Beowulf - review

"Heroes in pants and sexy demons with built in high heels..."

Beowulf (12a)

Dir. Robert Zemeckis

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Are you the one they call Beowulf?
Such a strong man you are... a man like you could own the greatest tale ever sung, or erm, a flashy but hollow fantasy action 3D computer-generated movie…
I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of the opening text of the classic Old English poem, but in case you’re a little rusty it goes something like: ‘Quiet! Our story speaks of the Spear-Danes their greatest kings' accomplishments how in former times lived fearless men.’
That is pretty much the mantra that drives through this thoroughly modern reworking of the ancient tale. Robert ‘The Polar Express’ Zemeckis slaps and tickles the screen with lashing of bawdy T&A, some thumpingly nasty dragons, trolls (and their evil demon mother), plus not a little blood splattered violence.
Presented in newfangled digital three-dimensional footage, which renders real actors as weirdly waxy mannequins who look like they’ve borrowed their teeth and eyes from corpses. It takes a while to get accustomed to the jerky characterisations of Danish king Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins), his slimy advisor Unferth (John Malkovich) and lovely queen Wealthow (Robin Wright Penn). Something is certainly rotten in the state of Denmark however and it goes by the name Grendel (Crispin Glover) – a monstrous troll with a taste for chomping on the local populace.
The King knows more about this creature than he is letting on but one thing everyone is agreed on, Denmark is in need of a hero to rid the land of their curse.
Step up Beowulf (the unlikely Ray ‘Sexy Beast’ Winstone), a lean mean fantasy creature fighting machine who has come to save the day. The one thing that this film delivers in style is man on monster smack down – there are two absolutely jaw dropping sequences that are worth the price of admission (plus if you pick the 3D version you’ll get a natty pair of specs which make you look like David Tennent’s Dr Who).
So why as a huge fan of this genre (300 is in my top ten films of the year) aren’t I whole-heartedly recommending Beowulf? Basically for all the action and the most pleasing digital rendition of Angelina Jolie’s female form, there is a childishly awkward artificial feeling to the whole proceedings. You can’t help but wonder how much cooler it all might have been if the makers had opted for a higher age certificate and really let loose with the battle and babe storyline. Remember “I am the ripper, the terror, the slasher. I am the teeth in the darkness! The talons in the night! My name is strength, and lust, and power! I AM BEOWULF!”
Class this as a ‘near miss’ attempt at being this year’s best rousing fantasy epic.

Out of 5 you have to go with a good in parts 3 (was hoping for more)...

Darkmatters ratings:

Action öööö – spectacular in places
Laughs öö – some bawdy giggles
Horror ööö – fearsome beasties ahoy!
Babes öööö – Jolie is super yummy - and the 3D slow motion busty 'jiggle vision' is impressive

Overall ööö (worth it, but only just!)


"mediocre fantasy films also breed pain..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

The Lookout - review

The Lookout (15)

Dir. Scott Frank

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

The Lookout is a film that slipped almost completely under the radar of most UK cinema goers. I however checked it at the impressive O2 cinema with my mate John and we came away impressed.

Starring Chris Pratt (Joseph ‘Looper’ Gordon-Levitt) as a popular and talented jock ice hockey hero whose life is completely shattered by a terrible car crash. Eaten by guilt (two of his friends died and his girlfriend lost a limb) and brain damaged to the point that he has to write down everything he does for reference in a notebook – life isn’t so good for young Chris.

His problems are compounded when he is befriended by a cool but shady stranger named Gary Spargo (Matthew ‘Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias in Watchmen’ Goode) and his foxy accomplice Luvlee (Isla ‘Wedding Crashers’ Fisher)… Could it be that they are only interested in him because he works nights as the janitor of a small town bank?

Gordon Levitt completely nails the tricky lead role, bringing just the right amount of pathos and vulnerability to the part of Chris. The poor chap is estranged from his wealthy family, desperate for a girl and even more desperate to atone for his guilt.

Living with Lewis (Jeff Daniels who is getting better and better as he gets older) - his old blind mentor is an unsatisfying grind. It might be a simple life but all that is going to change... Debut director Scott Frank does a fantastic job of ratcheting up the tension piece by piece until before you quite know it we’re up to our necks in a full on heist movie.

When the action kicks off it still keeps you guessing and is intelligent enough not to spoon feed you the motivations of all concerned. Fisher is great as the cute minx who beds Chris as the honey trap vice in order to get him onside, she plays ‘hot but dumb’ very convincingly – in fact reminded me of too many of my ex-girlfriends!!

Goode as Spargo delivers good 'dastard' and is backed up with a shadowy constant threat of a shade wearing stone cold killer ‘Bone’ (Greg Dunham) – this guy really looks like he’s wandered in from the set of Near Dark 2!?

The Lookout is a must see for anyone who liked Memento or Brick, it's understated and cool and just goes to show that sometimes the best films around are those not embraced by the mainstream…


Out of 5 you have to go with a cult classic 5 (from out of nowhere to Matt's top 10 films of the year!)...

Darkmatters ratings:

Action öööö – builds up then delivers in the goods
Laughs öö – not many but a couple of good ones
Horror öö – not too nasty
Babes öööö – Fisher is totally hot!! (see below)

Overall ööööö (highly recommended!)

"is that look enough to make you rob a bank?"

"the setting for the climax... hold tight!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

American Gangster - review

American Gangster (18)

Dir. Ridley Scott

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

‘Damn it feels good to be a gangsta’…goes the hip hop track (best ever usage in the film 'Office Space' and it certainly seems to be the case for 70s drugs kingpin Frank Lucas (Denzel Washington) – the American Gangster in question here.

Director Ridley ‘Gladiator’ Scott perfectly captures the audacious drugs entrepreneurship of Lucas who managed to flood the streets of the US with high-grade heroin imported from Vietnam via some dodgy military contacts.

Based on a true story, the American authorities simply refused to believe that a black mobster’s chauffer could rise to become the most successful and dangerous of drug lords, even outstripping the crime networks of the established Italian Families. But then there’s always one who’ll believe the unbelievable and here it is ‘last good cop’ Richie Roberts (Russell Crowe), a doggedly honest detective – hated by most of his corrupt colleagues for turning in over a million dollars of dirty drugs money rather than sharing it out. Roberts is a guy who simply will not quit once he gets a sniff of the unlikely trail leading to Lucas and his massive drug empire.

Washington burns up the screen with his depiction of the drug kingpin, by turns crackling with deadly charisma, then slow-burning, smouldering menace. Adored and idolised by his family - all of whom he moves in to a lavish new home, he employs his brothers, cousins and other family connections to front his drugs distribution network. On the surface Lucas seems to have it all but in American Gangster we get some insight into the swirling emotions and frantic doubts that lie beneath the cool, calm exterior.

Scott draws obvious inspiration from classics of the genre from Godfather to Scarface and whilst this doesn’t give the film an original feel, it does ground it in quality. Some great edgy action scenes punctuate the build up as the plot unfurls at a leisurely pace. Both lead actors are just excellent in their deadly game of cat and mouse – at times it seems that Roberts is small kitten looking to take down Lucas’s monster rabid rat but that too just adds to the viewer’s engagement.

American Gangster is a good looking film, with solid attention to detail and a believable ‘70s vibe. It’s certainly a trip worthy taking and it stands as a testimony to how laborious hard work can pay off in the end. Seems however that even for those who get to the top, sometimes it’s not so good to be a gangster…

Out of 5 you have to go with a heavy duty crimewave 4 (Crime doesn't pay!)...

Darkmatters ratings:

Action ööö – couple of very cool action scenes
Laughs ööö – surprising amount of good vibes
Horror ööö – nasty but necessary
Babes öö – not really babelicious

Overall öööö (better than the sum of its parts)


"Damn it feels good to be a policeman... um actually not so sure about that"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Planet Terror - review

"High velocity automatic rifles for legs - saves on shoes!!"

Planet Terror (18)

Dir. Robert Rodriguez

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Welcome to Planet Terror – the zombie B-movie inspired - cheese-ball-tastic second half of the Grindhouse project directed by Robert ‘Spy Kids’ Rodriguez. It’s a non-stop roller coaster of guns, babes, crazed flesh hungry mutants and generally unacceptable exploitation – bit like your average Friday night out in Luton.
I’ve yet to see another film quite so keen to slap you directly in the face with an overload of gloopy horror, laugh out loud comedy and a frantic paced action. You’ll barely have time to catch your breath after the mock trailer opening before finding yourself up to your neck in a full-blooded sensory overload.

Bruce Willis leads a shady military group who have commissioned a new deadly bio-weapon that turns anyone infected by it into a cannibalistic mutant zombie, complete with horrific mutations, most of which are covered in disgusting gunk filled legions. When a deal to sell the weapon goes wrong and the test subjects escape into the local town – all hell breaks loose. Caught in the gruesome path of this military created zombie apocalypse are a number of memorable characters including smoking hot Go Go dancer Cherry Darling (a career best role for Rose McGowan) who gets one of her legs ripped off and replaced with a massive automatic rifle / grenade launcher. Cherry teams up with maverick gun slinging bad boy El Wray (Freddy Rodríguez) and a rag tag bunch of survivors, then all bets are well and truly off as to who will survive and quite what will be left of them. With so much insanely over the top action splattering the screen you’ll either be shocked and awed or be feeling bemused and a bit ill. Either way do look out for the literal ‘no brainer’ scene involving Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas, it perfectly captures the tone for the whole movie.

You've probably have already worked out if this might be the film for you but I’ll leave you with my favourite piece of dialogue. Distraught Doctor Dakota Block (Marley Shelton) - who you could have spotted in Tarantino’s half of the Grindhouse ‘Death Proof’ earlier this year, gives a handgun to her young son. “If anyone comes to the car who’s not me I want you to shoot them” she says. “What if it’s dad?” He asks, only to be told “especially if it’s your dad!”

Out of 5 you have to go with a mental 4 (Cheap and nasty, actually, probably not that cheap but v. cool!)...

Darkmatters ratings:

Action öööö – goes over the top and doesn't slow down
Laughs ööö – very funny in places
Horror ööööö –superb splatter - if that's what you're after
Babes öööö – Rose McGowan is scorching!!

Overall öööö (the perfect grindhouse fun)


"Bruce Willis - eating up the screen in style"


"I'm thinking that not many women could pull off that look so well!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Carter USM - Final Goodnight from Brixton

"Matt and Mike get mugged - 24 Minutes From Tulse Hill..."

Carter: The UNFORGETTABLE Sex Machine

It's taken me over a week to find the words with which to capture my feelings about the final ever Carter USM concert...

Date: 02 November 2007

Place: Brixton Academy - my favourite London venue,

Artist: Carter USM, my favourite ever band,

Company: Mike USM, one my oldest and dearest pals

Feeling: Euphoric, emotional and wasted...


"That's me... third head from the stage... thanks to whoever took this!!"

The 'Back In Bed' farewell gig sold out fast, we're talking under two hours and it was only advertised on fan website and email list... So it was that I joined 5,000 of the hardcore Cater fans who had come from all over the world to witness this final show, and it rocked so very very hard that I was literally 'blown away' - at least my ears were as I had a two day threshold shift - which was worse than even The Pixies (which was probably my loudest gig before this one).

"So awesome, they've still got it after 10 years of various non Carter activity"

Highlights for me were numerous - I've always loved 'The Music That Nobody Likes', 'Do Re Me - So Far, So Good', 'Shoppers Paradise' and 'G I Blues' and Carter did them proud...

Check this:

Such great tunes...

"Another of my quickly snatched shots... it was a mental camera unfriendly moshpit!"

The dynamic duo played for 2 hours and picked off some cracking tracks - covers of 'Rent' and 'This is How it Feels' were just superb and real added value. The set list spanned mostly their earlier albums (101 Damnations, 30 Something, 1992: The Love Album and Post Historic Monsters) with a couple from Worry Bomb but where was 'And God Created Brixton??????'

"Not a dry eye in the house!! There's still a lot of love out there for Carter"


"Goodnight Jimbob... So long Fruitbat!"

This was the end:

Fondly remembered forever: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=HgWp5Ee8JGg

Some other write ups: http://uk.launch.yahoo.com/071108/33/21tbr.html

http://kingbobbysix.blogspot.com/2007/11/carter-usm-at-brixton-academy.html

Darkmatters: H O M E

Good Luck Chuck - review

"nice poster... shame about the film"

Good Luck Chuck (15)

Dir. Mark Helfrich

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


Want to pay good money to be patronised, mocked and generally made to feel nauseous? Step right up for this gross out romantic comedy that wastes the weirdly funny idea of a guy – Charlie, the ‘Chuck’ of the title played by the likeable Dane Cook – who is cursed so that every woman he sleeps with immediately falls in love and marries the next bloke to ask them out.
Newbie director Helfrich cooks up some very funny stuff, some very gross stuff, some very cutesy cloying and clichéd stuff and sprinkles it throughout 99 minutes of absolute rubbish. This means that for every amusing scene of Chuck trying to deal with his fast growing reputation as a ‘lucky charm’ for women looking for love, you also have to sit through some mind bendingly gross and unfunny scenes of obese body horror which could well haunt you forever. Yes, bodily function jokes and pratfalls replace anything like a decent plot and the script appears to have been carefully created to offend as many people as possible without being at all witty or memorable. There are points when it looks like the actors are having serious second thoughts about their even being in this movie… If you look closely you might be able to see the shadows of their agents just off screen holding cattle prods to prevent the talent making a run for it. More criminal still is the fact that the filmmakers waste the not inconsiderable charms of Jessica Alba who is given a supremely thankless role of Cam - a clumsy Penguin loving zoo worker, not one to treasure on her acting CV. Then there’s Dan Fogler as Stu, a randy breast-mad plastic surgeon who will surely go down in history as one of the most annoying screen characters of all time.
Good Luck Chuck really wants to be the next Knocked Up or Superbad, alas it doesn’t have a prayer as it flops from one cringe worthy set piece to another, before running completely out of ideas, gives up even try and be funny and resorts to an off the shelf ‘last-minute dash to the airport’ ending
In the end Good Luck Chuck is a Jekyll and Hyde movie – one which punishes you for every few minutes of it that you might find enjoyable with at least double that amount of bottom of the barrel bilge.

Out of 5 you have to go with a sloppy 2 (weak and painful - with sparodic funnies)...

Darkmatters ratings:
Action öö – cliched set pieces...
Laughs ööö – couple of quality moments
Horror ööö –at least one very very scary date
Babes öööö – Alba is hot and there's lots of other hotties too

Overall öö (Bad Luck Chuck)


"Alba shows what she thinks of the script"

Darkmatters: H O M E

30 Days of Night - review

30 Days of Night (15)

Dir. David Slade

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


‘Board the windows. Try to hide. They're coming…’ No, not the in-laws – something much, much worse…
30 Days of Night brings a brutally effective new imagining of the vampire myth and the very bad news for the plucky potential victims here is that when the sun goes down in Barrow (the most northernmost town in the US) it’s a whole month before the next dawn.
Based on the groundbreaking graphic novel by Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith, David ‘Hard Candy’ Slade’s film adaptation is a turbo charged kill ride that will drag you kicking and screaming through a very tense couple of hours.
The vampires on offer here are pure modern nightmares made flesh - black eyed, multiple toothed, and with a fiendish plan so cleverly co-ordinated that, whatever their star status, there’s no guarantee that any of the cast will make to see the final credits roll.
Danny Huston is excellent as Marlow – the merciless ancient vampire leader who speaks in a language of corruption and who is responsible for the plan to take advantage of Barrow’s unique 30 days of darkness. It basically represents an ‘all you can eat buffet’ for the vampire clan who plan to wipe out the entire township and leave nothing and no-one standing to explain what happened.
The hopes of the ever-dwindling group of survivors lie with town sheriff Josh Hartnett who finds himself in this most desperate of situations, trapped with his estranged ex-wife Stella (Melissa George), up against foes that doesn’t abide by any of the usual vampire conventions. So throw out your garlic, crosses and any holy water – these blood hungry enemies can only be killed by decapitation, cue very graphic scenes including possibly the best ever use of a massive chainsaw like trench digger!?
So it’s not for the squeamish or those who flinch at the sight of blood, in fact there is an aerial tracking shot of the snowbound town being completely overrun that is liable to stay with you long after the nerve shredding action has wrapped.
Ben ‘Alpha Dog’ Foster also delivers a stand out performance as a weasel faced human who yearns to be a vampire and sells out his fellow men by doing lots of dirty work for his bloodsucking masters.30 Days of Night is a welcome injection of fresh new blood into the vampire genre and certainly one of the best monster movies of the year.

Out of 5 you have to go with a top draw 4 (thrilling and cool - a savoury treat)...

Darkmatters ratings:

Action öööö – bloody good show...
Laughs öö – not really a laughathon
Horror öööö –pushes the boundaries of a 15 cert
Babes ööö – Melissa George is a babe for sure

Overall öööö (excellent fangster fun for horrorheads)


"Cool artwork - a ready made screen look from the graphic novel"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Katrina Bowden - so very hot...

"Miss Bowden about to make the leap from small to big screen!"

"Bowden looking good in new flick Tucker & Dale vs Evil!"

Katrina Bowden - so very cute, outrageous skimpy costume wearing scene stealer of fun comedy '30 Rock' and the potential hit with red blooded movie goers Ratko: The Dictator's Son (from the director of '80s classic movie Better Off Dead...)

For me it's a 'hard' call between Katrina and the delicious Amber Heard...

I think she has lots of potential!!

"Miss Bowden does bikini - looks good from the front!"

"And the back!?"

Read my earlier Darkmatters post about miss Bowden (and the 26 hilraious comments on it!):
http://darkmatt.blogspot.com/2006/11/katrina-bowden-puts-hot-into-30-rock.html

UPDATE - Katrina has just won the 'Sexiest Woman Alive' award from Esquire magazine (March 2011) - click here for details


But is she as cute as Leighton Meester see below?

"Mmmmmeester"

Or Amber Heard?

Darkmatters: H O M E

This is living... PS3

You have to play this ad - it's the coolest ever!!

...Ladies and gentlemen good evening

You’ve seen that seeing is believing!

Your ears and your eyes will be bleeding...

Please check to see if you’re still breathing!?

Hold tight because the show is not over,

If you will please move in closer

You're about to be bowled over

By the wonders you’re about to behold here

Welcome to the show... The PS3 is about to go MAG LEVEL:

Am currently playing WARHAWK, HEAVENLY SWORD, FOLKLORE and MOTORSTORM (extra content from the PlayStation Network is great)...

But in the next few weeks -

Uncharted: Drakes Fortune

Ratchet & Clanket

Haze

Unreal Tournement 3

Call of Duty 4

It's going to be a very SONY Christmas!!

Eastern Promises - review

Eastern Promises (18)

Dir. David Cronenberg

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


‘Every sin leaves a mark,’ so says the tag-line for this brutal contemporary peek into the seedy world of Russian organised crime in London. There’s plenty of sin to be found in Eastern Promises, plenty of sin and not a single piece of Fry’s Turkish Delight – which I’m beginning to doubt was ever as ‘full of eastern promise’ as the adverts led me to believe…
Anyway, this unhappy tale begins with a 14-year-old pregnant prostitute named Tatiana who collapses and dies in London hospital after giving birth. Attending nurse Anna (Naomi Watts) finds Tatiana’s diary and gets her Russian uncle to translate it in order to try and find a relative to take the baby. So far, so ever so slightly intriguing. Things get altogether uglier when the diary is found to chronicle the girl’s life of drugs, rape and prostitution, linked to a cartel of Russians. Anna then unwittingly puts herself in mortal danger by tracking down the mobster owner of a restaurant whose card is in its pages.
This also brings her into the paths of a dandy but dangerous hoodlum-about-town named Kirill (Vincent ‘Ocean’s 12 and 13’ Cassel) and his driver, Nikolai (Viggo ‘Lord of the Rings’ Mortensen) both of whom carry the film as long as you can forgive their terrible Russian accents. The central crux is whether Nikolai with choose to protect Anna or help in the execution of the baby and everyone who knows about the diary. Words like ‘quite implausible’ and ‘ bit simplistic’ kept popping into my head whilst watching and the quality cast are quickly wasted on the dubiously meandering and slow burning to the point of dullness storytelling.
Overall Eastern Promises is vaguely disappointing, all the more so because director Cronenberg’s last film ‘A History of Violence‘ was a stunning, exciting pulp masterpiece. Whilst ‘History of Violence’ grabbed you and rattled you with a constant stream of twists and upping of the ante, here you’ll most likely have seen the clichéd ending coming from a mile away and be hard pressed to care.The only really remarkable scenes are some of especially vicious violence (graphic throat cutting a speciality) and a bizarre naked showdown that sees Nikolai trying to knife fight two hit men in the buff. There’s little else to mark this out unless you have a thing for heavily tattooed Russian hard men or are really hankering for lightweight moral dilemma set against a murky London underbelly.

Out of 5 you have to go with a 2.5 (average not amazing)...

Darkmatters ratings:
Action öö – Insufficient but shocking when it kicks off
Laughs öö – The accents are funny!
Horror ööö –Some seriously nasty deaths
Babes ööö – Watts is pretty delicious

Overall öö1/2 (could called 'a lesser history of violence')


"Yesszz, we will hav to hav thiz Matt silencided az he didn't like our film..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

Blink Box - it's the future!!

www.blinkBox.com;

Stumbled across a cool new site called 'blinkBox' – http://www.blinkbox.com/, seeing as you ask...
This blinkbox allows users to send friends personalised ‘blinks’. ‘Blinks’ are basically choice film clips tagged with personal messages that can be sent to anyone via email or mobile, and are embeddable on blogs (as above), sites and social network profiles.
Check out the Cult film content just waiting to be blinked and played around with... go on, do it now!!


http://www.blinkbox.com/;

Heavenly Sword - review

"nice sword, nice bum too..."

Heavenly Sword (PS3)

Ninja Theory

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

What do you get if you give an underwear model a divine massive sword - so blood hungry that together their antics will become legend? The answer is a game that delivers a furious battle simulator that even makes the God of War games look a bit timid in comparison. You might have seen Heavenly Sword being played in the cool TV series ‘Heroes’, or just be curious to find out for yourself if this flagship PS3 exclusive title is a reason to invest in Sony’s black box of high definition gaming love… Prepare yourself for graphics that will make you gasp out loud, jaw dropping carnage that will take your breath away and a fiery red-haired heroine who sets new standards of dishing out punishment whilst wearing a clingy skimpy outfit. Yes, Heavenly Sword’s Nariko is gorgeous, with curves rendered so well that she makes Laura Croft look a bit minging, but don’t let her foxy looks fool you, she packs a very serious punch!


"not many women look hot splattered with blood... Nariko pulls it off"

But here, like in life, a good-looking woman is nothing without a decent combat system (just ask my wife). Thankfully, Heavenly Sword is blessed with wonderful fighting mechanics that will see you cutting a swath through thousands of enemies – each attacking you with razor sharp A.I. The combat is all the more grin inducing and supremely satisfying because it combines a nicely balanced variety of attacks with nifty countering techniques giving it a delicious ‘easy to pick up, but challenging to master’ quality. As you progress, you’ll unlock a lot of tasty combo moves, which will enable you to perform truly spectacular kills. Using your three possible 'stances' - Speed, Range and Power – which you switched using the shoulder buttons, you can block enemy attacks and counter them with finishing moves. It works a treat and is very addictive.There’s no denying that pure Hollywood style production values and sheer bloodlust sating action make this stand out from anything else available on any console thus far. Plus there is extensive quality voice acting, and it all shines in it’s stunning high definition visuals. There’s very little not to love here, but if you really want me to knock something you might feel that you’ve romped through it all a bit too quickly and because the swordplay is so compelling, the shooting levels can leave you itching to get your sword out again?

Don’t be a wuss, Heavenly Sword is the very definition of a ‘must buy’ game – you need it in your life!!


"Heavenly pout!!"

Overall ööööö (pretty damn perfect)

Darkmatters: H O M E

Stardust vs The Dark is Rising

"It's rising but can it compete with Stardust?"


"Contender for fantasy film of the year?"

Stardust (PG)

Dir. Matthew Vaughn

Versus

The Dark is Rising (12a)

Dir. David L Cunningham


Reviewed by Matt Adcock


Fantasy as the name suggests is the ultimate genre for indulging our make believe wishes – a place for the fairy tales and fables that root our culture and teach us at a young age about life, the universe and everything.

This half term holiday sees another couple of contenders plying their magically enhanced storylines in cinemas – first up is Stardust (big budget, mega cast and based on respected author of comic books and fantasy novels Neil Gaiman). The second is The Dark is Rising (a darker, lower budget and more occultish effort based on the second of a five part series by author Susan Cooper).
So are either of these worthy of your hard earned cash and what do they have to offer? I took my ten year old son Luke with me to give a child’s perspective on them, and this is what we thought:

The Dark is Rising will appeal to those who like their fantasy with a mild horror edge and are not hung up on dazzling effects. It’s the tale of teenage Will Stanton (Alexander Ludwig) who unexpectedly finds out on his 14th birthday that he is The Seeker – a warrior for the forces of light in an ancient struggle between good and evil. It takes a long time to build up, then delivers a limited pay off for Stanton and his allies the ‘Old Ones’ – a title that could equally apply to the Brit Thesps playing them (Ian McShane, Jim Piddock etc) as their characters. Ex Dr Who Christopher Eccleston pops up as the envoy of the Darkness AKA ‘The Rider’ but he rarely musters sufficient menace.

Best bit: A swirling mass of darkness follows the rider obliterating all light around it as he sweeps across the countryside...

Worst bit: Unsatisfying ending which felt rushed.

Out of 5 you have to go with a 'not bad' 2.5 (for consideration for those who like mysteries)...

Darkmatters ratings:

Action ööö – Not enough really
Laughs öö – Couple of funny bits
Horror ööö – Not grim but unnerving in parts
Babes öö – Cute love interest (but can you trust her?)

Overall öö1/2 (Can't quite shake off the 'made for TV' feel)


Stardust however wields a much more heavyweight epic punch – boosted by literal ‘star power’ this is the most deliciously over the top and enjoyable fantasy film since The Princess Bride. It has evil witches (a glorious Michelle Pfeiffer), camp sky pirates (a scene stealing De Niro) and even a cute falling star in the shapely form of Clare Danes. Stir into the mix some nasty princes both alive and undead, quality good spirited humour and a decent element of threat in which as my son pointed out ‘some characters really died in this – that’s wicked!!’ Stardust romps home delivering action, romance and fantasy spectacle over and above expectations.

Best bit: Captain Shakespeare - every time he's on screen is a treat!

Worst bit: Clunky dialogue throughout...

Out of 5 you have to go with a magical 4.5 (Delightful stuff)...

Darkmatters ratings:

Action öööö – Plenty and doesn't pull its punches
Laughs ööö – Quality mirth to be had
Horror ööö –
Babes ööö – Danes is yummy, Pfieffer you still would

Overall öööö (Magical entertainment)

So whilst both films are worth a look, Stardust is the ‘must see’ choice and it will take a mammoth effort from The Golden Compass to wrestle the ‘fantasy film of the year’ title away from it!

Darkmatters: H O M E

Bartman Begins

"genius!!"

Ratatouille - review

Ratatouille (U)

Dir. Brad Bird and Jan Pinkava

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


A massive filthy disease ridden vermin infestation has been reported in cinemas this week across the country. Nowhere is safe from this plague carrying pestilence and what is more shocking is that it seems that mostly children are coming face to face with this mass of furry rodents. The upside however is that the only symptoms being exhibited after exposure to the infected cinema screens are laughter, genuine enjoyment and some good life lessons being learnt.
Pixar have done something amazing with Ratatouille – made rats fun, loveable little heroes on a par with superheroes, cars and toys… I probably don’t need to tell you about the genius CGI animation that sets new standards of eye-popping detail, or the excellent voice acting that really brings depth and emotional attachment to the characters. Pixar have created a gold standard in these departments and Ratatouille doesn’t disappoint, but where this film really shines is that it delivers a decent story, neither overly moralising pap, cheap sequel cash in or an obvious excuse to try and sell tie-in merchandise.
This is the tail, sorry tale, of a young rat named Remy (voiced by Patton Oswalt) who is blessed with taste buds beyond his scavenger station in life. Being a rat who can appreciate fine food over literal garbage leads him into many gastronomic adventures after he is separated from his family. One unlikely thing leads to another to set up the fun plot twist of Remy finding himself in the kitchen of a famous Parisian restaurant helping a good-hearted young lad named Linguini cook up a storm. But can the man / rat team overcome the obstacles of health inspectors, nasty superiors and scary food critics?
It’s unlikely and completely far-fetched but somehow you won’t hold that against the film as all the ingredients of this gently comic tale work together to make a deliciously fun distraction for kids and adults alike.
Both my sons (6 and 10 years old) really enjoyed Ratatouille, telling me that it was ‘coolest animated film this year’ – after witnessing the likes of the mediocre Shrek 3, I think the quality original story making resonated with them.
As opinionated top food critic Anton Ego puts it in the movie: ‘The bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.’ Ratatoulille I’m delighted to say is not ‘junk’, so hats off to the big cheeses at Pixar, long may they keep infesting our cinemas!

Out of 5 you have to go with a strong 4 (a tasty morsel)...

Darkmatters ratings:

Action öööö – Scampers along at a good pace
Laughs ööö – FBI policy making!?
Horror ö – Nothing to report
Babes öö – Animated love interest (human not rat)

Overall öööö (this is not just food, this is PIXAR food)

Darkmatters: H O M E

Fifa 08 vs PES - PS3

"It's coming home - oh yes!! Just look at the PES pimped PS3!?"

And while we wait for PES 2008, we play Fifa '08...

EA Sports, it's in the game... etc...

"He goes for glory..."

Fifa ‘08 (PS3)

Electronic Arts

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

It’s coming home, it’s coming home, it’s coming… football’s coming home (to the next generation), in this case to Sony’s powerhouse PS3. But is this the year that EA nick a smooth Man United style win from the slick ‘footie–tastic’ Pro Evolution Soccer or will they manage to trip themselves up in a Tottenham* stylee… i.e. letting in as many goals as they score!?
I found myself playing Fifa ’08 on a massive high definition screen in Virgin’s Megastore in London on the night before it launched. I had a few minutes to kill as I was waiting for my mate Mike who was en route to check out a press screening of Black Sheep with me – but I digress…
My initial thoughts were ‘oh man it’s beautiful’ because the Fifa ’08 is seriously visually gorgeous, I mean like a dripping wet rubber dress wearing Keira Knightley (of footie games), absolutely stunning.

This is next gen graphics doing what we want them to do – burning detail into the retinas of all who see them. I was impressed, the pitch looked so good you could almost smell the freshly cut grass, the stadiums glistened and even the fans looked the part and yet at the same time the players for all their motion capturing technology still look like the slightly uglier mutant brothers of their real life counterparts. No matter, visuals can only get you so far, it’s gameplay that makes of breaks a game, gameplay and possibly super advanced A.I. In Fifa ’08 the players make over 1000 decisions every second, can apparently strike the ball in a virtually infinite number of ways and the ball physics take into account wind speed, player skill / balance, spin from the pitch etc… But all of this would be for nothing if it didn’t play well.

So you ask ‘Matt, how does it play?’ and I reply ‘FIFA ‘08 is a surprisingly wonderful realistic football sim - one that will make you think like a real player no less’. And by that I don’t mean, thinking ‘I should be earning at least £50k more a week for all my skills!’ or ‘Who’s that pop starlet in the VIP box?’ No, I mean, ‘I’m going to take the ball on the outside of my foot, control it, dummy the last defender and score!’

Just so we’re clear – I it plays real sweet, real like erm, real football!? Yes there’s no more sticky feet or homing missile passes, the game ebbs and flows with disturbing authenticity – you’ll have to fight for every ball. This didn’t go down so well with my 6 year old son – he soon defected back to Fifa ’07 on the PS2 but for someone looking for a more realistic footie experience, step up for some quality Fifa action!

Darkmatters rating: öööö (4/5 might actually be a worthy PES alternative this year...)

*I’m a Tottenham fan…

"in other non related gaming news... look how good it is when lots of women who have played Laura Croft all put on black rubber catsuits - erm, yeah, that's it really"