Darkmatters Review: Transformers Dark of the Moon

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (12a)

Dir. Michael Bay

Reviewed by Matt ‘Optimus’ Adcock

“Years from now, they are gonna ask us: where were you when they took over the planet?”

The Transformers films are a hard to explain phenomena. Director Michael Bay has created three all conquering box office juggernauts that pack cutting edge special effects and dialogue so bad that it could be classified as a crime against nature. Whilst film critics generally hate them, millions of people flock to see them and buy them on DVD, download and blu-ray too for good measure.

"stupid robots... oh wait"

My youngest son is ten years old, has been counting the days until Dark of the Moon opened. He has an extensive collection of Transformer figures and has been playing the Transformers: Dark of the Moon game on his PlayStation 3 religiously since it came out. In order to maintain some sort of subjectivity I took not only my son but also a hard-line Transformers sceptic in the shape of Mr Tom Wade (teacher, film lover and man who really hated both the first two Transformers films).

The plot is that during the final days of the war that devastated the Transformers’ home world of Cybertron, a spacecraft known as The Ark attempted to escape. It was shot down and crashed onto our moon where its pilot Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy) has sat stranded ever since. In 1961, the crash of the Ark on the moon is detected by NASA and President John F Kennedy fast tracks the Apollo 11 with the express mission of finding out more

Now the evil Decepticons led by Megatron (Hugo Weaving) are planning to use the cargo from The Ark to take over our world. All that stands between us and total annihilation are a handful of brave Autobots led by Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), oh and an annoying young guy Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) plus his new hottie girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley).

That’s about all you need to know – everything else is eye-popping special effects as the robots battle alongside brave marines. Buildings are trashed in spectacular style, people die to the powerchords of Linkin Park and Paramore while robots convincingly tear each other apart and everyone except Tom Wade goes home happy.

"The ruins of Chicago - Michael Bay style"

For sheer stupid sci-fi thrills, investing 2 hours 37 minutes of your life to see Transformers: Dark of the Moon just might be the best thing you do this year… You owe it to your inner ten year old.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö

(4 - Earth's last stand rocks)...

Awesomeness öööö – Serious awesome metalic battle mayhem

Laughs ööö – stupid dumb fun (some unintentional)

Horror öö – more civilian deaths than previous Transformers and a couple more robots buy it too

Babes öööö – Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has great bodywork (see below)

Spiritual Enlightenment öööö – humans have capacity for spirituality that robots can only dream of...

Darkmatters review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Darkmatters review of Transformers

"Rosie Huntington-Whiteley - robo babe" 

Darkmatters Review - I Love You Man

I Love You Man (15)

Dir. John Hamburg

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Here’s a comedy male bonding experience or ‘bromance’ if you will which tackles the issue of how men find it hard to make friends after a certain age... You know how when you’re six you can just ask any passing boy to come in and jump on your parents bed together and that means you’re pals but that option kind of runs out when you’re through college.

I Love You Man sees wimpy Peter Klaven (Paul ‘Role Models’ Rudd) get engaged to his girlfriend Zooey (Rashida Jones) and then realise that he has no male friends to be in his Wedding party. Cue a series of amusing situations where he tries to meet some new buddies via internet sites, cruising the gym where his gay younger brother works and trying to ingratiate himself with the husbands of his fiancé’s girl friends.

Director John ‘Along Came Polly’ Hamburg gives it a decent go and almost pulls off a Judd Apatow like raucous comedy. But alas I Love You Man runs out of steam and ends up being a forgettable ‘near miss’, too vulgar to be a family friendly flick, not gross out or funny enough to please those who list ‘Knocked Up’ or ‘Superbad’ in their top films. There is a fun cameo from former ‘Hulk’ Lou Ferrigno though which was good value.

So... Just when it looks like Peter is doomed to live with nothing but girls for pals he meets free spirited Sydney Fife’ (Jason ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ Segel) – who looks exactly like my pal Tom. Sydney is a dictionary definition alpha male slacker, who has his own ‘man cave’ complete with rock instruments, beer fridge and several TVs. Here’s a guy who instils some macho home truths into softy Peter like: “Society tells us we're civilized but the truth is we are animals. Sometimes we just have to let it out.”
But this new found injection of testosterone doesn’t play well with Peter’s intended life partner Zooey who isn’t quite ready to embrace the guitar licking of RUSH or accept the uninhibited masculinity that Sydney brings to the party.
Can Peter balance the mates / wife equation or will it all end in tears?

There’s enough here to make it worth seeing but don’t go expecting anything special or memorable. For you guys reading this – why not get into the spirit of this film by telling a mate who you enjoy hanging out with that you love him… Let me know how that goes.

Arbitrary Darkmatters final rating of: ööööö (5 - average when it should have been really funny)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6
Style 5
Babes 5
Comedy 6
Spiritual Enlightenment 5

Not convinced? check out this review of the film over at Hollywood Jesus

- best line:"And so begins what may very well be THE defining film of "Bromedy." Complete with the self-pity inducing "couple montage," a whirlwind of disastrous "first dates," the chance entrance of "the one," the empowering bloom of that relationship, the conflict, the break-up, and the reunion, I Love You, Man couldn't follow the romantic comedy formula any closer. The only difference is that at the center of this platonic comedy are two men."