Darkmatters Review: Zombieland

Zombieland (15)

Dir. Ruben Fleischer

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: topzombie

Welcome to Zombieland – a near future USA where pretty much everyone has been turned into crazed flesh eating zombies by a strange ‘mad cow derivative’ virus. There are a few souls who did not succumb to zombiedom but these unfortunates now find themselves on the menu and in need of a strict list of rules if they are to survive.

Average Joe college boy Columbus (Jesse ‘The Squid and the Whale’ Eisenberg) is ahead of the game having already compiled his list, the highlights of which are:

#1: Cardio – be sure you can outrun zombies!
#2: Beware of Bathrooms – don’t get eaten with your trousers down.
#3: Seatbelts – if you have to crash you car to shake off zombies, be prepared.
#4: Double Tap – make sure every zombie you put down is dead – that extra shot to the head helps!
and my favourite:
#32 Enjoy the little things – like Twinkies before their best before date…

"are you getting the subliminal message about nuts?"

Right from the effectively grisly opening credit montage of zombie attacks set to Metallica's "For Whom the Bell Tolls" this is a US rom-zom-com which comes across like a spiritual big budget follow up to Shawn of the Dead. And just like Shawn, here we have witty dialogue backed up with a likeable cast whose well being you’ll actually care about. This is a rare immediate cult classic that delivers on every level.

Zombieland goes hard for the action vein thanks to Woody Harrelson as wanton zombie slayer ‘Tallahassee’ who gets to wield an impressive number of weapons while trying to track down a Twinkie. The violence is well balanced with some fantastic comedy moments – including the year’s best cameo from one of the Ghostbusters. Director Fleischer doesn’t try to do anything other than entertain; throwing in audacious set pieces that had the audience I caught this with cheering out loud. One such scene has super hot babe of the moment Amber Heard seeking refuge from our nerdy hero Columbus’s arms – only to transform into the best looking zombie you’re likely to see and try and eat him.



"don't let her go down on you!"

The romantic interest comes in the shapely form of Emma Stone’s Wichita, a sassy scam artist who is looking out for her little sister ‘Little Rock’ (Abigail ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ Breslin). So can Columbus ‘nut up’ and get the girl in the face of this zombie apocalypse? You’ll have a riot finding out – Zombieland is highly recommended nonsense, bring on a sequel!

Out of a possible 5 you have to go with:

Darkmatters final rating of: öööö (4 - nut up or shut up... this rocks hard!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 5 (top notch!)

Style 3 (Like a classy zombie graphic novel come to life)

Babes 4 (Amber Heard + Emma Stone are great!)

Comedy 4 (very funny - Bill Murray especially)

Horror 4 (some satisfyingly grim mutilations)

Spiritual Enlightenment 3 (everyone should have a code of rules to live by)

Darkmatters Review: The Invention of Lying

The Invention of Lying (12a)

Dir. Ricky Gervais and Matthew Robinson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Godbothering

Imagine a world where nobody can lie – not even to create fiction or do any promotional spin. So, in keeping with the spirit of this alternative reality, here’s my fully honest review of the weak and slightly boring new ‘comedy’ film from Ricky Gervais.

The Invention of Lying takes the interesting ‘tell the brutal truth at all times’ idea and has some fun with it for a while. The characters in the film don’t so much have to tell the truth, but seem to have a Tourette’s Syndrome that makes them blurt out whatever they are thinking. For example everyone who meets our hero, Mark Bellison (Ricky Gervais), tells him to his face that they think he’s a “fat loser”. At the start of the film even Mark has to abide by the severe honesty convention and so we join him on an amusingly disastrous date with the lovely Anna McDoogles (Jennifer ‘Juno’ Garner).

Things take a dramatic change however when after being sacked Mark is about to be evicted. When in the bank his brain has a misfire and allows him to tell the first lie ever – telling the bank clerk that he has more money in his account than is the case.
Getting away with this he uses his new found skill of deception to seduce women, gain fame and amass a fortune. The one thing he cannot do however is convince Anna who fears having his "chubby, snub-nosed kids", to love him.


"Hey chubby loser, I'm way out of your league!!"

Among his webs of lies Mark tells his dying mother who is scared to go into ‘eternal nothingness’ that there is a heaven where everything is fantastic. Overheard by medical staff this sets in motion the concept of religion and soon the whole world wants to know about the afterlife and what ‘The man in the sky who controls everything’ (who only speaks to Mark) wants us to do. The film falters slightly at this point and it feels that committed atheist Gervais is searching his heart, outlining his issues with God in this very public forum, I hope it helps him find some sort of spiritual peace. The Invention of Lying's aspirations, might be to jump on the Richard Dawkins train of anti-belief but the film can’t quite bring itself to depict faith as being anything other than a beneficial force for mankind overall.

What really torpedoes The Invention of Lying though is that the comedy dries up as in so many formula and under par rom-coms, and that alas is the whole truth!


Darkmatters final rating out of 10: öööö (4 – annoying when it should have been cool & witty)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 5 (not much)

Style 5 (feels a lot like Ghost Town did last year)

Babes 7 (Garner is still yummy)

Comedy 8 (biting and very funny but it runs out too soon)

Horror 3 (not much unless you fear chubby losers)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (Made me happy to be a believer)

Darkmatters Review: Colin McRae: DiRT 2

Colin McRae: DiRT 2

Reviewed by Matt ‘Colin McRae’ Adcock

Brrrrrmmmm – that’s the sound of me burning around a gorgeously detailed rally track, mud spraying from the back of my 1995 Subaru Impreza WRX STi. I’m racing seven other players online with a rock solid frame rate and wonderfully responsive car controls.
Marvel as I close in on the leader, it’s the last lap and he’s taken one of the final corners a little wide. Without hesitating I floor it and slam into the same corner in a four wheel sideways skid. The front of my Subaru catches the back bumper of his Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X, spinning him around wildly, allowing me to speed past and win – the howls of his frustration ringing in my Bluetooth headset…

DiRT 2 is a fantastic game; I have no hesitation in saying that it is currently the peak of virtual off-road driving fun (sure I love both the Motorstorm games but DiRT 2 trumps em)…


"jaws hit the floor - bone crunching jumps are par for the course!"

I’ve always slightly harboured a desire to be a rally driver, up until the day that my wife bought me some time in a real rally car with a pro-instructor who taught me how to powerslide – but also opened my eyes to just how easy it would be to die when tearing through a tree lined course at 150mph!? So I’m happy to stick with a virtual representation of the sport and have played all the Colin McRae games, Sega Rally games, WRC games etc… The first DiRT was good but DiRT 2 is something else…

Massively comprehensive in the range of tracks, cars and modes, superbly playable even for off-road noobs and polished to exquisite levels of presentation, this is one of those rare games that come along once in blue moon and deliver on all fronts. There are even voice responses from the main Rally drivers of the day including Ken Block (whiny) and Dave Mirra (brusk) which adds to the fun when you ‘accidentally’ slam one of them over a cliff edge…
Online this is as addictive as a rally car shaped crack pipe, gratifying and loaded with that ‘one more go’ factor. There are some nicely balanced Trophies to collect – the lure of the elusive but attainable Platinum keeps pulling you back.

If you’ve ever wanted to drive fast off road – this should be the next game you buy… As Tyler Durden might say “It doesn’t get better than this… Good to the last drop!”

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Check this superb advert...

Am loving the Uncharted 2: Among Thieves Beta... and can't wait for the whole game!!

Darkmatters Review: Surrogates

Surrogates (12)

Dir. Jonathan Mostow

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: i-Robot-too

What do you get if you take a cool graphic novel, add Bruce Willis and let the director of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines loose with it? Well, ‘Surrogates’ it seems…


Oh dear…

I don’t know what happened but Surrogates which had everything going for it to be a smash action sci-fi with an interesting subtext about humanity, terrorism and what it is to really ‘live’ – turns out to be steamingly average adaptation that lacks drive and action.

"this is how it should have looked!"

It all kicks off with a murder the first one for years thanks to the use of ‘Surrogates’ – full life size robots that fulfil every human need (whilst we slob out in our homes controlling them with our minds). The FBI are soon on the case with agents Tom Greer (Bruce Willis) and Peters (Radha Mitchell) who stumble over a plot involving a new Surrogate busting weapon that could spell the end for everyone using a surrogate – i.e. most of us.

The plot is weak - a very watered down sanitized version of the original source material by Robert Venditti… You know you’re in trouble when the cliff hanger ending is focussed around somebody having to type a key on a keyboard to save the day… very poor!

"What could go wrong? Try watching the film..."

Issues such as how do you have a relationship when you’re partner insists on using a Surrogate – as Greer’s wife Maggie (Rosamund Pike) – are fumbled and even the nice nods and references don’t ease the gnawing pain that this could and should have been so much better…

"looks like she needs new batteries"

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööö (6 – two of those marks are because I love Brucie)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (needed a bit more really)

Style 7 (B-movie in big budget guise?)

Babes 6 (Rosamund Pike is very watchable)

Comedy 5 (laughable acting in places)

Horror 6 (some disturbing elements – the most being ‘why is Bruce Willis in this mediocre movie?)

Spiritual Enlightenment 5 (life through a Surrogate isn’t real life)

Darkmatters Review: Fame

Fame (PG)

Dir. Kevin Tancharoen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: Remembermyname

“Baby look at me, and tell me what you see. You ain't seen the best of me yet, give me time I'll make you forget the rest…”

Fame is back retooled for a new generation and much to my wife’s disgust – without a legwarmer in sight… The basic plot is the same, take one group of variously talented dancers, singers and actors, track them over their four years at the New York City High School of Performing Arts and watch as their dreams either come true or crash and burn.

It’s kind of like X-Factor boot camp but without the judges, and with less convincing ‘talent’.

"Kherington Payne... looks amazing"

The film stands and falls on the personalities of the students we get to follow and that is where the 2009 version doesn’t match up to the 1980 original. First up we have cute but wet Jenny Garrison (Kay ‘Ellen Page lite’ Panabaker) who is struggling with being horribly repressed. She falls for Marco (Asher Book) who is a talented singer but doesn’t take life seriously. Then there’s Victor Taveras (Walter Perez) who is a wannabe producer who falls for supernova hot but aloof blonde dancing sensation Alice Ellerton (Kherington Payne). There’s also a token Hannah Montana graduate in Anna Maria Perez who plays ditzy Joy, and ‘rent a tortured soul’ Kevin Barrett (Paul McGill) who is odds on not to make it to his dream.

Finally there’s Denise Dupree (Naturi Naughton) who is the real deal, packing a voice that Beyoncé wouldn’t be ashamed to call her own. Denise is trapped by her parents who won’t support her dreams of singing and want her only to focus on classical piano forte. Oh almost forgot Malik Washburn (Collins Pennie) as the stereotypical angry black guy from the street…

Each student strives for personal glory but who has the talent and will to succeed? Because as the original film told us, fame costs, and right here is where they start paying – in sweat.

It takes a while to get going however, and unfortunately for the viewer most of the characters and entirely forgettable (which is ironic given the ‘Remember my name’ lyrics to the title song…).

Tancharoen directs this ensemble piece with a detached feeling but in parts it looks excellent – the stand out scenes being Payne’s sizzling dance production to Sam Sparro’s Black and Gold and Naugnton’s two big songs.

At the Luton opening night I caught this at we were also treated to an impromptu pre-credit dance display by a local dance troop, looks like there’s still a lot of Fame hungry youngsters out there!

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – updated but not better than the original)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (dance happens...)

Style 7 (nice gritty feel)

Babes 8 (Kherington Payne is off the scale sexy when she moves, not so much when she talks)

Comedy 5 (not funny enough really)

Horror 5 (fear this only if you have a fear of performing arts)

Spiritual Enlightenment 5 (life had both ups and downs)

"one more time... let's hear it for miss Payne"

Darkmatters Review: Gamer

Gamer (18)

Dir. Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, who also made CRANK and CRANK: High Voltage

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: shoot-frag-shag-em-up

If Sci-fi shoot em up Gamer is to be believed then the future of gaming consists of nano-cells... They’re real small critters, a thousand times smaller than dust particles... If you inhaled a cloud of them you wouldn’t even know until it was too late – they’d be replicating, spreading like a virus, multiplying in exponentials throughout your nervous system. In under just six months a hundred million people could be ‘converted’ and by that I actually mean ‘enslaved’. Yes, this is Gamer and we’re in a dystopian future where nano-cell infused people can be controlled by players and there are two big games featuring this incredible (if morally dubious) technology.

"kill or be killed..."

First up is ‘Society’, a Second Life like game that looks like a real life version of the PS3’s ‘Home’ just without any moral boundaries. Players pay to control real people – who get paid for letting themselves be controlled, and there don’t seem to be any limits as to what they can be made to do… Needless to say that this set up leads to a lot of stereotypical fat male gaming slobs perving as they make scantily clad hot females act out their fantasies.


"choose your plaything..."

Then there’s the even darker alternative game ‘Slayers’ which is where death row inmates are controlled by gamers in battle games that play out like real life Call of Duty or Killzone 2 levels. High powered weaponry and armour can be downloaded to the players for a price as can various mods (modifications to the players abilities). In a Running Man styled incentive, if a player survives 30 games, they win their freedom with a full pardon but no-one has yet achieved this goal.

Step up grizzled macho hero Kable (Gerald ‘300’ Butler) who has become a celebrity star of Slayers by surviving 27 games. Will he – controlled by his hotshot 17 year player Simon (Logan ‘3:10 to Yuma’ Lerman) – be the first to win his freedom? Could he even be the one to escape the Slayers game world, find and free his wife Angie (Amber ‘Transporter 2’ Valletta) who is being sexually exploited in ‘Society’ and generally save the world? Obviously there are some off the shelf rebels who try to assist Kable – led by rapper Chris “Ludacris” Bridges – who start to slip his player Simon some illegal mods such as one that allows him to directly talk to Kable in game. But the Humanz as the rebels call themselves feel a bit tacked on to the main one man against the odds plotline.


"Mr n Mrs 'sex n violence 2009...'"

Both the nano-cell based games are created by nasty media mogul Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall from TV’s Dexter) who seems to have plans to expand the games to the point where we are all being ‘played’… But Kable might just be the man to foil Castle’s dastardly plan – so he must be silenced at any cost…

Directors Neveldine and Taylor have carved out reputations for making films that kick ass first and ask questions later with the two Crank flicks. Gamer continues the dim witted hyperkinetic action elements of the Crank series but ups the firepower. Things get blown up in high definition, cars, helicopters and of course people get demolished in blood thirsty close up. Then for the ultimate sex n violence combo we have ‘Society’ which delivers pulsing babes and nudity to the strains of The Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch.”

Darkmatters Verdict:

Gamer isn’t actually as big or clever as I suspect the makers were secretly hoping it to be but it does deliver some tasty wham bang action, gratuitously sexist titillation and interesting conceptualisation as to what the future of gaming holds. If the next generation of consoles come with a head chips to insert, it might be wise to stick with the trusty PS3!?
All in all it’s a perfect Friday night romp.

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 – if you see one game based film this year)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 8 (intense combat action in bursts)

Style 7 (frenzied future freakshow)

Babes 7 (Amber Valletta a major babe)

Comedy 6 (moments of fun)

Horror 8 (nasty in places)

Spiritual Enlightenment -3 (soul sapping)


"the future is short shorts..."

Darkmatters Review: The Firm 2009

The Firm (18)

Dir. Nick Love, who also made The Business, Outlaw and The Football Factory

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: an’80sfootballfactory

Nick Love burst back onto the footie-chav-em-up scene following up his ‘revenge is big and clever actually’ Daily Mail reader pleasing Outlaw. This time he’s gone and remade The Firm - one of the best dramas about football violence (only bettered by the superb I.D. for me).

In fact here’s a quick Darkmatters top 5 football hooligan films:

1. I.D.
2. The Firm (1988)
3. The Football Factory
4. Rise of the Footsoldier
5. The Firm (2009)

The Firm remake tells the tale of young Dom (Calum ‘Danny Dyer mk II’ McNab) a 17-year-old who tells us that he’s “looking for more from life than break dancing and fingering his best mate’s little sister”… Alas what he finds is the West Ham Firm led by scary weasel-ish psycho Bex (Paul Anderson taking on the Gary Oldman role from the original).

Overall The Firm ’09 passes muster and is far better than the ‘hobbit football rampage’ of Green Street and the weak ass Green Street 2: Stand Your Ground which has to be the low point of this whole sub-genre.

Nick Love films always have top soundtracks and there are some wicked ’80s tunes here that help set the scene along with authentically bad clobber including the worst excesses of the track suit casual culture that will make anyone who lived through them cringe.

The violence is kept scary, messy and vicious, and thankfully less glamorised than in many footy hooligan flicks. If you’re into foot ruck films then you should check this out, if not then you’re unlikely to be converted and may never venture near a football ground ever again.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – a decent effort but outclassed by older firms)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 7 (bring your bottles and stanley knives)

Style 7 (great '80s look)

Babes 6 (Dom's cherry busting babe is the highlight)

Comedy 8 (The parents are really funny and get most of the best lines)

Horror 8 (nasty enough to de-glamorise)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (only mugs join firms?)

Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 'boob motion control' on PS3

"Ninjas, violence and dualshock motion control"

"As you can see - NGS2 retains all the bloody battling of the 360 version"

Check this video - it is either the most sexist thing ever or a work of artistic genius...


Let me know your thoughts...

Mesrine: Killer Instinct - L'Instinct De Mort and Mesrine: Public Enemy Number One - L'Ennemi Public No 1

Alors – here’s your chance to spend more than four hours in the company of possibly the most dangerous Frenchman ever…

Mesrine: Killer Instinct - L'Instinct De Mort (15)

et

Mesrine: Public Enemy Number One - L'Ennemi Public No 1 (15)

Dir. Jean-François Richet, who made the Assault on Precinct 13 remake.

Reviewed by Matt ‘le Roast Beef’ Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: legloriousbastard

Zut mon frère, Il y a un ‘two-part crim-em-up’ bio of France's public enemy number un.

Vincent Cassel steps into the large shoes of Jacques Mesrine, the craziest French crimelord you may never have ever heard of… In Mesrine: Killer Instinct we get to see this bad boy’s rise to prominence as he wheels, deals and blows people away in a bid to impress local crime boss Guido (Gérard Depardieu). Then in Public Enemy Number One we find Mesrine (still Cassel) we get to see the gangster grow too big for his boots, believing his own press and getting complacent in the arms of his hottie girlfriend (Ludivine ‘Swimming Pool’ Sagnier).


Jacques Mesrine was a crazy son of a gun who loved himself and wouldn’t let anything stand in his way… Richet directs at a leisurely pace but packs in lots of action – especially in Killer Instinct which cranks up the violent mayhem to the point that it’s easy to forget that most of it is based in fact. Not content with breaking out of maximum security jails, Mesrine is insane enough to try and break back in and rescue his pals…

Once you’ve invested in part one though, you’ll have to come back for part two, Mesrine: Public Enemy… The second film delves deeper into the man’s obsession with his own achievements. You know it’ll end badly for the charismatic froggy baddie but it’s a compelling ride all the way to the blood soaked finale.

Both films are worth your time – I rate em:

Mesrine: Killer Instinct

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 – a joyride of criminal destruction)

Mesrine: Public Enemy Number One

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – decent end of the road for le gangster)


"Ludivine ‘Swimming Pool’ Sagnier"

Darkmatters Review: Fish Tank

Fish Tank (15)

Dir. Andrea Arnold, who also made the gritty Red Road

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

ONE WORD SUMMATION: bleakhope

As rapper Nas said “Life’s a bitch and then you die…” and that pretty much sums up Fish Tank, a gritty yet poignant British film that is liable to blow your socks right off.

Venture with me into a seriously Chav estate where the dogs run wild, the children are mostly feral and nobody has a chance. See that cute but mouthy 15-year-old? That’s Mia (an awesome natural-feeling performance from newcomer Katie Jarvis who is going to be star). Mia’s life is pretty rubbish, excluded from school, verbally abused by her slag of a mum (a scarily convincing Kierston ‘Rise of the Footsoldier’ Wareing) and at odds with her so call friends. With nothing but her vague dream of becoming a dancer to guide her, Mia drinks, fights, swears and harbours more resentment than any youngster should really have to deal with… Then one day he mum brings home a new boyfriend – a cut above her usual men, Conor (Michael ‘Inglorious Basterds and Eden Lake’ Fassbender) seems like an Adonis of charismatic, sexy opportunity. Mia initially doesn’t know what to make of this guy who oozes erotic tension in the way he looks her up and down but acts like he just wants to be her mate / surrogate father figure.

Conor introduces Mia and her small family which includes her hard as nails little sister Tyler (Rebecca Griffiths) to new things like… a trip to the countryside where he and Mia catch a fish much to the disgust and ridicule of the others… but has Conor got other things on his agenda that he’s like to introduce Mia to? Is he a wrong-un grooming her or is he really a decent bloke?


"Think a British Flashdance without the glam crap or the happy ending"

Barking council won’t be thrilled by the depiction of the estate wilderness that Mia lives in - the gloomy bleakness of the crowded concrete jungle reeks of neglect, this is the England that haunts the nightmares of Daily Mail readers.

It’s a fish tank – where kids like Mia might want to escape from and swim in the free ocean but never can get past the grimy glass walls that hold them in.

Plot-wise it’s better not to know too much as the tension ramps up considerably as the interplay between the convincing characters becomes sexually charged and dangerous. Jarvis is superb and her chemistry with Fassbender is unnerving. Apparently Arnold found Jarvis witnessing her having a blazing row with her boyfriend at Tilbury Town Station. The events spiral downwards dragging the audience kicking and screaming into a dark swerve of 100mph nail-biting, drunk driving, head on collision with issues that many wouldn’t dare depict on the big screen...


"Do you come here often?"

Fish Tank is a ride worth taking – potentially the best British film of the year. If you’ve the stomach to witness the harshness of real life for those who are trapped in the fish tanks of sink estates, this delivers over and above expectations. It's genius…

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööööö (9 – masterful stuff, highly recommended)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (flashpoints)

Style 7 (drips with urban grime)

Babes 8 (Katie Jarvis is going to be a babe)

Comedy 6 (tragically comic in places)

Horror 5 (not too horrible)

Spiritual Enlightenment 7 (live, love and give as good as you get)

Official Site: http://www.fishtankmovie.com/


"Katie Jarvis - less Chav out of costume!"

Read a great interview with her over at Little White Lies

Star Wars - Total Film has unseen pics!!

"we need more buns"


"The dark side in effect?"

"Fly the friendly skies..."

Total Film has some quality rarely seen Star Wars pics - like those above...

Click here to see em

or click here to see Leia in her slave girl glory

Darkmatters Review: Dorian Gray

Dorian Gray (15)

Dir. Oliver Parker (St Trinian’s, The Importance of Being Earnest)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (in Luton with the man who screams at horror i.e. Matt Landsman)

ONE WORD SUMMATION: stuffmedouble

Oscar Wilde’s tale of damned souls and eternal youth is given another big screen outing thanks to Oliver ‘St Trinian’s’ Parker. It’s a relatively faithful retelling of how swoony young Dorian (Ben ‘Prince Caspian’ Barnes) trades his soul for the ultimate ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Imagine having a painting that ages and takes the physical damage for you whilst you live a life unblemished and unharmed no matter what you get up to… It’s a great dark, plot that should make for a powerful gothic horror of man’s insatiable carnal appetites but somehow this version plays it far too safe and reserved.
The best thing on offer here is Colin Firth as Lord Henry Wotton, a kind of Mr Darcy gone over to the dark side, who initially revels in leading young Dorian astray. Firth plays his role with gusto and delivers some of the best lines with aplomb – for female readers though I have to relate the sad news that at no time does he get soaked whilst wearing his trademark white shirt.
Barnes does an ok job in the title role but never really convinces as a maverick libertine, he suffers from simply being too nice. Even when seducing a society matron while her young daughter (who he’d just finished deflowering) hides underneath the bed he looks more startled teen than smooth ladies man. He never looks very comfortable during the same sex clinches he explores in his debauched lifestyle either- really, there’s no pleasing some people!?

"For Narnia!! Oh, sorry, wrong film..."

So everything ticks along agreeably and it all looks rather nice but there’s nothing here to send shivers up your spine, least of all the infamous portrait which suffers from some distinctly lackluster CGI effects. It’s like the makers are a bit worried that it might frighten the audience too much so opt for a genteel generic zombie-lite painting.
My esteemed friend Matt Landsman who I saw this with (and who normally screams like a girl at horror films) made a really good point as we discussed this one – what Dorian Gray really needs is the Tim Burton treatment. That could have made this a classic film adaptation rather than the glossy vacuous and ironically soul-less effort that Parker delivers.
So Wilde’s tale still awaits a full blooded effort but thanks to this one we’ll probably never see it…

Darkmatters final rating of: öööööö (6 – neither terrible nor excellent)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 5 (weak on the action front)

Style 7 (there's some money been thrown at the look - but not enough)

Babes 7 (Rachel Hurd-Wood is yummy)

Comedy 6 (darkly funny in parts)

Horror 6 (not really scary enough)

Spiritual Enlightenment 4 (average morality tale)

Darkmatters Review: District 9

District 9 (15)

Dir. Neill Blomkamp - this is his first major film - see also CHAPPiE & Elysium

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (in a mixed crowd of humans and aliens in Stevenage)

ONE WORD SUMMATION: spicyprawncocktail

Attention human readers – please note some important details of how to interact with our current alien visitors.

1. When dealing with aliens, try to be polite, but firm. And always remember that a smile is cheaper than a bullet.

2. The aliens are not ‘prawns’ and it is offensive to call them such.

3. If you accidentally ingest any of the alien fuel, please report any changes to your body to authorities as soon as possible – we only want to help.

Thank you for your co-operation.

"surrender"

District 9 is a hot new sci-fi, a Peter ‘Lord of the Rings’ Jackson presentation no less. Director Neil Blomkamp (who Jackson picked to direct the ill fated ‘Halo’ movie) delivers a startlingly fresh slice of intergalactic race relations gone awry. It is 20 years you see since a massive alien spaceship parked mysteriously over Johannesburg, and since then the aliens or ‘prawns’ as we nickname them, have been housed in a slum like refugee camp called District 9 underneath.

We join pen pushing doormat Wikus Van De Merwe (Sharlto Copley) who works for Multi-National United (MNU) – a shady corporate security force - on the day he gets promoted to project manage the forceful relocation of the aliens from District 9.

"Mech me up"

It seems the camp has become a hive of scum and villainy and human / alien relations are becoming strained to breaking point. So far, so much of a sci-fi apartheid allegory but District 9 is far more then that. Whilst going about his job of serving eviction notices Wikus gets exposed to some alien fuel and begins to his horror to transform into one of the ‘prawns’.

This changes more than just his body – although there are suitably icky special effects as he undergoes a ‘Fly’ like metamorphosis. Teaming up with a prawn visitor called Christopher, who seems to have a hidden plan, can Wikus escape MNU who now want him as his DNA is key to unlocking the alien weaponry?

Speaking of which, I wonder if that alien Mech battle armour suit might come into play in a wonderful pulse pounding climatic battle?

District 9 is an excellent new addition to the sci-fi hall of fame, featuring smart, funny dialogue and packing some excellent action and special effects – this is the complete package.

"Highly recommended viewing for humans and aliens alike... "

Darkmatters final rating (out of 5)

of: ööööö (5 – original, excellent ideas backed up with stylish direction and tasty action)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 4 (I'm a sucker for Mech battle suits!)

Style 4 (has a unique look and feel all its own)

Comedy 4 (some great horror comedy elements)

Horror 4 (nasty body transformation!)

Spiritual Enlightenment 3 (respect should be intergalactic)

God of War one and two come to PS3 - oh yes!!

All Heaven Declares - God of War® Collection Announced for PS3

This just in from Sony Computer Entertainment America (SCEA):
A new and exclusive PlayStation®3 (PS3™) offering for the critically acclaimed God of War® franchise, God of War® Collection. Scheduled for release this holiday season, God of War Collection will feature reworked versions of both God of War® and God of War® II on a single Blu-ray Disc™ at full 1280 x 720 resolution. Both critically acclaimed games, which were originally developed for the PlayStation®2 computer entertainment system, have been remastered with anti-aliased graphics running at 60 frames per second for a smooth gameplay experience on the PS3 system. Additionally, the Blu-ray Disc compilation will bring PlayStation®Network (PSN) trophy support to the franchise for the first time (included for both games).

God of War was:
Set in the dark world of ancient Greek mythology, players take on the role of Kratos, a Spartan warrior. Plagued by the nightmares of his past, the ash covered warrior would do anything to be free of his debt to the Gods and the memories that haunt him. For ten years he has labored for Olympus, now on the verge of losing all hope, the Gods have given him one last task. Destroy Ares, the God of War. Armed with the deadly chained Blades of Chaos, Kratos will have to overcome armies of mythological monsters, legions of undead soldiers, and amazingly dangerous and brutal landscapes.

God of War II was like:
Kratos sits atop his Olympus throne, as the new God of War – far more ruthless than Ares ever was. To end his continued torment, Kratos must journey to the far reaches of the earth and defeat untold horrors and alter that which no mortal, or god has ever changed… his fate. God of War II sets an epic stage for a devastating mythological war to end all wars.

Here's the fun new PS3 adverts they are running in the US?

The Final Destination

The Final Destination 3D (15)

Dir. David R. Ellis - who previously brought you Snakes on a Plane and Final Destination 2

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (watched with a crowd of screaming teens)

ONE WORD SUMMATION: deathfatemirth

If you go down to the NASCAR today you better go in disguise, if you go down to the NASCAR today you’ll never believe your eyes… For every spectator that ever there was will soon be toast for certain because, today’s the day that death himself comes visiting…

So on what should have been a fun-filled day at the races, fresh faced Nick O'Bannon (Bobby Campo) takes his good looking pals to see some NASCAR action but everything changes when he has a horrific premonition. Through a freak sequence of events, multiple race cars crash and shower flaming debris into the stands killing both his friends and a select bunch of random stereotypes (a racist, an attractive all American mom, a good hearted security guard etc). An understandably panicked Nick persuades his super fit girlfriend, Lori (Shantel VanSanten), his friends Janet (Haley Webb) and Hunt (Nick Zano), plus the bunch of doomed stereotypes to leave...escaping seconds before Nick's vision becomes a terrible reality.

So having cheated death, and not having seen Final Destination 1 – 3, the group believe that they have been given a second chance of life, but no, actually they’ve all just volunteered to be bumped off in gruesome, imaginative ways for our viewing pleasure. The Final Destination films only really exist to show us nasty ways to die carried out on the big screen – now in full 3D. Take your pick from various impalings, getting diced by a wire fence, having a very bad time in a carwash or getting minced by escalators etc etc. It feels like the writers have as much fun setting up possible death scenarios as we audience do trying to guess how the next unfortunate is going to buy it.


"maybe taking the stairs would have been safer?"

Director David R. ‘Final Destination 2’ Ellis has form for this bad taste but lots of fun horror / comedy stuff and he embraces the 3D technology whole heartedly. No puncture wound, neck snap or blood splatter is carried out without at least something flying out towards the viewer. I saw at least a couple of people visibly duck or recoil as the special effects appeared to burst right off the screen.

The Final Destination is a pure disposable rollercoaster ride of thrills and spills. If you’ve a hankering to see good looking people meet grisly ends then step right up.


Darkmatters final rating of: ööö 1/2 (3.5 out of 5 – effective deaths in 3D... if that's what you want, that's what you get!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 4 (suitably grim when it comes!)

Style 3 (dying never looked so good)

Babes 4 (Shantel VanSanten is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model)

Comedy 3.5 (Nice dark humour)

Horror 4 (you'll cringe!)

Spiritual Enlightenment 4 (life you're life as if every moment was your last?)


Darkmatters review of Final Destination 3


"see Miss VanSanten 'doing' Tatu with Mischa Barton soon"

Darkmatters Review: Shorts

Shorts (PG)

Dir. Robert Rodriguez

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Robert ‘ Spy Kids’ Rodriguez is a director who bounces between making violent thrill-ride action flicks like Sin City and Planet Terror – and making fun fantasy kids movies that engage the imagination like Spy Kids and The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D.

Shorts is very much of his wacky ‘kids’ stable of films and is a chapter based tale, made up of five ‘shorts’ each telling a segment of the story from various points of view. Hero of the piece is Toe Thompson (Jimmy ‘young Kirk from Star Trek’ Bennett), he’s a loner geek who gets bullied mercilessly by his boss’s daughter Helvetica Black (Jolie Vanier). One day Toe come across a magical rock which can grant wishes and riotous chaos ensues…

There are an ensemble of adults placed like plot holders including – ‘Dr. Noseworthy’ (William H Macy) as a germ obsessed scientist, snarly bad guy ‘Mr Black’ (James Spader) and the awesomely attractive Kat Dennings as Toe’s big sister Stacey.


"not many kids were killed in the making of Shorts"

Shorts jumbles events and times into the wrong order to make the most of its fairly average ‘what if’ scenario of crazy wish fulfillment plot. My two ‘Spy Kids’ enjoyed this madcap romp which sees Rodreguez writing /producing/editing and even FX supervising. My wife wasn’t quite as impressed, somehow managing to fall asleep towards the end!?


"deathmatch - kids versus booger"

Sure – it’s not his best kids film to date but it is inventive and packed with slapstick madness that you simply won’t find anywhere else e.g. a giant boogey monster, a crocodile army and transformer style block robot to name but a few.

Darkmatters final rating of: ööööööö (7 – hyperactive storytelling, crazy special effects and Kat Dennings too!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (kooky odd action – don’t drink too much soda before watching…)

Style 8 (wackovision to the max)

Babes 8 (Kat Dennings, mmmmmmmm)

Comedy 7 (lots of fun)

Horror 5 (not too grim)

Spiritual Enlightenment 6 (there’s a moral in there somewhere)


"Kat Dennings - great actress - she's got a lot of front!"