Film Review - The House Bunny

The House Bunny (12a)

Dir. Fred Wolf

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Here’s the year’s contender for ‘most gratuitous but joyous overuse of hot pants in a movie.’ The House Bunny is pretty much a retread of many US college comedies from Animal House to Mean Girls – just with added scantily clad Playboy dumb-blondeness. It’s a one-joke flick that seems to give the message that in order to succeed in life as a woman, all you need to do is be sexy and show a lot of skin.
So we have hot Playboy playmate Shelley (Anna ‘all four Scary Movies’ Faris) whose ambition in life extends only to be a centrefold in the infamous magazine. But her kit off dream is rudely taken from her when after turning 27 (which they say is 59 in ‘Bunny Years’) she is forced to vacate Hef's sexpot mansion. Homeless and clueless in equal measure – Shelley is reluctantly taken in by a desperate bunch of nerdy college misfit females who face eviction from their sorority house for not being able to recruit enough ‘pledges’. Can the Bunnygirl sex up the minging weirdos of Zeta House who include the actually cute but made to look rough Natalie (Emma ‘Superbad’ Stone) and man hating Mona (Kat ‘Charlie Bartlett’ Dennings)? Also in the party of unfortunately socially challenged college girls are full body brace wearing Joanne (Rumer ‘daughter of Bruce’ Willis) and pregnant Harmony (American Idol contestant Katherine McPhee who gets to ruin the end credits with a rubbish song).

"which look do you prefer?"

Faris shows a genuine talent for good natured comedy, delivering semi risqué material with an innocent Goldie Hawn vibe backed up by a killer Farrah Fawcett like figure which gets shot from every conceivable angle in eye watering close up. Along the predictable path to saving the day, Shelley also has time to try and woo old folks home manager Oliver (Colin ‘yes my dad is Tom’ Hanks). Then of course in true Revenge of the Nerds style there is the nasty middle class rival house fronted by a preppie sweater-wearing bitch.
But is The House Bunny for you? That depends entirely on your tolerance for sweet-natured sexiness, women in skimpy outfits and dippy college comedy bonding, complete with pratfalls and the occasional actually rather wry observation. It’s mostly a stupid, vapid, sexist money-spinner but try as I might to find serious fault with this, I found it hard and came out smiling having been amused.

"the House Bunnies take to the street..."

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööö (5)
+ No braincells were hurt in the making of this movie

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
+ Not a great deal here

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööööö (9)
+ Wow, fit bunny fun ahoy...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
+ Blonde and dim but watchable

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
+ Should make you laugh out loud a couple of times

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
Far better than you might expect

Liable to make you:
"appreciate Playboy Bunnies as humans with feelings...

- just kidding LOL"

DM Poster Quote:
“vapid bunny hot pant frenzy"

Sci Fi Babes are back... Heroes vs Terminator

Sci Fi has never looked so good

So as Heroes Season 3 hits the UK and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles follows shortly... the question everyone needs to ask themselves is - which babe would you choose?

Exhibit A: Claire Bennet...

"also known as Hayden Panettiere"

In the third season of Heroes - Claire is found by Sylar, who may or may not be her uncle. He cuts open her skull and examines her brain. This allows him take her ability to regenerate; however, a side effect is that she loses the ability to feel physical pain.

"she's one cheerleader worth saving!"

or

Exhibit B: Cameron Phillips...
"she looks cute but she could kick your butt"

Cameron Phillips (Summer Glau) is a former Skynet Infiltrator, class T-OK715, from the apocalyptic future of 2027, reprogrammed by Tech-Com leader John Connor.


"here's one we made earlier... just not quite finished"

Cameron's programming enables her to mimic human emotions and behaviours but she's also programmed with the knowledge of martial arts and other hand-to-hand combats. She has an affection to art and music such as Chopin's Nocturne in C-sharp minor and ballet. Cameron is programmed to protect John Connor at all costs...

VOTE NOW:

Claire or Cameron

More about Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Some bonus Hayden Panettiere...

How about a third option - AMBER HEARD??

Film Review - Death Race

Death Race (15)

Dir. Paul W.S. Anderson

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Gentlemen… Start your engines!

You join us live from the 2012 Grand Prix – the drivers are just taking the first corner… oh my goodness, one has just blown up, another is getting out of his car and beating the living daylights out of a competitor and a third is firing two heavy duty machine guns into the back of an opponent – what is Lewis Hamilton thinking?

Welcome to a whole new way of racing, this is racing enriched with serious weaponry and hot female co-drivers. As my esteemed friend I’m joined in the bullet proof commentary box tonight by John ‘Ford Focus – there’s no substitute’ Richardson what are you thinking? "This film makes boy racers look like feeble Sunday drivers"…
We’re talking insane bloodlust, speed and carnage (with the emphasis on the ‘car’)!?
Back to John: "whatever you do...DON'T get out of the car!"
He’s got a point too as in Deathrace the only place more dangerous than being in one of the modified muscle cars on the track is being outside of on the of the modified muscle cars on the track… It’s enough to give the Green Cross Code man a hernia just watching!
Final word from John: "I'd like to see how the lollypop lady handles this kind of traffic!" Yes, me too, it’s much more carmageddon than the school run…

So – is this the film for you? Well, if the thought of the director of Resident Evil updating the camp B-movie nasty Death Race 2000and resetting it in a prison where the prize on offer for wining the race is freedom but when they say there’s no point for second place, that’s because the person in second place is probably dead!
It’s a future where crazed inmates compete to the death live on TV pay-per-view and millions of viewers tune in to see newly convicted Jensen Ames (Statham) - framed for murdering his wife – take on the mantel of legendary masked racer ‘Frankenstein’.

Ian McShane is on hand to add a spot of reflection as Ames’ team Coach (who likes Death Racing so much he’s stayed on in prison after his sentence) and there’s obligatory babe action from Natalie Martinez as his co-driver, who comes equipped with her own set of impressive airbags (see below).


"Martinez - co-pilot of your dreams..."

Snippet of plot taster from evil Warden Hennessey (Joan ‘Bourne’ Allen): “the fans call Frankenstein. A man so disfigured by crashes that he's forced to wear a mask. His return to the track is highly anticipated, and therein lies my problem. No one knows yet, but poor Frank died on an operating table not long after his last race. Anyone can wear the mask, but not just anyone can drive the car. You have the skills required to keep the legend alive. I want you to become Frankenstein. The chances are good. I'm offering you your freedom, Mr. Ames. If it's not worth risking your life for, what is?”

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
+ Disengage brain for best results!

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ Broom broom bang…

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
+ Martinez is pure eye candy

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
+ Stupid and proud

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ Some funnies- look out for the pre death subtitle of 14k

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
If you like violent action and cars you 'Auto' like this alot!!

Liable to make you:
"pull doughnuts in the carpark - whatever you drive"

DM Poster Quote:
“when I hit the dashboard I'd like you to launch the Model 7 Russian Armory, armor piercing, self arming missiles!"

Not everyone will like this... here's proof: http://chriscurtis.typepad.com/weblog/2008/08/death-race.html

In fact - one of best pals Mike - whose opinion I value above most had this to say...

"Man, I can't believe you gave the unbelievably bad Death Race 8 out of 10, were you high? Or drunk out of your mind?

I dragged four people along to see that sorry piece of sh*t and now they all hate me, and you.

Of course it won't affect our friendship, you have enough in the bank with me to withstand a much harder kick in the teeth than this, but your film review standing has slid down the league table to somewhere below the hit-and-miss Jonathan Woss and only above The Sun's 'The Sneak' on goal difference.

Your 'if Matt likes it I'll like it' licence has been revoked, and replaced with 'take it under advisement' status.Talk of the devil, just got a text from you. Yes, you are right, I didn't expect intellectual or poetic genius that would stir the soul from Death Race. What I did hope for; a half decent plot or back story on which to hang the action, some characters I even gave a tagnut of a sh*t for, or even just some characters, tasty high octane four wheeled action sequences that got my blood pumping and not this pedestrian limp rubbish which continually drained the pace with pointless cut-aways to the warden smiling or scowling (about as scary as the ghost train ride on Brighton Pier) or Lovejoy looking like he was passing kidney stones.

I hoped for some humour, some classy one-liners and some clever twists; the film could only muster a bucketful of turgid ancient cliches, delivered by apologetic performances. At one point near the end of this painfully long B-road car journey one of the black posse looks straght into the camera and says 'this is bad.' Most of the audience agreed wholeheartedly, one man sitting behind me nearly choking on his coke as the moment delivered some much needed entertainment. I guess I shouldn't have expected more from the director who spewed forth such vomitus as Alien vs Predator, Soldier, and Mortal Kombat but he did do the Resident Evil trilogy which I do rather like. The only good bits were the TV coverage footage and that would account for less than a minute of the film. In summary, I thought this film was one of the worst I've ever endured, it sucked the sweat off a dead man's balls."

Ouch... so there you at least have an alternative view to um, add balance?


"Mike is the one of the left..."

But I still kind of liked Deathrace - which is just plain odd.

Film Review - Brideshead Revisited

Brideshead Revisited (12a)

Dir. Julian Jarrold

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Nobody does the lives and loves of posh totty quite like Evelyn Waugh in his various classic books and in Brideshead Revisited we have a poignant story of forbidden love and lost innocence set in England prior to the Second World War. I grew up watching the 1980’s TV series version starring Laurence Olivier,Diana Quick and Jeremy Irons on BBC One, ah those blissful languid days enjoying a taste of juicy unattainable upper class love…

But now Julian ‘Becoming Jane’ Jarrold has remade the tale for the big screen and a whole new audience have the chance to get acquainted with middle-class Charles Ryder (Matthew ‘The Lookout’ Goode) and marvel at his love triangle with brother and sister Sebastian (Ben Whishaw) and Julia (Hayley ‘The Duchess’ Atwell) Flyte… There’s much drinking, smoking and feasting amongst the gleaming spires of Oxford and then at the wonderful Brideshead Estate – almost as if that’s all the upper class have to fill their time with – plus the occasional jaunt to Venice… Charles is at first the innocent, beguiled by the Flytes and their hoity-toity ways, but as the plot progresses his involvement on their lives will have far reaching and unforeseen implications.

"some prices are very high"

Obviously some things have changed and much has been either chopped out or condensed but both my wife (who hadn’t watched the original series) and I found the film version to be engaging and thought provoking escapism. Hero of the piece Charles this time is much ‘straighter’ in the new version which comes across less ‘Brokeback Revisited’ and more a focus of how Catholicism induced guilt wrecks lives however posh you are. It’s beautifully written, wonderfully shot and the characters are ones worth spending some time with. Heavyweight support is on offer in the form of Emma Thompson and Michael Gambon – plus I am a big Matthew Goode fan, be sure to look out for him next year as Ozymandias in the much anticipated ‘Watchmen’.
I admire Jarrod’s style as a director, he cut his teeth on gritty TV dramas like Cracker and Silent Witness and here he demonstrates that he is just as at home with large scale period drama. Waugh fans of either the book or TV series should be widely pleased with the new film version as it manages to keep the decedent spirit of the original whilst adding enough nice additional touches to make this a viable companion piece.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)

+ Lots to ponder beyond the good looking sc

Tasty Action: ööööö (5)

+ Drinking is not a hobby

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)

+ Haley Atwell is a bit of a fox

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)

+ Something for everyone here

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)

+ Amusing in places but not a comedy

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)

Decent remake that delivers the goods.

Liable to make you:
"fancy some posh"

DM Poster Quote:

“lifestyles of the rich and frivolous..."

PS3 Game Review - Star Wars The Force Unleashed

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

Lucas Arts

Reviewed by Matt ‘Vader’ Adcock

I must straight away declare an interest here – I’m a massive Star Wars fan. A New Hope was the first movie I saw in the cinema (I was 6, it wasn’t even called part 4 back then…) and my eldest son is named ‘Luke’ so I can every night tell him “Luke – I am your father” in my best Vader voice… This Christmas I will again tell him that “Luke – I have felt your presents” and laugh to myself but at least you get the idea…

So I felt a disturbance in the force when I heard that Star Wars: The Force Unleashed was arriving for consoles (my weapon of choice being the PS3). Whatever your feelings for the extended Star Wars saga, most of the games based on the material have sucked, perhaps Battlefront was fun and Jedi Knight okay? Anyway, The Force Unleashed takes place in the dark era between Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith and Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope. You get to become Darth Vader's ‘Secret Apprentice’ tasked with exterminating the last of the Jedi… Equipped with a trusty red glowing light saber, the instructions are to leave no witnesses (Vader doesn’t want anyone tipping off the Emperor that there’s a new Sith in town) – slaughtering Storm Troopers, Clones, Jawas, various robots and all kinds of other creatures in the order of the day. It’s less ‘Order 66’ and more ‘Order 666’… Leave your mercy at the door!

“You can’t imagine the power of the dark side of the force…” Darth Adcock

Sorry – got carried away there and it’s easy to do because The Force Unleashed gives you all the powers of a Sith Lord – so get ready to force grip, force push and rain burning force lightening down on your Jedi foes.


"New babe Jedi Maris Brood voiced by Adrienne Wilkinson"

Praise Yoda for some shiny new technology that’s makes this possible - Digital Molecular Matter (DMM), by Pixelux Entertainment, and euphoria by NaturalMotion Ltd. are the coolest physics systems around - everything reacts pretty much like it should - wood breaks like wood, glass shatters like glass, Wookies scream with impotent rage as you pick them up using the force and fling them off cliffs etc…

As you progress through the levels which are nicely varied such as on board spaceships, on various planets etc you can level up the secret apprentice in a RPG lite system that works well. There’s joy in unlocking new costumes and tinkering with your light saber (as in changing the power crystals etc – I don’t know what you were thinking)… and very satisfying it is too. But nothing compares to the adrenaline rush of evil glee that ripping through a battalion of storm troopers and bringing down an AT ST by slicing it down the middle single handed… You'll even get chance to go one on one with Lord Vader and perhaps most excitingly of all - Darth Maul, bring it!!

Sure some of the levels have some crunching difficult sections or annoyingly ‘unfair’ elements that will require repeated trial and error but the cut scene rewards at the end of each make it very worth while sticking with it. Make it to the end of the game and you’ll even have the chance to change the future path of events in a jaw dropping alternative ‘Dark Side’ ending that would negate what happens in the films IV – VI… Shocking but cool!

If you’ve ever had any love for Star Wars, then this should be a must buy. The story works really well – the action is pure ‘wish fulfilment’ and there are even new Star Wars figures in the shops to collect (guess what my sons are getting for Christmas…)

As Vader once said: “You underestimate the power of the Dark Side. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny.” It is your destiny to buy and enjoy Star Wars: The Force Unleashed - may the force be with you!!

Darkmatters rating: öööööööö (8 out of 10)


"If you take on the Emperor, expect some serious situations to arise..."

Harry Potter & Half Blood Prince update

Harry: "Hey Hermione, we can chill till next summer!!"

Here's the latest word on the Half Blood Prince...

Iglu & Hartly & Then Boom - review

Iglu & Hartly
‘& Then Boom’

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Ever wondered what would happen if the Red Hot Chilli Peppers made love to The Beastie Boys and produced preternaturally gift offspring…

I’d bet on them being something like Iglu & Hartly – as the ‘& Then Boom’ album hits the UK, spewing mind wreckingly catchy singles such as ‘In This City’ and ‘Violent and Young’ backed up by potential killer follow ups like ‘DayGlo' and 'Jump Out Of Your Car'...

Darkmatters rating: öööööööö (8 out of 10)

If '& Then Boom' was a woman - she'd be:


"Evan Rachel Wood!"


"yum..."

On a side note, you know you’re getting old when your sons are the ones getting you into new music!?

Meanwhile my wife is loving Ladyhawke which is pretty nice but doesn’t rock like I&H…

Check out the I&H vibe – here are the lyrics to ‘In This City’:

You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself

(Chorus)
And I found that round here
In this city
That I won’t disappear
In this city
I got nothing to fear
In this city,In this city

Close those doors
Close those doors now
Now, now, just keep em open
Keep em open
Yea, keep em open
I’ll keep on, keep keep on going
Taking it in so, so heavy
Take it easy son, this aint so deadly
Got keep on, gotta go on, gotta go on
Take it all with what we’ve done
Gotta push it push it push it
To the top of the building
Even when no one is feeling
It might bother you
Don’t let it
If these people just don’t get it
They can’t express it
They won’t accept it
She said its okay that they may never give you that credit.

(Chorus)
And I found that round here
In this city
That I won’t disappear
In this city
I got nothing to fear
In this city,
In this city

I’ve been down here
Down these roads
People pass through
Some stay some go
Standing here broke
Not a penny to my name
But she says she loves me all the same
I try my bestAnd you do to
And all you want is something you can move to
Everybody’s gotta get their kicks somewhere
Everybody gotta fit in somewhere
Theres, an open road
And I’m traveling down
Don’t know where to go
But I lock and load
Shoot that sky till the moon explode
Moon explode
Now we’re laying in a field
White flowers on our backs
Talking bout home
But we can’t go backI guess that’s why we left
So we could take a step
Keep moving and forget the rest.

You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself

(Chorus)
And I found that round hereIn this city
That I won’t disappear
In this city
I got nothing to fear
In this city,
In this city

Film Review - Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (12a)

Dir. Guillermo del Toro

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@cleric20)

Q: What’s big, red, comes from hell but might just be our only hope?
A: Hellboy…

Yes, the butt kicking demon next door who’s renounced his evil allegiance is back on the big screen. ‘Big red’ as he’s affectionately referred to is part of the weird but effective undercover U.S. Government Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defence (these oddball creatures take on the cases that not even Moulder and Scully can deal with).

In this follow up to 2004’s Hellboy, Ron Perlman returns in his signature title role along with fishy empathy Abe Sapien (Doug ‘Pale Man in Pan’s Labyrinth’ Jones) and Liz Sherman (Selma Blair – who when I say is ‘hot’ I mean literally as she’s got the gift of pyrokinesis!). This time the team are up against Luke Goss (yes from defunct boy band Bros) who plays Prince Nuada, an elf noble who seeks to awaken an unstoppable mechanical golden army and wipe out us humans. His sister, Princess Nuala however is less keen on clockwork genocide and seeks assistance from Hellboy. The team though are in disarray though thanks to Hellboy’s somewhat less than covert media attracting antics and a new boss in the ectoplasmic German Johann Krauss (Family Guy’s Seth MacFarlane) who wants everything done ‘by ze book’.

Director Guillermo del Toro (who made the excellent and equally weird Pan’s Labyrinth) brings the whole outlandish plot together with considerable style. Hellboy II manages to have real heart, top dollar action and a fabulous menagerie of seriously freaky creatures. It also has a plot that veers between soap opera (Hellboy is gonna be a dad), comedy (Hellboy and Abe singing a drunken "Can't Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow is just sublime) and tense jaw dropping big budget action scenes. Don’t come here looking for believability, you’ll just go home grumbling, this is strictly for those who like their fantasy films heavy on the ‘fantastic’.


"not sure about the make up..."

You’ll have to go a long way to find stranger or richer visuals, the working class superhero chic of Hellboy is a fantastic dose of escapism that ticks all the right boxes for a great night out.

On the strength of this, it looks like Tolkien fans can rest easy that ‘The Hobbit’ is in good hands as that is scheduled to be del Toro’s next film.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)

+ Big Red is very watchable and personable for a demonic entity

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)

+ Some good quality fisticuffs and smacking down...

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)

+ Anna Walton ia a cutie but looks a bit pasty here

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)

+ Nothing too taxing unless you have low threshold for weirdness

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)

+ Some great comedy stuff on offer here

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)

A worthwhile sequel that keeps the franchise alive!

DM Poster Quote:

“Red is the new black"

Darkmatters vs Empire's 500 Greatest Movies of All Time

Darkmatters top 10 of Empire’s top 500…

This month's wonderful Empire magazine has listed their 500 Greatest Movies of All Time, below are my top ten favs from their list - let me know where you're top films ended up on the Empire list...

10. Brick (empire’s 489 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/3.asp



9. The Crow (empire’s 468 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/6.asp



8. Unbreakable (empire’s 452 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/9.asp



7. True Romance (empire’s 157 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/67.asp



6. The Matrix (empire’s 39 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/89.asp



5. Aliens (empire’s 30 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/91.asp



4. Die Hard (empire’s 29 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/91.asp



3. Star Wars IV: A New Hope (empire’s 22 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/92.asp




2. The Dark Knight (empire’s 15 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/93.asp



1. Fight Club (empire’s 10 / 500)
http://www.empireonline.com/500/94.asp




Empire’s number one movie was: http://www.empireonline.com/500/99.asp


Three of my favourite films that are not in empire’s 500 (that should have been!):

Dust Devil (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104155/)




Pi (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0138704/)



and Static (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090069/)


"If you've never seen STATIC, you're missing a real treat... try and track it down!"

Film Review - Appaloosa

Appaloosa (15)

Dir. Ed Harris

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Feelings get you killed”

Cold hearted Gunslingers are some of my favourite characters in movies, you show me pretty much any movie and tell me it wouldn’t be improved by having a gnarly, righteous sharp shooting character in the mix. E.g. imagine Pride and Prejudice where Mr Darcy is a proud expert gun for hire, or High School Musical where Troy is a mercenary hitman as well as a base balling karaoke merchant – instantly more watchable? No??

Anyway, I’m a sucker for a good Western – I’ve recently enjoyed 3.10 To Yuma, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, had more than most for Open Range and even dug The Quick And The Dead which is why I was stoked to check out Appaloosa.

Featuring a hero named Marshal Virgil Cole (Harris) who’s a mean gun fighting lawman who hangs with his devoted deputy Everett (Viggo Mortensen) – also no slouch with a firearm. What we have here is a modern classic Western buddy movie, that explores good manly things like honour, male bonding / rivalry and what to do when your best friend’s wife grabs you and starts to eat your face…

The plot sees Cole and Everett hired to clean up the titular town of Appaloosa which is on its knees due to the unwelcome attentions of evil rancher Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons). Bragg is a nasty piece of work, whose character is established in the opening scene as he cold bloodedly blows away the previous Marshal of Appaloosa and both his deputies for having the nerve to come on his land and try and arrest two of his farm hands (who just happened to have murdered a visiting VIP and raped and killed his wife).

Then there’s the wild card Mrs French (Renée Zellweger) who comes on like a 1882 version of Bridget Jones. Now I’m not a Zellweger fan but she does an okay job here, I’d have preferred a real babe like Rachel Even Wood but that’s by the bye…( The bye in this term originally meant "a side path," whence the current sense of "off the track" or "of secondary importance – just in case you were wondering)…
French is the hand grenade thrown into the friendship of the two leads and a distraction that might get them both killed. She’s the type of girl who’ll get busy with whatever Alpha Male is closest to hand and is fickle with her affections despite Cole falling head over ass for her. Everett however chooses the comfort of straight talking whore Katie (Ariadna ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ Gil).

"Ariadna Gil - easier on the eye than Renée Zellweger"

Of course there are the baddie sharp shooters to put in the mix also and these come courtesy of the Shelton Brothers (Lance Henriksen and Adam Nelson), these two might just be the downfall of the heroes and it’s a wonderfully understated scene when they ride into town for the first time.

As well as the sporadic action, the twisty romance and a deep vein of unexpected comedy, there’s also just some fantastic scenes, such as when a mob of Bragg’s men go up against Cole and Everett, Cole steps forward and asks the leader “Are you afraid to die?”

To which he replies “nope”

Cole retorts:

“Good, because you go first...”

"any of you boys seen an aircraft carrier around here?"

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
+ Cracks along, with really engaging central performances!

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
+ Strong shootouts and just enough action to please

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööö (7)
+ These marks are all for Ariadna Gil...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööö (3)
+ Doesn't drag at all

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
+ Some great moments of comedy

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
Almost a masterpiece and certainly highly recommended

"Ariadna Gil - yep worth one more pic!"

Liable to make you:

"polish your six shooter..."

DM Poster Quote:

"Even in 1882 it was Bro's before Ho's"

Film Review - Righteous Kill

Righteous Kill (15)

Dir. Jon Avnet

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


“There’s nothing wrong with a little shooting, as long as the right people get shot!?” In this case though it’s the film makers who should be in the firing line…

My name is Turk, I’m a no-nonsense cop who isn’t averse to breaking a few scumbag’s heads in the line of duty.

And my name is Rooster, I’m erm, also a no-nonsense cop who isn’t averse to breaking a few scumbag’s heads in the line of duty…

Turk – well, I’m a real badass, maverick cop and you’re gonna respect me cos I’m played by heavy-weight Oscar winner Robert De Niro!?

Rooster – huh, well, I’m also a real badass, maverick cop and I’m played by heavy-weight Oscar winner Al Pacino so who’s the daddy now?

You get the idea right, Righteous Kill is nothing if not a star vehicle for De Niro and Pacino, each waving their bits playing cop partners caught up in a serial killer case where the killer looks like being a cop. Sounds like a certain smash hit, bringing the two screen legends together in a movie for the first time since their sizzling riposte in Michael Mann’s classic ‘Heat’.

So good cop, bad cop, but is the film any cop? In a word ‘no’, Righteous Kill is a steaming shoddy embarrassment for all concerned, not least the viewer. On the evidence presented here director Avnet deserves to be banned from ever making another film, so criminal is his waste of the talent on offer. It made me want to weep seeing the two acting titans limping about without anything meaningful to do, spouting rubbish dialogue and treading a predictable, risible plot. I’d heard bad things about Righteous Kill but even setting my expectations to ‘low’ could not prepare me for quite how poor this was.

Words like ‘woeful’ and ‘lackluster’ kept popping into my mind while the vigilante killings of various criminals stumbled across the screen. It seems any perp acquitted of murder, drug dealing, child molestation etc on Turk and Rooster’s watch comes to a sticky end from the business end of a police issue weapon. Could one or both of them be responsible or are they being framed? You probably won’t even care after an hour of po-faced plodding and half hearted autopilot acting from all concerned. But however poor the majority of the film is, the supposed climax plunges to previously unexplored depths of pain inducing tedium.

You’ve been warned…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: ö (1)

- Really very poor and un-engaging...

Tasty Action: öööö (4)

+ Some half hearted shootin...

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööö (7)

+ Carla Gugino is quite foxy...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö (9)

- Monkeys might fly out of my butt, but I still almost fell asleep...

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)

+ You might laugh at just how bad it is...

Arbitrary final rating: öö (2)

"Most people respect the badge, everyone respects the gun," but nobody respects a duff movie and that’s what Righteous Kill is.

"This guy's a gonna. Bit like our film careers if we make any more films like this..."

Liable to make you:
"bitterly regret going to see this..."

DM Poster Quote:
"See two old timers laughing all the way to the bank!"

Taken - The 'Who would you take' Darkmatters Competition

TAKEN - Darkmatters Competition

Taken hits the UK today and delivers more than enough adrenaline fuelled vengeance driven thrills to keep you satisfied until Bond pops up in a few weeks...

And in order to promote this violent cinematic thrill-ride the lovely people at FOX have provided some tasty 'TAKEN' competition prizes - including USB data sticks, T Shirts and Caps which you can win if you live in the UK.

All you need to do is tell us who you'd most like to see abducted and why (please note that Darkmatters does not condone or encourage the practice of abduction)!?

And along with your entry, please put the name of the daughter (played by Maggie Grace) who gets abducted in the film.

Email your answers to: cleric@another.com

Closing date is end of October '08.


Maggie Grace from THE FOG


Maggie Grace from TAKEN

Film Review - Taken

Taken (15)

Dir. Pierre Morel

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career in the shadows, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you. And I will kill you…”

[after a pause the kidnapper answers] “Good luck”...

Taken is a mean, slick, action flick from Luc ‘Leon’ Besson and Robert Mark Kamen which could well set a new standard for the sheer number of bad guys sent to an early grave… Liam Neeson gets his ‘Bourne’ on as Bryan Mills, an ex-CIA operative who puts his training to effective use when his daughter Kim (Maggie Grace) gets kidnapped the minute she steps outside of the US.

Director Pierre ‘District 13’ Morel delivers on the promise he showed in his early action adventure – this time blessed with a quality leading man who keeps the audience on side even when delivering unspeakable violence. Neeson certainly adds gravitas to the vengeful all shooting, all beating, role of Bryan. Within minutes of the film starting he’s in action saving a hot new singing sensation Diva (Holly Valance) from a would-be attacker, a move which helps indicate that there is much barely repressed violence just beneath the surface of this doting-but-estranged dad.

So when his daughter Kim and her cute pal Amanda (Katie Cassidy) get abducted almost as soon as they arrive in Paris, Bryan uses the next 96 hours (the time frame within which security forces generally recon that a victim has a chance of being rescued) to go ballistic on the East European scumbags responsible.

The plot might be wafer thin but that hardly matters when the action is as crunching and high octane as delivered here. Watching Bryan take down seemingly hundreds of enemies in a stylish but surprisingly brutal series of encounters is this year’s action fan nirvana. With echoes of the effective Man on Fire from a couple of years ago, this man on a mission to save his child odyssey, will have people rooting for the steely eyed bringer of justice – even when the odds seem impossibly against him.

Once the action fuse is lit, the fight scenes, chases and relentless quest of Bryan is a captivating ride, a thriller that actually thrills and doesn’t waste a second of screen time. Probably not a date movie, Taken channels of the spirit of Arnie’s infamous ‘80s’ action heroes mixing in elements of James Bond and Jason Bourne. You’ll be hard pressed to find a more exciting rampage of gun action this autumn – Bryan Mills may well muscle his way into to the all time top ten of gun slinging heroes.

"I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you - probably with my gun..."

Ye Old DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM
(all ratings out of maximum 10 but '-' is bad whereas '+' is good):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
+ Deathwish fulfilment for anxious parents everywhere

Tasty Action: ööööööööö (9)
+ Serious crunching fights and gunplay, exciting stuff!

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
+ Maggie Grace is worth abducting...

Mind Blight / Boredom: öö (2)
+ Fast paced throughout

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
+ Some nice dark comedy elements

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
Taken is highly recommend stress relief for anyone who wants to see bad people made to pay!!

"keeping your cherry - drives up your value!?"

Liable to make you:

"vow to wipe out half the Eastern Euro underworld"

DM Poster Quote:

"They thought they could take his daughter and get away with it.
they were miss-TAKEN!!"