"chilling a pile of crap doesn't make it cool"
Dir. Anthony Minghella
Reviewed by Matt Adcock
"An excellent adaptation of a superior novel"...
None of these are things I would say about Cold Mountain.
Widely acclaimed as it was - CM left me cold, cold and annoyed that I'd wasted my time watching such unlikeable characters struggle to such little dramatic effect. I'm not a huge fan of Anthony 'Ming the mercy-less" hella. English Patient was OK, Ripley was watchable but CM I found offensive in just how little actual enjoyment there is to be had. Normally the sight of Nicole Kidman's gorgeous naked backside would cut the film it's in some slack from me (Eyes Wide Shut for example) but Cold Mountain - I'd happily shoot in the head.
Yes the scenery was very nice and a couple of the war scenes almost worked but I think if you slightly adjust the best line in the film it pretty much summed up what I thought:
They call this FILM a cloud over the land.
But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say 'Shit, it's raining!'
Darkmatt Rating: ö (cold bollocks)