of seeing and working it all out for yourself I will not explain anything, just to say that you might never watch a reality TV show in quite the same way ever again.

"What big teeth you have..."

The main cast are obviously having a good time, including Chris ‘Thor’ Hemsworth as alpha male Curt, Jesse Williams as the brainy Holden and a cracking turn from Fran Kranz as dope head Marty (imagine Shaggy from Scooby Doo – just even more wasted!). The girls are represented by the slutty blonde (Anna ‘Yellow Power Ranger’ Hutchison) and the stereotypical cute virgin Jules Dana (Kristen Connolly). These five make up the trusty 5 teens whose life expectancy doesn’t look too good – but also on hand are some nefarious corporate types embodied by Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford.

What The Cabin In The Woods does best is balance some serious disturbing gore and horror with some fantastically well observed laugh out loud comedy moments. It is this knowing interplay between the two that makes the film romp along so well - dragging the audience screaming with equal parts shock and delight in it’s wake.

"Evil Dead Style Cabin for Sale..."

Yes it gets pretty nasty at points and I certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone squeamish or easily disturbed taking a trip in these woods but for horror fans looking to have their worlds shaken up by a game-changing blast of scary endorphin stimulation – this might be the best horror film to hit for years!

Spotting the masses of horror film references throughout is a fun additional bonus whilst the climax is so Cthulhu inspired and over the top that this is one freak-em-up thrill show you’ll never forget.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:


öööö1/2

4.5 – Classy horror comedy fusion!!

Awesomeness öööö – monster mash up climax is unforgettable

Laughs öööö – really funny

Horror öööö – grissly n grim in places

Babes öööö – Hutchinson is yummy, Connolly is yummy too

Spiritual Enlightenment ö – don't trust the puppet masters

"hotpants and fire = hot stuff?"

"Connolly"

Darkmatters Review: Battleship

Battleship (12a)

Dir. Peter Berg

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“BOOM!”

This is both an actual line of dialogue and a surprisingly accurate plot description of this heavy-duty navy vs aliens artillery-em-up…

Boom – see Taylor ‘John Carter’ Kitsch misbehave as the maverick Naval Officer Alex Hopper, he’s a bad boy but might he just be the guy we need to save the world?

Boom – see Rihanna bring her own brand of not really being able to act to the screen as hotshot Naval Gunner Raikes (yep it’s she who gets the line “BOOM!”

"you can stand under my MASSIVE BATTLESHIP GUN!"

Boom - actress and former Sports Illustrated model Brooklyn Decker steams up every scene she’s in as a scorching hot Admiral’s daughter / love interest for Alex.

Boom – marvel at the evil aliens who look like Master Chief from Halo in their armour and like a freak show bearded Matt Lucas when unmasked.

Boom – cringe at the hockey storyline, then remember to put your brain in neutral and just lap up the big budget destruction…

Boom – wonder how much Liam Neeson got paid to put aside his dignity and sign up for this (and probably an infinite number of sequels)?

"transformers ATTACK!"

Boom – cheer for the veteran granddads who step up to help save the day with their old school battleship.

Boom – gasp as for a full five minutes the screen is entirely just a bunch of co-ordinates with the commanders shouting things like “E9” and “Miss”…

You know - for all the boom-tastic pic-n-mix elements that make up Battleship, it is a lot of fun to watch and got a rare 10/10 from my youngest son James. If you have any love for transformers style, big scale aliens vs humans or just cheesy military gung-ho action flicks, go see Battleship it's a blast!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö

3 – Boom boom boom!

Awesomeness öööö – battle scenes on the awesome

Laughs ööö – some of the acting is stupidly funny

Horror öö – some of the acting is scarily bad

Babes öööö – Brooklyn Decker is superhot, Rhianna also looks good

Spiritual Enlightenment ö – these high intelligences don't come in peace

"Decker in her previous job"

Sexism in Games vs Hypocrisy

OK in games, not so much in real life?

Matt Adcock

This week saw video game developers showing off their latest games / announcements at PAX - see the new trailer for Mortal Kombat VITA below for an e.g.:

And while you're wondering why they didn't pick any of the male characters to promote the game you can be sure that as long as there are game geeks to sell to - there will be girls hired to 'be' the video game characters on the booths / or just stand around looking sexy to promote the game and attract the gamers to their stand...

Jessica Nigri was at PAX to 'be' the character from the upcoming game Lollipop Chainsaw - wearing the outlandish costumes from the game:

"cheerleader + chainsaw + zombies =??"

Objectified as a cliched male fantasy cheerleader was deemed OK... But Nigiri’s next outfit was allegedly too provocative and too revealing for the PAX organisers and she was asked to change (even though it is the exact costume worn in the game which was still being promoted to all at the show see below)...

"not acceptable in real life..."

You know - it might be better for the organisers to promote games that don't actually have sexist material in them?

Or how about have some age restricted booths which only allow access to those old enough to play the games?

Cosplay is alive and well though - can you spot which of these 2 are blokes?

"Poison 1"

"Poison 2"

LOOPER: taste the awesome

LOVE THIS NEW POSTER!!

LOOPER - The sci-fi pick of 2012

Matt Adcock hearts Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emily Blunt - am also a big sci-fi fan so LOOPER is currently hot on my radar. This could be a film of the year contender!

HERE IS THE TRAILER!!

“In the futuristic action thriller Looper, time travel will be invented – but it will be illegal and only available on the black market. When the mob wants to get rid of someone, they will send their target 30 years into the past, where a “looper” – a hired gun, like Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) – is waiting to mop up. Joe is getting rich and life is good… until the day the mob decides to “close the loop,” sending back Joe’s future self (Bruce Willis) for assassination. The film is written and directed by Rian Johnson and also stars Emily Blunt, Paul Dano, and Jeff Daniels. Ram Bergman and James D. Stern produce.”

Mmmmm Emily Blunt...