Film Review: JARHEAD

Jarhead (15)
Dir. Sam Mendes’

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


Welcome to the U.S. Marines. Thank you signing up to become a Jarhead – a hollow headed recruit ready to have your mind filled with killing know how, patriotic jingoism and an unswerving desire to serve your commanding officer. It’s a great life. See the world (well the desert at least), make some interesting new friends (admittedly mostly psychos), and after an arduous soul destroying training process – go out there are kill some enemies*. Remember that your country loves you and is grateful for the oil supplies your actions are helping to secure…
*Actually you might not get to kill (or even see) any enemies on the duration of your tour of duty, but there are refunds.
For most problems the U.S. Marine is issued a solution. If ill, go to sickbay. If wounded, call a Corpsman. If dead, report to graves registration. If losing his mind, however, no standard solution exists… So, welcome to The Suck.
Sam ‘American Beauty’ Mendes’ film is a fascinating, disturbing and powerful portrayal of one Jarhead’s experience of the first Gulf War. Based on the real life Anthony Swofford's memoirs – he is brought to the big screen by a suitably bulked up Jake Gyllenhaal. Perhaps. the most shocking thing about Jarhead is that there is hardly any ‘action’ – it is a study of men going out of their minds through boredom, whilst always under the tease/spectre of attack. The harsh desert conditions combine with the ever increasing realisation that the girlfriends back home may not be wearing yellow ribbons and waiting patiently for them. Doubts and lack of anything meaningful to do start to sap the sanity from the soldiers and while it might not sound like it; it’s compelling stuff to watch. Jamie Foxx is excellent as Swofford’s corp loving Staff Sergeant and Mendes delivers some retina burning images such as Iraq’s burning oilfields.
One thing is for sure – Jarhead is not likely to prompt a massive rush to enlist in the way that more pumped up action orientated war films have (yes, I admit that even I wanted to be a Naval Aviator after Top Gun). But I strongly recommend this film – it is a delicious counterbalance to the ‘managed’ news coverage, which can make it all look so easy to the casual observer.
Now, repeat after me. “This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. Without my rifle, I am nothing. Without me, my rifle is nothing”... Woo Haa!!

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (I feel the need, the need for speed... erm or going mental in the desert)


"The Suck is always waiting..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: The Tesseract

The Tesseract (15)
Dir. Oxide Pang

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Here’s some advance science that you might need to get your head around if you’re going to take The Tesseract at face value (i.e. anything other than just pretentious bollox).

1. The tesseract is apparently a hypercube ‘unravelled’.

2. When you ‘unravel’ a square you get: a line, (two dimensions become one).

3, If do the same to a cube you get: a cross, (three dimensions become two).

4. Now… try it with a hypercube and you’ll find that it unravels to become a tesseract, (four dimensions become three).
- You’ll also find that the half decent novel by Alex ‘The Beach’ Garland and unravels to become a woolly, strange little film that fails to engage or amuse very much at all…

So this Englishman, female psychologist, young bellboy and a wounded female assassin walk into a Bankok bar… “Why the long face?” asks the bartender – “just watch this film we’re in“ they reply in unison… their fates cross and it all unfolds in or around a sleazy Bangkok hotel, or does it?

Erm, yes, yes it does but don’t forget though that a tesseract is ‘a hypercube unravelled’, which is to say it is a representation in three dimensions of a cube's four-dimensional equivalent – and you may well find your mind unravelling whilst watching this – causing thoughts like ‘why am I not watching something better instead?’ to circle in your brain… You see the complex criss-crossing of four strangers' lives through an achronological framework is actually a bit duff up on screen.

Darkmatt Rating: öö (You’ve got better things to do with your time)


"if you mention the huge zit on my forehead I'm going to blow you away!!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Hard Candy - Sugar, We're Going Down

"great poster... get ready for a cool looking psychological thriller"

Xmen 3's Kathryn "Kitty" Pryde/Shadowcat (Ellen Page) stars in this provocative drama about a 32-year-old man who takes home a 14-year-old girl he meets on the Internet - with surprising / gruesome consequences... Nice idea to see the tables turned on the predatory adult for a change...

Check more details here: Hard Candy

And also discovered the joys of Fall Out Boy this week...

"A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it..."

The album is a cool fast paced effort but 'Sugar We're Going Down' is the standout track.

Reviews of other stuff you might want to read indexed here

Darkmatters: H O M E

SURFACE comes to the UK

"or Tuesdays 9pm on ITV2 if you're in the UK!"

SURFACE comes to the UK - Matt gets very excited!!

It's not everyday that you find a killer new TV show. So God bless ITV2 for bringing the best US sci fi TV show since 'Carnivale' to the UK. I tuned in last night not knowing what to expect - except 'big underwater creatures' and I was blown away by just how cool this series it...

You have to love the tag line: "The fate of the world is in their hands... They just don't know it yet!"

As the official site blurb for the pilot goes: "THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE GOING ON IN THE WORLDS OCEANS During a routine submarine dive, oceanographer Laura Daughtery (Lake Bell) discovers an unknown life form and unearths a government cover-up operation led by scientist Dr. Aleksander Cirko (Rade Sherbedegia) Meanwhile, Louisiana fisherman and Christian Richard Beck (Jay R. Ferguson) loses his brother in a suspicious diving accident, and a young boy named Miles (Carter Jenkins) sneaks an unusual aquatic egg into his home. From the South Antarctic Sea and the Gulf of Mexico to San Diego and Monterey, there's something lurking in the water. Leighton Meester also stars." Read more here: http://www.nbc.com/Surface/

The directors - twin brothers Jonas and Josh Pate - have come up with a winning formula: take a good looking cast, add dragons of biblical proportions and mix with some decent scares... It's like watching 'The OC' crossed with Close Encounters, but of an aquatic kind...

Darkmatt first impression Rating: öööö (this one has legs, erm and fins)


"Hey, no looking at my tits!!"

But don't take my word for it - check out this great 'bible induced' write up from http://frimmin.com/movies/surface.html:
"The King James version of the Old Testament translated both the Hebrew ten and tanin as dragon, resulting in dozens of mentions. Ten simply was a mistranslation which most modern versions correctly render as “jackal.” Tanin is much more complex. Sometimes it's clearly a land creature, and seems to be merely the plural of ten, but other times, it refers to a magnificent, mythological beast of the sea, powerful, mighty, and wild beyond words. Tanin is often paired with the Leviathan which God shows off as something He's really proud of... The modern translations that render this super-beast tanin as “crocodile” or “hippopotamus” miss the point completely. These are God's dragons.
It has great characters, and sometimes jaw-dropping action, and beyond that, Surface includes things usually neglected in sci-fi action stories, like humor and charm, which it deftly uses to make its jolts even more shocking."

Sexy Leighton Meester - makes Surface a must see!

Reviews of other stuff you might want to read indexed here

Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: Running Scared

Running Scared
Dir. Wayne Kramer

Reviewed by Matt ‘not in his right mind’ Adcock

As The Guardian’s Andrew Pulver says: “No one in their right minds could call this a good film, but it's certainly unique.” Well in that case I’m obviously not in my right mind as I loved it!!

You’ll know if you read my reviews that I’m often’ out of sync’ with the mainstream critics and so here I am again telling you that a film which is tracking poor reviews from the national media is actually really worthy of your time…

There is one perquisite to enjoying Running Scared though – you have to be able to take violence and not flinch at a remorseless stream of nasty things done by nasty characters… Paul Arendt from the BBC chips in for good measure: “the stage is set for a lurid mystery tour through Kramer's seedy cityscape, a neighbourhood populated exclusively by pimps, prostitutes, crack hounds, mobsters, tramps and bent coppers. It makes Sin City look like Disneyland.” Oh and he forgot to mention the sickest pair of paedophiles to grace the screen for some time too. But what is great about Running Scared is that it sets about taking out the trash with a nitrous powered deathwish. This is a modern fairy tale – think of it like an 18 rated version of Lemony Snicket's 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' – with lots of gun battles, car chases, hot women and a constant stream of deviant baddies…

Paul ‘Fast and the Furious’ Walker comes across well as the mob associate charged with disposing of the guns used in the various nefarious acts carried out and he’s built up quite a collection. When a crooked cop has his balls blown clean off and another slug put in his head by the same gun, it is deposited with Walker for disposal. Alas his next door neighbour’s kid ‘borrows’ the gun used in the police killing and ventilates his abusive father... setting in motion a manic night of events which has to be seen to be believed.

It is grim stuff but sometimes there’s a place for that – so if you’ve got the guts, check out Running Scared - I guarantee that you’ll never forget the ‘inquisition by hockey puck’ scene.

Mark my words - "This will be a ‘cult classic’ before the year is out!!"

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (grim but good... from the maker of 'The Cooler')


"love the artwork - and from the end credits am sure there's an Asley Wood influence / connection?"

Reviews of other films and stuff you might want to read indexed here

Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: Memoirs of a Geisha

"A story like mine has never been told."

Memoirs of a Geisha (12a)
Dir. Rob Marshall

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

I confess right away that I was not born into the life of a Geisha, for that I am grateful but to be honest I don’t think I have the legs for it anyway… The Japanese Geisha girls were not courtesans, they were not wives, they were a unique kind of companion tasked with creating a secret world, a place only of beauty. The very word "Geisha" means ’artist‘ and to be a Geisha is to be judged as a moving work of art. Rob ‘Chicago’ Marshall’s film version really captures this. Helped in no little measure by having the gorgeous Ziyi Zhang in the lead role of Sayuri, Memoirs of a Geisha has some of the most beautiful screen imagery ever committed to film.

Based on the international best selling novel by Arthur Golden, the film doesn’t strive for anything deep or very meaningful but does manage to deliver a strong love story set in a world which has mostly past into legend now.
As a visual experience Memoirs of a Geisha conjures up words like sumptuous, seductive and striking. The sets, the costumes, the acting – all blend into a wonderful picture book that will leave its imprint on your mind’s eye. Ken Watanabe takes a break from his recent action roles in Batman Begins and Last Samurai to be the iconic ‘Chairman’ – the man who wins the heart of Sayuri. But the course of true love never runs straight (or easy) and the villain of the piece is the hate filled Hatsumomo played by the lovely Li Gong, back on screen again soon in the new Miami Vice film. Here though she is an older rival Geisha who does all she can to break Sayuri’s spirit, and the resulting emotional battle of wills between the two leading ladies is quite something to behold. At points you can almost feel Zhang struggling not to launch into one of her martial arts combat moves which she excelled at in films like ‘House of Flying Daggers’. I had the chance to talk to her at the press conference for Memoirs of a Geisha and asked which was tougher – the fighting or the Geisha training. She told me “I think to be a Geisha is harder.” And after watching the film you may well believe her!

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (a simple but tasty oriental treat)

Matt Adcock meets Ziyi Zhang


"Ziyi was hot but hadn't quite got the hang of the YMCA dance..."

Earlier post about the Geisha including some lovely photos of Ziyi Zhang

Reviews of other films and stuff you might want to read indexed here

h o m e

Matt Adcock meets Ziyi Zhang

to quote Beyonce: "ooh boy you lookin like you like what you see..."

Matt Adcock meets Ziyi Zhang

Here - finally - is my quick interview with the gorgeous Ziyi Zhang... English is her second language so it wasn't the chattiest few minutes but man she is hot hot hot!!

So Ziyi, was Memoirs of A Geisha a book you knew?

Zhang: “I read it five years ago. I’d heard about it from many of my friends who just loved it. I loved this story, it was so special. I never thought that one day I could be in this story, playing this character. So for me, the first time I heard I had got the role I was happily surprised. At the same time I felt tremendous pressure, because I knew Rob was going to make this movie in English. For me that was my biggest obstacle, because English is my second language and I only started learning it two years ago. I just felt that then I had to live up to their expectations and had to give all my best efforts. You can’t let them have any regrets, you have to do your best.”

What was the hardest aspect of geisha training?

Zhang: “I found my dance the hardest thing to learn. Even though I had six years of dance background, that was the hardest thing to do. You have to get used to wearing those big platform shoes. The first time Michelle saw those shoes she asked if they were handbags. We thought it must be a prop, but John, our choreographer, told me I had to dance in them. I thought it’d be impossible, but after five hours a day over a few weeks, finally I could get it. I love the dance because it involved a high degree of acting as well. I know the process was really difficult but, for me, it was also a big challenge.”

Having been seen on screen engaged in some epic fights in recent years, which is harder for you Ziyi – fighting or being a geisha?

Zhang: “I think to be a geisha is harder.”

So, there you go... GEISHA review will be up this weekend (link to follow).

Earlier post about the Geisha including some lovely photos of Ziyi Zhang

Reviews of other films and stuff you might want to read indexed here

h o m e

Film Review: Honey

"Honey by name and - well just look at her will you?"

Honey (PG)
Dir. Bille Woodruff

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Sometimes you can't help but come across a film, um, no - not like that... Perhaps I should say 'rediscover' a film that you kind of meant to watch when it came out (2003) but never bothered to.

Well today I came over young Honey's face
- peeking out of my lovefilm envelope but alas it was a hollow experience.

As my friend 'Planet Sickboy' said: "The acting – and God help me if this hinders my future attempts to woo Ms. Alba – is abominable. Alba is armed with a perpetual wide smile that borders on mildly retarded."

Honey is a poor film but my goodness Jessica Alba is still so supremely watchable that it almost doesn't matter... See her put the 'sex' into 'sexy Hip Hop video', marvel at how she becomes a world leading video director over night, vomit at the 'dance can defeat any evil' motive, rewind and watch her putting the 'sex' in to 'sexy Hip Hop video' etc.

Darkmatt Rating: öö (and both of those ö's are for the dance scenes alone)

Reviews of other stuff you might want to read indexed here


"Ah miss Alba, did I ever need a reason to post photos of you on my blog?"

Matt's Top Games of 2005

"The 'stunningly lifelike' solid silver award for best game 2005 goes to..."

I found it really hard to choose an outright winner from the games I've spent far too much time playing in 2005... so in an outrageous cop out here are my top ten but in no particular order except by format as each has its own distinctive merits and ate many hours...

On the PC:

Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War: Winter Assault
- how to make the best RTS war game even better? Just add this expansion pack!!

The Movies
- This is the game that the Sims etc have wanted to become - lights camera action...

On the PS2:

Mercenaries
- Hunting down scumbags in a warzone for cash rewards (dressed as Han Solo - yes please!)

Burnout Revenge
- More high octane thrills and spills than you can shake a can of nitrous boost at.

Gun
- Yee Haa, I'm a cowboy and I'll freakin blow you to kingdom come.

On the PSP:
So many cool games but highlights have to be...

Lumines
- Pure addiction that lasts longer than you'd ever have thought!

Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories
- The 'daddy' of handheld games, this is an awesome game, just amazing...

The Lord of the Rings: Tactics
- Hunting hobbits as a black rider = highly fulfilling pastime!!


On the DS:

Advance Wars: Dual Strike
- Same again but with added cool new units and features? Yes...


On the humble GBA:

Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones
- From the makers of Advance Wars comes fantasy strategy joy in a little box.

On the XBox?
Um, move along here, there's nothing to see... there wasn't anything that I played to death - I guess Fable? but mostly a host of PS2 ports in the main with slightly better graphics, lets just hope the 360 gets some better games or I can see it getting squished by the PS3!!

Matt Adcock's Top Games of 2004

Film reviews of other stuff you might want to read indexed here

Film Review: The Producers

The Producers (12a)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

OK, imagine you’ve always dreamed of being a Broadway Producer – the lights, the glamour, the masses of showgirls lining up to catch your eye – oh not to mention the money… But did you realise, that potentially, under the right circumstances, a producer could actually make more money with a flop than he could with a hit? That’s the central premise of The Producers, the film of the hit stage show, which was based on the original Mel ‘Blazing Saddles’ Brooks film.
Anyway here we get Nathan Lane (the voice of Timon from the Lion King no less) as a down on his luck producer who cooks up a get rich quick scam with his accountant played by Matthew Broderick. They plan to put on the worst show ever and settle for a snappy little title “Springtime for Hitler: A gay romp with Eva and Adolf at Berchtesgaden” which looks like fitting the bill rather well. In traditional Mel Brooks style a host of wacky characters are drawn into the one joke plot including a suitably over the top Will Ferrell as the neo-nazi author of Springtime for Hitler. Ferrell is amusing but his performance feels forced and alas too much of the mirth making burden falls on his head.
The best reason to go see The Producers though is Uma Thurman’s Ulla – a million miles away from The Bride in Kill Bill, here Uma gets to sizzle her way across the screen. Best described when Lane says following her audition: ”Even though we're sitting down, we're giving you a standing ovation”, and from the looks on the faces of the guys around the cinema – he and Broderick probably weren’t alone in that...
If you liked the stage version then you’ll want to check out this big screen retelling as the songs do look and sound good. What it doesn’t really do enough though is to utilise the unlimited boundaries of being a film rather than the restrictions of a stage based musical. In the end unfortunately, The Producers just doesn’t deliver as much of a riotous laugh-a-thon as I was hoping for and although enjoyable it is quickly forgotten.
2006 however is looking rather promising on the movie front – with films to look forward to including: Superman Returns, The Da Vinci Code, Xmen 3, Miami Vice and of course the new James Bond (Daniel Craig) in Casino Royale – yes please!!


Darkmatt Rating: ööö (Uma makes it less painfull)

Reviews of other stuff you might want to read indexed here


"You've got the part(s) - I think you'll be a big hit Ulla!!"

Matt's Hot Movies For 2006

"and lead us into cinematic temptation in 2006..."

Matt's Hot Film Tips for 2006...

Gazing into my magic mirror of future film releases in 2006 I see many things - I see sequels but the bucketload which may or may not be any good, I see a few potential original hits, I see some almost certain turkeys and as part of my ongoing community service here are a few of the films I'm going to be checking out:

"new man of steel on the block"

Superman Returns already generating big-screen buzz, Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor, Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane and Brandon Routh as the man of steel. This one will be big in June!!

The Da Vinci Code , based on Dan Brown's best-seller (which I haven't read yet), could be a hot ticket in May. Ron Howard will be directing Tom Hanks if that helps give you an idea...

Miami Vice has my spider sense tingling because I loved the original TV series and writer-director Michael Mann normally delivers - throw in Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx and bad boy Colin Farrell and we could be talking major fun in July.

Casino Royale , the latest 007 Daniel Craig will get to show us if he can deliver as the new James Bond in November.

X-Men 3 looks like one of my potential 'films of the year' - snick those claws out in anticipation!!

Mission: Impossible III could go either way but I'm hoping it rocks.

Captain Jack Sparrow's return to the screen in July with Keith Richards, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest will be a winner...

'A Dame to Kill For' - aka - Sin City 2 has to be on your 'must see' list too.

I may be out on my own here but Underworld: Evolution is one I'll be seeing with anticipation.

And whilst Die Hard 4.0 may or may not see the light of day in '06, Bruce Willis will rock in Alpha Dog - mark my words...

"The Alpha Dog... poolside"

Cult wild cards also worth checking if you ask me are:

30 Days of Night (2006)

Bubba Nosferatu (2006)

Clerks 2 (2006)

And for those sickos out there - this will potentially be your film of the year: Hostel


"guaranteed to be grim..."

Reviews and other stuff you might want to read indexed here

Matt Adcock's Worst Films 2005

"Hey... turkeys to go - at least this one has the potential to be 'tasty' "

So here they are - the famous five films that made me wish I wasn't watching them...

In reverse order then:


Four Brothers
The film makers 'deserve a punishment beating' for making this pile of crap

A Lot Like Love
A lot like a boredom more like

Bewitched
Loses extra points because I was hoping this would be OK

XXX2: The Next Level
'the XXX franchise straps on masses of self-destructive material and takes a running jump off the cliff of watchability'

Without A Paddle
Chewing off your own arm is more enjoyable


But 2005 did have some cool films - here's my Top Ten: Matt Adcock's Top 10 Films 2005

Last year's five worst: Worst Films of 2004

Reviews and other stuff you might want to read indexed here

Film Review: Lassie

Lassie (PG)
Dir. Charles Sturridge

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Here girl, good doggie – ah Lassie, the cute collie of yesteryear is back from retirement and back in the UK where the original books were apparently set. So see how she saves an unfortunate fox from a hunt, marvel at her heartbreaking attachment to some pinched faced little northern boy from the poor family (Jonathan Mason) and erm, yawn at the homing pigeon antics of the ‘dog who came home’ as she comes home against the odds again and again.
It feels a bit mean spirited to ‘diss’ Lassie too much but this just isn’t a very good film. And I have a feeling that it was probably at least partly funded by the Yorkshire tourist board as it tries really hard to make the place look gorgeous and with wide sweeping hillside shots through which Lassie runs through in slow doggie motion.
Plot you ask – you’ll wish you hadn’t - basically when ‘heart of gold’ coal miner Sam (John Lynch) has his mine closed and he and his loyal wife Sarah (Samantha Morton) realise that their only saleable asset is their lovable dog, they sell her.
But Lassie isn’t beaten that easily (although dog lovers please note that she does get a quite distressing belt whipping from Gregor ‘Rab C Nesbitt’ Fisher at one point). Another scene that might cause distress is the death of another brave little dog – at the hands of Nicholas 'Rodney' Lyndhurst no less but overall the only thing that’s going to upset anyone about this film is the fact that paid to see it.
The few highlights on offer are a mildly brilliant bumbling turn by Peter O'Toole as the Duke of Rudling, some slapstick farce at the expense of some Scottish dog wardens and a great cameo by Nessie herself in one of the gratuitous landscape shots – this time in Scotland obviously…
But Lassie 2005 feels extremely unnecessary and should only really be considered for use in a ‘child care emergency situations’ and even then the kids probably won’t thank you for it.

Darkmatt Rating: öö (Not the dog's bollocks)

Reviews of other stuff you might want to read indexed here

Christmas Treat - Brooks's Mickled Onions

"May contain erm, well your guess is as good as mine!?"

Blatant Product Endorsement: Brooks's Mickled Onions

This came today - a Christmas present from one of my very best friends - Mr Mike Brooks.
The man is obviously a marketing genius!! Just gotta love that packaging...

You know - back in the day, when we were young pups discovering the joys of drinking and stumbling home with a packet of hot chips in one hand and a hot woman in the other - we used to share a mutual appreciation of what we termed 'SERIOUS' pickled onions...

I can confirm that the mind altering, mouth tingling properties of "Brooks's Mickled Onions" brought those memories flooding back like some kind of freaky flashback... But wow - they sure do go well with cheese on toast!!

Cheers m8 - I need to put in a bulk order...


"It's the secret recipe that keeps you guessing - or it might be the pink hat!?"

Reviews and other stuff you might want to read indexed here

Matt Adcock's Top 10 Films 2005

"Christmas - a Happy One you're having I hope? But great disturbance in the force did only just scraping into the top ten make..."

You don't have to agree, but these are the ones that 'did it' for me...

Matt's TOP TEN FILMS 2005

1. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe
What can I say - a magical experience that's worth treasuring forever!

2. Sin City
Style and substance (the substance being comic book ultra violence) but beautifully done...

3. House of Flying Daggers
Wow, sensory overload, heartbreaking and cool

4. Batman Begins
It's a dark knight out there... The best yet in fact!

5. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
Feel good buddy detective adventure perfection - very funny too

6. Pride & Prejudice
Miss Knightley stuns as the feisty Austen heroine...

7. King Kong
Big and hairy, and that's just his balls... Thy Kingdom Kong

8. The Constant Gardener
Powerful quality drama, very watchable

9. Serenity
Sci Fi tastiness, the Firefly flies again...

10. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Anakin don't do it! Oh, ok then - go Lord Vader go


Matt Adcock's Films Of 2004

Reviews and other stuff you might want to read indexed here

Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine are back (well sort of)...

"Carter USM... they were the best, and here is a wonderful thing - the 'lost' tracks"

The Good, The Bad, The Average and Unique

Carter f The Unstoppable Sex Machine f

"Hang on baby, baby hang on!"

How happy am I? Exfreakinstatically overexcited – because of a new CD but not just any CD, this is Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine - The Good, The Bad, The Average and Unique.

What’s the big deal with this?
Well it’s an emotional thing, a nostalgic thing, a CD that I never thought would ever be made…
Back in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s Carter USM were my very favourite band… In a career that spanned 10 years, Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine's achievements included a number one album, decking Philip Schofield live on TV and many hit singles whose lyrics dealt with such unlikely pop themes as child abuse, corrupt landlords and AIDS. Their ferociously entertaining live shows have earned them the most dedicated fan followings in the wonderful world of alternative pop – I was one of those fans…
The memory of Reading Festival ’91 is strong in my mind, Mike (icon) Brooks and I were there, ‘30 Something’ T Shirts worn proudly, loving every minute of it… It was possibly Carter’s finest hour…
Then as Carter finally imploded about ’95, Mike and I found ourselves one evening at an exclusive promo gig held in the big Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street. Carter played a track called ‘Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Everything’ and it rocked, but it was never released…
Until now.
Good, Bad, Average has ‘Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Everything’ on it as well as some other very tasty unreleased songs like the awesome ‘Hounded’, loads of demos, some sound checks and live tracks… In a word it’s CARTER Nirvana!!

I love it and I strongly recommend that you check the ‘Shoppers Paradise’ where you can purchase it for the bargain price of £12…http://www.carterusm.co.uk/

“Things are getting better now…
I read it in a junk mail letter how,
I saw it in a magazine,
I heard it on the Indie Scene…
Now you know everything, about everything…”

I can honestly say that I wouldn't be the person I am today if Carter USM hadn't existed... No Carter, no Darkmatters...

And it was the song Shoppers Paradise (a Carter B Side) that cemented my love for them - read these lyrics and hopefully you'll see what I mean...

"Ground floor Shoppers' Paradisehabit-dashery, needles, spoons and knives knuckle-dusters, glass jaws and wooden hearts

Spend your money girls on sprays and lipsticks tested on bunnies, girls, strays and misfits

ozone friendly rape alarmsfor those blinding dates - another summer of hate

It's the top shop for the tired and rundown going up for the final comedown

First and second floors, third and fourth world wars

We've got a free pair of flares with every hip replacement - just take the stairs to the bargain basement

Babies bottles full ot the milk of human 'kind-nestle'

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - the big shop is open it's a wonderful world

Top floor Shoppers' Paradise we've got a drunk Father Christmas and The Antichrist

We've got nothing of value so there's no V.A.T. we're going S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G.

We take Visa, Access, American Express patched-up, hand-me-down, second to next bestclothes for all ages, mothers and babies

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls the big shop is open it's a wonderful world

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls the big shop is open it's a wonderful world!!

Going down for all the things you missed all the love, peace and happiness that don't exist

We've got enpsychopaedias we've got pic 'n' fix - a government freezer full of benefits

A children's assortment we're bigger than Hamleys

We've got Cabbage Patch orphans from Sylvanian Famllies

Carpets, Iinoleum, holy petroleum, Chemi-kaze killers, little Hitlers and Napoleans

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - the big shop is open and the world is wonderful..."

Come back CARTER... the world needs you.

Photo of me wearing a Carter T Shirt published in The Guardian

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What every guy needs for Christmas?

"The wife / babe remote"

Oh I'll be in so much trouble if / when my good wife sees this post but all I can do to try and defend this blatant sexist misogynist male propaganda is, erm, damn it…

How about this cool quote from Desperate Housewives?

" ‘Money can't buy happiness’ is just something we tell poor people to keep them from rioting"
- Gabrielle (Eva Longoria)

It’s a long shot – actually I think my Mrs is a Sony so that JVC remote doesn’t seem to be working…

Oh man, here she comes...

Um, I gotta sign off now, I’m getting ‘that look’ from my better half!!

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Have a SONY Christmas... The RDR-HX510

"Mmmmmm... I love Christmas and I LOVE my RDR-HX510"

DVD Recorder with Hard Disk Drive = lots of fun!!

You know what? When you work all day and have a family it can put a real strain on your ability to catch all the quality TV you want to... That's when you need a Sony RDR-HX510...

Pause your live TV, record a program and start watching it back while still recording, enjoy picture and sound quality which are awesome.

This little baby may not be 'top of the range' but boy it's a sweetie, very user friendly and tough too (our ParcelForce guy dropped it onto the concrete whilst waiting for my wife to sign for it and it's fine!?)...

Here's some specs:

80GB HDD capacity
DVD+R Doulbe-Layer disc compatible
Precision Cinema Progressive
HQ+ recording for high picture quality
64 x High Speed Dubbing from HDD to DVD
Pause Live TV
Intelligent Chaptering
D-Matrix Noise reduction
Chasing Playback

Check the best prices for them by clicking here: bizrate.com

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Film Review: The Family Stone

"feel the love indeed... or don't bother"

The Family Stone (PG)
Dir. Thomas Bezucha

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid. At Christmas time, we let in light and banish shade… Oh sorry, got distracted there, but if you’re feeling at all Christmassy (as I am) then you may want to give The Family Stone a miss. From the trailer you’d be forgiven for expecting a fun filled festive romp - where uppity, uptight Sarah Jessica Parker gets humiliated by her hunky boyfriend Everett's relatives. In reality what you get is a downer family drama with mild comedy moments that really don’t sit comfortably in the muddle of issues that this film takes on.
It isn’t a completely bad film – you just need to know that you’re getting yourself into a melodramatic melting pot of strained relationships, smug clichéd characters and cheesy romantic tangles. The stunning Rachel ‘Wedding Crashers’ McAdams at least offers something watchable to take your mind off the fairly tedious plot that stumbles along like it’s been on the sauce at the Christmas office party.
Thomas Bezucha directs The Family Stone without any real panache but the cast try their best to save the film by giving their all. Luke Wilson, is great as the worldly wise pothead brother, Claire Danes is lovely as Parker’s less uptight sister and Diane Keaton goes for the emotional jugular with her ‘matriarch who hasn’t got long to live’ mother of the family. But there’s no shaking the whiff of turkey in the air and even though The Family Stone kept my attention, my feelings towards it are steadily growing colder than the snow threatening evening air outside. In fact I can’t see myself ever wanting to watch it again as it really is a disposable chunk of by the numbers bittersweet comedy drama. But, if you’re itching for a big screen issue fest – The Family Stone has more than its fair share: bigotry, homophobia, race and disabled issues are all on the menu of one particularly dark dinner table scene but call me old fashioned that’s not really what I’m looking for in my Christmas movie viewing…As Wilson’s character says at one point: “You have the freak flag, you just don't fly it”, I think that sums up the movie as a whole, its got the guts to tackle divisive issues but it wimps out of really letting rip. The Family Stone is a chewy Christmas humbug but when the loud battle noise of Narnia from the next screen along could be heard over the poignant conversation, I began to feel I was in the wrong screen… Happy Christmas!!

Darkmatt Rating: öö (Stone Cold)

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"Miss McAdams... one reason to see Family Stone"

Matt gets his GUN (review)

"Nice logo... quality wild west thrills... Yea haa cowboy!!"

GUN - PS2

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Man I love this game, it really is a perfect way to release stress after a hard day at work.
Think Grand Theft Wild West and you're in the right area... Ride the range, kills the baddies (and innocents if you're twisted), get 'friendly' with the gold hearted hookers, shoot out the meanest shootouts to grace the PS2 (or BillGatesBox) for some time.

It's like starring in your own episode of Deadwood.

The controls are tight, the graphics are nice and the plot is over the top with maximum gratuitous violence thrown in for good measure. No - this isn't a game for kids but yes if you want a quick time out from your day to day moral law abiding life...

Go get your GUN, you won't regret it!!

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (bang, bang... you're dead sucker!)

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"Hey pal... see that bit of your head flying off there? That's for looking at me funny!"