Film Review: Hard Candy

Hard Candy (18)
Dir. David Slade

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Prepare to be shocked, provoked and toyed with by Hayley, the smartest, most unhinged 14-year-old you’re ever likely to meet. Sure she looks cute, like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth but there is pure ice in her eyes and revenge on her mind…The other player in this hardcore, twist-packed examination of crime and punishment is Jeff. Jeff’s a charming, successful 32 year old guy, by day he photographs models for fashion magazines but by night he just might be a sick paedophile killer of young girls. Hard Candy is the white knuckle tale of what happens when Jeff picks up Hayley after flirting with her online… Is he just pathetically lonely? Is she just dangerously naive? Not a chance. Hard Candy is a bold and refreshing twist on the predator / victim scenario and the dangers of internet grooming. David ‘MTV Video Director’ Slade’s big screen debut is a disturbing fast train to a place where anything can happen and it hits like a punch to the face. The skill of the tale is that it keeps you off balance right from the icky start where we get to monitor their inappropriate chatroom courtship. But just who is courting who and why? Nothing is quite as it first seems and like the best horror thrillers Hard Candy keeps you guessing right up until the end,
Ellen Page who plays Haley delivers a stunning powerhouse performance and shows that she’s destined for greatness – you might have also spotted her last month in Xmen: The Last Stand as Shadow Cat. Anyway, here she is Hannibal Lecter in a mini skirt on a mission to ‘out’ Jeff (Patrick Wilson) as a criminal and potentially ensure that he never transgresses again.
Be advised that this is not a simple cat and mouse game but a fully fledged scalpel wielding exposition backed up with graphic violence – most of it directed towards Jeff’s nether regions. If you’re a medical student you might even want to take notes as young Haley reaches the parts that most horror films dare not reach. Unless you’re a bloke of course in which case you’ll be too busy sweating, crossing your legs and squirming in your seat.
It’s rare to see a film quite so highly relevant in today’s climate of abuse of lenient sentencing outrages… Controversial and expertly scripted, Hard Candy should be seen by anyone who has erm… the ‘balls’.

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):
Action ööö – Crunching, chopping etc
Laughs öö – Couple of smart jokes - very dark
Horror öööö – Add an extra star if you have nuts
Babes ööö – Page is jailbait alright - but jail would be preferable than what she has in mind!

Overall öööö (A must see thriller)

"now Jeff... what other parts do you want me to chop off?"

Additional info: David Slade's next film is going to be 30 Days of Night, one of the best ever graphic novels (by the twisted genius who is Steve Niles). The plot is about a town where it gets dark for over a month - the perfect place you might think for a gathering of sunlight adverse vampires... and you'd be right! V. excited about this one...

Earlier post about Hard Candy: Sugar We're Going Down

Darkmatters: H O M E

Hard Candy - A Must See Movie

"who will survive and what will be left of them..."

Full review this weekend (damn this distracting football World Cup).

Earlier post about Hard Candy: http://darkmatt.blogspot.com/2006/01/hard-candy-sugar-were-going-down.html

Darkmatters: H O M E

New Sony Vaio Desktop

"the VAIO has landed"

The tech bods at Sony be praised...

"it looks good and it functions even better..."

Much happiness is abound in the home of the Adcocks - our new VA1 baby is up and running and has the most beautiful screen I've ever witnesses for PC use (important things like watching DVDs e.g. Sin City, playing Dawn of War, blogging etc)...

Check the specs here: Sony VA1

Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: RV

RV (PG)
Dir. Barry Sonnenfeld

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

They’re out there…waiting. They can sense your fear, they know your every weakness and if you don’t finish making their dinner soon they’ll strike… remember… ‘On a family vacation, no one can hear you scream’.
So, if you haven’t planned your summer holiday yet you could always just hire a huge RV (Recreational Vehicle for those non yank literate) and head off into the hills with the family. Seems like a great idea yeah, and what better to get you in the mood than a sentimental, heart warming Robin Williams comedy in the style of National Lampoon’s Family Vacation? Oh right, yes, I see your point…
Anyway, RV sees put upon dad Bob Munro (Robin Williams in slightly restrained comedy mode) taking his dysfunctional family cross-country on a hellish road trip to the Colorado Rockies. This plan isn’t greeted with great enthusiasm by the rest of the Munro clan – self-absorbed wife Jamie, daughter Cassie and son Carl - mostly because they had planned a beach vacation in Hawaii instead.
The kids played by pop starlet JoJo and Josh ‘Zathura’ Hutcherson, convince as the spoilt attention seeking hell spawn, ashamed to be seen within 100 metres of their well meaning dad. When asked to christen the RV they come up with “rolling turd” a fairly fitting name all things considered.
Comedy mishaps dog the family every step of the way, most memorable of which include a full body excrement shower and various run encounters with Jeff Daniels’ RV clan of home schooled backwater good ol boys and girls. Plus the parking brakes are shot on the RV so whenever the script writer gets stuck for inspiration (at least eight times I counted) – it rolls off and hilarity ensues…
It’s deeply forgettable stuff but less offensive than it could have been mostly thanks to everyone going at it 110% in an attempt to make it a fun lightweight diversion.
And Williams can still be funny – for example, at the beginning his young daughter tells him “I'm never going to get married,” to which he replies “Ah, it's not as bad as it looks.”Can Bob win over his family, deliver the killer sales pitch and escape the backwater hicks? I think you already know the answer, whether or not you want to see it played out on a big screen is entirely up to you.

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):
Action ö – Slapstick
Laughs öö – Some
Horror ö – Unless you have a fear of Robin Williams
Babes ööö – JoJo's too young for you!

Overall ö1/2 (Amusing in places but weak overall)

"this could go either way..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

Kidulthood - the 'Hoodies ate my childhood' review

Kidulthood (15)
Dir. Menhaj Huda

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Kids today eh? Fifteen year olds shagging, fighting and doing drugs – and that’s just in the playgrounds… If you’ve already written this off as exploitative nonsense then you’re probably still of the mind that the worst excesses of childhood were depicted on screen by the BBC in Grange Hill… Blood - you’re in desperate need of a dose of Kidulthood…

Welcome to a West London drama that's torn straight out of the pages of the hoodie hating tabloids. Written by Noel Clarke - yes he of Dr Who softy boyfriend of Rose (Billie Piper) fame… Soft he ain’t though bro, he be the top boy, he the man wif da rispect… Oh and a baseball bat and nasty temper… See as well as writing this he also stars as Sam, the hardnut bully bad ass sixth former, the school playground gangsta, the one what is so hard that he’ll nick your GBA off ya, shag your girlfriend bareback and beat you half to death for the privilege…

We join bad boy Sam (Clake actually does a great job with this character, showing his vulnerability only in glimpses which reminded me of Presley Chweneyagae in Tsotsi) as one of his victims is pushed over the edge by one happy slapping too far and takes her own life… Her classmates get a day off compassionate leave but compassion is the last thing on their minds. Think more - sex, drugs, shoplifting, partying and beatings and you’re in the right place!

Menhaj Huda doesn’t flinch from showing the compromised lives of these young pups. Jamie Winston (yeah daughter of sexy beast Ray) is good as the heartless slut of the piece - spouting pick up lines to her classmates like “you can put up my ass, it hurts but I don’t mind” when not sucking off older men for drugs… her parents are nowhere to be found (they’d be so proud too?).
Aml Ameen is also worthy of note as the charismatic but tortured Trife who is torn between his mates funnyman Jay and wannabe respected but it’s going to be tough with his nickname: Moony.

Ever wise Chris Curtis sums it all up like this:
“Young people whose lives have become so small and tribalistic that life-threatening conflicts arise out of minor arguments; where sex is a commodity so common that it can happen in the corner of a bedroom whilst other teenagers sit around playing computer games; and where life is dominated by the need to indulge in every hedonistic excess conceivable. The truth is that this film captures a slice of teenage life that really does exist and which is shaping a generation before our eyes.”

Overall Kidulthood is worth watching, especially if you liked Bullet Boy from a couple of years ago which makes a nice companion piece alongside this.

In an interview Noel said: "Bullying, happy-slapping ...whatever you name it, it is happening already, the film is highlighting that, not promoting it. It's saying, 'This is going on. Deal with it.’” Good point I say!!

Read the DM review of the sequel 'Adulthood' here: The Hoodies Strike Back

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):

Action ööö – Beat dis
Laughs öö – Dark comedy man
Horror öö – Add two stars if you've a teenage son or daughter
Babes ööö – Jailbait all the way

Overall ööö1/2 (Tough and mildly shocking - very watchable)

"Miss Piper... not actually in the film"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Kindred Spirits...

"Got absolutely no idea if she looks anything like this...
but you should seriously consider checking her film review blog - see link below!"

Whilst poking about on IMDB's external review links - Darkmatters being #3 for the new Omen remake at the time - I stumbled across a(nother) very cool film review blog and I'd strongly recommend that you check it out - it appears to be run by a female film nut and her team of crack (head) writers... See what you can do if you have the time, energy and a team of mates backing you up!?

Link:
http://bina007.blogspot.com/


And here's her United 93 review which is so good I'm not going to bother reviewing it myself!?:

http://bina007.blogspot.com/2006/06/my-perverse-reaction-to-united-93.html


Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: Poseidon

Poseidon (12a)
Dir. Wolfgang Petersen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Congratulations – you’re the lucky winner of a trip aboard Poseidon, the largest cruise ship ever built. You’re sure to thrill as a massive ‘rogue wave’ hits, you’ll wince at the hammy acting of the trapped survivors, you’ll probably think to yourself ‘haven’t I seen this all somewhere before?’ and you’ll be right. Yes the current Hollywood craze to remake every single film and TV show ever made is still running out of control and here a new sparkly version of 1972’s The Poseidon Adventure. The plot is the exactly same - a small group of passengers, including ‘loveable rogue gambler’ Dylan Johns (a smug Josh Lucas) and ex Mayor of New York Robert Ramsey (an earnest Kurt Russell) try to escape from the slowly sinking ship. Also on board but owing to their lack of star power and / or ethnic traits – deemed much more expendable are Elena Gonzalez (a plucky Mía Maestro), downtrodden bellhop Valentin (Freddy Rodríguez) and onboard singer Gloria (Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas).
In fact the only ‘guaranteed to make it out alive or I’ll eat my cinema ticket’ are a pair of young lovers namely Jennifer (the gorgeous when wet Emmy Rossum) and her fiancé Christian (dashing but wimpy Mike Vogel).
It’s all very predictable stuff, with each new scene playing out like a level of a computer game… Obstacles include flash fires, impaling, drowning, falling, overtly rubbish acting – yes I’m looking at you Richard Dreyfuss.
Deep moral dilemmas do pop up like – you’re in an inverted lift shaft struggling to climb up with a Mexican waiter holding onto your leg. The lift starts to fall and threatens to kill you both so do you:
a. Callously kick the waiter off ensuring his certain death but giving you a chance to survive?
or
b. Reluctantly kick the waiter off anyway as he’s only a minor character?
The only real reason to go and see Poseidon is to marvel at the special effects of the AAA nautical destruction, which are quite something to behold.
But if it’s disaster that you’ve got a hankering for, I’d strongly recommend you choose United 93 instead. This powerful retelling of the 4th hijacked plane from the 9/11 tragedy is a pure white-knuckle overdose, made all the more horrific by the fact that it actually happened. In comparison Poseidon’s soggy disasters and plastic characters pale considerably.

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):

Action ööö – Wet and wonderful in places
Laughs ö – Few and fare between but it's not a comedy!
Horror öö – Not grim enough really
Babes ööö – Emmy 'wears a mean wet dress' Rossum...

Overall öö1/2 (Goes down well but instantly forgettable)


"not bad in the dry either..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: The Omen 2006

The Omen (15)
Dir. John Moore

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

You must listen to me: I have seen and measured the signs; I know what is to come, yes it is even is amongst us already… 

Hark how it was foretold that a great evil would arise. It will cause people to become mad, it will be a blasphemy upon the land and most of all it will probably make a lot of money thanks to the efforts of some truly dastardly marketing people.

 Yes, I speak of course about The Omen (2006) which spewed forth into cinemas on this Tuesday the sixth of June – 06.06.06 no less.
So those who have understanding – answer me this: What do you get if you cross a jackal, the devil, a big Hollywood budget and a little kid who can’t act? The answer is a flashy but dim remake of the 1976 devil child thriller The Omen.

The new money making excuse / retelling is far more glossy and devilishly slick than the original but also faithful to its source material. This time Liev Schreiber and Julia Stiles do their best as the little Antichrist’s adopted American parents – the Thorns. Director John ‘Behind Enemy Lines’ Moore unsurprisingly ups the loud ‘what’s that goat headed creature in the mirror?’ jump moments whilst ticking off all the main plot points. See little Damien create more chaos in a zoo then even Harry Potter managed, wonder at the ever over used use of red imagery and ponder the meaning of the major world events (9/11, Hurricane Katrina etc) shoehorned in as sure ‘signs’ that the end is coming.

Wicked young Damien is played with a blank lack of emotion throughout by Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick and doesn’t bring any chill to the screen. Brit thespians including David Thewlis, Pete Postlethwaite, and Michael Gambon rally to the cause but are really just fodder to be executed in horrific computer enhanced gory deaths. You’ll wince at the graphic decapitations and lightning rod impalings - if you’re still awake. Mia ‘Rosemary's Baby’ Farrow even pops up as the obligatory devil-worshipping nanny but it’s generally more ho hum than you’d expect.

Actually I heard that the devil has already called his agent demanding a better role in any Damian:Omen 2 remake…

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):

Action ööö – Plodding but there in places
Laughs öö – More unintentional than planned
Horror ööö – The devil should be able to scare ya more than this!

Overall öö1/2 (Not terrible but not terribly good either)


"those satanic rose petals will get you in the end..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

Matt's off for 1/2 term... back 04 June...

"Note to self: Remember this important message"

"Matt and his robot buddy Bender celebrate a week off work"

"Matt's wife took face painting to the next level on holiday..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

Not wild about THE WILD

The Wild (U)
Dir. Steve 'Spaz' Williams

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Je suis koala. Spreken zie koala?” Man, you better hope so if you’re planning an excursion into The Wild this week. That’s because Nigel the koala (voiced by the ever funky Eddie Izzard) is the only reason to venture into this Disney dish of blatant ‘how many tie in cuddly toys can we sell?’ topped off with an unhealthy ‘all you can eat buffet’ of rancid sentimental cheese…
So young lion cub (voiced by Greg Cipes) is accidentally shipped from the New York Zoo to the wilds of Africa… How will this domesticated lion survive when his food isn’t served to him on a plate? Will he find his way home and perhaps most importantly, will his wacky bunch of friends and family including Kiefer Sutherland voicing his dad, James Belushi as an amorous squirrel and the token ‘sensitive’ giraffe manage to raise more than a smile from the stale script?
Stop me if you’re felling some déjà vu here because it does all sound a bit familiar… That’ll be the fact that even though there’s some Lion King left over moments shoehorned in here, this is basically the same storyline, which was done better last year in Madagascar.
You can virtually see the writer’s desperation dripping from the screen – quick we need more wackiness – send in a penguin curling team, now we need some baddies – let’s have William Shatner as a villainous wildebeest who wants to eat a lion? Oh dear, there’s only one person who can save the day…Yes the burden of making any of The Wild watchable ultimately falls not on the first time director who goes by the name Steve 'Spaz' Williams (his words not mine), but on the furry hunched shoulders of Nigel the English koala. Nigel is the star, he deserves a film of his own and his deadpan one liners are so much sharper than anything else on offer that you have to wonder if Eddy Izzard simply adlibbed all of his lines?Yes there are semi amusing moments from a host of throw away ethnic bit part players - Italian alligators, Indian pigeons, Austrian insects and Canadian geese anyone? The younger, less media savvy children out there might be able to look past the slightly creepy ‘can’t see the lips move’ animation style and go home less bored than their parents. But whichever way you look at this film, it’s not going to drive anyone wild!!

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):

Action ö – none to speak of really
Laughs öö – Nigel does his best but it's an uphill struggle
Horror ö – wildebeest aren't acceptable villians
Babes ö – it's wrong to look at giraffes like that!

Overall öö (weak and cuddly - one of these stars is purely for Nigel!!)


"you'll need the newspaper to clear up the 'droppings'...

Read my Madagascar review

Darkmatters: H O M E

Matt takes a BRICK to the face

"it's true - you have to see it!"


"stranger and stranger... this is one very cool mystery"

Brick (15)
Dir. Rian Johnson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Ask any dope rat where the junk's spraying and they'll say they scraped it off that, who scored it off this, who bought it off someone; after four or five connections, the list always ends with the Pin. But I betcha you got every rat in town together and said show your hands if any of 'em actually seen the Pin, we'd get a crowd of full pockets.”

Welcome to the world of BRICK new director on the block Rian Johnson's strange and wonderful fusion of teen angst, neo noir and detective mystery – all wrapped up in an ultra stylish coating of David Lynchian unease.

Emily (Emile de Ravin) is a girl in trouble – too many lovers, too much of a drug problem, in with the wrong crowd – so far so Twin Peaks… So it’s not the biggest surprise when she turns up dead and is found by her brooding ex-boyfriend Brendan (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) outside an iconic drainage tunnel…
From then on Brendan his geeko pal ‘The Brain’ (Matt O'Leary) get to work cracking the Da Vinci deep conspiracy behind her death and cross paths with drug lord ‘The Pin’ (Lukas Haas). Mix this up with Nora Zehetner as a surprisingly believable femme fatale and Noah Fleiss as a heavy with attitude and you have an absolute winner. You have got to love the dialogue, it’s a mix of hard boiled detective speak and pure poetry:

“The sun, whose rays are all ablaze With ever-living glory, Does not deny his majesty He scorns to tell a story. He don't exclaim, "I blush for shame, So kindly be indulgent." But, fierce and bold, In a fiery gold, His glories all effulgent. I mean to rule the earth, As he the sky We really know our worth, The sun and I. Observe his flame, That placid dame, The moon's celestial highness There's not a trace Upon her face Of diffidence or shyness She borrows light That, through the night, Mankind may all acclaim her And, truth to tell, She lights up well, So I, for one, don't blame her. Ah, pray make no mistake, we are not shy we're very wide awake.”

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):

Action öööö – cool, tense and satisfying short bursts
Laughs öö – this ain’t no comedy but has a couple of moments
Horror ööö – some grimness but nothing over the top

Overall ööööö (stunning - one of my ‘films of the year’ for sure)

"In true 'Laura Palmer' fashion... girlfriend dead, let the investigation begin"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Matt Adcock meets the Xmen (well Halle Berry and Hugh Jackman)

"Halle Berry is STORM"


"Hugh Jackman is WOLVERINE"

Matt Adcock meets the XMEN (well Halle Berry and Hugh Jackman)

This week I caught up with two of the coolest, sexiest mutants you’re ever likely to meet - Hugh ‘Wolverine’ Jackman and Halle ‘Storm’ Berry. In London to spread the word on Xmen: The Last Stand, this is what they had to say…

Matt: Xmen: The Last Stand contains a serious amount of action and your characters are right in the middle of most of it. How was the experience this time round?

Hugh: “I love playing Wolverine – it is just the best role ever and when I read this script I thought we had the best of the 3 films so far. The essential idea was fantastic it really cuts to the core of what these movies are about.”

Halle: “I really enjoyed having Storm do more in this film. After making the second movie, I remember the day after it opened being accosted by a group of fans who were angry that Storm had fallen into the background - because in the comic-books she was a revered African goddess, a really major character.”

Matt: You both looked like you were enjoying ripping up the scenery – and facing off against the evil ‘Brotherhood of Mutants’ one of whose new members is Vinnie Jones (who you’ve both worked with before in Swordfish).

Halle: “I know all about him, he’s funny.”

Hugh: “On the Swordfish set he had a wolverine punchbag which he hung by a noose from his trailer but I sort of got my own back on this shoot. When we met, he told me he'd made 27 films since we'd made Swordfish. I said I'd made maybe five. ‘Yeah but you got paid more for one of them than I did for all my 27!' he complained. But he took didn’t miss a chance to rub in the ashes result from the cricket so I don’t feel too bad.”

Matt:Nice, and how was it working with a new director on this episode of the Xmen saga?

Hugh: “Brett (Ratner) is smart, he showed me a page where he'd written all the things he liked about the Xmen films so far and the new story outline and on the back he'd written the three things he wanted to change, they were that he wanted to make it funnier, sexier and more emotional. I'm not going to comment on the sexier, but the other things I think he's achieved."

Halle: “I felt great responsibility about having Storm evolve. And I decided that if I came back to the series, I'd make it my responsibility to have Storm satisfy her following. So that's what I discussed with Brett when he came onboard and he agreed.”

Matt: I heard that you both got to do some pretty amazing stunts too?

Hugh: “Well you know my brother in law actually does a lot of my stunts. So when you see ‘me’ flying through the forest at 80mph – that’s him!”

Halle: “I thought this time was going to be easy peasy but you have know idea how nauseas you can get when you’re spinning at the speed of light. In the scene that I have to ‘spin’ into the air I was being turned so fast that stuff starting flying out! I even had a special bucket!”

And with that rather disturbing mental image I have to go. But I must urge you to check out these two Xmen in the new film and the good news for Xfans is that it looks like Hugh will be donning the Wolverine claws again soon for a spin off film.

Review of Xmen: The Last Stand


"Run damnit! Matt might ask us some more questions..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: XMEN 3 THE LAST STAND

Prepare...

For...
Action!!



Xmen 3: The Last Stand (12a)

Dir. Brett Ratner
Reviewed by Matt Adcock

I know you’re unhappy, I know it’s hard being different and that nobody understands your pain. But now you don’t have to suffer any longer – we can ‘cure’ you…
And so it begins, the Xmen’s Last Stand, humans have developed a ‘cure’ for the mutant condition and the repercussions are going to tear the world apart.
As Professor X (Patrick Stewart) says: “Since the dawn of existence, there have always been moments when the course of history shifted. Such a turning point is upon us now.”
Is this end for the mutants of the world? I can assure you that it gets rough, there are casualties on both sides but will there be victory?
The free thinking leader of the Brotherhood of mutants, Magneto (Ian McKellen ), sees it this way: “Make no mistake, my brothers, they will draw first blood. They will force their cure upon us. There is only one question you must answer: Who will you stand with?”
That’s the crux of Xmen: The Last Stand – whose side will you choose? It is a credit to the filmmakers that a comic book film can tackle deep set issues like alienation, racism and the rights of individuals in such an accessible way, whilst keeping the butt kicking quotient high enough to please action fanatics.
There has been much speculation about this third and possibly final chapter of the superheroic Xmen. Directors have changed (Bryan Singer from Xmen 1 & 2 left to direct Superman Returns), the script has been gone through several major revision and rumours of reshoots have unnerved some fans. Let me tell you now - Xmen: The Last Stand delivers an incredible continuation / finale that stands toe to toe with the first two films. Director Brett ‘Rush Hour’ Ratner has outdone himself, staying true to the look, feel and spirit of the blockbusting series. Aided in no small part by having most of the stellar cast return and pleasing fans with some funky new mutants too (props to Angel, Beast and Shadow Cat). There is so much to savour, the action is bigger in scale, the effects are more eye popping than ever and the plot zips along without pause for breath. We can only hope that an extended directors cut DVD is one day released.
Xmen: The Last Stand is a joyful power packed thrill ride, which will make X-fans everywhere X-tatic!!

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):

Action öööö - heavyweight comic book slamdunk
Laughs öö - a couple of good jokes
Horror öö - nicely handled not too grim for young fans
Babes öööö - those leather outfits are hot

Overall ööö1/2 (the most fun I've had in the cinema so far this year!)


"The Last Stand?"

Links
Matt Adcock meets Storm and Wolverine

Other Xmen 3 posts / artwork
No more Xmen please - I want to check out: Cameron Diaz and other babes

Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: The Da Vinci Code

"is that bad smell me, or the film in general"

The Da Vinci Code (12a)
Dir. Ron Howard

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

I am risking my life here to bring you the truth; a message so shocking that powerful forces are working to prevent it being exposed to the world.
In this last week I have been accosted by monks at King’s Cross, contacted by shadowy organisations and looked at funnily by some of my new work colleagues at the Institute of Leadership and Management – actually that last one might not count…
Anyway I fear that I can’t simply blurt out the message, so instead have tracked down a line from an ancient hidden manuscript which reads: “Brutus quack comic you pompous twit Vinci.” My studies have found that It holds the secret in reverse about this film but can you break the code?*
Anyway – according to Dan ‘sold more books than had hot dinners’ Brown, we are in the middle of a war. One that has been going on forever to protect a secret so powerful that if revealed it would devastate the very foundations of mankind. This fictitious secret unlike the real one I’ve been trying to convey has been causing religious controversy the world over. The thing is – it’s just a story, it’s not real… And if the outburst of unexpected laughter by the audience when they heard the preposterous ‘shock’ announcement at the climax of the film was anything to go by – it looks like this is unlikely to dupe any but the most simple minded of viewers.
Alas director Ron ‘A Beautiful Mind’ Howard has fumbled a potentially explosive experience, turning in almost three hours of mind numbing mumbo jumbo. Tom Hanks is all at sea for once too as icon expert Robert Langdon and even the lovely Audrey Tautou can’t maintain viewing interest. The only people having any fun are Paul Bettany as the nutty ‘hit monk’ assassin Silas and Sir Ian McKellen who goes nicely over the top as the enigmatic Sir Leigh Teabing. In fact you have to wonder if Hank’s hasn’t slipped out of character and is pondering his career when he utters the line: “I'm into something here that I cannot understand.”
Don’t believe the hype - this dose of monk(ey) business just isn’t worth your time or money.

*Help me I can’t break Matt’s code: Take the last letter of each word in the quote – starting with the last word and work backwards to reveal the hidden secret about the film…

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):

Action öö - lumbering and less tense than picking your nails
Laughs ööö - unintentional but tendium relieving
Horror öö - self mutilation is not big or clever kids
Babes ö - move along, nothing to see here

Overall ö1/2 (nearly three hours of my life wasted)

"one of the audience did this to himself to try and stay awake!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Mutants Walk Amongst Us...

"Matt practising his invisibility 'power'"

XMEN: THE LAST STAND

Prepare yourself for the Xmen’s Last Stand, it’s going to get rough, there will be casualties but will there be victory?
Having seen the third part of the X Men’s big screen saga I can report several things:

Some high profile Xmen die.
There’s an almost X sex scene!?
Brett Ratner hasn’t cocked up the series...

Read the review here: Xmen 3 Last Stand

Matt to meet Halle 'Storm' Berry and Hugh 'Wolverine' Jackman!!

Yep, these two Xmen are coming to London this week...

I'll be putting some questions to them and checking out the new film!!

Yes, am excited!


"Halle shows that she's not going commando"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: When A Stranger Calls

"Phoning the Samaritans is more fun!"

When A Stranger Calls (15)
Dir. Simon West

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Alas this was not as I first thought a good-natured warning documentary about the dangers of unannounced cold callers selling cleaning products or wanting to talk to you about the afterlife. Oh no this is a flashy and completely vapid remake of the much better ‘babysitter terrorised by crank calling maniac’ from the ‘70s of the same name.
Simon ‘Tomb Raider’ West directs and I don’t care if he was born just down the road in Letchworth, he proves here once again that he can’t deliver a film really worthy of anyone’s time or the obvious money poured into it.
Now I might be going out on a limb, but if you choose to see a horror film, I don’t think it’s too much ask that it at least tries to be scary and / or a bit grim. When A Stranger Calls fails on both counts – even the immortal line when the police tell the babysitter: "we've just traced the call...its coming from inside the house!" brought a resigned ‘Hhmmpphh’ from the audience rather than any yelps of terror. As for grimness, the Stranger starts out promisingly by having previously torn a babysitter and her charges apart with his bare hands. But when he’s finally used up all his prepaid credit on crank calls and has to turn up and do his menacing in person, he is absolutely pathetic. In fact I kind of felt a bit sorry for him (played by Tommy ‘Sin City’ Flanagan – see now you know his name he’s not even so much of a stranger anyway) as his master plan to add another babysitter to his list of kills is thwarted easily by such a young unarmed teenager. Ah well, at least you can play the semi fun game of ‘which minor character will get killed?’ but even this is painfully obvious – see that bitchy blonde friend with ‘kill me’ on her back? Want to hazard a guess yet?
OK so Camilla ‘Jurassic Park 2’ Belle is cute as the babysitter who attracts the stranger’s twisted attentions but she has very little to do except creep nervously along shadowy corridors, occasionally answer the phone and look worried.
Yes the visuals are reasonably slick but they can’t redeem this terminally boring waste of time. You know kids your parents were right when they told you "Just say ‘no’ to strangers"…

Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):

Action ö - weak and surprisingly dull
Laughs öö - I do find crank calls funny
Horror öö - way below minimum required for a 'horror film'
Babes ööö - Camilla Belle is pretty cute

Overall öö


"Hey, this is the women's showers..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

New Sony VA1 Desktop... It will soon be mine!!

"say what you like about Apple Macs being sexy... I'm still choosing SONY"

My old (well 3year+) Advent PC is starting to play up so the good Lord told that it's time to go out and buy a new home desktop... And look at this little baby that Sony have thoughtfully just brought out... I was SOLD even before reading it was Blu-Ray compatible!

Here's the blurb:
The amazingly versatile Sony VGC-VA1 combines a PC, Hifi, Television and DVD player into one sleek and unique space saving design.
It features a powerful Intel Pentium D 820 2.8GHz processor, 1024MB RAM and a generous 250GB hard drive for all your music and photos. You can also watch and burn DVDs and CDs with the front loading double layer DVD±RW drive.

The 20 inch widescreen LCD display features X-Black screen technology for wonderfully bright and crisp images. You'll have access to all free to air channels via the digital TV tuner and you can record up to 4 hours worth of programmes to DVD. It sounds great too with built-in surround sound speakers and a dynamics woofer.

This digital wonder arrives with a remote control, a wireless keyboard and mouse as well as a comprehensive software package.

Thank you Jesus...

Darkmatters: H O M E

Film Review: Three

"It's more the spear than the look actually"

Three (15)
Dir. Stewart Raffill

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Let's count the reasons to go and see this film..

One,

erm two,

ah, nope there's only two - and they both belong to Kelly Brook!!

Director Stewart 'Mannequin 2: On the Move' Raffill actually does an OK job here in that instead of trying to bother with any real danger, plot or engaging dialogue - he opts for the "wow - just look at Kelly Brook in a bikini will you!!" school of film making... And it's quite effective, topped only by the "oh man, now she's naked!" moments...

That's about it really - you decide if this is what you want to see or not...

Here are some shots of miss Brook to aid you:


"The new paint on ipod proved popular and looked great..."


"Mmmmm she's all there..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

PS3 With New Dual Shock Controller

"Diane... I've seen the future and it's PS3 shaped!"

OK - so I'm over excited... PS3, November, must get a grip...

Sony wise up and stick wireless-ness and motion sensing technology into the Dual Shock (see below) - a good move as it's still the best controller out there!


"Kikizo show it off - look closely at that 'new' controller"


"This is PS3 gaming... yes please!"


"Tiger Woods PS3... he's smiling cos he knows it's the best he's ever looked in game form"


"DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF PLAYSTATION>>>"

Darkmatters: H O M E