"is that bad smell me, or the film in general"
The Da Vinci Code (12a)
Dir. Ron Howard
Reviewed by Matt Adcock
I am risking my life here to bring you the truth; a message so shocking that powerful forces are working to prevent it being exposed to the world.
In this last week I have been accosted by monks at King’s Cross, contacted by shadowy organisations and looked at funnily by some of my new work colleagues at the Institute of Leadership and Management – actually that last one might not count…
Anyway I fear that I can’t simply blurt out the message, so instead have tracked down a line from an ancient hidden manuscript which reads: “Brutus quack comic you pompous twit Vinci.” My studies have found that It holds the secret in reverse about this film but can you break the code?*
Anyway – according to Dan ‘sold more books than had hot dinners’ Brown, we are in the middle of a war. One that has been going on forever to protect a secret so powerful that if revealed it would devastate the very foundations of mankind. This fictitious secret unlike the real one I’ve been trying to convey has been causing religious controversy the world over. The thing is – it’s just a story, it’s not real… And if the outburst of unexpected laughter by the audience when they heard the preposterous ‘shock’ announcement at the climax of the film was anything to go by – it looks like this is unlikely to dupe any but the most simple minded of viewers.
Alas director Ron ‘A Beautiful Mind’ Howard has fumbled a potentially explosive experience, turning in almost three hours of mind numbing mumbo jumbo. Tom Hanks is all at sea for once too as icon expert Robert Langdon and even the lovely Audrey Tautou can’t maintain viewing interest. The only people having any fun are Paul Bettany as the nutty ‘hit monk’ assassin Silas and Sir Ian McKellen who goes nicely over the top as the enigmatic Sir Leigh Teabing. In fact you have to wonder if Hank’s hasn’t slipped out of character and is pondering his career when he utters the line: “I'm into something here that I cannot understand.”
Don’t believe the hype - this dose of monk(ey) business just isn’t worth your time or money.
*Help me I can’t break Matt’s code: Take the last letter of each word in the quote – starting with the last word and work backwards to reveal the hidden secret about the film…
Darkmatters rating system (out of 5):
Action öö - lumbering and less tense than picking your nails
Laughs ööö - unintentional but tendium relieving
Horror öö - self mutilation is not big or clever kids
Babes ö - move along, nothing to see here
Overall ö1/2 (nearly three hours of my life wasted)
"one of the audience did this to himself to try and stay awake!"
Darkmatters: H O M E