Darkmatters Review: Run All Night

Run All Night (15)

Dir. Jaume Collet-Serra

Reviewed by Matt Adcock  (agree or feedback: @Cleric20)

Read the newspaper version of this review: Berkhamsted Gazette

“You know this has to end. And when it's done, and it will be done, then I'll let you die.”

It’s hard to review an action crime thriller starring Liam Neeson these days without comparing it to Taken (which reset the gold standard for them in 2008). Taken kick-started Neeson’s career as the ‘go to guy’ for a whole pulpy violent revenge subgenre. To date we have two tepid Taken sequels, the grim A Walk Among The Tombstones and Director Collet-Serra, who has found a groove in teaming up with Neeson and recycling the grumpy old action hero formula (he also directed Unknown and Non-Stop).

"nice parking son"

Now we have Run All Night which pits Neeson’s washed up hit man Jimmy Conlon against his former Crime Boss employer Shawn Maguire (Ed Harris) and all his nefarious minions. You see after years of loyally bumping off people, Jimmy becomes the target himself after he kills Maguire’s nasty son Danny (Boyd Holbrook) to defend his own, Mike (Joel ‘Robo Cop’ Kinnaman).

Cue heavy duty chases, gunfights and macho banter dialogue through the space of one fraught night as the extremely world-weary Jimmy uses his special set of skills to wreak deadly force on all who come after his kin.

You could knock Collet-Serra for churning out many similar movies but he does have a gift for creating slick, watchable fare and Run All Night’s clichéd plotline is elevated by some clever David Fincher-alike camera swoop cinematography.

"unstoppable killers are us..."

The action bounces along with plenty of menacing moments – chief of which come from relentless bounty hunter Price (Rapper / Youth Counsellor turned actor ‘Common’) who simply will not quit until Jimmy and his son are dead.

There is a strong underlying theme of vengeance, justice and redemption embedded in Run All Night which seeks to explore the culpability of the ‘sins-of-the-father’ and some Christian rhetoric about sacrifice (Neeson knows a few things about this having been Aslan in the Narnia films). Here the viewers are party to Jimmy’s inner monologue reflecting on the burden of a lifetime of regrets and guilt about the lives he’s ‘taken’!?

"like father, like son?"

Ultimately this is a film that tips the hat to meaty theological subject matter but doesn’t in any way let that get in the way of by-the-book action shoot-em-up entertainment. In summation Run All Night feels a bit ‘run of the mill’ but it does deliver a couple of grittily viewer friendly hours.

"boom"

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö 

(3 - Crime and punishment 'Taken' style )

Awesomeness ööö – some cool action / dialogue scenes

Laughs ö – not a comedy

Horror ööö – some crunchin violence

Spiritual Enlightenment öö - sacrifice

Recommended Hashtags: #MyDadShotYourDad

For a deeper look at the Christian themes of Run All Night - check Martin Saunders' review over at:
Christian Today

Darkmatters Review: Hit Team

Hit Team 

Dir. Mark Newton

Reviewed by Matt Adcock  (agree or feedback: @Cleric20)

“HHHhhmmm – you’re an intelligent cop there Mr…”

Here’s an indie comic crime trip about an incompetent ‘Hit Team’. Meet Max (Myles McLane) and Ruthie (Emerald Robinson), assassins on a mission in L.A. to take down six targets in one day. It’s a fun premise played fully balls-out OTT stupid…

"I'm going on top!"

OK so the acting is universally terrible, the script is pretty terrible and the production values flat out suck – but if you stick with it past the unconvincing and generally cringe-worthy first hour, something odd happens and you might actually find yourself digging this brain-dead romp. And there was me thinking that they’d somehow missed a letter ‘s’ off the title!?

So anyway, thanks to the miracle of streaming, low-rent movies like this can find an audience and Mark Newton’s "Hit Team" is at the vanguard of ultra crappy but weirdly watchable new-wave flicks.

If you want to be generous (and I kinda do, after all, McLane supplied viewing for Darkmatters) – there are certainly things in "Hit Team" you just don’t get to see in most mainstream movies. Hit man with a penchant for necrophilia? Check. Guy having a full clip of ammo emptied into his balls? Yep. Goofy comic lines about whores, a$$holes and an ill-advised tick for the Crimelord Boss (Douglas Macpherson) who sings opera-style responses to his team - delivered with terrible timing? Oh yes.

"necessary plot exposition"

Also on hand are doofus cop partners Akeem (Roger Payano) and Cynthia (Anita Leeman) plus eyecandy sidekick for the boss, ‘Sprinkles’ (the gorgeous Melanie Camp). Oh and various assorted victims.

There’s a fair amount of violence, a ton of sexual innuendo and an unseasonable curse to non-expletive ratio in the dialogue but if you’re up for a fast-paced smirk-em-up then there is a beating heart of creativity in the bowels of this movie somewhere (sorry about the unfortunate medical metaphor there)!

"good cop / incompetent cop"

Overall, if you want to calibrate your appreciation of big-budget films, every now and then you need to witness what a willing bunch of creatives can do with dreams that outstrip their resources.
"Hit Team" could one day be looked back at as a cult classic, it just might not be in our generation’s time…


Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öö1/2

(2.5 - putting the 'ass' into 'assassination' )

Awesomeness öö – there are scenes in this movie

Laughs ööö – you'll laugh in places if not throughout

Horror öö – some gunshot wounds n' stuff

Spiritual Enlightenment -öö - not a spiritual flick


In the US? Hit Team is available on YouTube Pay-Per-View at the link is below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8RGmsjUnNE&feature=youtu.be

Darkmatters Review: CHAPPiE

CHAPPiE (15)

Dir. Neil Blomkamp (District 9 & Elysium)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (agree or feedback: @Cleric20)

Read the Luton News version of this review: HERE

“He's the key to the revolution. A machine that can feel and think. He can outsmart the enemy and free us all.“

Meet Chappie (motion captured Shalto Copley) who, in the near future becomes a walking, talking ‘real’ Robocop. Chappie is a ‘Scout’ – a new breed of cyborg crime fighter that has been employed by the government in Johannesburg to patrol and violently enforce law keeping.

"Gangsta droid"

This new robot police force is provided by the slightly sinister tech corporation TetraVaal – run by no nonsense CEO Michelle Bradley (Sigouney Weaver). As well as the humanoid ‘Scouts’, TetraVaal has a more bulky heavy-duty weapons platform MOOSE (that looks uncannily like the ED209 from Robocop) created by deviant ex-army man Vincent Moore (Hugh Jackman).

The robo police force have crime on the run but things take an ominous turn when one police Scout, who is given new programming by his designer Deon Wilson (Dev Patel), this makes him the first robot with the ability to think and feel for himself.

"Action"

When this Scout is stolen he is taught to be a small time criminal by his adopted ‘parents’ Ninja (Watkin Tudor Jones) and Yolandi (Yo-Landi Visser) – who make up real iife hip-hop group Die Antwod – “Chappie” as it comes to call himself becomes a perceived danger to society.

This engaging future ‘what if’ film is a fun mash up of movies like Robocop and Short Circuit – enthused with the trademark violence of District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Chappie certainly looks the part. The special effects are superb, Chappie is an incredible feat of CGI, a robot that can express real emotion as well as kick serious ass.

"Future relationships"

The main human characters actually suffer in comparison to Chappie who steals every scene he’s in – that is high praise for a motion captured robot character (one who give the excellent Gollum from Lord of the Rings a run for his money).

Blomkamp is blessed with ‘more ideas than he knows quite what to do with’ which makes this a film that feels like it has enough material to go on for several more hours.

"You have 20 seconds to comply"

Chappie is an exciting mix of crime drama, A.I. dream and packs lots of laugh out loud moments along with some crunching violent action. This eclectic mix has flummoxed many reviewers with review scores ranging from very low to high.

Viewer feedback however seems to be positive, I was certainly impressed and am already looking forward to seeing Chappie again.

"ED 209 who?"

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö 

(4 - Humanity's last hope isn't human )

Awesomeness öööö – Chappie is action!?

Laughs ööö – good fun overall

Horror öööö – bit grissly in places

Spiritual Enlightenment öö - Strength of soul

Recommended Hashtags: #FutureCopFun

"You be a bad robot?"

"Chappie calls her mommy"

Darkmatters Review: It Follows

It Follows (15)

Directed by David Robert Mitchell

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

Read the newspaper version of this review at: The Bedfordshire Times & Citizen

“Sometimes it can look like someone you love… I think it does that just to hurt you!?”

Meet lovely young 19-year-old Jay (Maika ‘The Guest’ Monroe), she’s scared for her life – and for good reason… Jay has been ‘marked’ after having sex with her new boyfriend Hugh (Jake Weary) and so has attracted the attention of an unstoppable evil force. The killer entity tracks her day and night, taking on various human forms, always slowly walking towards her, wherever she is and the only way she can buy herself time is by ‘passing on’ the curse by sleeping with someone else.

"always look behind you!"

The genuinely scary ‘It Follows’ takes the time honoured horror movie plotline of sexual activity being the catalyst for dreaded retribution and creates a freaky new take on it that will get deep into your psyche and massively creep you out.

Director David Robert Mitchell creates an excellent, slow burning ‘voodoo’ feeling of unease as viewers are presented with the fallout of what happens when a group of teens find their lives destroyed by a force of unnatural evil. The question very much is ‘who will survive and what will be left of them!?’

"some dates don't go to plan"

The cinematography is deliberately low key – with muted colours and everyday locations but in a twisted way you just won’t be able to look away because every person in the shot just might be the ‘follower’. The audience are brought in on the action and allowed to see the evil creature – which is something in the plot that only those marked as targets can do. This makes every scene – some of which are incredibly disconcerting 360 degree pans - into diabolic versions of ‘Where’s Wally’ – you’ll find yourself checking everything human shaped in shot to see if it is the slow walking death bringer…

Jan’s traumatized group include her sister Kelly (Lili Sepe), best friend Yara (Olivia Luccardi) and besotted childhood friend Paul (Keir Gilchrist) – all of whom give good support in their roles.

"nowhere is safe"

As the dread mounts, the climax sees the most unnerving swimming pool scene since Let The Right One In. So It Follows is a highly effective slice of horror that even references many of the ‘slasher’ flicks of the 70s / 80s – note the John Carpenter-alike synths on the soundtrack, which hark back to the heyday straight up horror films.

It Follows will likely leave you looking over your shoulder for some time afterwards.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö1/2 

(4.5 - Dread has a new form)

Awesomeness öööö – creeping shivery horrifying scenes

Laughs öö – limited fun

Horror öööö – suitably nasty in places

Spiritual Enlightenment öö - save sex for marriage!?

Recommended Hashtags: #AreYouBeingFollowed?

"fear stalks the streets"

Darkmatters Review: Project Almanac

Project Almanac (12a)

Dir. Dean Israelite

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

“Before the world ends, I have to fall in love.”

Time travel is a dangerous thing (I know it’s not an actual thing but go with me here)… If Back to the Future, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Looper, Primer and the like have shown us anything – it’s that messing with the time / space continuum is likely to cause problems…

But that doesn’t stop a bunch of teens building a time machine and taking it out for a spin in this averagely fun science fiction adventure movie (full disclosure- in part produced by Michael Bay!?).

Yep it’s a found footage movie, like we haven’t had enough of those yet…

"obligatory Matrix-alike scene"

So we get nerdy dude / bros David (Jonny Weston), Quinn (Sam Lerner) and Adam (Allen Evangelista) who jump into the world of potential time paradox in order to get rich, get the girl and get some friends… Also along for the ride are the token girls – the gorgeous sister Christina (Virginia Gardner) and hottie love interest (Sofia ‘soon to be in the Ben-Hur remake’ Black-D'Elia).

The plot takes a long ‘time’ to get going – which is frustrating as the whole premise of the film is the time traveling so the laborious build up feels at once dull, forced and even then slightly rushed. Going to ‘live trials’ of a home made time machine which includes component from a Xbox360 after successfully sending a toy car back in time by an hour is reckless any way you look at it!? Don’t these kids remember the failure rates of Microsoft’s gaming machines?

"important time travel scene"

Anyway, the makers of Project Almanac really want this to be a hip cool flick – and try desperately to ape the effortless zeitgeist of the much better Chronicle that was darker and more exciting in every conceivable way.

Things get a bit out of hand after some limited time jumping fun, and the ending feels odd – and there's some cod 'there are no second chances' mumbo jumbo semi-philosophy too...

But if all you're after is a spot of teen sci-fi that requires absolutely no brainpower involved in watching it then this is an ok option (but only if you're too chicken to tackle Primer or Looper)…

"he's behind you..."

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öö1/2 

(2.5 - Dude I'm in the PAST!)

Awesomeness ööö – brief flashes of coolness

Laughs öö – limited mirth

Horror ö – not very grim at all

Spiritual Enlightenment öö - dude, where's my brain?

Recommended Hashtags: #NicNakAlmanac

"head space out"

INteresting trivia:

The title 'Project Almanac' alludes to the plot of Back to The Future II in which Biff Tannen changes his life for the better by stealing the Gray's Sports Almanac from 2015 and betting on sports outcomes he knew would happen from the 1950s onwards. Similarly, this film focuses on changing the protagonists' lives for the better by changing the past using time travel and putting things back the way they were like Marty and Doc have to in BTTF2.

Darkmatters Review: The Order 1886

The Order: 1886 (18)

Developed by Ready At Dawn

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@cleric20)

Are you ready to join an elite order of knights?

The Order: 1886 puts you in the shoes, tache and swanky armour of ‘Galahad’, a member of titular ‘order’ of knights. Your mission is to join a centuries-old war against a powerful unnatural threat that could change the course of history forever.

Set in a superb alternate / fictionalised Victorian London at the tail end of the 19th century, the story behind The Order: 1886 revolves around a group knights charged with protecting the city and its inhabitants from a menacing breed of half-humans. It’s freaky stuff, certainly not for the faint of heart…

"Lovely guns"

The compelling background story dates back to the 7th century when some humans began evolving differently, with animalistic traits that include super-human strength. These mutants didn’t go down so well with the ‘normal’ folk and fearing the new half-breeds a war broke out in an attempt to destroy them.

Now you’re on the frontline in this steampunk vision of Victorian Britain – boosted by some pretty advanced weaponry. Oh, and a fabled liquid which The Order refer to as 'Blackwater' - it's an elixir that can heal even mortal wounds and prolong life!

"Stunning visuals"

History and myth collide

You control Galahad, one of the most experienced knights of The Order, but this is a crisis that will require detective work and contemplation as well as copious amounts of ass kicking gunplay.

If you played the PS3 classic Heavy Rain you’ll have some idea of how the investigation pans out – there are multiple cut scenes with quick time reaction elements and a certain number of collectables like detailed newspapers, notes and photographs that its worth taking the time to read / study as they really add to the depth of the whole experience.

Then there are the shoot-em-up, run and gun cover sections which are just incredible – they borrow heavily from Gears of War and are an absolute joy to fight through. Taking down tooled up rebels, powerful agents and of course the powerful half-breeds with an impressive array of guns – including ones that harness arc-lightning and others like the thermite rifle which fire incendiary material that can be ignited to rain down fiery death on your enemies.

"It's in the details"

Graphically unmatched

Ready at Dawn need to be applauded for the jaw dropping visuals that are made using full performance capture for characters and scenes that shift together to bring the deep narrative, packed with intrigue, to life.

Only the PS4 could deliver such visuals on a console – there are some scenes that you’ll just want to sit and stare at such as the London views which bustle with airships overhead and general activity on the streets.

"Moustaches not optional"

Backlash by those who do not know better

I’ve read some really negative ‘reviews’ of The Order: 1886 – and I just can’t understand the thinking behind them. All I can imagine is that either there are a lot of so called game reviewers who are incapable of appreciating a game like this (if you’re expecting a simple shooter, you might be gutted that there isn’t more of it I guess). Or these folks are part of the half-breed conspiracy to stop the tale of the heroic Order being enjoyed more widely.

"A new Sony mascot!?"

Everyone should join The Order

Yes it’s not the longest game but this is an experience… If you’ve ever enjoyed a mystery, a gun game or a stunning cinematic visual feast – The Order: 1886 has some of each and the combined package is one that should be regarded as a gaming classic.

I loved The Order and absolutely can’t wait for the potential DLC and Sequel as this feels like it’s the start of something special!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö

(4 - stunning visuals and exciting gunplay make for classic gaming)...

"fire at will"

Darkmatters Review: Blackhat

Blackhat (15)

Dir. Michael Mann

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

Read the newspaper version of this review at The Berkhampsted Gazette

“This isn't about money. This isn't about politics. I can target anyone, anything, anywhere.”

Hackers eh? A very current threat, not content with just irritating disruptors of gaming networks or dodgy thieving from financial institutions but what if they started blowing up nuclear power plants? What happens when hackers become terrorists?

Here the ‘Black Hat’ (someone who hacks into computer networks with malicious intent) is causing worldwide panic by causing a Chinese power station to explode, and following it up by monkeying with Wall Street stock commodities… Who can the authorities turn to in order to tackle this cyber threat? Why not bust another master hacker out of jail to fight fire with fire? And it just so happens that hunky Nick Hathaway (Chris Hemsworth) is serving time for a masterpiece of hacking – so he is set free by Chinese Captain Chen Dawai, and tasked to find whoever is responsible for the attacks.

"nobody brings gunfights like Mann"

Also on the case are Chen’s sister Lien (Wei Tang) FBI Agent Carol Barrett (Viola Davis) – from then on the game is afoot as the team go up against the baddie Black Hat Sadak (Yorick van Wageningen) and his private army led by Elias Kassar (a nicely dangerous turn from Ritchie Coster).

Blackhat ticks many of the usual Mann checkboxes – crunching gunfights, unnecessary shots of speedboats, great looking cityscapes at night, but it doesn’t quite ignite to the point of ‘awesome’.

It’s really hard to make people looking at laptops and saying out loud what they’re doing exciting and it is this dynamic coupled with a sometimes plodding depiction of the investigative process that keeps this as a good but not great thriller.

"code porn"

Hemsworth is always watchable and his chemistry with love interest Tang is engaging, what is lacking though is sufficient threat from the bad guys. In a world of master criminals looking to do dastardly crimes, Sadak (whose character is like a dark Harry Knowles from ‘Aint’ It Cool’) comes up short on overall evilness.

So Blackhat might be slightly ‘old hat’ in places but it still delivers enough slick action and tension to keep those looking for a cyber thrilling night out entertained. This won’t be remembered as a classic up there with the like of Mann’s ‘Heat’ but it’s quite something when a director can have a bit of an off day and still make a better film than most of his contemporaries.

"Fifty shades of style"

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö1/2 

(3.5 - We are no longer in control)

Awesomeness öööö – one iconic gunfight is the most memorable scene

Laughs öö – not much fun

Horror öö – slightly nasty but not too much

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö - hackers are jerks?

Recommended Hashtags: #NoLongerInControl

Resogun – Defenders DLC

Resogun (PS4) – Defenders DLC

Developed by HouseMarque (read review of original Resogun / Dead Nation)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

It’s rare that superb games are made even better by studios releasing extra modes via DLC – but Resogun is the gold standard for this and developers HouseMarque should be applauded…

When the PlayStation 4 launched, the best game immediately available was the incredible shoot-'em-up Resogun, and now the game has been expanded – first last year’s ‘Heroes’ pack brought the addictive ‘Survivor’ and the randomly awesome ‘Demolition’ modes, both of which are great fun.

There was the also the excellent local co-op and ‘design your own ships’ options, that were more than enough to reignite interest in the game.

"Protect (and serve)"

Now ‘Defenders’ arrives and blows the whole game wide open again with two brand new modes – first up is ‘Protector’ which takes the original lovely blast-em-up and makes you fight through a never ending assault of aliens who are after the ‘last’ humans. You only have one life and there are a wealth of new upgrades to help you save the humanoids (yes there are now multiple type including Scarecrows, Uncle Sams and more).

The tempo is notched up for not just the action but also the boosts such as ‘Overdrive’ ‘Super Boost’ and ‘Added carriage capacity’… You can play this mode over and over wanting to improve your score, especially when you compare your best against your PSN friends list (or find out where you rank globally!?).

Protector would have been great on its own but there is also ‘Commando’ which takes you out of your spaceship and puts you on the ground with a big gun – fighting to defend your home from falling meteors, and nasty aliens threats. This mode won’t ever replace the slick spaceship combat but it is a very tasty little spin on the formula and is worth your time. Especially as your Commando makes Schwarzenegger-alike exclamations, that will please any ‘80s action film fan!

"Going Commando"

Finally there are ‘Challenges’ too – both of a progression system where you now level up by collecting xp which you get from playing through and completing feats – e.g. save certain amount of humans on certain levels. It’s enough to make you focus on certain elements of your gameplay in order to tick off a feat…

Also there is now a weekly challenge which sets a certain rule e.g. can only move to the right, or have to use a certain craft (love the fact that one is the Super Stardust ship!?

Resogun is a game that it’s a joy to return to and HouseMarque have made it even better with all these additional modes… DLC done right!!

"Things can get a bit frantic"

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö

(5 - videogaming perfection just got better!)...

Darkmatters Review: Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey (18)

Dir. Sam Taylor-Johnson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

Read the newspaper version of this review at: The Biggleswade Chronicle

“You're here because I'm incapable of leaving you alone.”

The worldwide mass selling, morally vapid cultural phenomenon about a messed up abusive relationship, makes the jump from ropey novel to money spinning movie.

The plot follows young literature student Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), who gets to interview über successful businessman Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).

"no product placement was harmed in the making of this film"

She’s attracted to him, he’s besotted with her – but rather than follow a traditional romance timeline there are some rather nasty complications to this potential relationship. Grey you see isn’t looking for a romantic partner, he wants a woman to control, to hurt and punish sexually in his own ‘red’ torture playroom.

Steele is rightly perturbed by Grey’s behavior - he basically starts to stalk her from their first encounter and is quite willing to whisk her off in his helicopter, or show her his impressive car collection, but he won’t go on a normal date with her. His sinister coldness reinforces her reluctance to sign the freaky ‘sexual relations’ contract that sets out exactly what he can do her.

Why is he such a creepy sadist? – well he says he was a submissive in his teenage years to an older woman dominatrix. This child abusive wrongness has left him incapable of having a regular
relationship.

"feel the contrived passion"

Anastasia though is a woman with her own mind – and one who is wary of this unusual set up. Doesn’t stop her getting to experience some grim situations though after requesting Grey to show her how bad it might get if he were allowed to punish her…

*caution spoiler* I was pleased to see Steele challenge Grey about his nasty requests and make a stand at the end despite her attraction to him *end spoiler*.

Director Taylor-Johnson I guess deserves some credit for managing to turn the terrible source material into even such an average film. But Fifty Shades of Grey is mostly vacuous production values over substance, boasting little more than multiple sex scenes and a number one single from Ellie Goulding on the soundtrack.

"what colour pencil shall I use?"

Sorely lacking though are decent performances, Johnson does an acceptable job (mostly biting her bottom lip) but Dornan is totally wooden, playing every scene with the same permafrown – looking for all the world like he’s just stubbed his toe.

You know if you want a much better cinematic tortured billionaire - you should go with Bruce Wayne, he's got issues too but he uses his money to fight crime rather than abuse women.

This is not a good film by any criteria, alas that hasn’t stopped it already ‘dominating’ box office records – come on people you don’t have to ‘submit’ to this drivel.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öö

(2 - just say 'no' to messed up billionaires)...

Awesomeness öö – the cars, helicopter and glider scenes are quite cool

Laughs öö – not funny, or even 'fun'

Horror öööö – horrible manipulation and abusive 'punishment'

Spiritual Enlightenment -öööö – no redeeming features

Hashtag: #FiftyShadesIsViewerAbuse

"Gratuitous topless scene"

As a Christian I've been interested in seeing the 'religious' reaction to this film - my review is written for secular press but if you want to get some review / reactions written explicitly for religious audiences I can recommend:

Christian Today (Martin Saunders)
&
Christianity (Jamie Cutteridge)

Darkmatters Review: Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending (12a)

Dir. The Wachowskis

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

Read the newspaper version of this review over at: Bedfordshire Times & Citizen

“It can be difficult for people from underdeveloped worlds to hear that their planet is not the only inhabited planet.”

Dear earthling reader – you probably don’t realise this but your whole existence is due to wealthy aliens who are ‘farming’ us in order to use our bodies as the ingredients for a valuable life bestowing elixir. Bad times…

"behold the Torvill & Dean of sci-fi"

But wait, who is this plucky (gorgeous) young lady who it turns out actually has just inherited the earth and might try to save us? Why, only Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), who thinks she’s just a poor Russian immigrant who cleans toilets and lives with her deeply annoying relatives. Under threat from her evil galactic co-heirs (Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth, and Tuppence Middleton), their private armies, bounty hunters and devious schemes which include trying to marry her!? – only one half man / half dog hero can save the day, step forward Caine Wise (Channing Tatum).

So the grand space opera plot is set but from here Jupiter Ascending implodes with utter stupidity, self-indulgent, groan worthy narrative, pointless and rather boring ‘action’ scenes and some of the worst acting ever put on screen.

"Nice effects - shame about the film"

This film is an absolute stinker, it pains me to say that as I really love The Matrix which shares the same writers / directors and can appreciate even the cheesiest sci-fi, much of which is unfairly derided by film critics. But I’m not being a hypocrite here; Jupiter Ascending is a colossal waste of talent, special effects budget and viewer’s time.

Tatum looks awkward throughout – not helped by having to wear ridiculous elf like ears which look like left overs from The Lord of the Rings. Kunis must be up for some kind of award for being a good looking but totally vacant central character (come on Oscars this should be a thing!).

Sean Bean pops up as gun-slinging pal of Caine - Stinger, but gets relegated to standing by watching and cheering – even though he has the same kick ass battle angel mech armour as the hero. It’s the waste of such tasty tech that really irks, jump cutting what should be superb battle scenes into indiscernible flashing ‘what the hell is actually going on’ background noise is unforgivable.

"future bathing = holding hands"

Not even a cameo scene with Terry Gilliam - which whole scene actually feels transplanted in from one of his madcap movies) can make me recommend Jupiter Ascending.

The Wachowskis need to take a long hard look at themselves and try to find where their Matrix magic has gone before making any more movies – viewers should meanwhile give Jupiter Ascending a swerve.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ö1/2

(1.5 - In space no-one can hear you yawn)...

Awesomeness öö – nice battle armour, but wasted action throughout

Laughs ööö – inadvertently funny

Horror öö – scarily uncool

Spiritual Enlightenment ö – dispiriting stuff

Hashtag: #JupiterASScending

"nice battle armour!"