Film Review: Chopper

Chopper (18)
Dir. Andrew Dominik

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Before Hulk, Troy and Munich Eric Bana was busy delivering perhaps his best performance to date as Mark Brandon 'Chopper' Read – the Australian celeb crim and all round Oz underworld folk hero / hardman.

Chopper is a brutal, paranoid film that mixes truth and fiction to create a riveting and violent tale about a fascinating character. Read is a born again psychopath unhindered by moral conscience and always a hairs breath away from unleashing severe damage on those around him. As he says “I'm just a bloody normal bloke. A normal bloke who likes a bit of torture.” Can’t really argue with that…

He’s quite self effacing though – at one point he goes on to say “You've probably read all the newspaper stories about me, and you've heard the word on the street about me, and you've probably got a picture in your head of what Chopper Read's like and we're sitting here at this bar all very nice and cosy and I'm a bit of a let down to you.”

The film though is no let down. It’s a bit rough and ready, obviously low budget but it does the job well and director Andrew Dominik has a lot of fun with the material to hand. For example, Chopper by name and… there’s one scene where Read gets his large manhood out in a bar and leaves it on view of his ex girlfriend whilst she tries to have a drink with her new man, but then I guess we’ve all done that from time to time!?

Bana plays Chopper as an engaging villain and has a deft talent for the grotesque behaviour and the dead pan one-liners required. This is as light hearted a glimpse into the seedy underworld of Melbourne as is ever likely to come your way… seek it out on DVD before I come round and blow your friggin brains out for a laugh!!

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (The truth, the half-truth, and nothing like the truth)


"the many faces of Chopper"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: A Very Long Engagement

A Very Long Engagement or Un long dimanche de fiançailles (15)
Dir. Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

French mentalist director Jean-Pierre ‘Alien Resurrection’ Jeunet reunites with his Amelie star Audrey ‘soon to be seen in The Da Vinci Code’ Tatou for a stylish tale of love, hope and horrific wartime inhumanity…

Based on a bestselling novel, it's 1920 and Mathilde (Tatou) a hot young woman who suffers from Polio just can't accept that her beloved fiancé Manech played by Gaspard ‘Brotherhood of the Wolf’ Ulliel was killed in battle.

We journey with her on an odyssey of flashbacks featuring Manech enduring horror and confusion in the muddy trenches of the Somme. His fate is uncertain and the plot thickens as we are introduced to a strange and wonderful selection of people whose lives are intertwined with the two lovers…

From a saucy and highly murderous prostitute (Marion Cotillard) to a woman named Elodie Gordes (Jodie Foster) who goes to desperate measures to bring her husband home from the front line… like sleeping with another man to try and get her number of kids up to 6 – which equals paternity leave!!
The screenwriters have packed in just about every scene and character from the novel which makes it hard work to keep up with what’s going on and who’s doing what to whom and why… My wife freely admitted that she was lost more than once…
It all looks fantastic, the battle sequences are jaw-dropping and a scene involving a zeppelin housed in a makeshift hospital is unbelievable. The only down side to this long engagement is that it is long, very very long and those who dislike subtitled films will struggle.
I really enjoyed it and look forward to what Jeunet rustles up next!

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (top French love and death - beautifully shot)


"beware of foxy hookers carrying concealed shooters!!"


"Mmmmm Audrey Tatou - looking good whatever she wears"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Meg... looking like a monster fun film

Matt's looking forward to Meg in 2007

From the director of "Speed" and "Twister" comes the film adaptation of
Steve Alten's Bestseller about the hunt for an eighty foot long,
100,000 pound Megalodon shark,
the most deadly predator of all time...

Just check out this image below - surfs up!!


"Whoa radical wave dude... Um, who put that cave there?"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: 3-IRON / Bin-jip

3-IRON / Bin-jip (15)
Dir. Ki-Duk Kim

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

You’re reading this review online, I know this for a fact because…

I’m standing behind you…

Try as you might you won’t see me but you might just feel my presence…

I’m a young drifter; I enter strangers' houses - and lives – normally whilst the owners are away. I often spend a night or a day in the house but I do try to repay my unwitting host by doing some laundry or repair a broken household item or two…

I might be in your house now but I’m not alone that’s because my life has changed… I met this beautiful woman in an affluent mansion who was looking to escape her unhappy, abusive marriage (her name might have been Gill, but I’ll never know)…

Don’t worry, I’m not here to steal anything, my ghost-like haunting of these homes have been joined by this wonderful woman, she’s here too by the way…

Sorry about that – got a bit carried away there, but the whole ‘being invisible by moving silently and learning to avoid detection even when kissing someone else’s wife (whilst they are hugging!)’ is a rush to watch…

3-IRON has been described as “pure poetry in film: a visual, aural and atmospheric treat unlike anything you've ever seen, a great existential love affair painted with subtlety (and occasional burst of violence) by one of the greatest masters of world cinema working today.”

The main character in the film doesn't say a word for the entire 90 minutes but manages to convey a fantastic sense of charisma and will have you on-side before long. This Korean love story even won over my wife and she’s not a fan of Korean filmmaking in general.

I’d highly recommend this to all – it even made the exclusive Chris Curtis’ top 10 films of 2005 list – see his review here: http://chriscurtis.typepad.com/weblog/2005/07/3iron_kiduk_kim.html

Darkmatt Rating: ööööö (excellent - a film everyone should experience)


"say cheese"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Happy Birthday Jennifer Garner!!

"34 today... and not looking too bad on it if I may be so bold!?"

After the mixed blessing of Elektra Review Here (looked good, didn't deliver on the potential),
next up is Catch and Release billed as 'A woman struggles to accept the death of her husband and the secrets he kept from her as she rebuilds her life'... Sounds interesting...

Then she'll be voicing Susy in the animated big screen outing of Charlotte's Web.

She's a hottie alright!!

Other hot photos of Jennifer Garner

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Scary Movie 4

Scary Movie 4 (15)
Dir. David Zucker

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Attention: People with decent senses of humour are advised that this film contains scenes that may cause them undue distress. It’s not big or clever or even especially funny but then if it were anything other than a mildly amusing hodgepodge of sci fi and horror film parodies it wouldn’t be a ‘Scary Movie’.
Scary Movie 4, billed as ‘The fourth and final chapter of the trilogy’, is certainly a mixed bag of laughs. Lots of films get ‘made over’ here but you really need to have seen the originals to have any chance of enjoying the take offs. So here’s a quick check list so you can rate your compatibility with the jokes of Scary Movie 4, have you seen: War of the Worlds, The Grudge, The Village, Saw and / or Saw II, and Million Dollar Baby? If not then this might not be the film for you...
Entry number 4 is pure Friday night entertainment for those who don’t want to have to think too much and like the thought of seeing slightly funnier retreads of films – with added people hurting themselves to comic effect.
What can you expect? Well, you’ll cringe at the Brokeback Mountain scene, you’ll smile at Leslie Nielsen's clueless Fahrenheit 9/11 Bush-like President hearing about an alien invasion whilst trying to listen to a children’s story about a duck and laugh out loud as a Tom Cruise alike (Craig Bierko) punches a passable Oprah imitator (Debra Wilson) in the face because “he’s so in love!”– at least I did, does that make me a bad person?
David ‘Airplane!’ Zucker directs a host of cameos by people like basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal or the sexy Carmen Electra who said in the promotional blurb that she was happy with her toilet humour role because “at least I don't die in this one”. Others are here surely simply collecting their pay cheques like James Earl Jones, Bill Pullman and Michael Madsen.
One thing of note is that the production values and special effects are unusually high for such a disposable film. You may never look at your Tr- ‘ipod’ the same way again... So, whilst it’s kind of fun in a very stupid way, it’s not very scary but I’m guessing that “Mildly Amusing Movie” isn’t really a very marketable alternative title?

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (dumb but fun)


"Tom geared up for a sucker punch on Oprah..."

Darkmatters: H O ME

Darkmatters - not writing itself !?

Been having a recurring 'epiphany' or 'disambiguation'...

My novel is not actually going to write itself.

And thus in the next week I am going to complete the 'storyboarding' of the plot - which in turn will aid in the completion of the unedited manuscript.

More on this soon... Think 'film rights' and 'book deals' - it's going to happen!!

Darkmatters: H O ME

Sci - Fi - London 5

"There's only one place in the UK to see FFVII on the big screen this month..."

Sci - Fi - London 5

Last year's Sci-Fi-London was a great blast of mixed sci-fi goodness and 2006's offerings look every bit as good!!

UK Big Screen Premier's of FINAL FANTASY VII: ADVENT CHILDREN
and
KARAS: THE PROPHECY are of particular interest and I'll be "negotiating" with my lovely sexy super wife about her 'letting me' attend the Manga 'all nighter' on the 29th April...

Also thinking about checking out AINOA which has blurb that reads:
"A female android, Ainoa, developed to maintain the balance of power, starts 'the great nuclear war'.
Members of a resistance group believe in a prophecy that 'one' among them will find Ainoa and reprogramme her so she can send a message to her creator – telling of the global devastation the war has brought. It is said Ainoa knows how to find the Oracle, who will allow her to send a message into the past..."

or of course there's Takashi Miike's THE GOBLIN WARS to consider...

Click the link below to find out more and book you tickets!!


Go on - you know you want to...http://www.sci-fi-london.com/2006web/tickets.htm

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Ice Age 2 The Meltdown

Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (U)
Dir. Carlos Saldanha

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

It’s an age-old tale (approximately 2million years at least) but it’s a good one… Boy mammoth meets girl mammoth, girl mammoth thinks she’s a possum, he tells her that she has “a big butt”. She’s shy but likes the attention and tells him “you’re just saying that!” “No,” he continues, “it really is huge!” which amazingly helps win her heart. I don’t actually recommend any non-mammoths trying that line as it certainly didn’t work on my Mrs (mainly because my wife’s behind is a lovely pert work of art of course), but hey…
If like me you saw and enjoyed the first Ice Age (movie - not time period) then you should certainly check out this new offering. The tribe are all back for the continuing adventures of Manny the mammoth (Ray Romano), Sid the sloth (John Leguizamo) and Diego the sabre-toothed tiger (Denis Leary). Plus this time they get joined by some fun new faces – female mammoth Ellie (Queen Latifah) - the potential answer to Manny’s extinction issues and a couple of insane little possums named Crash (Seann William Scott) and Eddie (Josh Peck). Other notable new additions include two nasty marine monsters who fancy making our mammal heroes their lunch and a hoard of singing vultures, equally keen on picking their bones. Whilst the subject matters of extinction, death and impending doom aren’t necessarily the first ones that come to mind when looking for a cartoon comedy, Ice Age2: The Meltdown really delivers the goods on all counts – it’s fun enough for the kids, it’s engaging enough for parents and it’s even romantic enough to make it a harmless date movie…
You see things are heating up, the Ice Age may be over and global warming is about to seriously intervene in the lives of the creatures living in their peaceful valley. Will the extended tribe survive the threat of a watery wall of destruction? Can Manny and Ellie find true love and prevent the mammoths from dying out just yet? And perhaps most importantly of all – will the scene stealing, acorn hunting rodent Scrat – the funniest critter from the first film, ever break free of his Sisyphean challenge to finally secure his beloved nut?
There’s only one way to find out and this Easter is the perfect time to do it.

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (cool CGI - literally)


Click here to read interview with Scrat :Ice Age 2: The Meltdown - Scrat speaks out

Darkmatters: H O ME

Matt Adcock meets Ant and Dec

Matt Adcock meets Ant and Dec

Hey guys I’m ‘ready to rumble, when you are’ – was how I thought about starting this Q&A but actually the cheeky Geordie duo are here to discuss aliens, big screen acting and the new world cup song…

So, in the film, Ant and Dec play best friends Ray Santilli and Gary Shoefield, UFO enthusiasts who 10 years ago convinced the world that they had film of a real life alien autopsy.

Matt: "You’ve met a lot of celebrities in your TV presenting roles, so um, have you ever suspected that any of them were actually aliens in disguise?"

A&D: Laughing… then “No, not actually aliens but often when we were CD:UK there would be weird bands with dark glasses on indoors… You can never be sure I guess?”

Ant: “Obviously there's some kind of life elsewhere though. I don't know whether it would look like anything we recognise but I do believe in aliens.”

Dec: “You know it’s naive to think that we're the only intelligent life source,” giggles… “well relatively intelligent”.


Matt: “Now that you’re movie stars, you’ve even been ‘altered’ on the poster…”

Dec: “Yeah, that was the most exciting bit about the whole thing! I’ve never been airbrushed before and I want it to happen again!”

Ant: “Those guys on the poster certainly have better tans than we do!”


Matt: “While I’m here canI just ask what you think of Embrace doing the 2006 England World Cup Song?”

Dec: “I think the World Cup song this time is a bit of a poison chalice really, because they’ve got such a tough act to follow after the last one. Who were those two fellas? It is an honour to be asked to do the World Cup song and I’m sure they’ll do a great job, but you don’t’ get any free tickets or anything!
I’d actually like to see a return to when the squad sang the record like they used to. You could have Rio [Ferdinand] do a little bit of a rap, Wayne Rooney doing a falsetto bit in the chorus. David Beckham doing the harmonies… imagine that.”

Matt: “Back to the film – the original Ray and Gary claim that the film was based on a ‘genuine piece of footage’. Do you believe that it’s real?”

Ant: Well we had to believe it really in order to film it. Dec was playing Ray and every time I’ve met Ray and Gary they’ve both insisted that the original footage they based their remake on is still there.


Matt: “How was working with Harry Dean Stanton?”

Dec: Meeting Harry for the first time was a bit nerve-wracking really because he is this legend. We were very aware of who he was and I’m not sure that was reciprocated. In fact, I’m still not sure whether he knows who we are. He’s a grumpy old sod, but with a heart of gold. He took us out on our last night after filming for a drink in downtown LA. We ended up in one of his hardcore drinking holes, it was kind of like being in an episode of The Sopranos or something - Italian men with big moustaches and ill-fitting suits, a homicide detective from the LAPD, Harry Dean Stanton and some guy who runs an illegal printing den down the road. I turned to Ant and said: ‘I’ll level with you, I’m really scared! I think we’re out of our depth.’”


Matt: “And how was the love scene with Nicole Hiltz?”

Dec: “It was in the set we used for Harvey’s house in LA, and it was Nicole’s (the actress) last day and Johnny the director said, ‘Last thing, we need the sound effects for the sex scene.’ I was like, ‘What?’ I’d forgotten about that.
After the first few ‘Arghhrrrr!’s and ‘Oooh!’s we just started laughing and I said, ‘I’m sorry, I just can’t do this!’ But eventually, after many takes, we got going and we did it! Then we walked out the set and all the crew were outside with their headphones on clapping!”


Matt: “Finally how do you think your legions of fans will respond to you big screen debut?”

Ant: “I just hope they go and see it“ - laughs. “But it’s a very valid question because we’re on TV every Saturday night for most weeks of the year and we’re now asking people to get off the sofa and pay money to come and see us.”

Dec: “I think they’ll enjoy the story because that’s what appealed to us – what these two guys did. Their relationship and the hoax element of it is kind of in the same vein as what we do with the hidden camera stuff on Saturday Night Takeaway.”

Matt's Review Alien Autopsy

Darkmatters: H O ME

Football / Women - definitive guide to Premiership

With apologies in advance for the female Darkmatter readers...

Top man SI (who does not blog alas) sent me this very useful guide to the English Football Premiership... As a Tottenham fan I couldn't agree more with the mighty Spurs being likened to the 'oh so lovely' Miss Knightley!

Hey Matt L, Tom, - all you other Arsenal fans out there - what's the French for "rough old slapper?"


Spurs - Keira Knightley:
Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that
two little ones up front needn't be an drawback.


Portsmouth - Girls Aloud:
Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.


Chelsea - Rachel Stevens:
You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

Other teams...

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson:
Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of
people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall:
Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona:
Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted -
now disappear from where you came, please.

Everton - Dannii Minogue:
The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when
it was they were supposed to be any good?

Fulham - Charlotte Church:
Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the
Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Arsenal - Jordan:
Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign
implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh:
Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a
lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido:
Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great
but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Bolton - Clare Balding:
You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth

Manchester United - Catherine Zeta Jones
Used to look great until they were shafted by an old fat American with too
much money

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Casshern

"The latest in facial armour... not great for easy eating though"

Casshern (15)
Dir. Kazuaki Kiriya

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Watching Casshern put me in mind of these lyrics from Embrace...

…the other side is out of reach,

its nothing you can change

and everything won't work out in the end,

you'll realise the world is not your friend,

there's nothing that you've broken you can mend…

Embrace ‘This New Day’

Earth – the near future… Thanks to another dodgy piece of Bush style ‘world policy’ we humans have managed to turn most of the globe into a wretched war zone. Then to make matters worse we inadvertently create a new race of Neoroids who enslave us using an army of rebellious super-robots originally designed to help civilization avert a complete ecological cataclysm.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before… Anyway, mankind's only hope is Casshern, a legendary hero who wages a solitary battle to defeat these Neoroids and restore the Earth to its rightful order. Ironically, Casshern's father is the same scientist who engineered the race of super androids now threatening to destroy all of mankind. On a crusade to clear the name of his father, Casshern must sacrifice his own humanity in order to attain the powers he needs to defeat mankind's powerful enemies. But Casshern’s power does not come without a price. Haunted by the memories of his murdered mother and forced to deal with a super robot that has absorbed, and now manipulates, the consciousness of his father, Casshern must put aside his own emotions and fight to preserve the survival of the human race.
This is a serious contender to be remade by the Wachowski brothers – killer robots in a blade runner like war torn future world. A hero who is ‘the one’ in an advanced suit of body armour. An extraordinary tale of science fantasy and social relevance which is pretty hard to describe? Yes Casshern might be the story of man's best laid plans paving the way to potential destruction but it tries to moralise about the horror war when I was just hoping for more of the superheroic action…Visually sumptuous and worthy of your time – this is a ‘near miss’ which could have been fantastic in a more capable directors hands.

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (cool visuals, some tasty action but bit muddled overall)


"getting the girl, killing the baddies and saving the entire planet - Casshern"


"Super robot gets a 'splitting headache' thanks to Casshern's attack"

H O ME

What's Your Seduction Style?

"Actually Miss Suvari was just asking after you the other day... TOM!"

It's academic now... because obviously I'm not ever going to be trying to seduce anyone except my gorgeous Mrs A - but this is one of those stupid 'blog tests' that might help you find out something about yourself... or not...

Anyway - here's what it said about me, scarily accurate huh?

Your Seduction Style: The Charismatic

You're beyond seductive, you're downright magnetic! You life live and approach seduction on a grand scale. You have an inner self confidence and energy that most people lack It's these talents that make you seem extraordinary - and you truly are!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Form an orderly queue... Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Heathers

Heathers (18)
Dir. Michael Lehmann

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

1988… I was 17… Living in Herne Bay in Kent, where very little ever happens… as a result films were still forming a large part of my world view… sure I had a girl (she was unbelievably hot, slightly unstable, and everyone wanted her but she left me for a richer bloke – after I ‘inadvertently’ cheated on her with some other young hottie on a church youth group boating holiday – they are the worst kind I swear)… I guess you live and learn but anyway, my nights were filled with almost legal beer drinking with top pals Mike, Dave and John, my days, bunking off 6th Form to watch videos, evenings going to the cinema to see stuff like HEATHERS starring Winona Ryder & Christian Slater, and this was number 2 in my ‘films of the year’ (of course DIE HARD was number one in ’88)…

So it was an absolute pleasure to revisit this movie on DVD, I was slightly dreading the whole ‘Oh its just not as good as it was back then’ feeling that can oft times be the case when you haven’t seen something for a long time but Heathers is a work of such quality, deliciously dark comedy and altogether joyful explosive teen angst that I needn’t have feared.

Heathers is Christian Slater’s second best film ever (True Romance being his finest work) the character of J.D. is one part James Dean, half Jack Nicholson and topped up with emotionally scarred youth who the Matrix wardrobe team have to thank for the whole ‘cool black trenchcoat’ look. His world view is that the best way to improve things in school / society is to eliminate the assholes - it’s refreshing to see such disturbing psychotic ideas being played out for laughs in this homicidal comedy overload which set the agenda for ‘cool’ teen films ever after.

I leave you with the words of ‘Father Ripper’ the vicar who presides over the many teen funerals in the film: “We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book…”

Darkmatt Rating: ööööö (maximum dark teen fun)


"Councilman Val Templeton from Carnivale... was once Father Ripper"


"Iconic pose, iconic actors... for 1988 at least!"

Darkmatters: H O ME

DOA: Dead or Alive movie... babetastic

"the girls of DOA didn't mess about when dealing with unwanted advances from samurai"

DOA: Dead or Alive

The movie adaptation of the best selling 'hot females kick the living daylights out of everyone' video game series Dead or Alive has a release date for the UK of 01 September.

The movie centers mostly on the female fighters in a brutal competition (to the death) which takes place on an exotic island, somewhere near Luton I think...

'Talent' signed up so far includes - ex popstress Holly Valance, Jaime 'My Name is Earl' Pressly, Sin City's own Devon Aoki and Elektra's Natassia Malthe. Let's just hope it's better than the awful Streetfighter movie which had Kylie in it!!

Read my review here: Review DOA


"Holly Valance tries out a mean snarl in preparation to be Christie Allen in DOA"


"Devon Aoki: so cute but so deadly..."

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Basic Instinct 2 - Risk Addiction

"legs opening now - all across London - you have been warned!"

Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction (18)
Dir. Michael Caton-Jones

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Ooh, that’s nice, I like that… I can tell you’re liking it too, admit it, you like to watch don’t you? Actually NO!! Sometimes you just have to be frank, there’s really no way other way of saying this… If you go to see Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, you’re mugging yourself and signing up to see possibly the worst film you’ll ever have the misfortune to witness. There will probably soon be self help groups set up to support people traumatised by going to see it, cinemas could well be handing out leaflets entitled “so you’ve been to see Basic Instinct 2… We’re so sorry but thanks for the cash…suckers”, it really is that bad.
Look, don’t get me wrong, I like a saucy thriller as much as the next Christian film critic (in fact probably quite a lot more than many). I enjoyed the first Basic Instinct a lot - it had a cool sleazy style, a fun ‘did she do it’ plotline and it really delivered in those scenes where it needed to… if you get my drift. Part 2 does nothing of the sort, it’s not thrilling, it’s not exciting and it hasn’t got anything even approaching ‘erotic’ going on – which is surely the only reason anyone would be tempted?
What’s it all about then? Well Sharon ‘no knickers’ Stone returns in her role of the fairly well preserved naughty novelist Catherine Tramell. This time the ‘action’ – and I use the word under advice from my lawyers – takes place in a strangely drab looking London. Psychiatrist Michael Glass (a hapless David Morrissey) falls for her when diagnosing that she suffers from ‘Risk Addiction’. The evidence for this being that she crashed her sports car into the Thames at over 100mph whilst being pleasured by ex footballer Stan Collymore… as you do. Things go downhill from there really, to the point where every scene is unintentionally funny and nobody escapes with any credit from this shambolic stumbling zombie of a sequel.
The good news is that you don’t have to go and see it, in fact if you actually want to have some fun in the cinema this week – I’d check out Alien Autopsy featuring those cheeky rascals Ant and Dec. They have cunningly made the perfect Friday night cinematic treat for conspiracy theory freaks, comedy lovers and sci fi nuts everywhere.

Darkmatt Rating: ö (self harming is more fun...)


"mirror mirror on the wall, where did I put my knickers?"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Alien Autopsy

Alien Autopsy (12a)
Dir. Jonny Campbell

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

The truth might be out there, but believe me you can’t be sure… trust no one…
In fact let me tell you a tale… Back it was, sometime about July 1947, seems like those darned yanks got a bit flustered over an Unidentified Flying Object that crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico. The cover story put out was that a weather balloon had come down, but if that was true – how come there were persistent rumours about an ‘autopsy’ carried out on ‘alien life forms’ carried away from the scene. When eye witnesses came forward and swore they had seen strange life forms being carried away on stretchers by US servicemen, the rumours fermented, becoming embedded in American folk lore and fuelling an industry which Roswell capitalises on to this day. The truth has never been determined, that is until 1995, which is where the story for this film begins.
Enter the picture Ant and Dec, loveable cheeky young kings of Brit TV – here they are Ray Santilli (Declan Donolly) and Gary Shoefield (Anthony McPartlin) - the 2 main players of the whole 1995 ‘Alien Autopsy Fake Film’ phenomenon. But could it possibly have been based in fact? Cue up Harvey (Harry Dean Stanton) a retired military cameraman whose story goes that one night in 1947, he was hauled out of bed and driven to a military base. No questions asked, no explanation given, he was ordered to film the scene before him, an autopsy on an unidentified being. Eight prints were made of the film. Four of them and the original were sent to Washington, three went to the Air Force Intelligence. Harvey was left in charge of the final print with instructions that it would be collected. A week later the Air Force split from the Army and lost its jurisdiction to the newly formed CIA; contact numbers changed and Harvey was forgotten about. Needless to say no one ever returned to collect the final print.
Ray buys the print from Harvey using $30,000 ‘borrowed’ from dodgy mental drug dealer Laszlo Voros (played by Gotz Otto). Armed with the footage Ray sets off to change the world, but the film has started to eat itself and now the genuine footage of an alien autopsy is gone. With no way to pay back the cash, Ray hatches a mad plan - assemble a crack team - Preston the butcher (Andrew Greenough), Edgar the under-taker (Lee Oakes), Maurice the mannequin manufacturer (John Cater) and wanna-be film maker Melik the kebab shop owner (Omid Dalili) and his girlfriend Jasmine (Morwenna Banks)– to re-make the alien autopsy, scene for scene, prop for prop, alien for alien. Using Rays’ sisters sitting room as a make-shift studio. Sausages stand in as intestines, haggis for brains and Edgar for President Truman… What could go wrong?

But is it any good?
In a word ‘yes’ – Alien Autopsy is packed with genuinely good-natured mirth. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll… never look at sausages in quite the same way again. The quality cast go about the daftness like their lives depend on it and it pays off big time!
Nichole Hiltz pops up as a babe of the piece, Jimmy Carr does a nice little cameo and Bill Pullman adds some Hollywood credentials along with the awesome Harry Dean Stanton.
This is possibly the perfect Friday night cinematic treat for sci fi lovers everywhere, I urge you to get in touch with your inner nerdy UFO spotter and seek the truth at your local cinema… They come in peace, I think Neil Smith over at the BBC called this one wrong, you won’t regret going AA.

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (Daft encounters of a sublime kind)

Dissect an alien for yourself (or bowl brains in a ten pin bowling game, watch the trailer and more) at the film’s excellent website: http://alienautopsy.frankiandjonny.com/


"Nicole Hiltz... hot STUFF - in Stuff magazine but also in Alien Autopsy!"

Read my interview with A&D here: Matt Adcock meets Ant and Dec

Darkmatters: H O ME

Watchmen... back in the frame thanks to WB

"dry your eyes... Warner Bros might be about to save the day"

Watchmen… update

Ain't It Cool News are reporting that Zack ‘Dawn of the Dead remake ‘ Snyder, who’s currently directing ’300’, is in talks with Warner Bros. to take up the Watchmen movie project. Please God let it be so… Even though both Darren Aronofsky and Paul Greengrass have been previously attached to direct – I think Snyder with a decent cast and big budget could bring this off nicely…

What’s what with the Watchmen (a brief synopsis for peasants who have not read Alan Moore’s graphic novel masterpiece):

Beginning with the paranoid delusions of a half-insane “hero” called Rorschach… Is there a plot to murder super-heroes and, beyond them, millions of innocent civilians? On the run from the law, Rorschach reunites with his former teammates in a desperate attempt to save the world and their lives, but what they uncover will shock them to their very core and change the face of the planet! Following two generations of masked superheroes from the close of World War II to the icy shadow of the Cold War comes this groundbreaking comic story — the story of The Watchmen...
Def Con 1 baby...

Who Watches The Watchmen?

Darkmatters: H O ME

Must See Film Sites

Darkmatters fan Rachel Stevens* was asking me the other day "which other film sites should I check out..."

I said to her "There's a lot of crap out there in the WWW, but thankfully also some top places to stock up on film related goodness - here's some that you may or may not have stumbled across yet..."

Here they are to check at your leisure (Rachel - click the names to visit them):

FILMSTALKER

Perhaps the best 'new' film site around, well written and frequently updated, The Editor might be Scottish but he seems a really cool guy so let's not hold that against him eh?

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (very promising... check it every day!)

FILMGEEKS

Darrell and Wendy run this fun film blog from Virginia - they both have decent tastes in films and are cherry pick cool things like a mocked up trailer for Spiderman 3 on their blog... so go and check it out (they also link Darkmatters so must have above average WWW taste too).

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (not always updated but worth stopping by)

HITCH MAGAZINE HITCH: The Journal of Pop Culture Absurdity is a magazine from Oklahoma City, and it stocks up on nice stuff like movie reviews, books and the odd babe or two...

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (read it, then impress your friends with all the useless stuff you've found out...)

Darkmatters: H O ME

*not that Rachel Stevens alas...

Matt geeks out with Napoleon Dynamite

"Nerdalicious... the awesome Mr Napoleon Dynamite"

Napoleon Dynamite (PG)
Dir. Jared Hess

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

There’s geek in my head, he’s doing his thing, he looks a bit odd and he’s not conforming to a goddamn thing… Gosh, outside Alphaville play their 80’s pop but I’m grooving to The Promise by When in Rome… There’s that puppy fat and shy but still kind of adorable Deb, she’s waiting for me to make her day, but gosh, I’m just thinking about my skills… Funky Uncle Rico has a scheme, my nerdtastic brother Kip is buying it when not cyber chatting to his 'soul mate' but me, I’m practicing my, like, nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... I'm telling you that girls only want boyfriends who have great skills…
Want to see a drawing I did? Scroll on down... Cos I’m like the best person I know at drawing creatures and stuff.Well, gosh, gotta go, come over anytime – you can play me at swingball…

As Adrian Hennigan over at the BBC says: "Jon Heder shines as the titular loser who actually thinks he's too cool for school; you'll be rooting for him throughout his close encounters of the nerd kind."

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (more quality geek for your dollar than you might expect)

"check my artistry skills dudes... pretty sweet huh?"

Darkmatters: H O ME