Darkmatters Review: Cinderella

Cinderella (U)

Dir. Kenneth Branagh

Reviewed by Gail Adcock (@nonblondie37)

Read the Luton News newspaper version of this review: Luton News

'Sssh! Let's keep this to ourselves, but this review has quite literally been hijacked! No swashbuckling, shoot-em-up or super hero antics this week. Instead sisters are doin' it for themselves and bringing the girl power by viewing, well, the er, totally brand new retelling of 'Cinderella' actually...

Lily James stars as Ella (who's later cruelly nicknamed Cinder-Ella by her step sister as she cleans the fire) in a classic adaptation of the fairy tale that nods to its Disney animated predecessor. As her Fairy Godmother, Helena Bonham Carter, lavishes magical dust to enable an outing to the ball she flourishes her wand with a "Bippiti-boppity-boo", Cinders dazzling ballgown, the bluebirds and friendly mice are all borrowed from the 1950s classic.

"A bride finding ball..."

Branagh's fairytale world is lavish, set in lush green lands, which the camera swoops over bringing the epic story to life, costumes are opulent and attention to detail exquisite. Lady Tremaine (Cate Blanchette) is a force to be reckoned with, not only for her cruel, bullying actions but also her sharp, coutured 1940s inspired silhouette. Her style and presence steal every scene she's in but her wickedness isn't a patch on Margaret Lockwood's stepmother in 'The Slipper and the Rose', arguably the best version of 'Cinderella' to ever grace the screen.

The cast succeed in walking a fine line between inhabiting their well known characters whilst not caricaturing their roles, there are solid performances from Derek Jacobi, Sophie McShera, Richard Madden and Stellan Skarsgard (despite the abundance of radiant white actor teeth that glisten to distraction from beginning to end!)

"fancy footwear!?"

The story told here seeks to 'fill out' characters, providing added details to create more 3-dimensional human beings with motives and emotions. The emphasis on presenting Ella's early life and loss of her parents brings a sadness that the fairy tale merely alludes to but forms the basis of her desire to faithfully follow their example in living a lowly life. There are subtle undercurrents of the complexity of relationships and family life here, ambitious for a retelling of such a well known tale.

For all its splendour and opulence, though, the film ultimately lacks real substance. Lily James' Cinderella lives by the ethos passed on by her mother in her final moments to 'have courage and be kind', which she does selflessly throughout. Yet for the young girls I watched with she needed more feistiness and wit to earn any right to be a contemporary role model for them. Perhaps that's the biggest challenge the story faces - to bring this character and much loved tale to the screen relevantly for a 21st century audience?'

"horsing around"

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö 

(3 - Bippiti-boppity-not-bad )

Awesomeness ööö – almost awesome in places

Laughs öö – some fun

Horror ö – nothing grim

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö - Whose your fairly Godmother?

Recommended Hashtags: #MidnightIsJustTheBeginning

Darkmatters Review: Kill List

KILL LIST (18)

Dir. Ben Wheatley

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“They are bad people – They should suffer.”

What if there are malign, crazed occult forces at work behinds the scenes of our society?
Wouldn’t it be unnerving if they employed hit-men to take out people they deemed worthy of death – on a ‘Kill List’?

Step into the world of ex-squaddie Jay (Neil Maskell) he’s suffering from some sort of post traumatic stress disorder and although he and his pal Gal (Michael Smiley) are assassins for hire, he hasn’t been able to kill anyone for at least 8 months.

The film start as Gal and his odd girlfriend Fiona (Emma ‘PhoneShop’ Fryer) have dinner with Jay and Swedish his ex-military Mrs Shel (MyAnna ‘The Descent’ Burning). Things are not good with Jay and Shel – the meal is so naturalistic and charged with ill feeling that is one of the most painful domestic scenes ever committed to film.

Anyway, Gal gets Jay to agree to take on a lucrative hit – to wipe out 3 people on a kill list for some sinister old geezer who writes his contracts in blood. The film works through escalating ‘hits’ buoyed by the believable and likeable buddy banter of the two leads. There is a classic scene where the two have an alteration with a group of guitar happy Christians in a hotel restaurant – which alludes to a spiritual battle taking place behind the scenes - and certainly adds an extra element to the film which many will probably gloss straight over.

As a Christian I'm always interested in depictions of spiritual powers and their effect on us - be that the delusion of cults, the supernatural power of evil or (and never normally very well captured) the majestic all powerful nature of God (see TREE OF LIFE for best recent reflection on this). Kill List might not be your first choice for a spiritual film but it definitely packs a loaded element of supernatural disturbance...

"goodbye..."

Before you write Kill List off as a oddball quirky Brit gangster flick, you should know that if you let it, it will get under your skin and eat its way out from the inside! There is the growing palpable sense of unease that I haven’t experienced as deeply since the excellent voodoo dread feel of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And yes horror fans Kill List morphs into a full-blooded horror film at the end, which left the audience I saw this with - in shocked, stunned silence with a super grim sucker punch ending.

The occult elements of the film aren’t worked as satisfyingly as might have been – indeed one of the mates I saw this with was left cold by the whole low budget, exposition less natural feel. But for those willing to embrace shocking violence, forgive slightly lumpy plot transitions and seek enjoyment in a weird and darkly funny British horror – Kill List marks itself out as a heavyweight viewing experience.

Think The Wicker Man (original), mixed with House of the Devil and Dead Man’s Shoes, set in a recession era modern day Britain and you have something altogether more interesting than most sugar coated supposed horror recent efforts.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö

(4 - Turbo charged and spewing black fumes)...

Awesomeness öööö – some very heavy duty scenes

Laughs öö – a few dark chuckles to be had

Horror ööööö – some of this is beyond grim

Babes ööö – MyAnna Burning gives good blonde

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö - brutal and stark warped spirituality

"Oi son, your misses is a nutter..."

Darkmatters Review: Final Destination 5

Final Destination 5 (15)

Dir. Steven Quale

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Y'all just be careful now.”

Death it seems is a sure fire crowd pleaser (as long as the crowd are horror fans) and so after ‘The Final Destination 3D’ hinted at an end to this accident-em-up franchise – the grim reaper is back for more.

You must know the drill by now. Take an assorted group of young people – including at least one babe, one good looking guy, one geek, one ethnic dude and one who’s such a dick that you really want them to die. It’s important that all of the characters be instantly forgettable too. Have the group escape death due to one of them having a premonition about the impending disaster, in this case an impressively rendered bridge collapse. Then spend the rest of the film killing off the group one by one in really gruesome ways – preferably that involve bits of their body flying out towards the audience to make the most of the 3D!

And that’s exactly what Final Destination 5 delivers…

Nicholas D'Agosto takes the lead role of Sam Lawton – a average chap who on the day that he cheats death by foreseeing the coming bridge collapse gets dumped by his hot girlfriend Molly (Emma ‘The Walking Dead’ Bell). Sam’s pal Peter (Miles Fisher) tries to console him but before you can say “you’re all doomed” the group are getting sliced diced and impaled in various nasty ways.

The Final Destination films are masters of taking things that people are often a bit scared of – flying, roller coasters, freeway accidents etc to which part 5 adds laser eye surgery and acupuncture and shows you exactly why you might be freaked our by them… The good news is that the scenes are filmed with a slickness and delight in wrong footing the audience that allows the gallows humour kick in to full effect.

If you’re at all squeamish then this really isn’t the film for you – the makers really push the boat out on some of the deaths, which include the most painful gymnastic dismount in cinematic history…

"stabbing is one of the less inventive exit scenarios"

The audience is actively encouraged to be voyeuristic gore hounds who applaud while being appalled at the crisp HD 3D squishing of eyeballs, bursting of entrails and splattering of bodies.

Of course death will come to us but in Final Destination 5 it comes with a vengeance! Whether you want to witness potential death at the cinema is up to you…

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öö1/2

(2.5 - been there, died that)...

Awesomeness ööö – sickos might find some here

Laughs öö – less fun than part 4

Horror ööö – some very grim scenes

Babes ööö – Emma Bell is hot

Spiritual Enlightenment öö - you can't cheat death...

"Emma Bell is lovely"

Darkmatters Review: The Inbetweeners Movie

The Inbetweeners Movie (15)

Dir. Ben Palmer

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Right ‘bumders’ prepare yourself for the big screen exploits of some UK youths known as The Inbetweeners…

These aren’t rioting / looting chav scumbags either, these are just average young middle England chaps trying to make it through their teen years. Four friends obsessed with girls, trying to be cool, the hope of sex, having a laugh, dealing with embarrassing parents and exploring the finer points of self-pleasuring themselves.

For those who haven’t had the pleasure of meeting the Inbetweeners they are posh nerd Will Mackenzie (Simon Bird), nice but dim Neil Sutherland (Blake Harrison), sex mad wide boy Jay Cartwright (James Buckley) and your average lovelorn teen Simon Cooper (Joe Thomas). So the pals have survived school – the end of which is marked by a superb ‘leavers speech’ by Head of Sixthform Mr Gilbert (Greg Davies) where he tells the kids in no uncertain terms how little he hopes he’ll ever see them again. Be sure to look out for Gilbert again just as the end credits hit as he has a truly unforgettable final cameo!

"The boys soak up the rays - shame Will has a cock burnt onto his back!"

When Simon gets dumped by his girlfriend / love of his life Carli D'Amato (Emily Head) , the boys decide that only a sun and booze filled holiday in Greece will be only way to take his mind off it.

So the scene is set for a cringe-em-up horror story of cheap package holiday fun which sees the boys drinking copious amounts, getting ripped off, dancing very very badly and trying with various amounts of success to hit on females.

The writers (Damon Beesley and Iain Morris) bring some fantastic situations to the table, which put the characters through humiliation beyond the call of duty. Think The Office played entirely with work experience kids or maybe a British version of American Pie directed by Francis Ford Coppola and you’ll have some idea what to expect.

The Inbetweeners Movie works better than expected – delivering plenty of ‘wrong’ laugh out loud material, some of which will have you wincing at the screen. If you’re one of the Daily Mail reading reactionaries who knock The Inbetweeners for being overly crass, crude and juvenile then you really need to get over yourselves and realise that stupid and over the top as this might be – it’s probably the best insight into young male minds ever.

And as Jay says: “You better bring your wellies, because you'll be knee-deep in clunge.”

"The females on the town"

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö

(4 - every loser wins!?)...

Awesomeness öööö – you may never forget some scenes

Laughs öööö – yes you'll laugh (unless you're dead)

Horror ööö – snorting poo anyone?

Babes öööö – crumpet alert for the 'Pussay Patrol'

Spiritual Enlightenment öö - what happens on holiday, stays on holiday!?

"Laura Haddock - can Will really pull this?"

Darkmatters Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (12)

Dir Rupert Wyatt

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Imagine a new gene therapy that enabled the brain to repair itself – it could be the cure for Alzheimer's, it could change everything…
Of course there will be some who’ll say that we shouldn’t test new drugs like this on animals but with the potential for such great medical progress – surely monitoring the effect it has on a few apes is a risk worth taking? What’s the worst that could happen?

Bio engineer Will Rodman (James ‘new Spiderman’ Franco) is the scientist who created the potential wonder drug ALZ-112. His first ape trial goes wrong but he takes Caesar the child of his brain boosted lab monkey home and raises him in his home. Caesar (played by an amazingly effective motion-captured Andy Serkis) is the most empathetic character in the film – so when he is put in a nasty ape sanctuary and abused it pulls at the heartstrings. In fact I was still rooting for him when he’d managed to assemble of like-minded apes and was battling the authorities.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes as the name suggests is the prequel to Planet of the Apes, not necessarily the Tim Burton effort either. Taking Franklin J. Schaffner's 1968 sci-fi classic as the starting point – director Rupert Wyatt ditches the original’s blatant racism metaphor and goes for a more action thriller build up. The cast which includes John Lithgow as Will’s Alzheimer's afflicted father do all they can but it is the monkey business that you’ll go home talking about.

It’s very well done too – the special effects are eye poppingly impressive and the action scenes rousing. The apes are going down well in the States where this has just become the fourth biggest August film opening ever.

"They may take our bananas - but they'll never take our FREEDOM!"

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a great fun film – it delivers big time on entertainment and stands out amongst the glut of action flicks hitting this screen this summer by being the only one I really can’t wait to see follow made for.

Here we are then, human, top of the food chain (at least until the sequel) and what have we achieved? Well, on the strength of this - it looks like it might not be too long before the apes get their act together enough to make an exciting film about their own destruction and then pay money to watch it. But hey, until then let’s revel in the fact that we beat them to it!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö

(4 - quality monkey business that needs to be seen)...

Awesomeness öööö – very cool human / ape interaction

Laughs öö – not a laugh riot but a few funnies

Horror ööö – things get a bit hairy

Babes öö – average female mate possibilities

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö - maybe we should keep the intelligence to ourselves?

"Freida Pinto - scientifically approved great legs!"

Darkmatters Review: Cars 2

Cars 2 (U)

Dir. John Lasseter, Brad Lewis

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“This is agent Leeland Turbo. I have a flash transmission for agent Finn McMissile, my cover's been compromised. Everything's gone pear-shaped. You won't believe what I've found out here. This is bigger than anything we've ever seen…”

Bbrrrrmmmm, yes the cars are back on the big screen and this time the stakes have been raised. It’s not just speed that counts now, but in the face of a dangerous international plot – the heroes will need gadgets and weapons if they are to survive.

Disney / PIXAR studios have a fantastic track record when it comes to creating brilliant animated films. So the pressure to create a worthy follow up to their excellent Cars (which is the film that has made them the most cash to date thanks to the millions of toys it has sold) has yielded a sequel but is it any good?

In a word ‘yes’ the creative team have managed to effectively inject some decent action thrills to the racing formula. This time Mater (Larry the Cable Guy) and his best mate Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) get drawn into a deadly conspiracy involving a new bio-fuel. Luckily top British secret agent Finn McMissile (Michael Caine) and his sexy sidekick Holly Shiftwell (Emily Mortimer) are on hand to help.

There is plenty of slapstick danger thanks to an evil genius who has assembled an army of ‘Lemons’ – clunker cars that are fed up with always breaking down… When Mater inadvertently gets tagged with holding some secret photos he becomes the world’s least likely spy car – equipped with rotary cannons and nitro boosters.

I was a bit worried that the gunplay and secret agent high-jinks wouldn’t work with the Cars characters but the look of sheer joy on my youngest son’s face as he witnessed them won me over. Sir Michael Caine is excellent as the lead British super agent and bags lots of the best lines.

Lightening McQueen’s relationship with Mater forms the emotional heart of the film, which again triumphs friendship over everything else.
The automobile animations are unbelievably shiny and there are lots of nice film references and in jokes to keep the adults amused as the family friendly action rocks along to a satisfying climax.

Cars 2 might not be an original vintage model but it is an exciting new addition to the range and one that you should certainly consider taking for a spin this Summer!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö1/2

(3.5 - shiny Summer speedster fun)...

Awesomeness ööö – when Mater breaks out his guns the audience cheered!

Laughs ööö – enough to raise some chuckles

Horror ö – mild peril anyone?

Babes öö – nice bodywork on some models!?

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö - bio fuel can save your soul?

"Holly Shiftwell by name..."

Darkmatters Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (12a)

Dir. David Yates

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


“Hermione, when have any of our plans actually ever worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose!”

Listen up muggles – we Potter fans have waited, we’ve read the books, we’ve watched so many of these films that have generally been ok but all has been leading up to this final chapter…

Yes, the big magical smack down finally happens as Harry (Dan Radcliffe), Ron (Rupert Grint), and Hermione (Emma Watson) speed through their deathly dullness quest to find and destroy Dark Lord Voldermort's remaining plot filler devices, sorry, ‘Horcruxes’ which hold the fragments of his soul. That done Harry must also grapple with other set of magical plot filler devices known as the mystical ‘Deathly Hallows’ – you know that wand, cape and stone which can somehow help take big baldly baddie Voldemort down.

"The dragon is a moment of joy"

So now we’re ready for the biggest, baddest, most kick ass battle to ever grace the Harry Potter world… And then, before you can say “is that it?” the whole thing is over – over with only fleeting moments of awesomeness. Yes, I’m a Potter fan but I also love a good battle scene in a movie – especially the climax to a great series like say ‘Lord of the Rings’… So I left Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 feeling a bit let down.

Sure the plot had been tied up and we even got to see the surviving characters in their ‘normal’ lives 19 years after the battle but I wanted epic-ness and what we got was decent but in no way epic.

Yes Deathly Hallows part 2 has fantastic special effects and all the cast go about their business well enough but where were the moments of sheer desperate heroics? Why did the writer / director think it was a good idea to mess with the locations of key events from the book and most of all – why were we viewers cheated out of seeing just how major characters fell?

Loyal Potter fans deserved better than this – which every time it threatens to be awesome, wimps out instead to general dissatisfaction.

So Harry goes out with a smile and a wave rather than all wands blazing - I leave you with Lord Voldermort’s words which could sum up Steve Kloves the screenwriter of Deathly Hallows: Part 2:

“Do not despair at his betrayal. You, none of you, were ever in his heart. Not for one single, solitary beat.”


Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö

(4 - still a good watch even if it could have been so much more!)...

Awesomeness ööö – nearly awesome at several points

Laughs öö – only sporadic funnies

Horror öö – not disturbing enough!

Babes öööö – Emma Watson is still very sexy, especially in Bellatrix's outfit!

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö - probably something in here somewhere...

"It's a DM tradition to post random pics of Emma in each HP review!"

"one more for luck"

Darkmatters review of Deathly Hallows Part One

Darkmatters Review: SUPER

SUPER (18)

Dir. James Gunn

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Shut Up Crime!!”

There comes a time when society pushes people too far. When someone snaps and decides to stand up to the rampant crime and sheer injustice…

That man is KICK ASS, no wait, that was last year…

That man is The Crimson Bolt (Rainn Wilson) also known as big time loser Frank D’Arbo. Franks a religious guy whose had a rubbish life – he has just two moments that he’s been proud of ‘his golden moments’ one was when he tipped off a policeman as which way a robber ran, and the other was his wedding day to his unfeasibly hot wife, Sarah (Liv Tyler).

One day Sarah leaves Frank for a slick pimp / drug dealer called Jacques (a nicely slimy Kevin Bacon). It triggers a breakdown / psychosis in Frank who sees a vision of the ‘finger of God’ touch his brain and answers what he believes to be calls of a ultra fundamentalist religious TV show starring a saintly superhero The Holy Avenger (Nathan ‘Serenity / Firefly’ Fillion) to take the fight to evil… So “The Crimson Bolt” is born with a mission to take the fight to evil with his battle cry of “SHUT UP CRIME!”

"Ellen page = hot sidekick Boltie"

Director James Gunn cameos as ‘Demonswill’ – Holy Avenger’s nemesis and has a blast in trying to lead teens into sexual promiscuity and general debauchery. But the film is totally stolen by the Crimson Bolt’s sexy sidekick ‘Boltie’ otherwise known as Libby (Ellen ‘Inception’ Page channelling the spirit of a sexed up older ‘Hit Girl’)… She throws all inhibitions aside and delivers a performance that has ‘iconic’ written all over it.

Super is an edgy and supremely ‘wrong’ film – not for anyone who can’t deal with darkest possible humour and grim violence. Several critics seem to have seriously missed the point – moaning about how Super isn’t a Kick Ass 2. I’d just say that Super works as more twisted comic sidepiece to Kick Ass, same genre, very different films.

Challenging, heartfelt and scattershot – Super is a film that doesn’t know any boundaries and is all the better for it. Do the words ‘cult classic’ mean anything to you?

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö

(4 - over the edge and spewing black fumes)...

Awesomeness öööö – seriously awesome in places

Laughs öööö – very funny but worryingly wrong

Horror öööö – disturbing stuff ahoy

Babes öööö – hot sidekick action

Spiritual Enlightenment öööö - touched by the hand of God

"everyone needs a sidekick"

Darkmatters Review: The TREE of LIFE

The TREE of LIFE (12a)

Dir. Terrence Malick

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? ...while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?” (Job 38)

GRACE: "Grace doesn't try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries."

NATURE: "Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things."

Terrence Malick’s Palme d’Or winner, starring Brad Pitt, Sean Penn and Jessica Chastain, is his first film in six years, The TREE of LIFE is a hymn to life, excavating answers to the most haunting and personal human questions through a kaleidoscope of the intimate and the cosmic, from the raw emotions of a family in a small Texas town to the wildest, infinite edges of space and time, from a boy’s loss of innocence to a man’s transforming encounters with awe, wonder and transcendence.

I took at group of students from the London School of Theology (LST) to see a screening and they recorded their reactions to the film here: http://www.lst.ac.uk/hot-topics/the-tree-of-life 

Exploring the struggle between brute nature and spiritual grace and how they shape not only our lives as individuals and families but all life is a big topic for a film and The TREE of LIFE employs an epic tapestry to probe the incredible deep spirituality that flows through and all around our lives.

The film is certainly a unique experience and won't be everybody's cup of tea but it is incredibly rich - and some of the cosmic imagery I don't think I'll ever forget.

The plot (what little there is if it) follows a young boy and tracks how his life is affected by his mother's "grace" and his father's brute "nature". The searching philosophical issues that swirl throughout the film are wrought with intense emotion and played out through a staggering mixture of biological, chemical and geographical imagery. An unstable timeline that leaps back and forth from the moment of the 'Big Bang' through one family's lives and onwards into the afterlife.

Be prepared for something unlike any other film - the closest is probably 2001: A Space Odyssey, or Enter The Void - but The TREE of LIFE is a brave and deeply personal piece that cuts to the very core of our own creation.

As Mr. O'Brien, Brad Pitt gives a steely, measured and altogether wonderful performance - minutes go by with no dialogue but he shows emotions the resonate with us with just a look or an expression... He's man broken inside, where behind his pious exterior lurks a shamed and irreconcilable yearning for the 'grace' that his wife exudes. Yet he cannot allow himself to move to the closer relationship with God that might let him experience the world through wider lens.

Malick shows us the whole family relationship from the POV the boys as they try to make sense of their father (who wants them to "man up"), their mother who is always there for them and God... As the titular  tree grows - we see it in prehistoric times as dinosaurs frolic past, ,and again Jack's childhood garden - there is a memorable line when his mother tells him that he will be grown before the tree is - and then again in the corporate world where Sean Penn sees it from his slick office...

Challenge yourself - see The TREE of LIFE and reflect on life, the universe and everything!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööööö

(5 - I didn't know how to name You then. But I see it was You. Always You were calling me)...

Awesomeness ööööö – God is the essence of awesome

Laughs öö – a few heartfelt moment of joy

Horror öö – human 'brute' nature isn't nice

Babes öö – she's a lovely mum

Spiritual Enlightenment ööööö - Help each other. Love everyone. Every leaf. Every ray of light. Forgive.

"The way of Grace... looks good"

Darkmatters Review: Holy Rollers

Holy Rollers (15)

Dir. Kevin Asch

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Who’d have thought that one of the biggest threats to the US in the war on drugs was actually the Hasidic Jews? Nope, not me, but thanks to seeing Holy Rollers I now know that it was the lovely ringletted Jewish young people who managed to import over a million ecstasy pills into America in a couple of years in the 90’s.

Holy Rollers might be a work of fiction but the facts of the story are that because nobody suspected the Jewish travelers – they managed to hoodwink the custom authorities and clean up financially.

Sam (Jesse ‘The Social Network’ Eisenberg) is feeling repressed by his devout father (Mark Ivanir) who is fully orthodox to the max. Enter stage right Yosef (Justin Bartha) who tempts Sam into his world of transporting “medicine” from Amsterdam for easy money. Of course it isn’t actually medicine – it’s shipments of ecstasy but Sam is hooked on the cash flow attached to this business model.

Holy Rollers takes this interesting plot and lets first time Director Kevin Asch spin it out over what feels like an eternity. Really the film drags so badly that I thought I was going to die from brain inactivity halfway through… None of the acting is bad and the production values are good, so it is fairly inexplicably as to why the film sucks so much overall.

Maybe it is because nobody seems to know exactly what tone to adopt – is it a deep study of the Jewish way of life and how it was subverted by the money grabbing drug dealers? Or maybe a crime thriller – just minus anything resembling a ‘thrill’…

A brief moment of interest arises when Yosef's hot girlfriend Rachel (Ari ‘Date Night’ Graynor) tempts Sam to maybe run off with her but again the plotline goes nowhere and all that is left is to wait for the inevitable downfall and bust of Sam et al…

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ö1/2

(1.5 - don't do drugs)...

Awesomeness ö – nothing very awesome here

Laughs öö – couple of giggles

Horror öö – really needed more tension

Babes ööö – Ari Graynor thumbs up!

Spiritual Enlightenment öö – Hishtalem my brothers

If looking for a good movie this week – don’t do drugs (or Holy Rollers).

"Ari Graynor - almost makes Holy Rollers watchable"

Darkmatters Review: Transformers Dark of the Moon

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (12a)

Dir. Michael Bay

Reviewed by Matt ‘Optimus’ Adcock

“Years from now, they are gonna ask us: where were you when they took over the planet?”

The Transformers films are a hard to explain phenomena. Director Michael Bay has created three all conquering box office juggernauts that pack cutting edge special effects and dialogue so bad that it could be classified as a crime against nature. Whilst film critics generally hate them, millions of people flock to see them and buy them on DVD, download and blu-ray too for good measure.

"stupid robots... oh wait"

My youngest son is ten years old, has been counting the days until Dark of the Moon opened. He has an extensive collection of Transformer figures and has been playing the Transformers: Dark of the Moon game on his PlayStation 3 religiously since it came out. In order to maintain some sort of subjectivity I took not only my son but also a hard-line Transformers sceptic in the shape of Mr Tom Wade (teacher, film lover and man who really hated both the first two Transformers films).

The plot is that during the final days of the war that devastated the Transformers’ home world of Cybertron, a spacecraft known as The Ark attempted to escape. It was shot down and crashed onto our moon where its pilot Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy) has sat stranded ever since. In 1961, the crash of the Ark on the moon is detected by NASA and President John F Kennedy fast tracks the Apollo 11 with the express mission of finding out more

Now the evil Decepticons led by Megatron (Hugo Weaving) are planning to use the cargo from The Ark to take over our world. All that stands between us and total annihilation are a handful of brave Autobots led by Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), oh and an annoying young guy Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) plus his new hottie girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley).

That’s about all you need to know – everything else is eye-popping special effects as the robots battle alongside brave marines. Buildings are trashed in spectacular style, people die to the powerchords of Linkin Park and Paramore while robots convincingly tear each other apart and everyone except Tom Wade goes home happy.

"The ruins of Chicago - Michael Bay style"

For sheer stupid sci-fi thrills, investing 2 hours 37 minutes of your life to see Transformers: Dark of the Moon just might be the best thing you do this year… You owe it to your inner ten year old.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö

(4 - Earth's last stand rocks)...

Awesomeness öööö – Serious awesome metalic battle mayhem

Laughs ööö – stupid dumb fun (some unintentional)

Horror öö – more civilian deaths than previous Transformers and a couple more robots buy it too

Babes öööö – Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has great bodywork (see below)

Spiritual Enlightenment öööö – humans have capacity for spirituality that robots can only dream of...

Darkmatters review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Darkmatters review of Transformers

"Rosie Huntington-Whiteley - robo babe" 

Darkmatters Review: X-Men First Class

X-Men First Class (12a)

Dir. Matthew Vaughn

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

2011’s cinematic summer is shaping up to be ‘super’ saturated with a host of high profile superhero films. Here we have X-Men First Class which will soon be joined by Captain American and Green Lantern, plus Thor is still in cinemas. So should comic book fans be smiling or are they getting milked by studios who are just churning out easy cash making wins? I have to declare an interest here – I’m a big superhero fan (yep that was me dressed as Kick Ass this weekend at my 40^th B’day fancy dress party!? - see below). So I’m looking forward to seeing just how many super themed films people have an appetite for.

"Kick Ass - faster than a speeding bullet... to see the real pics check my facebook gallery" 

X-Men First Class is the obligatory prequel to the existing X-Men films telling the tale of how before Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and Erik Lensherr (Michael Fassbender) took the names Professor X and Magneto, they were two young men discovering their powers for the first time.

"Matt and Mike at play..."

Yes, before they were archenemies, these two powerful mutants were close friends, working together, with others of their kind (some familiar, some new), to stop the threat of all out nuclear war. It’s a fun premise and Matthew ‘Kick Ass’ Vaughn handles the fusion of real world situation namely the Cuban Missile Crisis - with the fantasy elements of super powered mutants getting into the heart of the action - with finesse.  

X-Men First Class is not your standard stupid popcorn superhero movie. This is film that will engage your brain just as much as it dazzles the eyes with impressive action set pieces. There are plenty of fan pleasing moments such as finding out how the X-Men got their names and some excellent cameos which I won’t spoil for you. The writers have obviously worked hard to retrofit this prequel so that it makes sense in relation to the existing films – and yet also leaves the door open for more prequel follow ups.

Knowing how the Professor X / Magneto situation will develop in the future doesn’t distract from the sheer joy of seeing just why a rift opens between them - which will begin the eternal war between Magneto's Brotherhood and Professor X's X-Men.

The special effects are superb – and of the unfamiliar mutants on the block underwear clad Emma Frost (January Jones), Azazel (Jason Flemyng) and Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) all stand out.

X-Men First Class lives up to it’s name as quality super entertainment. A hero flick recommended not just for comic book fans.   

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö1/2

(4.5 - First Class by name and by nature)...

Awesomeness öööö – When the X-Men let rip with their powers it all kicks off!

Laughs ööö – Funny in places

Horror öö – Nothing too grim - could have kick more ass as a '15'

Babes ööö – Emma Frost is the eye candy - see below

Spiritual Enlightenment öööö – Human nature is divided

"who needs a outfit when you've got underwear?"

here's what the film critics think overall:

Darkmatters Review: The Hangover pt II

The Hangover part II (15)

Director: Todd Philips

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Two years ago, many men laughed until they cried as The Hangover set a terrifying new benchmark for stag night insanity. Sensitive souls yet to tie the knot (and their girlfriends) – looked on it horror at just what debauched antics men can get up to in the name of fun... Either way The Hangover’s Wolfpack of guys made big bucks and so as sure as night follows day, here comes Hangover II.

Plot wise, this is pretty much more of the same from the first installment, it’s not fresh and it is pretty predictable but that still doesn’t stop it being funny. And, as is par for a sequel, the set pieces are more messed up and played for higher shock value. So if you’re going to take this heady trip to Bangkok, get ready for even more crude and controversial drug, sex, nudity and eye-wateringly violent humour.

"what just happened?"

This time the Wolfpack – smooth Phil (Bradley Cooper), wimpy Stu (Ed Helms), sensible Doug (Justin Bartha) and crazy Alan (Zach Galifianakis) are geared up for Stu’s forthcoming Thai wedding. Even though he protests that he doesn’t want a bachelor's party, before you can say ‘who drugged the campfire marshmallows?’ the guys are waking up in the aftermath of a very very wrong night on the town.

"It's happened again!" is the disgruntled cry and thus the chase is on to try and work out exactly why Stu has woken up with a Mike Tyson tribal facial tattoo, they have a chain-smoking, willy nibbling monkey in a denim jacket in their hotel room and Stu’s soon to be brother in law - 16-year-old genius Teddy (Mason Lee), is AWOL is missing, apart from his detached finger.

Also back for seconds is Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) — you might remember him as the naked Asian guy who leapt out and attacked the guys in part 1. He’s now pals with Alan and serves no real purpose apart from getting the gang into some more contrived dodgy scrapes. Paul Giamatti does a cameo complete with some good one liners but overall Director Todd Philips is on comedy autopilot and doesn’t push his material in the direction of ‘hilarious’ nearly often enough.

The Hangover part 2 is no classic but if you’re after a no brain dose of crude fun, there are just about enough funny moments to make this worth a look.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö

(3 - still funny, and wrong but not fresh now)...

Awesomeness ööö – Certain scenes are great (e.g. monkey nibbling willy)

Laughs öööö – Funny stuff ahoy

Horror öö – Not too much unless you freak seeing men's tackle

Babes öö – Ladyboys aren't my cup of tea

Spiritual Enlightenment ööö – Spirituality through friendship?

Darkmatters Review: Attack the Block

Attack the Block (15)

Director: Joe Cornish

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

There are worse things than hoodies loose on the streets tonight…

It seems that angry homicidal aliens have decided to attack earth – and the invasion begins on a run down London block of flats. But the feral aliens who look like the unholy love children of King Kong and the Wolfman - with added glowing jaws, have picked the wrong block.

This directorial debut from Joe Cornish (of Adam and Joe fame) brings his street cred brand of humour to the big screen and delivers a wonderfully watchable horror sci-fi comedy mash up. With key pals such as Edgar ‘Shaun Of The Dead’ Wright on board to produce, Attack the Block is a slick, brilliant monster fight-em-up which feels a lot like an British unseen John Carpenter classic.

Starting with the all-too-real-feeling street mugging of young nurse Sam (Jodie Whittaker) by fifteen year old, knife wielding hoodie Moses (a powerful performance from newcomer John Boyega) the film brings a welcome sense of darkness and danger from the off. The yoof’s in Moses’s gang are your average bunch of teens who are presented as simply caught up in the drugs and crime lifestyle that permeates their estate.

"bad men on the block"

Joe Cornish creates a scarily believable snapshot of youth culture backed up with superbly authentic dialogue which really sucks you in and makes Attack the Block absolutely essential viewing for anyone who has / teaches / works with today’s teenage kids. Even with the mass of gory sci-fi killings punctuating the action, this film takes the time to let you get to know the young lead characters. They come out with lines like “I just want to go home, shut the door, and play some FIFA”… You might be surprised that despite their Daily Mail demonization, these hoodies are just really scared kids who have to keep up their ‘bad man’ images just to survive.

The special effects of the aliens are well handled and the threat of violent death at the jaws of the hairy extra terrestrials really amp up the tension. Attack the Block delivers some of the best human vs creature action to hit the big screen this year. I found myself grinning like a loon as the young heroes battle the aliens with fireworks, baseball bats and water pistols filled with petrol.

Everything comes together really well and builds to a satisfying climax – which is more cinematic than you’d expect from the fairly modest budget available. Attack the Block is your best ticket for hard edged sci-fi action mixed with street level laughs and a quality British feel good time.

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

öööö1/2

(4.5 - merk those negative preconceptions)...

Awesomeness öööö – bring the badman heroics bruv

Laughs öööö – I laughed out loud many times

Horror ööö – some gory scenes and lots of menace

Babes ööö – Jodie is nice

Spiritual Enlightenment öööö – hoodies can be heroes

Darkmatters Review: THOR

Thor (12a)

Director: Kenneth Branagh

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Thor, Odin's Son, through your arrogance and stupidity, you have opened these peaceful realms and innocent lives to the mild devastation of an overly long and fairly pointless superhero flick that lacks the thrills to really put it on the map…

Yes Marvel is busy gearing up for The Avengers next year which will see the ultimate comic book fan geek- out cast of Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America (see him hit the big screen later this summer) and Thor – the Norse god of thunder, amongst others.

"Loki whose been a naughty god"

So lovvie bothering Kenneth Branagh is tasked with directing this big budget ‘origins tale’ which maps out the back story of how Thor comes to earth and falls for cute mortal local girl Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) who just happens to be a renegade astrophysicist. Yes the huge helmeted, even bigger hammer-wielding blonde immortal hunk decides that earth is the place for him to protect based on his feelings for one young lady. Fair enough.

The film’s action bounces back and forth between modern day planet earth and the shiny retro camp realm of the gods – Asgard – which looks like it’s been borrowed from a Flash Gordon remake. Boss of the gods and father to Thor is Anthony Hopkins’ one eyed Odin who is trying to keep peace with the nasty god slaying Frost Giants from the adjacent realm of ‘Jotunheim’. The Frost Giants look like angry giant red eyed Smurfs and serve as rent-a-baddie source of enemies to feel the wrath of Thor’s magical hammer ‘Mjöllnir’.

The action scenes are duly spectacular if a bit soulless and as my son complained afterwards – there just aren’t enough of them but Thor (played to perfection by Chris ‘A Perfect Getaway’ Hemsworth) is good value and very charismatic in the lead role.

Supporting cast action comes from the likes of Stellan ‘Girl With Dragon Tattoo’ Skarsgard as Professor Erik Selvig (who’ll be back in The Avengers), kooky intern Darcy (Kat Dennings) and main bad guy / Thor’s brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston).

"Portman seems to be in every film released this year"

Samuel L Jackson does his regular post-credits scene as Shield’s Nick Fury plus other Avengers references include agents asking if Loki’s destroyer robot is ‘one of Stark’s suits’ and even a quick intro of another Avenger superhero Hawkeye.

If you’re looking for some big stupid super thrills, then Thor delivers just enough to make it worth a look. This probably won’t be anyone’s favourite superhero film but it does keep the momentum building towards Avengers which just might be the best one ever!?

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:

ööö

(3 - slick superhero fun but no classic)...

Awesomeness ööö – has its moments

Laughs ööö – some quality laughs

Horror öö – nothing very grim

Spiritual Enlightenment öööö – norse god morals run strong

Darkmatters Review: FAST FIVE

Fast Five (12a)


Dir. Justin Lin

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Chances are sooner or later, we are gonna end up behind bars or buried in a ditch somewhere. But not today…”

…Today we go see some stupid, larger than life car crime based action!

Since the original The Fast and The Furious blasted big car race / chase undercover cop thrills onto the big screen ten years ago, it has become the go-to franchise for auto adrenalin.

Now as the title kind of suggests we’re riding for the fifth time with the speed-freak crew of former undercover cop Brian O'Conner (Paul Walker) and his main man partner - ex-con Dom Toretto (Vin Diesel). Although if you want to be pedantic about it these two main characters skipped part 3 but hey, they’re back again now after reuniting in 2009’s Fast and Furious.

In case you missed part 4, you should know that since O’Conner and his girlfriend / Toretto’s sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) broke Dom out of custody, they've blown across many borders to elude authorities. Now backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last $100 million job in order to finally gain their freedom.

"check the crew"

The pals get an expert team of racers and crime specialists together in order to try and pull off the massive heist. As usual the authorities are hot on their heels and led for sheer fun factor this time by the hard-nosed federal agent Luke Hobbs (The Rock / Dwayne Johnson) who you just know is going to get into a macho fist fight with Diesel at some point. But as well as the cops, the heroic car racing thieves are being hunted by corrupt crime kingpin Reyes (Joaquim de Almeida) who won’t stop until they are all dead.

Fast Five is an improbably exciting and altogether superior sequel which will delight fans of any of the original four films. The action scenes are slick and frankly superb, especially the climax heist which brings possibly the most insane on road action you’re ever likely to see. Also big F & F fans shouldn’t leave until you’ve seen the additional scene that follows the credits – which points to a possible 6th entry…

Director Justin Lin, who has form for these movies having made the last two, is getting better each time. Fast Five shamelessly injects extra crowd pleasing elements such as a kick ass Call of Duty style gunfight to complement the fast and erm, furious driving action.

Car loving ladies and gentlemen, get down to the cinema and start your engines!!

Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:
öööö

(4 - far better than anyone expected!? )...

Awesomeness öööö – fast and furious action a go go

Laughs öö – mildly funny (best not taken at all seriously)

Horror öö – some deaths but not much brutality

Babes öööö – Elsa Pataky and Gal Gadot are v. hot!

Spiritual Enlightenment öö – live fast, die young?

"Elsa Pataky wears the short shorts"