DARKMATTERS - The Mind of Matt

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Showing posts with label horror. Show all posts
Showing posts with label horror. Show all posts

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Darkmatters Review: Antichrist



Antichrist (18)

Dir. Lars von Trier

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

You hear the one about the deer, the fox and the crow – creatures in the service of Satan’s Church or ‘Nature’ whose dominion is chaos and whose way is sexual guilt? No? Well if you venture past the extreme hype and reaction of the critics, the cries of horror from the media *cough Daily Mail cough* and the reactionary masses who like to throw stones without actually seeing the film itself… step into the freaky, gorgeously shot, heavily psychoanalytic Antichrist – as a Christian I simply could not pass up the opportunity to see a film with such an intriguing title!?

Before I go on - I feel compelled to reprint what the esteemed (if utterly blinkered)
Christopher Hart, writing for the Daily Mail says:

"You do not need to see Lars von Trier's Antichrist (which is released later this week) to know how revolting it is.

I haven't seen it myself, nor shall I - and I speak as a broad-minded arts critic, strongly libertarian in tendency. But merely reading about Antichrist is stomach-turning, and enough to form a judgment."


If that's true then potentially you'll never need to see another film in your life... just read the reviews and be happy with that!? Anyway, back to the "sick, pretentious trash, fully confirming our jihadist enemies' view of us as a society in the last stages of corruption and decay." Read his whole rant here...

Lars von Trier is the complex Danish director of Dancer in the Dark and Dogville – self proclaimed ‘Greatest film director in the world’… His latest film is a strange emotionally charged dive through the looking-glass into a feminine universe of victimization, guilt and sexual energy, dressed up in the trappings of a body shock horror mixed with slow burning character interaction and deep exploration of trauma.

Willem Dafoe gets to flash his knob and generally feel the wrath of mentally unhinged femininity after he and his wife lose their child through a tragic accident (a startling prologue shot in black and white, which runs in slow motion and shows the couple engaged in non simulated sex whilst their young boy climbs out of their window and falls to his death). Did the wife (Charlotte Gainsbourg) see the child putting himself in peril but was too engrossed in her orgasm to bother to save him? That’s what it seems to be saying… Is she crazy? Uncaring? Murderous even? Yes this is strong stuff and it is not subtly told. It is engaging and highly thought provoking though.

Nature is actually one of the main characters here, with the aforementioned deer symbolising fertility mixed with death (the clue is her dead young bambi hanging from her vulva): the fox symbolising lucidity and tasked with warning of the rule of chaos - "CHAOS RULES!" he shouts at one point; and then there’s the crow, potentially riffing on the regeneration mythos of The Crow (great film) transfiguring death through decomposition and stubborn clinging to life.



The film unfolds in a series of titled chapters – ‘Grief’ is the first and follows the crushing repercussions of the parents trying (and failing in her case) to come to terms with the grief. Fortunately, or not so actually, the father is a psychotherapist who wants to try his hand at therapy on his wife… Not necessarily a good idea…

This leads to the chapter – ‘Pain’ (Chaos Reigns) where go back to the cabin in the woods where she went to write her thesis on the way that the church has traditionally victimised women – especially those who they deemed overly sexual or powerful (witches?).

The chapters – ‘Despair’ (Gynocide) and – ‘The Three Beggars’ wrap up this veritable freak show in a swirling descent into madness with graphic violence. You’ll squirm, you’ll cringe and possibly like one viewer in the screening I saw this at shout “You’ve got to be F88king joking!” This isn’t a feel good or easy film to watch – most of what you might have heard about the self mutilation and general hardcore grimness is warranted, is it overkill? Is the director simply trying to see how far you can go on screen? Quite possibly…

Perhaps reading The Three Beggars, by William Butler Yeats (1865-1939), in full will help your comprehension of the film – so here it is:

"Though to my feathers in the wet,
I have stood here from break of day.
I have not found a thing to eat,
For only rubbish comes my way.
Am I to live on lebeen-lone?'
Muttered the old crane of Gort.
"For all my pains on lebeen-lone?'

King Guaire walked amid his court
The palace-yard and river-side
And there to three old beggars said,
"You that have wandered far and wide
Can ravel out what's in my head.
Do men who least desire get most,
Or get the most who most desire?'
A beggar said, "They get the most
Whom man or devil cannot tire,
And what could make their muscles taut
Unless desire had made them so?'
But Guaire laughed with secret thought,
"If that be true as it seems true,
One of you three is a rich man,
For he shall have a thousand pounds
Who is first asleep, if but he can
Sleep before the third noon sounds."
And thereon, merry as a bird
With his old thoughts, King Guaire went
From river-side and palace-yard
And left them to their argument.
"And if I win,' one beggar said,
'Though I am old I shall persuade
A pretty girl to share my bed';
The second: "I shall learn a trade';
The third: "I'll hurry' to the course
Among the other gentlemen,
And lay it all upon a horse';
The second: "I have thought again:
A farmer has more dignity.'
One to another sighed and cried:
The exorbitant dreams of beggary.
That idleness had borne to pride,
Sang through their teeth from noon to noon;
And when the sccond twilight brought
The frenzy of the beggars' moon
None closed his blood-shot eyes but sought
To keep his fellows from their sleep;
All shouted till their anger grew
And they were whirling in a heap.

They mauled and bit the whole night through;
They mauled and bit till the day shone;
They mauled and bit through all that day
And till another night had gone,
Or if they made a moment's stay
They sat upon their heels to rail,,
And when old Guaire came and stood
Before the three to end this tale,
They were commingling lice and blood
"Time's up,' he cried, and all the three
With blood-shot eyes upon him stared.
"Time's up,' he eried, and all the three
Fell down upon the dust and snored.

`Maybe I shall be lucky yet,
Now they are silent,' said the crane.
`Though to my feathers in the wet
I've stood as I were made of stone
And seen the rubbish run about,
It's certain there are trout somewhere
And maybe I shall take a trout
but I do not seem to care.'

- or not…


Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 – weird and almost wonderful but very shocking and not for the faint of heart!)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6 (you'll hide the scissors… from any women in your life)

Style 8 (supremely stylish horror, a thinking person’s Hostel?)

Babes 6 (Gainsborough is the same age as my wife – but not as hot!)

Comedy 6 (you might laugh but you’ll doubt your sanity soon after)

Horror 9 (deeply unpleasant things await)

Spiritual Enlightenment -9 (like a vacuum for the soul)

Monday, August 10, 2009

Darkmatters Review: Orphan

 

Orphan(15) 

Dir. Jaume Collet-Serra 

Reviewed by Matt @Cleric20 Adcock (watched with friend Ian and lots of screaming teens) 

See that prim little girl over there, the one with the dark eyes who looks like she might be wise beyond her years? She wants to play with you and your family… But there’s something wrong with Esther (a chilling Isabelle Fuhrman), she has a terrible secret, oh and she’s s psychopathic murdering spawn of hell too. Orphan is powerhouse new horror thriller from Jaume ‘House Of Wax’ Collet-Serra. It’s the story of troubled couple Kate (a brilliant Vera Farmiga) and John (goofy Peter Sarsgaard) who adopt young Esther to try and compensate for losing one of their biological children. Needless to say that things don’t work out so well, as the body count starts to ride almost as soon as the family has sprung Esther from the orphanage.

   
"pre-teen death bringer..." 

 Fuhrman is a fantastic as Esther, genuinely creepy even when trying to convince her new folks that she’s a polite, mature little girl and utterly demonic when she’s goes ape. Orphan is refreshing in that it doesn’t pull its punches. Director Collet-Serra is a sick puppy and doesn’t let the ‘15’ rating get in the way of graphic death and seriously disturbing content. This really isn’t a film for the faint of heart and as the friend I saw it with (who works for Social Services) said “this is going to put a lot of people off adopting!”

   
"look into my eyes..." 

 If you’re looking for a thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat, wrong foot you at crucial moments and bounce along at a decent pace, this is the movie for you. The script is sharp and mixes some pitch black humour into the escalating horror with lines like “Oh, look, Little Bo Peep text me - she wants her outfit back” from one of Esther’s school classmates. The look she gets by way of reply is pure malice. Orphan is almost up there with ‘Let The Right One In’ for 2009 ‘s top-quality horror efforts – go and see Esther at your peril! 

Darkmatters rating: öööööööö (8 – effective horror thrill ride) 

Darkmatters quick reference guide: 

Action 7 (nicely paced, Orphan grips like a vice... actually you'll probably not like the vice scene...) Style 7 (production values are higher than for most B-Movie horrors in this ilk) 
Comedy 6 (some very dark laughs) 
Horror 8 (heavy duty for a 15) 
 Spiritual Enlightenment 5 ('don't kill me mommy'...)

   
"see - not quite so bad in real life!?" 

EXTRA CONTENT: Read an interview with young miss Fuhrman here 


>>> Imagine a world where the earth is becoming hell?

Click below to find out in my dark sci-fi novel...

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complete-Darkness-Darkmatters-Matt-Adcock/dp/0957338775



Saturday, May 16, 2009

Darkmatter - Martyrs Review - 'supergrim'



Martyrs (18)

Dir. Pascal Laugier

Cast member most worth watching: Morjana Alaoui

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (at home with the lights down low)

Some things are simply too awful, too shocking and too disturbing for general consumption… Viewing experiences deemed ‘dangerous’ that are just too extreme for the mainstream, for the ‘decent’ Daily Mail reading Middle England or for those who don’t have the capacity to withstand an assault on the senses that engages on a deeper lever than dim ‘video nasty’ Friday night thrills.
There are few films that warrant such caution – but Martyrs is one - read on only if you are curious to hear a report back from the darkest, wildest side of cinematic experience.

Martyrs is quite possibly the nastiest, most seriously horrifying film you’ll ever witness.

When a little girl is found wandering by the side of the road, her wasted body showing signs of severe neglect, starvation and torture she claims not to remember what happened to her whilst kidnapped and held prisoner for over a year.
But young Lucie is a survivor and during her following years in an orphanage she survives by employing both violent antisocial behavior but is also terrified by haunting and deeply disturbing paranoid delusions. Despite this she forms a friendship with another girl named Anna, who supports her – together they form a suitably unstable alliance.

Some years later, the two girls (now in their 20’s) turn up unannounced at a family home and proceed to graphically slaughter the entire family. Lucie is convinced that this seemingly normal suburban people are the monsters who took her prisoner and only a dose from the business end of a double barrel shotgun will see justice restored.


"things don't start well and only get worse from here..."

So far, so grim but still just a standard revenge horror thriller… These events however are only the prologue – the starter of a three course banquet of mind bending blunt force trauma that starts from grissly cold-blooded murder and accelerates into twisted sadistic nightmare territory beyond the bounds of taste and decency. I won’t go into the plot anymore as its better that it takes you unawares – everything is well shot and if Laugier does get his rumoured shot at remaking Hellraiser – it could turn out to the best horror film ever!?

But despite the abject gruesomeness perpetrated on screen here, this isn’t a simple shock-em-up like Hostel or Cabin Fever, Martyrs outpaces even the recent nou-wave of Euro horrors such as Haute Tension, Satan, Frontiers or Calvaire. At the sickened heart of this tale is a treatise about martyrdom, not a celebration of voyeuristic suffering but a descent through excruciation to a place of zen-like rapture. “Martyr” is apparently derived from the Greek word for ‘witness’… witnessing this absolutely isn’t for many though… If you read this blog much you’ll know that I’m not easily shocked but I found parts of this merciless escalation of torment almost physically painful to watch. Credit is due to the cast – Anna (Morjana Alaoui) is gorgeous even whilst undergoing all sorts of beyond the pail nightmare situations.

This is a tour-de-force that grips like a vice of vicious endorphin enlaced spikes – you won’t know where to look, you’ll be challenged and freaked out but you won’t forget it (ever)…

Arbitrary Darkmatters final rating of: öööööööö (8 - supergrim)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 8
Style 8
Babes 7
Comedy 4
Horror 10
Spiritual Enlightenment -8 or +8 (depends on who you are)

Not convinced? check out this review of the film over at The Horror Club which says:

“Pascal Laugier did something bold and daring, and pulled it off extremely well. Some will truly love this film, some will absolutely downright hate it, and others will not know what the hell just happened to them... whichever way you feel though, it's a movie that deserves to be seen.”

Monday, April 27, 2009

Darkmatters Review - The Uninvited




The Uninvited (15)

Dir. The Guard Brothers

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

The Uninvited is a spook-em-up U.S. remake of the creepy 2003 Korean horror ‘A Tale Of Two Sisters’. Glossy, sexy and blessed with some seriously unnerving moments this is basically a perfect Friday night fright-fest for those who aren’t looking for anything too groundbreaking.

Directing team Charles and Thomas Guard (who called themselves ‘The Guard Brothers’) go for a fairly straightforward ghost story that telling the tale of an evil stepmother vs cute teen stepdaughters. So we have Anna (Emily ‘Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events’ Browning) who returns home to find out that her dubious writer father (David Strathairn) has shacked up with her deceased mother's nurse Rachael (Elizabeth ‘Role Models’ Banks).

Anna and her hot-to-trot sister Alex (Arielle ‘The Grudge 2’ Kebbel), who packs a bitchy teenage attitude and seems to wear a bikini throughout the entire film, become convinced that Rachael did away with their invalid mum. This charge seems to be backed up by the creeping dread that seeps through their New England home, where ghostly children pop up to scare viewers / warn the sisters that they are next on the target list for the chop. Will the girls outwit their blonde Hannibal Lecture like stepmother or will the body count rise by two before the obligatory chilling twist climax?

"if we sit here looking cute - surely no harm can come to us!?"

Did I mention there are some decent jolt-scare moments along the way? Although they are generally telegraphed from a mile away, the audience I saw this with were shrieking and jumping impressively enough. Banks does a great crocodile smile and plays the evil stepmother well, whilst Kebbel and Browning are both good as the nervous siblings. It’s Emily Browning who is the main attraction here - she’s a pouting powerhouse of emotion and I think she’s destined for great things, look out for her in Sucker Punch next year (from the director of 300 and Watchmen).

There’s nothing very wrong here, but as a remake The Uninvited isn’t a patch on the original. If taken on its own merits it has more to offer than many recent horror efforts so it’s worth a look if you’ve got the hankering for some spookiness. However, after seeing a truly superb horror film like ‘Let The Right One In’, The Uninvited seems like an overly workmanlike effort.

Arbitrary Darkmatters final rating of: öööööö (6 - Dumbed down but watchable)

Darkmatters quick reference guide:

Action 6
Style 7
Babes 8
Comedy 4
Spiritual Enlightenment 2

Not convinced? check out this review of the film over at IGN- best line:"The Uninvited comes incredibly close to greatness, just narrowly missing a diabolically genius Hitchcock-like plot twist by inches, opting for a stale twist instead. But in between that distance is a world of hurt. "

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Film Review - SCAR 3D


Scar 3D (18)

Dir. Jed Weintrob

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

So you’re a hot perky young blonde actress with a winning charismatic smile and no small amount of good looks, what challenge would you want to take on? And more importantly, how do you follow up appearing in the preteen sanitised Hannah Montana TV nerfdom? Try starring in an orgy of 3D torture horror which comes on like a Saw / Hostel / Friday the 13th fusion… That’s exactly the career route that talented young starlet Kirby Bliss Blanton has taken, appearing as all round USA sweet teen girlfriend Olympia in Scar 3D.
Scar also stars horror veteran Angela ‘freaked me out in May’ Bettis, as Joan Burrows, an emotionally and physically scarred wreck who suffered at the hands of a psycho nutjob back in the day (his MO is that he abducts two friends and tortures each in turn until one breaks and tells him to kill their friend)… The villain back then was freaky funeral home director Bishop, but when Joan returns to the town for Olympia’s prom it seems that Bishop is back too and the teen population start to have a very bad time of it.
It’s all very standard slasher guff, even if it is filmed in the fancy new 3D (which does divert attention from how ropey the script and plot is) by giving the audience such sights as topless 3D boobies and ‘quick duck or that spray of blood will splatter all over you’ moments.

"Kirby Bliss Blanton - a hottie to watch (don't hold Scar 3D against her!)"

Is Scar the sickest, most utterly hardcore 3D horror torture on the block? Well, it is but, only because it’s the only one in 3D, otherwise it’s just another wannabe to throw on the ‘don’t bother’ pile…
Scar is certainly unpleasant – I mean who wants to see tongues being chopped out and the soles of feet razor bladed after countless ‘me too’ torture porn flicks have recently gone there? Scar doesn’t do anything much worse or even vaguely ingenious in its macabre machinations, almost as if the screen writers’ only aim was to copy rather than innovate.
So belly button rings get yanked, staple guns get put where they really shouldn’t and scalpels are applied liberally, it really isn’t nice and worse still, it really isn’t very well done…
Sometimes you have to look beyond the obvious razzle dazzle – in this case nubile teens frolicking and then dying in 3D – because it’s a smokescreen to distract from the mediocre offering overall.
"What do you mean I'm not a scary bad guy!?"
DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööö (4)
- Low brow thinking
Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
+ Depends what you're definition of 'tasty' is...
Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
+ Kirby Bliss Blanton is seriously cute
Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
+ Stupidity of plot and weakness on the fear factor...
Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- Slow and unfunny, torture just isn't fun
Arbitrary final rating: ööööö (5)
For serious gore hounds and novelty horror seekers only…

Liable to make you:
"make a short list of which friends you'd be prepared to get tortured to save"
DM Poster Quote:
“If you're film sucks ass, just add 3D and hope for the best!"

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Teeth - the 'that's got to hurt!' review


Teeth (18)

Dir. Mitchell Lichtenstein

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Here’s a freaky little oddity / horror to get your teeth into which is liable to enjoy ‘cult classic’ status before long. Written and directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein (whose dad is a famed pop-art purveyor) Teeth takes the bizarre legend of ‘vagina dentata’ – or for those whose Latin is rusty ‘teeth in the female nether regions’ and plays for equal parts body horror and black comedy.

It’s the unhappy tale of repressed teenage virgin Dawn (Jess Weixler doing a great job with very tricky material), who finds that she can bite at both ends. Cue a suspenseful build up to her first time via a heavy handed ‘chastity is the answer’ religious abstinence group at which she speaks. Of course it’s only a matter of time however before members and digits are in jeopardy so boyfriends, evil stepbrothers and gynaecologists beware because they may be feeling a lot less of a man after meeting Dawn.

If you’re at all squeamish Teeth is certainly not for you, there are things here that will haunt you such as the sight of a detached male organ getting munched by a Rottweiler!? In fact there were more audible cries of distress in Teeth from the hardy males in the audience than I witnessed in Sex and the City… which is saying something. Leg crossing whilst watching this is pretty much involuntary as my mate Simon and I found out, the females in the cinema however seemed to be finding it all a whole lot funnier…

Apparently the legend of the toothed vagina appears in the mythology of many and diverse cultures all over the world. In these myths, the story is mostly the same - a hero must do battle with the woman and overcome her toothed creature… Yep it’s seriously alternative viewing that’s on offer here.

But despite the weirdness of the plot, the cinematography is excellent if a little purposefully 'matter of fact' – from cool Simpsons like opening shot that takes in the sinister backdrop of twin nuclear power plant cooling towers just behind the family home, you can see that this is a director with a vision. And whilst there is on screen gore and nudity, it takes a backseat to the character interaction and genuinely funny moments of dark humour such as when returning home after emasculating her befriend she is asked by her dad if she’s hungry? “No I’ve had a bite” she quips…”
Ouch!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (7)
+ Lots to ponder and discuss

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- Not really an ‘action’ flick

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
+ Jess Weixler is pretty darn hot

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- So ridiculous that it can be hard to take seriously

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
+ Very dark comedy moments throughout

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööö (7)
Approach with caution but it works for what it is…

Liable to make you:
"keep it in your pants forever!"

DM Poster Quote:
“When Dawn says ‘no’ you better listen… "


"cult classic oddity status assured"

Monday, May 12, 2008

BUG - the 'Darkmatters BUG SEASON kicks off' review


Bug (18)

Dir. William Friedkin

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

If paranoia is contagious… Then I’m freaking, I'm jumping like a jumping jack and dancing screaming, itching, squealing, fevered, feeling… hot hot hot!!!

And you will be too if you take this express elevator to insanity. Bug sees Director William Friedkin evoking the genius he hasn’t showed for 30 something years – it’s a horror / thriller / mindbend of the highest order… That’s obviously a subjective experience but if you’re on the market for a metaphoric descent into the mind of a weirdo (perhaps that’s why you’re reading Darkmatters anyway?)...
Bug should be your next stop…

You could say that this is a riff on post-traumatic stress disorder but the harrowing tale of what happens when nutjob loser Peter (Michael Shannon) meets lonely waitress Agnes (Ashley Judd – giving the performance of her career) in a cheap motel is a glimpse into the very mouth of madness…

With an ominous ringing phone – a certain harbinger of creeping doom – we get to see a love story between two intensely damaged individuals… swapping dialogue like - Peter: I am the drone, to which Agnes replies: I am the mother queen.

In fact here’s my favourite scene which will give you taste:

Peter: You want to know what's going on? All right, then you listen to me, you listen to what I'm going to tell you, because you don't know the… enormity of what we're dealing with here…

Agnes: I'm listening…

Peter: May the 29, 1954, a consortium of bankers, industrialists, corporate C.E.O.'s and politicians held a series of meetings over three days at the Bilderberg Hotel in Oosterbeek, Holland. They drew up a plan for maintaining the status quo…

Agnes: What is that?

Peter: It's the way things are. It's the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer…

Agnes: All right.

Peter: They devised a plan to manipulate technology, economics, the media, population control, world religion, to keep things the way they are. They have continued to meet once a year, every year, since that original meeting. Look it up.

Agnes: O.K….

Peter: Under their orders, the C.I.A. had smuggled Nazi scientists into the States to work with the American military at Calspan, developing an inner-epidermal tracking microchip…

Agnes: Wait…

Peter: A surveillance tool, a computer chip implanted in the skin of every human being born on this planet since 1982. An early test group for the prototype was the People's Temple, and when the Rev. Jim Jones threatened to expose them, he and every member of his church were assassinated… But it wasn't enough just to track people, to spy on them, they wanted control. They created the Intelligence Manned Interface biochip, a subcutaneous transponder, a computer chip imprinted with living brain cells. They needed lab rats to test it, and they found us: me, in the gulf, and another soldier working at Calspan at the time: Tim McVeigh.

Agnes: Oh, no, wait…

Peter: They turned us into… zombies, remote control assassins, then picked Tim up, chucked him in a prison factory. But I found my chip and cut it out, so they sent me back to the lab for further testing and a new experiment… They can't get to everybody, people slip through the cracks, or find the chip and remove it, like me, or Ted Kaczynski. They need a chip that will self-perpetuate, that will spread, like a virus, that people can pass to each other, to everyone.

Good stuff huh?

So having escaped her abusive ex-husband Goss (Harry Connick Jr.) who’s recently been released from prison and is on his way back to her, Agnes – who is still vulnerable having lost her six year old son (how, we’re never quite sure), is at a very low ebb when Peter and his bug infested blood turn up…

Bug is the closest thing you can get to experiencing an on screen insanity inducing claustrophobic nightmare which merges delusion with reality as bugs begin to disrupt the lives of Peter and Agnes...
It’s not a happy story, but this is an important film and a worthy headline entry into the Darkmatters ‘BUG SEASON’…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (8)
- Bug will ransack your head

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
- More a slow burner but there are some flashpoints

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (8)
- Ashley Judd does white trash with style

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)
- This is going to freak some people out (alot)

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- The funnies dry up once the bugs move in

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (9)
- Powerful and desperately sad, this is a must see film

Liable to make you:
"try to extract your own teeth with pliers to make sure there aren’t any bug nests in them…"

DM Poster Quote:
“Oh – I like it when that lightening comes – yes I like it a lot…"


"Matt's new skinwork wasn't a hit with his wife"

Thursday, March 27, 2008

5ive Girls - the 'devil made me do it' review



5ive Girls (15)

Dir. Warren P. Sonoda

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“5 girls vs. 2000 demons. You do the math…” says the tag line for this sensational, hard hitting investigative piece of cinematic – - - erm, nonsense.
So by ‘doing the maths’ I was ready to see each of the five troublesome teens take on 400 demons each in single combat – but it seems it’s not quite as simple as that…

5ive Girls stars the dependable Ron ‘Hell Boy’ Perlman as Father Drake, who runs St Mark’s ‘staunchly over the top Catholic school for naughty girls’ along with hot but ever-so-strict Headmistress Miss Pearce (Amy Lalonde) – she wields a mean long ruler…

The five girls themselves are – in order of tastiness - Alex (Jennifer Miller), Connie (Tasha May), Cecilia (Terra Vnesa), Mara (Jordan Madley) and Leah (Barbara Mamabolo) are each upcoming actresses and acquit themselves well. Plus an honourable mention should go to Krysta Carter who plays Elizabeth, a girl who is taken by the demon baddie right at the start of the flick – which kind of forms a large part of the plot later too.

Basically it’s all a big rip off of other teens with powers movies like The Craft except that this one doesn’t take itself too seriously and ends up being much cooler and more fun than many of its bigger budget predecessors.

The 2000 demons of the tag line are handily rolled into one i.e. Legion – yep, the one who Jesus cast out into a herd of swine in the Gospel of Matthew (and who popped up again in Exorcist III) seems he’s still getting film work at least. As a Christian I am always interested to see how the forces of good and evil are depicted on screen, especially when their biblical characters (however minor) like Legion.

Writer director Warren P. Sonoda has lots of fun with his exploitative set up… Virgin Catholic schoolgirls fighting evil – each blessed with a special power (kind of a supernatural spin on X Men). What’s not to love?

5ive Girls is totally trashy horror that presses enough right buttons to make it worth a look if you like the idea of watching chicks battling a serious evil demonic force that posses all… Probably not one to watch with your mum!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
- Much better than expected, cracks along a pace

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- All bets are off as to who will survive this shocker

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Five for the price of one… actually there are at least 7 attractive females here

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- The low budget shows but doesn’t completely gimp the film thanks to smart scripting

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Sporadically funny moments

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- A decent effort by a director who might be worth tracking

Liable to make you:
"Say your prayers before going near any schools"

DM Poster Quote:
“5ive Girls want to play with you, especially your head!"


"see, I wasn't kidding about the Headmistress and her ruler of punishment"

Darkmatters: H O M E
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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

The Somnambulist - review



The Somnambulist

By Jonathan Barnes

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Be warned. This book has no literary value whatsoever. It is a lurid piece of nonsense, convoluted, implausible, peopled by unconvincing characters, written in drearily pedestrian prose, frequently ridiculous and wilfully bizarre…”

How can you not fall in love with a book that not only opens with this but also uses it as the sales blurb on the back cover?

As a big fan of Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell which I stumbled upon by chance and was blown away by (my review here http://darkmatt.blogspot.com/2006/07/jonathan-strange-mr-norrell.html) – I was surprised to be equally taken by this lower brow but higher energy and vividly grotesque murder mystery. Which I again came across in Waterstones and just had to buy on the spot.

The hero is Edward Moon - a conjuror and amateur detective who hangs around with the titular Somnambulist, a giant bald mute who drinks only milk and who communicates using a chalkboard. Oh and it seems that the Somnambulist is impervious to physical harm – as in Moon’s stage who he survives being run through with swords without any obvious ill effects.

This novel is as promised in the blurb an absolute lurid delight, escapism at its finest, nonsense for sure but packed with a weird and wonderful cast of characters such as a crazed cult leader, a mix and match shady government Directorate run by a tragic albino and a scarred operative who likes Chinamen a little too much… Then there’s Cribb – a guy who lives his life backwards through time and my pick of this motley crew – a pair of unstoppable demonic killers who appear and act like two public schoolboys… who say things like "Murder sir? I say. What larks."

The Somnambulist is a detective novel, but it’s also a suspense thriller / pulp fiction tale of horror, one thing is for sure – it’s a great debut and an inspiration to us working on our first novels!

Can’t wait now to read his next book The Domino Men conspiracy theory you've ever heard about the royal family and the true story about where the power of Number 10 really lies. Apparently there’s a treat for Somnambulist fans as a certain couple of characters are kept within a chalk circle in a cellar beneath Downing Street…

Overall öööö1/2 (4.5/5 all is not as it seems - this is no sleepwalk!)
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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane - review



All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (18)

Dir. Jonathan Levine

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

There she is boys, Mandy Lane. Untouched, pure. Since the dawn of junior year men have tried to possess her, and yet to date - all have failed. Some have even died in their reckless pursuit of this angel.

Everybody has met someone like Mandy Lane, cute, innocent and highly desirable, a real knockout and cool with it. She flits through the male population setting hearts on fire wherever she goes. Admirably clean living – just saying ‘no’ to drugs and booze, Mandy Lane is a textbook babe – the sort of girl you’re mum would like you bring home.

But over a wild weekend at a secluded Texan ranch what promises at first to be fun escape for Mandy (Amber ‘Alpha Dog’ Heard) and five of her school classmates turns from potential romantic dream into fully fledged horror nightmare.


‘All the Boys Love…’ comes on like a hip new insight into teen culture, complete with insecurities, bravado and daring do but before long we’re up to our ears in a red blooded slasher film that is tipping it’s blood soaked hat to the classic horror films of the ‘70s. And ‘All the Boy Love…’ doesn’t mess about – this is a hard, grizzly, exercise in nail biting suspense. The good looking cast might start of looking like a bunch of models on vacation but pretty soon you’ll be wondering who will survive and what will be left of them as an unwelcome psychotic killer gatecrasher seems to want Mandy all to themselves. All the boys are certainly dying to be with her - literally…

I can’t praise Amber Heard enough for her depiction of Mandy Lane, she’s set a new standard for bringing sexy back in every scene. The rest of the cast all do their thing admirably too whilst first time director Jonathan Levine has a great eye for quality cinematic shots, decent scares and a great twist ending. ‘All the Boys Love…’ is that rare beast – a quality horror film that has real cinematic merit and plot elements that will be talked about for years to come.

If you’re after some seriously gruesome thrills, mixed with well-observed teenage high jinks and a really pervasive mounting sense of dread that doesn’t let up until the final frame, go for a night out with Mandy Lane… What’s not to love?

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööööö (9)
- It's a rush from beginning to end!!

Tasty Action: ööööööööö (9)
- Lots of well constructed horror

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööööö (10)
- Amber Heard is a goddess, her pals arn't bad (or shy) either

Mind Blight / Boredom: öö (2)
- Excellently written and superbly produced

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- Some well observed dark humour

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
- Horror rarely gets this good, go check it out!!

Liable to make you:
"Fall in love with Mandy Lane and pray for a sequel"

DM Poster Quote:
“All the horror fans love Mandy Lane”


"Mandy Lane... innocent supervixen supreme!"

See more of Amber Heard here:
Amber Heard -New Film Hottie

Darkmatters: H O M E