DARKMATTERS - The Mind of Matt

You met me at a very strange time in my life...

Read my novel: Complete Darkness

Listen to the PODCAST I co-host: Hosts in the Shell

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Hitman - Darkmatters Competition Winners

So it's been over a month and the entries are in...

Here are top 'fantasy hits' submitted - names taken off to protect the innocent - some of you have won so check your emails / watch the post for Hitman branded goodies coming your way!! What can I say except that you're sick bunch... but I love ya!!

The 'Best' HIT
I'd have Noel Edmonds as my fantasy hit, chopped up and stuffed into those 15 red boxes.
Deal he he...

The 'Tasty' HIT
I’d take out Gordon Ramsey with exploding tomatoes. I’d kidnap one of the chefs appearing on “Ramsey’s kitchen nightmares” and leave a resignation letter that I get the chef to sign saying something like “I find it impossible to work with that man Ramsey…etc.”, then present myself that day as a chef (with forged references - they’ll be so desperate to take me on that they won’t check them). I prepare a salad and slip in some of the explosive tomatoes that I’ve had specially made. I do the presentation of the salad so badly that Ramsey shouts and screams and takes over saying “this is how you present a f******* salad”. I then take a few steps back and detonate the tomatoes by remote control. In all the ensuing chaos I flee…Job done.

The 'Can relate to' HIT
I would like to fantasy hit the person who was in front of me at tesco on christmas eve and had the last turkey

The 'Savage' HIT
I would assassinate Louis Walsh by method of strangling him with my barehands! (while playing Same Difference in earphones on his head). Can you tell Im a sad x factor fan?

The 'Might actually happen' HIT
My mum's boyfriend - he dresses in womens clothing (no joke!) and is a sex addict!!!!! How would I accomplish it - I would electrocute his caravan!

The 'Been watching SAW films too much?' HIT
I would take out Pete Doherty I would do this by locking him in a David Blaine style box hung above the River Thames and watching him detox and die infront of the world. To make it even better I would have another box next to him that was full of drugs that he couldn't get to.

The 'Might not need to bother' HIT
I'd have Britney Spears taken out for crimes against fashion. The fashion police will arrest her andsentence her to to a lifetime with a good stylist or death.

The 'Why bother?' HIT
Ok, I’d kill Gareth Gates by convincing him to bungee off the top of a tall building with a cut rope so it breaks!

The 'Overly detailed' HIT
Denis Norden, how it would happen – Filming the 100th “it’ll Be Alright On The Night” and it will go out with a bang, He will be dropping in all his cheesy one liners and his not-so funny jokes, he’ll be in front of the blue/green screens with random images going past, and sand bags all above him. I have two options, 1. cut the ropes that hold up the sandbags, or 2. break his neck and become… Denis Norden for the night… Which I would HATE! So its back to option 1, it would be a busy studio and they would be filming like there’s no tomorrow, I would be disguised as a props man and would have already broken his neck and buried him in the “trash”, I would now be right next to the sand bags and have found a Stanley knife lying on the side, I would pick it up and when he was in position I would slowly start to cut the rope, the bag would fall and crush his neck. As this happened I would walk away casually while everyone else was in a panic rushing towards a flimsy Denis Norden, escaping back to reality...

Look out for the Darkmatters JUNO competition launching this week!

Darkmatters: H O M E

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