Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 'it's good to have Indy back' review

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (12a)

Dir. Steven Spielberg

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Legend says that a crystal skull was stolen from a mythical lost city in the Amazon, supposedly built out of solid gold, guarded by the living dead. It also says that whoever returns the skull to the city temple will be given control over its mind bending power. With a crack team of nasty Russians hot on the trail of the skull, there’s obviously only one person you want on your team if you’re going to try and save the day…
Step forward iconic archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones – okay so it may have been almost two decades since he last saw action but Indy is still the man for a job like this.
I love the original Indiana Jones trilogy passionately, in fact Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of my all time favourite movies, so it was with high anticipation that I watched the Crystal Skull. I wasn’t alone either as the two pals I went with had both dressed up as Indy complete with bull whips and hats!?

And the verdict…

Well, if you’re an Indiana Jones or any sort of action movie fan, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will put a big smile on your face. Harrison Ford is absolutely great, it’s like he never went away. I’m also pleased to report that all the classic ‘Indy’ elements are present and correct – impossible odds, booby-trapped temples, gunfights, fistfights, daring do and high action chases. Stephen Spielberg and George ‘sorry about the Phantom Menace’ Lucas reunite with their aging leading man to deliver a solid new entry in the series. Crystal Skull a cracking adventure and brings back some welcome faces and references from the past films, whilst also introducing some new key characters to the team such as Mutt Williams (Shia ‘Transformers’ LaBeouf).

I was keen to get the thoughts of my Indy impersonating mates Mike and Jason (whose favourite film of all time is still Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom). Reaction was mixed however with Mike being pleased with the new Indy entry whereas Jason was left “lukewarm”. For my part I really enjoyed Crystal Skull and whilst it isn’t perhaps quite as classic as the originals, it still stands head, shoulders and battered Fedora above rivals such as The Mummy or Tomb Raider flicks.

I’d even be keen to see Jones return once more – maybe ‘Indiana Jones and the Bus Pass of Oblivion’?


"in style..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
+ Nicely packed with references and pleasing plot elements

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ Nobody does it quite like Indy and he's still got it

Gratuitous Babeness: öööö (4)
- Not really into 'older women'

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)
- Over high expectations can make it seem weaker than it is

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
+ Cracks some class funnies!!

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
+ Indy is the man!!

Liable to make you:
"take up archaeology (again)!"

DM Poster Quote:
“Dr Jones will see you now..."

Charlie Bartlett - the 'Kat Dennings is lovely' review

Charlie Bartlett (15)

Dir. Jon Poll

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

The rapturous crowd are calling for me, I step into the spotlight and the anticipation is palpable. An expectant hush falls so I deliver my maxim: ‘Hi, my name is Charlie Bartlett and if there's one thing I want you to remember tonight, it's that you are not alone.’
Charlie Bartlett (Anton ‘this kid is going to be a major star’ Yelchin) might only be 17 but he’s wise beyond his years in such a cool way that can only really happen in movies (see Rushmore or Heathers for more proof of this).
So rich kid Charlie has been expelled from every private school in the State – not through failing grades but due to his somewhat ‘less than legal’ side ventures such as manufacturing and selling quality fake Ids for his fellow students. Now he faces a tougher challenge in having to fit in with the distinctly less privileged kids of Western Summit High – a lesson that hits home hard on his first day as he is happy slapped and dunked in the toilet by school bully Murphey (Tyler Hilton).
But Charlie is a resourceful chap and before you can say ‘useful plot device’ he has not just won over Murphey (by cutting him in on his selling prescription drugs to classmates racket) but also captured the heart of the Principal’s daughter (the awesome and rather lovely Kat Dennings). What follows is a riot of superb teen antics, laced with real emotion and held together with an irrepressibly fun script. Robert ‘Iron Man’ Downey Jr. is excellent as Charlie’s nemesis Principal Gardner and although ‘High School angst’ is a well-trodden cinematic path, Charlie Bartlett manages to be hip, savvy and altogether better than you might expect.
Director Jon Poll shows that he’s at home directing (after earning his shot by editing films such as Meet the Parents and Austin Powers). But with his straight talking / from the heart student consultation service (backed up by the prescription drug dealing) Yelchin makes Bartlett into a cinematic icon who can stand with pride alongside the likes of Juno from earlier this year. The future is bright for this young leading man – with parts in Star Trek and Terminator 4 lined up, I’d even be up to see some more Charlie Bartlett action if as Murphey tells one of the kids he’s filmed himself beating up ‘I'll see you in the sequel!’


"cute couple"

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
+ Heartfelt teen musings

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
+ Some cool scenes but its more drama than crunching fight movie

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)+ Kat Dennings is very very delicious!!

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Some people haven’t taken Charlie to heart

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)+ Very funny in places!!

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
+ Essential viewing for anyone who is / was a teen!
Liable to make you:
"hug a hoodie – well if it’s Kat Dennings at least! (see below)"
DM Poster Quote:
“People like you are the reason people like me need medication…"

"Kat Dennings -gorgeous and talented!"

Mushishi - The 'what's bugging you' review

Mushishi (15)

Dir. Katsuhiro Otomo

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Some films are so weird that they almost defy classification – Mushishi absolutely falls into this category. Imagine a world where ‘Bugs’ (kind of spirits or sprites) exist in and around us. The bugs can take many forms – rainbows, words, willo-the-wisp types ephemeral creatures, smoke, light and darkness to name but a few.
Mushishi tells the unbelievably odd tale of a boy named Yoki who loses his mother and falls in with a strange ‘Bug Master’ woman named Nui – only for her to get swallowed by an enchanted lake and transform into a bug state herself. Nui condemns herself to live a bug-invested half life, existing both as a blind woman and fish made of light (if you’ve played ‘fl0w’ on the PS3 you’ll have some idea of her luminous fish form). Anyway, the boy barely survives but loses all his memories, changing his name to Ginko (the name of the eyeless fish spirit of the enchanted lake) – as you do…
The plot jumps back and forward in time between Ginko’s adventures as a Bug Master and the boy’s back-story. Weird and wonderful characters populate this magical tale including a girl who grows horns due to her bug infestation, another girl (and possible love interest fpr Ginko) who inherited the ability to transform bugs into writing and keeps endless journals detailing the various types of bugs that exist.
Of course there is a baddie in the terrible form of Takayomi (the darkness bug) and the slow, ponderous story builds up to a climactic showdown for Ginko to face off against this all powerful bug form.
Along the way you’ll see some incredible sights, the mix of live action / CGI that depicts the bugs is genuinely unnerving and there are some stunning vistas. The Japanese locations are gorgeous and the cinematography just wonderful… But despite all of the positives, I was left bemused by the film overall, perhaps this is a cultural jump too far for Western mindsets? Despite the ending taking me by surprise and a lingering sense of ‘WTF?’ I was strangely moved by this oriental oddity.
If venturing into the world of Mushishi – don’t go expecting action or Manga style battling of any kind, get ready instead for your mind to be stretched, your eyes to be feasted and your mind to be befuddled… It’s a trip worth taking but only for the prepared…

Film number 2 of the possibly really short Darkmatters ‘BUG SEASON’…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
- The words ‘weird and wonderful’ jump to mind

Tasty Action: ööööö (5)
- This isn’t an action movie but there are a couple of fights

Gratuitous Babeness: ööö (3)
- Not really – unless you’ve a thing for horns on the forehead?

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)
- Those hoping for Akira like big bangs will be disappointed

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Some dark comedy moments

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (7)
- Strange and haunting, gets better as you think about afterwards

Liable to make you:
"take up bug hunting"

DM Poster Quote:
“There are things out there that we don’t understand…"


"Matt realised that the 'bug problem' may be worse than he feared"

Doomsday - the 'Mc Apocalypse' review

Doomsday (18)

Dir. Neil Marshall

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

What do you get if you cross Mad Max, Escape From New York, Aliens, 28 Days Later and maybe throw in a bit of Excalibur for fun? – In a word ‘Doomsday’.

You hear that shrieking noise though? That’s the sound of a director’s cool imagination and creative flair grinding up against the limitations of his big scale storytelling plotting ability… After serving up five star horror hits with Dog Soldiers and The Descent Neil Marshall wobbles a little with his third feature, but even Marshall on a slightly off day is still an absolute blast of guns, babes, car chases and deranged Scottish cannibals…
Seems that after a savage new virus called ‘The Reaper’ has wiped out most of the Irn Bru drinking types north of the border – those left split into two factions. The first are post apocalyptic punks a la Wild Boys or Mad Max, just hyped up a bit more due to having can of Tennants Lager to hand… Think hundreds of clones of Trainspotting’s Begbie – dressed in leather and sporting punk hairdos - brandishing all sorts of nutty weaponry, actually it was kind of like the crowds at tonight’s UEFA Cup Final!?

There are some very tasty scenes, like the initial Metal Gear alike assault on a baddie packed tanker which gets props for ‘best use of a detachable eyeball camera’ I’ve ever seen.

So cut to interior of a ravaged Scottish castle – a crazed scientist dressed as a medieval lord is ranting: “These walls around you; they were built to last, and so shall we. What we've built here, from the ashes, is pure blood. Uninfected by the outside world... until now. Ah, even now you still cling to hope, huh? If I were you, I'd abandon any such thought. There is no cure. There never was. We have prevailed here, not because of science but through natural selection. Survival of the fittest. We have earned the right to live…”

This is the kind of unexpected left field scene that works so well because this bunch of survivors have gone back to living as medieval types, complete with armour, torture devices and stuff.

Rhona ‘Soon to be in Underworld 3’ Mitra is the plucky heroine ‘Eden’ who kicks copious amount of ass and looks good whilst doing it. She gets some great lines, delivers some wicked pain on the Scots and gets to drive a superb Bentley in a frantic car chase.

There’s plenty of decapitation, mutilation and serious dismemberment – which earns the 18 rating with aplomb. It all looks good and the scenes that pay heartfelt homage to the films listed at the start of this review – so if you have any love for those then you’ll enjoy Doomsday to some extent.

Somehow though it doesn’t quite deliver on the sum of it’s parts – perhaps there’s a remixed directors cut that will redress the editing problems but until then it’s still worth a look…

Am really hoping Marshall can get his groove back for next year’s Drive which sees a Hollywood stunt performer (Hugh Jackman) moonlighting as a wheelman – who discovers that a contract has been put on him… Sounds promising!!


"the new Bentley 'gimp' advert went down a storm"

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
- Disengaging you brain before viewing will help

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- The action scenes are kinda cool, but the jump cutting edits don’t help

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Mitra looks great in her ass kicking jumpsuit

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööö (4)
- Doesn’t hang around long enough to be dull

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- Twisted comedic elements

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (7)
- A near miss which is worth checking if you like apocalyptic action

Liable to make you:
"book a holiday in Scotland and pack lots of Tennants lager"

DM Poster Quote:
“They can take our freedom but they can never take our, oh, erm…"

"Scotish lassies know how to give a warm welcome!"

BUG - the 'Darkmatters BUG SEASON kicks off' review

Bug (18)

Dir. William Friedkin

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

If paranoia is contagious… Then I’m freaking, I'm jumping like a jumping jack and dancing screaming, itching, squealing, fevered, feeling… hot hot hot!!!

And you will be too if you take this express elevator to insanity. Bug sees Director William Friedkin evoking the genius he hasn’t showed for 30 something years – it’s a horror / thriller / mindbend of the highest order… That’s obviously a subjective experience but if you’re on the market for a metaphoric descent into the mind of a weirdo (perhaps that’s why you’re reading Darkmatters anyway?)...
Bug should be your next stop…

You could say that this is a riff on post-traumatic stress disorder but the harrowing tale of what happens when nutjob loser Peter (Michael Shannon) meets lonely waitress Agnes (Ashley Judd – giving the performance of her career) in a cheap motel is a glimpse into the very mouth of madness…

With an ominous ringing phone – a certain harbinger of creeping doom – we get to see a love story between two intensely damaged individuals… swapping dialogue like - Peter: I am the drone, to which Agnes replies: I am the mother queen.

In fact here’s my favourite scene which will give you taste:

Peter: You want to know what's going on? All right, then you listen to me, you listen to what I'm going to tell you, because you don't know the… enormity of what we're dealing with here…

Agnes: I'm listening…

Peter: May the 29, 1954, a consortium of bankers, industrialists, corporate C.E.O.'s and politicians held a series of meetings over three days at the Bilderberg Hotel in Oosterbeek, Holland. They drew up a plan for maintaining the status quo…

Agnes: What is that?

Peter: It's the way things are. It's the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer…

Agnes: All right.

Peter: They devised a plan to manipulate technology, economics, the media, population control, world religion, to keep things the way they are. They have continued to meet once a year, every year, since that original meeting. Look it up.

Agnes: O.K….

Peter: Under their orders, the C.I.A. had smuggled Nazi scientists into the States to work with the American military at Calspan, developing an inner-epidermal tracking microchip…

Agnes: Wait…

Peter: A surveillance tool, a computer chip implanted in the skin of every human being born on this planet since 1982. An early test group for the prototype was the People's Temple, and when the Rev. Jim Jones threatened to expose them, he and every member of his church were assassinated… But it wasn't enough just to track people, to spy on them, they wanted control. They created the Intelligence Manned Interface biochip, a subcutaneous transponder, a computer chip imprinted with living brain cells. They needed lab rats to test it, and they found us: me, in the gulf, and another soldier working at Calspan at the time: Tim McVeigh.

Agnes: Oh, no, wait…

Peter: They turned us into… zombies, remote control assassins, then picked Tim up, chucked him in a prison factory. But I found my chip and cut it out, so they sent me back to the lab for further testing and a new experiment… They can't get to everybody, people slip through the cracks, or find the chip and remove it, like me, or Ted Kaczynski. They need a chip that will self-perpetuate, that will spread, like a virus, that people can pass to each other, to everyone.

Good stuff huh?

So having escaped her abusive ex-husband Goss (Harry Connick Jr.) who’s recently been released from prison and is on his way back to her, Agnes – who is still vulnerable having lost her six year old son (how, we’re never quite sure), is at a very low ebb when Peter and his bug infested blood turn up…

Bug is the closest thing you can get to experiencing an on screen insanity inducing claustrophobic nightmare which merges delusion with reality as bugs begin to disrupt the lives of Peter and Agnes...
It’s not a happy story, but this is an important film and a worthy headline entry into the Darkmatters ‘BUG SEASON’…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (8)
- Bug will ransack your head

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
- More a slow burner but there are some flashpoints

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (8)
- Ashley Judd does white trash with style

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)
- This is going to freak some people out (alot)

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- The funnies dry up once the bugs move in

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (9)
- Powerful and desperately sad, this is a must see film

Liable to make you:
"try to extract your own teeth with pliers to make sure there aren’t any bug nests in them…"

DM Poster Quote:
“Oh – I like it when that lightening comes – yes I like it a lot…"

"Matt's new skinwork wasn't a hit with his wife"

Speed Racer - the 'fast enough to blow your pants off' review

Speed Racer (PG)

Dir. Andy and Larry Wachowski

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

‘Gentlemen, start your engines…’ I’m not trying to dismiss the multitude of talented and roadworthy women drivers out there (hi to both of you) but because Speed Racer seems to appeal mostly to those of a male stereotype. My evidence for this is backed up by the fact that there was not a single female in the screening I saw this in…

Speed Racer is the new flick from the Wachowski brothers – they of The Matrix fame – it is basically a two hour sensory overload of high octane, primary coloured loony-tunes racing action.
You probably won’t see a more dazzling, head frying, supersonic cinematic experience this year – my two sons were mesmerised by the big spectacle races, kid friendly and comically violent ninja assaults and general mischief cooked up by the ‘Racer’ family. Speed Racer has a completely unique visual look; kind of live action Japanese anime mixed with that Wacky Racers cartoon from way back and played out like a High Definition PlayStation game forced through a particle accelerator.

The plot follows Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch) on the verge of becoming the greatest racing driver the world has known, as if he had a choice with a name like that? But he is living in the shadow of his older brother Rex Racer (Scott Porter), who was the previous best until tragically dying in a race. Speed comes to the attention corrupt big business Royalton Industries' whose slimy CEO (Roger Allam) is part of an international race fixing syndicate. So will the young ace choose to sell out to the money men or will he stick with his family racing team owned by his Pops (John Goodman) and become ‘the one’ to end the tyranny of the big boys? Hhmmmm…

Speed Racer might not be a great movie overall, but in parts it offers a glimpse of wild racing action that is beyond fantastic. If my sons are any barometer of the effect seeing this will have on young lads the world over – they are likely to crash their bikes on the way home while trying to hit the speeds achieved by the Mach 5 car Speed drives. (He’s okay by the way, just scraped knees and elbows). Still, big screen viewing is certainly recommended; this is the kind of spectacle that could only have been dreamt up from the minds who reinvented the modern sci-fi action movie.

Just maybe leave the bikes at home yeah?


"Ricci pops up as Racer's love interest"

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööö (6)
- Eyeballs will be out on stalks but you won't have too much to think about

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- The races are awesome plus some poo gets thrown in the baddie's face!?

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)
- Ricci is yummy

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööööö (6)
- Some might have issues with the flimsy plotting

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- Slap-stick fun ahoy

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (7)
- If you don't like cars take 3 stars off this rating

Liable to make you:
"crash you bike on the way home trying to go Mach 5 - oh I already said that"

DM Poster Quote:
“faster, louder and eyebleedingly neon - you'll either cheer, barf or both... "


"Matt's new car..."

Jimmy Carr Repeat Offender - the 'you shouldn't be laughing at this but it's just so darn funny' review

Jimmy Carr: Repeat Offender

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

My wife is lovely… Not just a total babe but also an excellent judge of how to make her man happy!?
This year to mark my turning 37, she bought me 2 tickets to see Jimmy Carr live – at the DVD recording in London no less - of his latest stand up show ‘Repeat Offender’…

Having been a Jimmy Carr fan since I first came across him on Channel Four or maybe it was some stand up footage of the Edinburgh Festival… Anyway, I was stoked at the chance to witness the man himself up close and he was on top form – no one does paedophiliac, same sex, religous, deviant sex, self pleasuring, terrorist bating, topical news dissemination so well (and all at the same time)… No subject is off limits and hecklers were machine gunned down with a mixture of sharp whit and savvy fast observations.

You really shouldn’t go see the slick Mr Carr if you’re easily offended or narrow of mind. I wouldn’t classify myself in either of those categories (this despite being one of the born again Christians that Jimmy launches a few barbs at – personally I don’t think having Jesus travel with me is actually enlarging my carbon footprint but it’s a funny thought!).

The joy of superb quality stand up like that delivered by Jimmy is that it makes you consider things from a different point of view.
You don’t have to agree and almost certainly might be think that making jokes like: “You know that your girlfriend is too young for you when you have to make that ‘aeroplane noise’ in order to get her to take you in her mouth” goes too far…
but he has a knack for it and for my money he’s the best of bunch at the moment.

This Repeat Offender show lives up to it’s name, yes it is highly profane but it is also so sharply written that if you have anything like a brain, then you’ll laugh pretty hard whatever your world view. See for yourself either by catching the tail end of the tour or by grabbing the DVD when it hits – on which you may even catch a glimpse of me (I’m in the PWEI t-shirt) or the talented Tom W in the audience, laughing at things that might make lesser mortals freak out…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (9)
- Smooth, offensive and damn funny: Jimmy Carr is the stand up equivalent of playing Grand Theft Auto 4!

Liable to make you:
"practice your aeroplane noises (kidding!!)"

DM Poster Quote:
“Jimmy Carr is on fire - and I don't think it was those Christian Fundamentalists that did it but you never know!"

Iron Man - the 'heavy metal air support salvation' review

Iron Man (12a)

Dir. Jon Favreau

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Is it better to be feared or respected? And I'd say is it too much to ask for both?” this is the mantra of Tony Stark, multi-billionaire playboy and maverick high tech weapons dealer. Stark (a never better Robert Downey Jr.) becomes the titular metal clad super hero and unlike the multitude of tortured soul reluctant world saviours we’ve had recently, he relishes the opportunity.

Director Jon ‘that funny bloke from Swingers’ Favreau hits a heavy metal home run with this feel good origins story that sets up a potentially amazing new superhero franchise. Downey Jr. boasts infectious charisma – bringing real heart to this action packed, really funny and altogether ‘riveting’ gung ho tale of firepower fetish laced cool. The script sparkles with joyous energy and the action is well delivered with some eye popping effects including a Top Gun homage scene that sees Iron Man dog fighting two F16s fighter jets,

This overload of male wish fulfilment also has a mouth-watering selection of hot cars (including awesome Audi R8 product placement), a high tech bachelor pad which looks like a new Tracey Island and some suitably foxy females. Speaking of which Gwyneth Paltrow manages to be less hateable than usual in her role of ‘Pepper Pots’ – Stark’s loyal PA – complete with unrequited crush on her boss.

Of course every hero needs a villain or two to take down and Iron Man gets to deliver some hot lead payback on a whole battalion of Afghan Terrorist Militants who kidnap Stark at the beginning. Then for a suitable climax he has to face a bigger badder nemesis in the form of a rival combat suit of super-powered armour codenamed ‘Iron Monger’ in a battle described by my two sons as “the most awesome thing I’ve seen this year”…

The idea that it’s only a matter of time before we see super armoured suits like Iron Man’s stomping across battlefields is quite a fearsome one, you can almost picture George Bush trying to put in a bulk order for them after seeing this!?

Iron Man works so well that he has thrown down a power assisted metal gauntlet to the other super hero blockbusters coming this year – and if you want to see him again before the hoped for Iron Man 2, word is he’ll be making a cameo in The Incredible Hulk this Summer. Surely comic lovers everywhere can see the seeds are being sown for a full scale Avengers movie that would unite Iron Man and Hulk with Captain America, Wasp, Ant-Man and Thor… Geektastic!!


"high flying superhero action doesn't get much better!"

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (9)
- Blasting off in style

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- Exciting key scenes press the right buttons

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)
- Paltrow leads the charge

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööö (4)
- Long but not dull (girls might struggle a bit more as it's very much a 'boys toys flick'

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)
- Some really funny lines and good humour throughout

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (10)

- Does exactly what it says on the tin (erm Iron tin?)…

Liable to make you:
"start designing your own super armour suit"

DM Poster Quote:
“it's a bird / plane / toaster... no - it's IRON MAN"

Street Kings - the 'GOOD COP / BAD COP' review

Street Kings (15)

Dir. David Ayer

Reviewed by Matt GOOD COP Adcock (@cleric20)

Hi my name is Tom (Keanu Reeves), I’m a GOOD COP but I do have propensity for VIOLENCE i.e. I subscribe to the ‘shoot first – make a plausible version of events later’ school of bringing in BAD GUYS… It’s not easy being a GOOD COP, especially as there are so many BAD COPS out there, you know, I even suspect that some of the guys in my division might be BAD COPS… Damn, what’s a GOOD COP to do?

Only one thing for it… I’m gonna have to blow the BAD COPS away, it’s for the best, it’s what I do… You can watch me do this in Street Kings, don’t listen to whining liberal cinema critics who KNOCKED my film (yeah Mr Chris Curtis your review springs to mind)… You have no idea how hard it is to pull off this trigger happy GOOD COP action – and damn if the flick hasn’t got decent pedigree man – you haters were down with TRAINING DAY and nobody walked away from HARSH TIMES without giving some love to my man David ‘let’s not mention that I wrote S.W.A.T.’ Ayer… 

So if you dug that GOOD COP / BAD COP action that he served up in Dark Blue, people you should be checking Street Kings, it’s like a got that Oscartubbytastic Forrest Whit-tick-errr in it man.

Here’s the thing, check my opening lines in this film and you WILL be impressed:

BAD DUDE: Yo dawg. ME (Tom Ludlow): Konnichiwa. BAD DUDE: What? ME: Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa. It means what's up. So what the *&$£’s up?

Impressive yes!?

You want some PLOT details? Gunplay man, stylish and brutal, over the top and heavy-duty… supplemented with exigent circumstances… Damn who need a plot anyway cos when the evidence implicates me in the execution of my former partner I’m gonna go up against the BAD COP culture that I’ve inadvertently been a part of – in my whole GOOD COP career… It don’t even make sense but it ultimately leads me to question the loyalties of everyone around me – and those film critics are the worst man, I’m gonna find them and blow them the hell away…

See you on Blu Ray Mother*&$er

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
- Edge of your seat my friend

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- What it’s all about baby

Babeness: ööööööö (7)
- Martha Higareda

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Obviously some people won’t pick up on the neo-classical elements

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Yeah it’s got some funny stuff

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- GOOD COP gun action all the way man…

Liable to make you:
"a better cop!"

DM Poster Quote:
“Nothing says Policework like emptying a clip into a BAD GUY"

Darkmatters Review: In Bruges

In Bruges (18)

Dir. Martin McDonagh

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

You might not expect a foul mouthed, crunchingly violent and darkly comic oddball film about hitmen to make you stop and consider life, honour and the nature of Purgatory but that’s exactly what In Bruges achieves…

Meet Ray (Colin Farrell) a newbie contract killer who is eaten up with guilt because his first job has seen him accidentally murder a small boy. He’s hiding out in the quiet fairytale like Belgium town of Bruges with his fellow hitman / mentor Ken (Brendan Gleeson) – both of whom could be in serious trouble with their nasty boss Harry (Ralph Fiennes).
From the initial bickering about being holed up in the middle of nowhere with sightseeing the only real option, things get progressively weirder by the moment in this hard to classify movie that straddles genres. There is so much happening here - one minute you’ll be laughing at dubious kung fu violence being inflicted on a coked up dwarf and the next pondering the afterlife thanks to Hieronymus Bosch's classical painting ‘The Last Judgement’.

Writer / director Martin McDonagh peppers the script by with moments of sublime banter (none of which is very good taste but is liable to make you grin) e.g. Ken tells Ray: “You are the worst tourist.” To which Ray responds “Look, Ken. I grew up in Dublin, and I love Dublin. If I had grown up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me. But I didn't, so it doesn't.”
Or as a Spurs fan - my favourite line in which Ray sums up Purgatory as: “It's when you're not awful, not really bad, but you’re not really good either – a bit like Tottenham…” And that kind of fittingly sums up the film too. I guarantee one thing; you won’t see a stranger neo-noir crime comedy hitman saga this year. Farrell and Gleeson are a very watchable duo who take the wacky plot twists in their stride whilst skating on the surface tension of their misdeeds and the potential repercussions thereof.


"this'll teach you for not liking me in Miami Vice"

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
- Not a very cohesive whole but a fun packed treat anyway

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
- Different and brutal

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (6)- Some people won't 'get' this at all

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)
- Very funny if completely un P.C.

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- Worth seeking out, just don't expect a happy ending!

Liable to make you:
"start contemplating the lives of midgets and hitmen"

DM Poster Quote:
“a drug fuelled orgy of dwarves and gunplay and freakiness"

PS3 swag to win...

"over at funky PS3 Attitude..."

Bag yourself some wicked PS3 stuff by clicking over to PS3 Attitude (here: http://www.ps3attitude.com/2008/04/april-competition-win-our-swag.html) - all you have to do is sign up to their email list or something!?

What's on offer? Well from Ubisoft - an environmentally friendly cloth bag, from Codemasters - a Lord of the Rings leather bracelet and an exclusive magnetic paperweight, from SanDisk - a baseball cap, a lanyard, a pen and a Ducati T-Shirt, from Play.com - 2 x Ratatouille keyrings, a 'Spooks' book, 'Ice Age' Extreme Cool Edition DVD, from THQ - Stuntman Ignition metal number plate and a Conan mini-comic...

Who is the competition open to? All PS3 Attitude email subscribers worldwide and the winner will be chosen at random...

Why not give it a go?

Pathology - the 'diagnosis rubbish' review

Pathology (18)

Dir. Marc Schoelermann

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

I’ve heard it said that Pathology is actually a ‘window to God’. Pathologists get to witness things that most of us will never see – the perversion and corruption of the flesh by all means unnatural...by violence...by toxin...by madness... and their job is to determine the cause of death.
Pathology the movie is an attempt to explore the dark underbelly of the profession, asking the question ‘what if these doctors turned homicidal and started killing people for kicks?’ Sounds like an interesting idea for a film yeah? Well here’s a transcript I found stuffed down the back of one of the seats at Cineworld Luton… it seems to reveal how the movie came about…

Hotshot writing duo: Pathology – it’s about this group of doctors who form a dangerous clique where they take in turns to kill people and the rest have to work out how they did it… The audience get to watch in gruesome details as the bodies are cut up, we’re talking lots of blood and internal organ close ups!!

Studio film funding Exec: Cool, like a chainsaw to the head?

Hotshot writing duo: No, much more sneaky, we envisage chemicals and devious stuff like that…

Studio film funding Exec: Hhmmm, sounds a bit like an episode of Casualty… What’s the selling point?

Hotshot writing duo: What about if the doctors are kinky and two of them are hot women who maybe get off with each other?

Studio film funding Exec: I’m interested…

Hotshot writing duo: And we can make one of then get naked a lot and even have it off in front of a dead body… Oh and how about making her have a passion for sticking needles in her lovers?

Studio film funding Exec: Urggh that’s gross… I‘m sold – kinky deviant doctors, bloody dissection and stomach turning close ups of internal organs, this is going to be great! Who’s the hero?

Hotshot writing duo: Milo Ventimiglia… that guy from Heroes

Studio film funding Exec: YES! He’s credible… will he do it?

Agent for Milo ‘ Heroes’ Ventimiglia: I can confirm that my client has no problem with the masses of perverse behaviour, including violence, gruesome images, strong sexual content, nudity, drug use and bad language that make up this movie.

Hotshot writing duo: Oh, just one more thing, it's all a bit rubbish.

Studio film funding Exec: Who cares, we’ll just make a cool poster… Kerching!! Bring it!

Hotshot writing duo: Remember: no ‘body’ is safe… lol… we’re off to quickly bank that cheque before everybody sees how bad this is!


"if you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö (3)
- limited enjoyment and nothing to get the heart racing

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- not very tasty, more 'distasteful'

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Lauren Lee Smith is often unclad... men everywhere are grateful

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (8)
- slow and drooping pacing doesn't help

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- nothing very funny here

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- Interesting idea, shame about the actual film!

Liable to make you:
"not be able to look your doctor in the eye"

DM Poster Quote:
“It's what on the inside that counts..."


"see this scalpel, have a guess where I'm going to stick it!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Southland Tales - the 'world ends with a bang' review

Southland Tales (15)

Dir. Richard Kelly

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

After a serious week of bible study and generally getting into a metaphysical space wherewith to commune better with God… at a place called SPRING HARVEST based in Butlins no less in Skegness even… I can tell you right away that the heady mix of spiritual teaching, dangerous water flumes, nasty junk food and chav accommodation left me ready to have my mind blown wide open in a new and dangerous way…

So I called to the Lord for a film to watch and lo, He did answer – He answered in a mysterious way… by meeting me in Morrisons and guiding me to their limited new DVD release section and in an act of unsurpassed divine wonderfulness – there it was that I found Southland Tales. This is a film that I’d wanted to see for some time (being a big fan of Kelly’s Donnie Darko) and having had my curiosity peaked by the critical mauling that it received at the Cannes Film Festival in 2006.

Did the Lord really want to speak to me through a film about a Porn Star named Krysta (Sarah Michelle Gellar) who might be psychic, a confused missing actor (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) and a rift in the time space continuum which may be responsible for multiple individuals and the end of the world? – it did indeed seem so… and this despite the intellectually challenged gibbering shop assistant who forgot to put the DVD in the case so I had to go back and slap her about a little for her mistake…
So I leapt into the incomprehensible, self-indulgent, fairly long but not too long universe of Southland Tales... It was a everything I had hoped and feared and more. There’s no easy way to describe the plot so I’m not going to bother, there is so much packed into it though - ice cream vans packed with weaponry for sale, a crazy large zeppelin and assorted military vehicles powered by a new energy source ‘fluid karma’, guns that can shoot around corners, TS Eliot and American politics, Justin Timberlake reading the book of Revelation whilst manning a huge computer controlled gun emplacement… A killer soundtrack which notched up some of my all time favourite tracks like Wave of Mutilation [UK Surf Version] by The Pixies backed up by other quality artists like Jane's Addiction, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and The Killers.



The film is amazing, a megaton sensory explosion of ideas and the film isn’t even the end or should I say beginning? You see Kelly being such a cool guy – a guy after my own heart / Darkmatters vision… He’s only gone and created 3 graphic novels which form prequels to the film, filling in delicious details of the three days leading up to the events of the film itself. The graphic novels (known as ‘Two Roads Divide, Fingerprints and The Mechanicals) are excellent – written by Kelly and illustrated in some fine style by Brett Weldele… worth getting even if you never watch the film!

Revelation 22:5 - For It Will Never Be Night Again, And They Would Not Need Lamp Light Or Sunlight, For the Lord God Will Be Shining On Them... And They Shall Reign Forever and Ever...

– see that Spring Harvest stuff sinks in!!



"Sarah Michelle Gellar... as a porn star? crumbs..."


DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (9)
- Amazing and strange, awesome and mind melting, like nothing ever seen before

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- Enough sporadic violence and tension to keep you on edge

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Sarah Michelle Gellar is still hot

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööö (7)
- Never dull but it might blight your mind!!

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)
- Very funny, darkly comic , superb really

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
- The world ends with a bang... You won’t want to miss it!

Liable to make you:
"pray for more from this talented writer / director"

DM Poster Quote:
“America takes a nuclear overload in the butt - nothing will be the same"

Click here to read: When Matt met Sarah Michelle Gellar

Darkmatters: H O M E

Never Back Down - the 'Amber Heard rocks' review

Never Back Down (15)

Dir. Jeff Wadlow

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

It’s a little known fact that film reviewers are often secret martial arts experts – me, I am an adherent of the MMA (Mixed Martial Arts). This is a combat sport where there are no holds barred, except eye gouging, biting and low blows. Sure the rigorous training regime is a bind but you should see my ripped abs!?

Seems I have much in common with the sexy young people of Never Back Down’s high school in Orlando, Florida where loveable bad boy Jake (Sean ‘the new Tom Cruise’ Faris) has had to move. On his first day he meets the comically named Baja (Amber ‘All the Boys Love Mandy Lane’ Heard) who is the super hot girlfriend of school bully / MMA champion Ryan McCarthy (Cam Gigandet).

Director Jeff ‘Cry Wolf’ Wadlow delivers a violent fantasy teen drama where everyone looks good, all the time, even after a serious beating. Never Back Down basically takes the Karate Kid plot and injects it with the O.C. lifestyle and some bone crunching Fight Club style bouts, plus more bikini clad babes than you’ll ever need to see.

Jean Roqua (Djimon ‘Blood Diamond’ Hounsou) takes on reluctant mentoring duties and the sweaty training montages come thick and fast. All of the characters are rock solid clichés including slightly chubby best friend Max (Evan Peters), annoying tennis protégé younger brother and mother who doesn’t understand why her son feels the need to fight… But in any film with the tag line ‘Everyone has their fight’, fighting isn’t really optional even if the non-fighting or training sections of screen time are mostly filled with YouTube clips, flash cars and partying babes. Speaking of babes, Amber Heard really is something special, I’m thinking a possible ‘American Keria Knightley’; you can see her later this year in ‘The Informers’ – the big screen treatment of the cult Bret Easton Ellis' novel.

Never Back Down is not big or clever and however much it proclaims that “fighting isn’t the answer”, you know that it will end with a one on one fight brutal enough to send a warning message to bullies the world over.
What more can I add except to quote the fabulously named ‘Baja’ who says at one point: "Walking away and giving up are not the same thing." Fortunately neither of those options appeal much to heroic but misunderstood Jake and it is a pure guilty pleasure watching the fireworks go off!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
- Limited thinking required, except if it is 'wow look at her' or 'ouch, that's got to hurt!'

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- The fight scenes are seriously crunching

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööööö (9)
- Amber Heard is a goddess

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Limited dullness but some very stupid scenes

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- Funny in parts, even when it's not meant to be!

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- All adrenalin rush fights and good looking teens...

Liable to make you:
"take up MMA"

DM Poster Quote:
“don't be a pussy... sometimes you have to fight!"


"Amber Heard - almost wearing a dress!"

"Amber looking good in GQ magazine"

See more of Amber Heard here:
Amber Heard -New Film Hottie

Darkmatters: H O M E

Drillbit Taylor - the 'watching bullies getting beaten is fun' review

Drillbit Taylor (12a)

Dir. Steven Brill

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“See that homeless dude showering naked on the beach? That’s you that is, that’s your mum… Now shut up and take your beating, oh and give me your lunch money and mobile phone while you’re at it!?”
Ah school bullies eh? Bane of many a child’s life and a perpetual problem for High School students – especially in this case two pals like Wade (Nate Hartley) who is freakishly skinny and Ryan / T-Dog (Troy Gentile) who is overweight. The two find to their horror on their first day at their new school that it is ruled by psychotic bully Filkins (Alex Frost) – and they soon become his targets after Wade tries to stop him hurting the class wimp Emmit (David Dorfman), known as ‘hobbit’ for his pint size physique. So far, so much like many teen coming of age flicks but Drillbit Taylor is from the stable of comic overlords Judd Apatow / Seth Rogen – those of Superbad and Knocked Up fame. What are they to do except hire a badass bodyguard to protect them?
If the plot seems familiar, that’s because it’s ripped right off from '80s movie My Bodyguard (and in a nice touch there’s even a cameo by Adam Baldwin who was the bodyguard in that flick). But the new Bodyguard on the block is Drillbit (Owen Wilson) and his winning smile manages to convince the boys that he can help them with their bully problem…
The only small problem is that Drillbit is actually a homeless scoundrel looking to rip the innocent young chaps off. Yes he might have military experience but rather than having been dismissed from the Army for ‘acts of unauthorised heroism’, as he claims, he’s really AWOL and broke.
Will he make good on his promise to sort out the evil but slick Filkins or will he do a bunk and leave them in the lurch?
There's lots of fun to be had along the way and my son Luke and his mate (who both start High School in September) thought it was great.
Director 'Without A Paddle' Brill almost redeems himself for his previous crimes against the viewing public with this good natured and genuinely funny romp. There are even some wicked nods to classic films to please devotees such as when Drillbit quotes the immortal lines from Blade Runner: “I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.” trying to pass it off as his real life experience.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
- Wilson is cool, the kids are great!

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- Some crunching fights and lots of mischief

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
- Average females

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Some slow scenes

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)
- Lots of funny stuff and refreshingly not too vulgar

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- Enjoyable fun all round

Liable to make you:
"want your own personal bodyguard!"

DM Poster Quote:
“violence isn't normally the answer, but sometimes..."

Darkmatters: H O M E

Gran Turismo 5 Prologue - the 'Drivers of the world... start your engines!!' review

" This is living... in the fast lane! You can almost make out the grin on my face!"

Gran Turismo 5: Prologue PS3

Polyphony / Sony

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Warning – this game is seriously addictive…

Have you ever fancied owning and driving a Ferrari or two – maybe one being their F1 racing car? How about an Aston Martin or high spec rally 4wd like a Mitsubishi Lancer or a cool BMW Z4? Hey, why not have them all? You can with Gran Turismo 5 Prologue, the latest in the prestigious line of PlayStation exclusive auto-erotica that takes the super shiny graphical wonderment of everything fast with four wheels and unleashes the might of the PS3 on it in stunning high definition.

The results are astonishing, I can honestly say that I’ve never seen such gorgeous motoring graphical representations and the good news is that GT5p isn’t just a pretty face. The tried and tested (by the millions of people who have bought the first four Gran Turismo games) game play has been kept, tweaked a little to continually add to the realistic handling of the various cars. Each vehicle looks very shiny on the outside but equally impressive in the ‘in car’ view – such as functioning speedometers and odometers, reflecting rear-view mirrors, wing mirrors and real time in-car lighting effects…

Others have tried to emulate the GT formula, good examples are Forza Motorsport 2 or Project Gotham Racing 4 but nice as these are – five minutes into GT5p and you’ll never want to go back. Polyphony have done this whole ‘Prologue’ version of a game before and it gives a delicious taster of what’s to come in the ‘real’ game due next year.
So is GT5p worth the buying now even if it’s not the whole game? In a word ‘yes’!! There are a great selection of cars lovingly created here, each them endowed with some awesome driving dynamics and a fantastic sense of realism. Whether using the trusty SixAxis or a one of the range of steering wheel controllers you get a fantastic sense of control. There are six tracks here include memorable driving courses such as the Suzuka Circuit, the Daytona International Speedway and mean streets of London.

GT5p takes the series online in a meaningful way too, with up to 16 players battling at full speed in high definition. Offline there is the trusty split screen option which maintains a flawless frame rate for player vs player fun. My only quibble with this game is the lack of crash damage (although that has been promised to be included for the first time in the full game) – but to be honest, when you’re burning around the track trying to set a worldwide leader board best time, crash damage will be the last thing on your mind!!

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
- Quality car based excitment doesn't come much better!



Do not under estimate the power of PlayStation 3...

Moving Wallpaper / Echo Beach: Series 1 - the 'Jonathan Pope for Prime Minister' review

"Donovan looking out for his credibility... must be round here somewhere!?"

Moving Wallpaper / Echo Beach: Complete Series 1 Box Set (15)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Welcome to the future of television… Moving Wallpapers / Echo Beach is a fully contrived marketing man’s dream – take one fairly mundane Cornwall based soap opera (Echo Beach) and then ram raid it by driving a superb, witty and truly funny behind the scenes companion show (Moving Wallpaper).
The result is perhaps the funniest thing to hit ITV in years – neither of the shows are stunning on their own but together they form a symbiotic joyous union that will suck you in and happy slap you till you proclaim it the greatest thing ever.
Of course you don’t have to buy this double bill box set, both of the series are available on their own but if you do that you’d be limiting your pleasure and missing the point.

The humour is amplified only when you watch how the two shows interact… Basically in Moving Wallpaper we get to see the show (Echo Beach) being written – how it evolves and all of the blood, sweat and tears that goes into creating it. Ben Miller plays Jonathan Pope – the guy tasked with making Echo Beach a success and he’s created an amazing, iconic comic character that deserves to be watched. Echo Beach would be nothing without Moving Wallpaper even with Jason Donovan and Martine McCutcheon hamming it up like their lives depend on it.

Moving Wallpaper demonstrate how television satire works at its best, blessed with quality characters such as Raquel Cassidy as a wonderfully nasty TV suit named Nancy and a special mention should also go to Lucy Liemann (who you might recognise from The Bourne Ultimatum). But basically it is Jonathan Pope who steals not just the show but the whole series…

Echo Beach could have existed as just another surf, sun and sex melodrama but it would have probably sunk without a trace. Coupled with Moving Wallpaper however, the series suddenly comes alive and all sorts of fun can had watching the machinations of how the writing team’s efforts pan out in their creations… Basically one group write it, the other live it, but if you look closely there are some parallels between some of the fictional characters and their ‘real’ counterparts.

If you didn’t catch this on TV, treat yourself to the box set – there are some nice extras too and these you can’t get on the single show versions including: Interviews, Deleted Scenes and Outtakes.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- Quality comedy from mediocre soap... genius overall!?

Liable to make you:
"book a holiday in Cornwall"

DM Poster Quote:
“the people of Echo Beach fear Jonathan Pope... their lives are in his hands!"



"the kids of Echo Beach... future stars?"

5ive Girls - the 'devil made me do it' review

5ive Girls (15)

Dir. Warren P. Sonoda

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“5 girls vs. 2000 demons. You do the math…” says the tag line for this sensational, hard hitting investigative piece of cinematic – - - erm, nonsense.
So by ‘doing the maths’ I was ready to see each of the five troublesome teens take on 400 demons each in single combat – but it seems it’s not quite as simple as that…

5ive Girls stars the dependable Ron ‘Hell Boy’ Perlman as Father Drake, who runs St Mark’s ‘staunchly over the top Catholic school for naughty girls’ along with hot but ever-so-strict Headmistress Miss Pearce (Amy Lalonde) – she wields a mean long ruler…

The five girls themselves are – in order of tastiness - Alex (Jennifer Miller), Connie (Tasha May), Cecilia (Terra Vnesa), Mara (Jordan Madley) and Leah (Barbara Mamabolo) are each upcoming actresses and acquit themselves well. Plus an honourable mention should go to Krysta Carter who plays Elizabeth, a girl who is taken by the demon baddie right at the start of the flick – which kind of forms a large part of the plot later too.

Basically it’s all a big rip off of other teens with powers movies like The Craft except that this one doesn’t take itself too seriously and ends up being much cooler and more fun than many of its bigger budget predecessors.

The 2000 demons of the tag line are handily rolled into one i.e. Legion – yep, the one who Jesus cast out into a herd of swine in the Gospel of Matthew (and who popped up again in Exorcist III) seems he’s still getting film work at least. As a Christian I am always interested to see how the forces of good and evil are depicted on screen, especially when their biblical characters (however minor) like Legion.

Writer director Warren P. Sonoda has lots of fun with his exploitative set up… Virgin Catholic schoolgirls fighting evil – each blessed with a special power (kind of a supernatural spin on X Men). What’s not to love?

5ive Girls is totally trashy horror that presses enough right buttons to make it worth a look if you like the idea of watching chicks battling a serious evil demonic force that posses all… Probably not one to watch with your mum!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
- Much better than expected, cracks along a pace

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- All bets are off as to who will survive this shocker

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Five for the price of one… actually there are at least 7 attractive females here

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- The low budget shows but doesn’t completely gimp the film thanks to smart scripting

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Sporadically funny moments

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- A decent effort by a director who might be worth tracking

Liable to make you:
"Say your prayers before going near any schools"

DM Poster Quote:
“5ive Girls want to play with you, especially your head!"


"see, I wasn't kidding about the Headmistress and her ruler of punishment"

Darkmatters: H O M E