Football / Women - definitive guide to Premiership

With apologies in advance for the female Darkmatter readers...

Top man SI (who does not blog alas) sent me this very useful guide to the English Football Premiership... As a Tottenham fan I couldn't agree more with the mighty Spurs being likened to the 'oh so lovely' Miss Knightley!

Hey Matt L, Tom, - all you other Arsenal fans out there - what's the French for "rough old slapper?"


Spurs - Keira Knightley:
Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that
two little ones up front needn't be an drawback.


Portsmouth - Girls Aloud:
Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.


Chelsea - Rachel Stevens:
You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

Other teams...

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson:
Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of
people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall:
Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona:
Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted -
now disappear from where you came, please.

Everton - Dannii Minogue:
The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when
it was they were supposed to be any good?

Fulham - Charlotte Church:
Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the
Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Arsenal - Jordan:
Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign
implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh:
Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a
lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido:
Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great
but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Bolton - Clare Balding:
You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth

Manchester United - Catherine Zeta Jones
Used to look great until they were shafted by an old fat American with too
much money

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Casshern

"The latest in facial armour... not great for easy eating though"

Casshern (15)
Dir. Kazuaki Kiriya

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Watching Casshern put me in mind of these lyrics from Embrace...

…the other side is out of reach,

its nothing you can change

and everything won't work out in the end,

you'll realise the world is not your friend,

there's nothing that you've broken you can mend…

Embrace ‘This New Day’

Earth – the near future… Thanks to another dodgy piece of Bush style ‘world policy’ we humans have managed to turn most of the globe into a wretched war zone. Then to make matters worse we inadvertently create a new race of Neoroids who enslave us using an army of rebellious super-robots originally designed to help civilization avert a complete ecological cataclysm.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before… Anyway, mankind's only hope is Casshern, a legendary hero who wages a solitary battle to defeat these Neoroids and restore the Earth to its rightful order. Ironically, Casshern's father is the same scientist who engineered the race of super androids now threatening to destroy all of mankind. On a crusade to clear the name of his father, Casshern must sacrifice his own humanity in order to attain the powers he needs to defeat mankind's powerful enemies. But Casshern’s power does not come without a price. Haunted by the memories of his murdered mother and forced to deal with a super robot that has absorbed, and now manipulates, the consciousness of his father, Casshern must put aside his own emotions and fight to preserve the survival of the human race.
This is a serious contender to be remade by the Wachowski brothers – killer robots in a blade runner like war torn future world. A hero who is ‘the one’ in an advanced suit of body armour. An extraordinary tale of science fantasy and social relevance which is pretty hard to describe? Yes Casshern might be the story of man's best laid plans paving the way to potential destruction but it tries to moralise about the horror war when I was just hoping for more of the superheroic action…Visually sumptuous and worthy of your time – this is a ‘near miss’ which could have been fantastic in a more capable directors hands.

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (cool visuals, some tasty action but bit muddled overall)


"getting the girl, killing the baddies and saving the entire planet - Casshern"


"Super robot gets a 'splitting headache' thanks to Casshern's attack"

H O ME

What's Your Seduction Style?

"Actually Miss Suvari was just asking after you the other day... TOM!"

It's academic now... because obviously I'm not ever going to be trying to seduce anyone except my gorgeous Mrs A - but this is one of those stupid 'blog tests' that might help you find out something about yourself... or not...

Anyway - here's what it said about me, scarily accurate huh?

Your Seduction Style: The Charismatic

You're beyond seductive, you're downright magnetic! You life live and approach seduction on a grand scale. You have an inner self confidence and energy that most people lack It's these talents that make you seem extraordinary - and you truly are!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Form an orderly queue... Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Heathers

Heathers (18)
Dir. Michael Lehmann

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

1988… I was 17… Living in Herne Bay in Kent, where very little ever happens… as a result films were still forming a large part of my world view… sure I had a girl (she was unbelievably hot, slightly unstable, and everyone wanted her but she left me for a richer bloke – after I ‘inadvertently’ cheated on her with some other young hottie on a church youth group boating holiday – they are the worst kind I swear)… I guess you live and learn but anyway, my nights were filled with almost legal beer drinking with top pals Mike, Dave and John, my days, bunking off 6th Form to watch videos, evenings going to the cinema to see stuff like HEATHERS starring Winona Ryder & Christian Slater, and this was number 2 in my ‘films of the year’ (of course DIE HARD was number one in ’88)…

So it was an absolute pleasure to revisit this movie on DVD, I was slightly dreading the whole ‘Oh its just not as good as it was back then’ feeling that can oft times be the case when you haven’t seen something for a long time but Heathers is a work of such quality, deliciously dark comedy and altogether joyful explosive teen angst that I needn’t have feared.

Heathers is Christian Slater’s second best film ever (True Romance being his finest work) the character of J.D. is one part James Dean, half Jack Nicholson and topped up with emotionally scarred youth who the Matrix wardrobe team have to thank for the whole ‘cool black trenchcoat’ look. His world view is that the best way to improve things in school / society is to eliminate the assholes - it’s refreshing to see such disturbing psychotic ideas being played out for laughs in this homicidal comedy overload which set the agenda for ‘cool’ teen films ever after.

I leave you with the words of ‘Father Ripper’ the vicar who presides over the many teen funerals in the film: “We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book…”

Darkmatt Rating: ööööö (maximum dark teen fun)


"Councilman Val Templeton from Carnivale... was once Father Ripper"


"Iconic pose, iconic actors... for 1988 at least!"

Darkmatters: H O ME

DOA: Dead or Alive movie... babetastic

"the girls of DOA didn't mess about when dealing with unwanted advances from samurai"

DOA: Dead or Alive

The movie adaptation of the best selling 'hot females kick the living daylights out of everyone' video game series Dead or Alive has a release date for the UK of 01 September.

The movie centers mostly on the female fighters in a brutal competition (to the death) which takes place on an exotic island, somewhere near Luton I think...

'Talent' signed up so far includes - ex popstress Holly Valance, Jaime 'My Name is Earl' Pressly, Sin City's own Devon Aoki and Elektra's Natassia Malthe. Let's just hope it's better than the awful Streetfighter movie which had Kylie in it!!

Read my review here: Review DOA


"Holly Valance tries out a mean snarl in preparation to be Christie Allen in DOA"


"Devon Aoki: so cute but so deadly..."

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Basic Instinct 2 - Risk Addiction

"legs opening now - all across London - you have been warned!"

Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction (18)
Dir. Michael Caton-Jones

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Ooh, that’s nice, I like that… I can tell you’re liking it too, admit it, you like to watch don’t you? Actually NO!! Sometimes you just have to be frank, there’s really no way other way of saying this… If you go to see Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, you’re mugging yourself and signing up to see possibly the worst film you’ll ever have the misfortune to witness. There will probably soon be self help groups set up to support people traumatised by going to see it, cinemas could well be handing out leaflets entitled “so you’ve been to see Basic Instinct 2… We’re so sorry but thanks for the cash…suckers”, it really is that bad.
Look, don’t get me wrong, I like a saucy thriller as much as the next Christian film critic (in fact probably quite a lot more than many). I enjoyed the first Basic Instinct a lot - it had a cool sleazy style, a fun ‘did she do it’ plotline and it really delivered in those scenes where it needed to… if you get my drift. Part 2 does nothing of the sort, it’s not thrilling, it’s not exciting and it hasn’t got anything even approaching ‘erotic’ going on – which is surely the only reason anyone would be tempted?
What’s it all about then? Well Sharon ‘no knickers’ Stone returns in her role of the fairly well preserved naughty novelist Catherine Tramell. This time the ‘action’ – and I use the word under advice from my lawyers – takes place in a strangely drab looking London. Psychiatrist Michael Glass (a hapless David Morrissey) falls for her when diagnosing that she suffers from ‘Risk Addiction’. The evidence for this being that she crashed her sports car into the Thames at over 100mph whilst being pleasured by ex footballer Stan Collymore… as you do. Things go downhill from there really, to the point where every scene is unintentionally funny and nobody escapes with any credit from this shambolic stumbling zombie of a sequel.
The good news is that you don’t have to go and see it, in fact if you actually want to have some fun in the cinema this week – I’d check out Alien Autopsy featuring those cheeky rascals Ant and Dec. They have cunningly made the perfect Friday night cinematic treat for conspiracy theory freaks, comedy lovers and sci fi nuts everywhere.

Darkmatt Rating: ö (self harming is more fun...)


"mirror mirror on the wall, where did I put my knickers?"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: Alien Autopsy

Alien Autopsy (12a)
Dir. Jonny Campbell

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

The truth might be out there, but believe me you can’t be sure… trust no one…
In fact let me tell you a tale… Back it was, sometime about July 1947, seems like those darned yanks got a bit flustered over an Unidentified Flying Object that crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico. The cover story put out was that a weather balloon had come down, but if that was true – how come there were persistent rumours about an ‘autopsy’ carried out on ‘alien life forms’ carried away from the scene. When eye witnesses came forward and swore they had seen strange life forms being carried away on stretchers by US servicemen, the rumours fermented, becoming embedded in American folk lore and fuelling an industry which Roswell capitalises on to this day. The truth has never been determined, that is until 1995, which is where the story for this film begins.
Enter the picture Ant and Dec, loveable cheeky young kings of Brit TV – here they are Ray Santilli (Declan Donolly) and Gary Shoefield (Anthony McPartlin) - the 2 main players of the whole 1995 ‘Alien Autopsy Fake Film’ phenomenon. But could it possibly have been based in fact? Cue up Harvey (Harry Dean Stanton) a retired military cameraman whose story goes that one night in 1947, he was hauled out of bed and driven to a military base. No questions asked, no explanation given, he was ordered to film the scene before him, an autopsy on an unidentified being. Eight prints were made of the film. Four of them and the original were sent to Washington, three went to the Air Force Intelligence. Harvey was left in charge of the final print with instructions that it would be collected. A week later the Air Force split from the Army and lost its jurisdiction to the newly formed CIA; contact numbers changed and Harvey was forgotten about. Needless to say no one ever returned to collect the final print.
Ray buys the print from Harvey using $30,000 ‘borrowed’ from dodgy mental drug dealer Laszlo Voros (played by Gotz Otto). Armed with the footage Ray sets off to change the world, but the film has started to eat itself and now the genuine footage of an alien autopsy is gone. With no way to pay back the cash, Ray hatches a mad plan - assemble a crack team - Preston the butcher (Andrew Greenough), Edgar the under-taker (Lee Oakes), Maurice the mannequin manufacturer (John Cater) and wanna-be film maker Melik the kebab shop owner (Omid Dalili) and his girlfriend Jasmine (Morwenna Banks)– to re-make the alien autopsy, scene for scene, prop for prop, alien for alien. Using Rays’ sisters sitting room as a make-shift studio. Sausages stand in as intestines, haggis for brains and Edgar for President Truman… What could go wrong?

But is it any good?
In a word ‘yes’ – Alien Autopsy is packed with genuinely good-natured mirth. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll… never look at sausages in quite the same way again. The quality cast go about the daftness like their lives depend on it and it pays off big time!
Nichole Hiltz pops up as a babe of the piece, Jimmy Carr does a nice little cameo and Bill Pullman adds some Hollywood credentials along with the awesome Harry Dean Stanton.
This is possibly the perfect Friday night cinematic treat for sci fi lovers everywhere, I urge you to get in touch with your inner nerdy UFO spotter and seek the truth at your local cinema… They come in peace, I think Neil Smith over at the BBC called this one wrong, you won’t regret going AA.

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (Daft encounters of a sublime kind)

Dissect an alien for yourself (or bowl brains in a ten pin bowling game, watch the trailer and more) at the film’s excellent website: http://alienautopsy.frankiandjonny.com/


"Nicole Hiltz... hot STUFF - in Stuff magazine but also in Alien Autopsy!"

Read my interview with A&D here: Matt Adcock meets Ant and Dec

Darkmatters: H O ME

Watchmen... back in the frame thanks to WB

"dry your eyes... Warner Bros might be about to save the day"

Watchmen… update

Ain't It Cool News are reporting that Zack ‘Dawn of the Dead remake ‘ Snyder, who’s currently directing ’300’, is in talks with Warner Bros. to take up the Watchmen movie project. Please God let it be so… Even though both Darren Aronofsky and Paul Greengrass have been previously attached to direct – I think Snyder with a decent cast and big budget could bring this off nicely…

What’s what with the Watchmen (a brief synopsis for peasants who have not read Alan Moore’s graphic novel masterpiece):

Beginning with the paranoid delusions of a half-insane “hero” called Rorschach… Is there a plot to murder super-heroes and, beyond them, millions of innocent civilians? On the run from the law, Rorschach reunites with his former teammates in a desperate attempt to save the world and their lives, but what they uncover will shock them to their very core and change the face of the planet! Following two generations of masked superheroes from the close of World War II to the icy shadow of the Cold War comes this groundbreaking comic story — the story of The Watchmen...
Def Con 1 baby...

Who Watches The Watchmen?

Darkmatters: H O ME

Must See Film Sites

Darkmatters fan Rachel Stevens* was asking me the other day "which other film sites should I check out..."

I said to her "There's a lot of crap out there in the WWW, but thankfully also some top places to stock up on film related goodness - here's some that you may or may not have stumbled across yet..."

Here they are to check at your leisure (Rachel - click the names to visit them):

FILMSTALKER

Perhaps the best 'new' film site around, well written and frequently updated, The Editor might be Scottish but he seems a really cool guy so let's not hold that against him eh?

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (very promising... check it every day!)

FILMGEEKS

Darrell and Wendy run this fun film blog from Virginia - they both have decent tastes in films and are cherry pick cool things like a mocked up trailer for Spiderman 3 on their blog... so go and check it out (they also link Darkmatters so must have above average WWW taste too).

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (not always updated but worth stopping by)

HITCH MAGAZINE HITCH: The Journal of Pop Culture Absurdity is a magazine from Oklahoma City, and it stocks up on nice stuff like movie reviews, books and the odd babe or two...

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (read it, then impress your friends with all the useless stuff you've found out...)

Darkmatters: H O ME

*not that Rachel Stevens alas...

Matt geeks out with Napoleon Dynamite

"Nerdalicious... the awesome Mr Napoleon Dynamite"

Napoleon Dynamite (PG)
Dir. Jared Hess

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

There’s geek in my head, he’s doing his thing, he looks a bit odd and he’s not conforming to a goddamn thing… Gosh, outside Alphaville play their 80’s pop but I’m grooving to The Promise by When in Rome… There’s that puppy fat and shy but still kind of adorable Deb, she’s waiting for me to make her day, but gosh, I’m just thinking about my skills… Funky Uncle Rico has a scheme, my nerdtastic brother Kip is buying it when not cyber chatting to his 'soul mate' but me, I’m practicing my, like, nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... I'm telling you that girls only want boyfriends who have great skills…
Want to see a drawing I did? Scroll on down... Cos I’m like the best person I know at drawing creatures and stuff.Well, gosh, gotta go, come over anytime – you can play me at swingball…

As Adrian Hennigan over at the BBC says: "Jon Heder shines as the titular loser who actually thinks he's too cool for school; you'll be rooting for him throughout his close encounters of the nerd kind."

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (more quality geek for your dollar than you might expect)

"check my artistry skills dudes... pretty sweet huh?"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Ice Age 2: Meltdown Scrat Speaks Out...

"holding on to your nuts for dear life... every man's philosophy"

Interview with “Scrat”
translated by world-renowned Scratologist, Jerald P. Flaverty f
rom the University of Science in London

Full name:
Scrat: mmeeeeep
J. P. Flaverty: Loosely translated it means, “Scrat.”

Age:
Scrat stamps his foot on the ground many, many times.
J. P. Flaverty: Roughly, he’s 20,000 years old, give or take a few days.

Where do you live?
Scrat: Eee ah brrrrrrrrr
J. P. Flaverty: In the Ice Age. Isn’t it obvious?

Famous for:
Scrat holds up his nut.

Favourite food:
Scrat holds up his nut.

Inspiration:
Scrat holds up his nut.

How did you get the part in “Ice Age”?
Scrat: neeeh argh sniff sniff
J. P. Flaverty: He knew the director. In Hollywood, it’s all about who
you know, especially if you’re a rodent.

People you look up to (why?):
Scrat: Doooh eek, eeeek brrrrrrrrrr mmmmm, mmeeep.
J.P. Flaverty: He admires the director of his movie, “Ice Age,” who’s about to direct another
film. It’s never too early to start kissing up.

Favourite Film:
Scrat: Eeh, neeeh argh eeeee humph.
J. P. Flaverty: “Gone Nutty,” “The Nutty Professor” and “Tommy Boy.”

Girlfriend?
Scrat: grunt grunt heeh meeh
J. P. Flaverty: No, he’s not ready to share his nuts.

Favourite actor/actress:
Scrat: Meh numph, eek meep ehhh sniff sniff grunt
J. P. Flaverty: He’d give one of his nuts to work with Reese Witherspoon.

Meaning of life?
Scrat holds up his nut.

Matt's review of Ice Age 2: The Meltdown

Darkmatters: H O ME

Kari Wuhrer: An older woman worthy of attention...

Quoted as saying "My body is my greatest asset" can't argue there...

Kari Wuhrer - appreciation...

Here's a thing, was discussing 'sexy older women' with a mate - in context of a deep soul searching conversation about the whole Basic Instinct 2 (would you still do Stone?) dilemma. Review this weekend...

And after talking about Sharon Stone, we thought about other actresses who are
1. older than we are
and
2. very sexy.

Teri Hatcher was one name that came up (still would) but I went for Kari Wuhrer, an underrated B Movie hottie who was once an MTV V-J, was ‘Maggie Beckett’ in Sliders and starred in 8 Legged Freaks and The Hitcher 2…

Anyway, I'd say she’s still got it!!

Trivia (who’s older Wuhrer or Hatcher? – there’s 3 years in it) scroll down to find out…


"Kari shows the her best might actually be behind her..."

Links:

Matt's Review of Hitcher2

Keira Knightley

Leighton Meester

Slave Girl Leia

Darkmatters: H O ME

Trivia answer: Hatcher is older (born in '64, Wuhrer in '67)

Film Review: Tsotsi

Tsotsi (15)
Dir. Gavin Hood

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Winner of this year's “best foreign film” Oscar, Tsotsi, directed by Gavin Hood, is a powerful, heartfelt film that throbs with conflicting emotions. It seems that on the mean streets of South African shantytowns redemption just comes once…

"Tsotsi" the word might mean “gangster”, but Presley Chweneyagae plays the lead role with such authentic dangerous charisma that it might as well mean “prince of the streets”. Hailed and followed by his crew (Boston (Mothusi Magano), Butcher (Zenzo Ngqobe) and Aap (Kenneth Nkosi)), Tsotsi spends his time in various criminal pursuits including a terrifyingly plausible murder on a packed commuter train…until a fateful carjacking changes his life forever.

Spoiler alert: Whilst a new BMW is a fine catch for Tsotsi, he gets far more than he bargained for when he discovers that there is a baby in the back seat… Acting against his surface criminal nature he keeps the baby even though he is utterly clueless about how to look after the poor (but very cute) little tot. Maybe the baby awakens in him memories of his own childhood and his mother, which he has determinedly repressed, but one thing is for certain – Tsotsi’s life will never be the same… Indeed, having gained a ‘son’ Tsotsi's violence dries up, because hell, it’s damned hard work being a parent – especially a single one!!

Many have compared Tsotsi to the excellent City of God, which also brought a bleak world of violence and crime to the big screen in a powerful way.
Tsotsi really is a gorgeous, riveting, poignant, and thrilling piece of filmmaking. Classy storytelling, which explores not only South African poverty and crime but delves into a man’s soul as few films ever have before. This is a film that deserves the tag line “Truly unforgettable”.

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (every man can change)


"what is the darkness that evey man hides in his soul? and can it be overcome by innocence?"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: HOSTEL

"alternative poster... looks good on the huge billboard in Luton"

Hostel (18)
Dir. Eli Roth

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Welcome to Bratislava, you’ll love the mix of ancient and industrial scenery, you’ll marvel at how ‘friendly’ our beautiful women are, you’ll probably never leave, not in one piece at least…
Maybe I’m just a jaded Brit but it seems to me that American backpackers aren’t what they were back in 1981 when a gruesome hairy fate awaited the basically nice but dim yanks in An American Werewolf in London. These days the hero backpacking ‘jocks’ are initially harder to like – until that is they come up against such unbelievably evil monsters that from then on you really have no choice…
Hostel at heart is a extremely brutal morality tale, if you mix the idea of a secret backpacking nirvana from The Beach, add the creeping unease that all is not what it seems from The Wicker Man and then mix liberally with insanely explicit violence of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre variety, you’ll have some idea of what to expect.
Director Eli ‘Cabin Fever’ Roth isn’t one to hold back on the gore and Hostel has scenes that will shock, repulse and make you question the fact that people pay money to watch this sort of thing… But people it seems will pay money to do a lot of questionable things and in Bratislava that can mean having your own teenage backpacker stripped and handcuffed to a chair in a torture dungeon that only one of you will be leaving alive… Yes this is urban myth nightmare snuff territory and the audience get front row seats at the graphic carnage that ensues.
But that’s the second half of the film, before then you get a soft porn road trip as the American visitors enjoy 24hour drugs, sex and booze – euro style. At one point U.S. jock A - Josh (played by Derek Richardson) asks his incredulous travelling companions "Did we come all the way to Europe just to smoke pot? " to which his " wacky Icelandic buddy Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson) says "Hey, I came all the way from Iceland". The third of this ill fated travel party is U.S. jock B - Paxton (Jay Hernandez) who is the one tasked with trying to restore some kind of balance to the plot in the final act. But dislike them as you may, you will feel their pain when they find themselves in the slaughterhouse. This is audacious, perverse, highly grim, splatter cinema, certainly not for everyone. Oh, and you pay double for an American…

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (freaky grim horror for sure - but if that's what you're looking for, this delivers)


"someone call for a hacking by horned maniac?"


"and of course the obligatory babe... Natalya (Barbara Nedeljakova)"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: The Heart Is Deceitful Above all Things

"Um, mommy... can I put my boys clothes back on now?"

The Heart Is Deceitful Above all Things (15)
Dir. Asia Argento

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

‘The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can fathom it?‘
Jeremiah 17 v19 – an excellent biblical verse, worthy of contemplation even though it goes on say something like: ‘As the partridge sitteth on eggs and hatcheth them not, so he that getteth riches, and not by right, shall leave them in the midst of his days, and at his end shall be a fool.’ – let that be your lesson of the day.

Anyway before I tell you what I thought of it you have to read should this info (from ACIN) about the back-story to this Asia Argento directed film.

“The story of young author JT Leroy is one for the ages. In 2000, he published a semi-autobiographical novel called Sarah and literary critics raved. A year later, his second novel, The Heart Is Deceitful Above all Things, saw equally critical acclaim. The books were depictions of a terrible upbringing and the all-too-evil things that people do to each other. Celebrities not only read Leroy’s works, but they claimed friendships with the elusive writer. He was actually spotted at various functions, interviews, and press events. Leroy also went on to write the powerful script for Gus Van Sant’s Elephant. Eventually, actress Argento (Land of the Dead) acquired the rights to adapt and direct The Heart Is Deceitful.
“Just last month, it was revealed by The New York Times revealed that Leroy was a completely fictitious identity. In fact, he was a she, a woman named Laura Albert, and that Albert’s sister-in-law was playing Leroy in public. None of this makes this film (or the novels) any less believable. In fact, I found it nearly impossible to take my eyes off the screen. “

This is a gut wrenching, head spinning exposition of evilness on a personal level – an all too believable nightmare, that is as hard to watch as it is to look away. Young Jeremiah’s (the story’s hero played initially by Jimmy Bennett and then by twins Cole and Dylan Sprouse), life is intentionally torn apart by his vile selfish crack whore mother Sarah (Asia Argento). Taken from his stable, loving foster home, he is coerced into a dreadful life of abuse, a catalogue of misery, basically a soul breaking road trip that takes in everything that is wrong with human nature…Even when he is temporarily sent to live with his freakily-Christian grandparents (Peter Fonda and Ornella Muti), he suffers further degradation and abuse in a way that only fundamentalist religious types could ever dish out…

Nowhere it seems is there salvation for Jeremiah and as a parent, it was all I could do not to weep at the vileness exhibited towards to this innocent little boy. The Heart Is Deceitful is a film that should rock you (and I don’t just mean the excellent original score by Sonic Youth or the sight of Marilyn Manson without his make up!). This might not be nice, but it is powerful and moving, fascinating, challenging and bold. Isn’t that what cinema at its best should be?

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (hell exists and some people are already living it...)


"Miss Agento... film director or not, you can't run through the steets naked"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film News: Brokeback Mountain 2?

"sent to me by the legend that is Matt Landsman"

Now this is a sequel I'd be keener to check out than the less than promising upcoming Basic Instinct 2! Whoever put this together sure knows how to pick a cast!!

File under 'if only'...

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: The Pink Panther

The Pink Panther (PG)
Dir. Shawn Levy

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Mon dieu! Call the bumbling French cops there’s a crime being committed in your local cinema…
The main suspect is a tragically unfunny doofus who goes by the name of Steve Martin but here he’s being aided and abetted by a well known criminal known only as Shawn ‘Cheaper by the Dozen 2’ Levy.
And the crime? These two stand accused of making a movie so awful that it’s actually more fun to spend the time punching yourself in the face than watching it…
Nothing can save this new version of The Pink Panther, not importing the sexy Beyoncé which kind of worked for Austin Powers, neither having a couple of sometimes decent actors like Kevin Kline as Clouseau's pompous superior or Jean Reno who must have been press ganged into this big screen toilet filler.
You really have to worry for any film whose best few minutes are a semi homage to James Bond, complete with Clive ‘ooh wouldn’t he have made a great Bond’ Owen as ‘006’.
Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau is frankly rubbish, proving again that he’s just not funny anymore and Peter Sellers must be rolling in his grave, to see his best ever character so heinously molested in Martin’s incapable hands.
The only good news here is that you don’t have to watch this leaden, forced, cringe inducing turkey. If this Pink Panther should serve any purpose – it should be to drive people back to the original series of films on DVD (my favourite being 75’s ‘Return of the Pink Panther’ which also boasts some of the best opening credits in history).
But, if you’re still prepared to brave this movie, what can you expect the 2006 version of The Pink Panther?
Well, incompetent Clouseau gets assigned to solve a double mystery involving the murder of the French national football coach and the theft of the priceless pink panther diamond. Various misadventures befall the hero and at a couple of times it is almost chuckle worthy (trying to teach the French cop to pronounce "hamburger" in preparation for a trip the U.S. in particular). But dodgy French accents can’t make up for what the BBC describe as a "distressingly unfunny" film.
The biggest mystery on offer here is just how the makers managed to produce such a stubbornly laugh free effort. Don’t say I didn’t warn you if you subject yourself this.

Darkmatt Rating: ö (original French title: le merde panther?)


"Stop the film, I want to get the hell out of this rubbish!!"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Ashley Wood: Awesome Artist - has a blog...

"This painting moves me, it's just so damn cool..."

Ashley Wood is without doubt one of my all time favourite artists, his work on POPBOT, LORE, AUTOMATED KAFKA... absolute genius!!

He's a big inspiration behind the whole 'Darkmatters' project which I'm working on, would be a dream if I could somehow get him to do some of the illustrative work on it... Ahh one day!? I'm going to need to get a very tasty book deal just to buy one of his original pieces of art...


"Wood brings Metal Gear Solid to the page (and PSP) in some style!!"

So there I am checking out Ashley's excellent website: Ashley Wood's Website

and I find that he's got a blog... and it's great: Ashley Wood's Blog/

check it out!!

"This painting 'speaks to me' too, in a whole 'other way'!?"

Earlier post about: Lore

Darkmatters: H O ME

Ryan vs Dorkman: Extreme Light Saber Action

Originally created in 2003 for the TheForce.Net's FanFilms Forum: "lightsaber choreography competition", this fight to the death by two of the lesser known Star Wars characters will decide once and for all who is truly most skilled with a saber.

There can be only one.

I was sceptical when I read this over on The Movie Blog - don't always see eye to eye with those Canadian types (especially since they lost their star player 'Richard B' ) but they sure found a quality little item here... it really rocks!

These sfx nerds have great futures ahead of them in land of special effect artistry!

Access the fight here

Whilst you're here, check out this cool short film:

Action Overload: Prey Alone

Darkmatters: H O ME

Matt Adcock Meets Natalie Portman

"welcome to 'sunny' London"

Matt Adcock meets Natalie Portman

I make my way through the rain to the government building and take a moment to savour the impressive display of power – huge banners hang from every wall, a massive mask forms the centrepiece on the focus wall and security is tight… But who are those masked figures that man every doorway? Why has are there huge red V signs daubed over the chocolate cookies… And perhaps most importantly, who is this gorgeous female creature that is taking a seat in front of me?

Why – it’s Natalie Portman… wow, she really is beautiful!! Got to admit right away that I’ve been a huge fan ever since she exploded onto the screen at the tender age of 12 in Luc Besson's superb thriller, Leon.

Anyway, down to business...

Matt: V for Vendetta is an impressive film, based on a highly political graphic novel – did that attract you?

Natalie: It was very interesting for me to consider the mindset of someone who goes from being non-violent to being drawn towards using violence to express her political beliefs. I have been brought up in a pretty politically aware way, when you come from Israel politics is sort of volatile there. One of the reasons I wanted to do this movie is that it brought up so many questions that I can’t find answers to and those are the best questions and the most interesting questions and the ones most worth talking about like violence and terrorism and the causes of violence and the justifications.

Matt: What was it like working with V (Hugo Weaving), was it tough him wearing the mask all the time?

Natalie: It was kind of amazing because it makes you always wonder what's going on behind it. You're always thinking, are they laughing behind that? Are they smiling? Are they crying? Are they angry? Hugo's performance was so vocal and physically specific that it was a great help. It's not like working with blue screen, for instance, where you have to imagine the performance opposite you.

Matt: Your character Evey is a strong female lead, how did it feel playing her?

Natalie: I think one of the essential conflicts for her is having had the experience of having her parents punished for being political. I think the big conflict for many people who are idealistic is between whether you follow your ideals and go try and help strangers or be true to your private life and protect your family and those you love. That’s the conflict; what’s more important to you do you do something that is valiant and the right thing to do or protect your private life?

Matt: And what about having all your hair shaved off, was that tough?

Natalie: Shaving my head was fun. For the character it's a very traumatic experience because it's a violence committed upon her. But for me, I got to choose to do it I had to concentrate on looking upset for the scene because I was so excited. I always wanted to do it and never had the guts.

Matt: How about dealing with your high profile, are the media OK?

Natalie: Maybe I’ve been lucky and maybe people have been respectful to me when they are not like that with other people, but I’ve found that for all everyone’s complaints about the press I have found them quite respectful. You have the right to ask anything you want and I have the right not to answer it and in general if someone asks and you say you don’t want to talk about it they respect it.


"wow... what can you say? she's lovely and talented and friendly"


"Portman as Padmé... giving Leia a run for her money in the 'best Star Wars costume' stakes"

Links:

V For Vendetta

Slave girl Leia Outfit

Darkmatters: H O ME

Wonder Woman in 2007?

"Shiny 'breast' plates and wristbands - check, now bring on the hotpants!"

Wonder Woman
Dir. Joss Whedon? TBC

I'm excited about this project - but it all depends on them getting the right 'woman' to be Wonder Woman...

Many actresses are rumored to be in the running for the lead role in this movie, IMDB has a speculative trivia list including Charisma Carpenter, Kim Basinger, Lucy Lawless, Salma Hayek, Michelle Rodriguez, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sandra Bullock, Nadia Bjorlin, Mischa Barton, Rachel Bilson and Jennifer Lopez (gonna need some bigger hotpants?).

I asked Katie Holmes if she might be up for it when I met her last year - read what she said here: Matt Adcock meets Katie Holmes

My wife said that Kelly Brook 'had the body for it' but also added 'as long as you didn't have to listen to her talk...'

Who do you think should strap on the wristbands?

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: The Hills Have Eyes

"caution: some mutant cannibals in wheelchairs might be offended at this film's content"

The Hills Have Eyes (18)
Dir. Alexandre Aja

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Hey, found this rather tatty and bloodstained postcard today, it’s marked ‘possible plot spoilers’ but reads: Having a rather less fun than expected time on our Mid West road trip holiday... Where can I start? Things began fine, but after a misguided ‘shortcut’ through the desert it all went a bit wrong – and when I say ‘wrong’ I mean ‘horrifically screwed up beyond belief!
We ran into some new friends out who live in the hills, not your usual holiday pals either; these were degenerate cannibal mutants who took an unhealthy shine to us. As a direct result, several members of the family are now dead – dad was barbequed whilst we looked on in horror, mum was shot at point blank range, as was our eldest daughter. One of our dogs was gutted alive and I don’t want to even think about what our younger daughter has gone through. We’ve been subjected to levels of apprehension, dire danger and sheer brutal terror the like of which you would not believe.
The Hills Have Eyes really is a grade A hardcore horror – if you’re of a nervous disposition, this film could literally finish you off. You know, they weren’t exactly kidding when they wrote the tag line ‘the lucky ones die first’, what the few hardy ‘heroes’ go through (especially geek turned avenger son-in-law Doug – played by Aaron Stanford) is beyond the limits of what many people would ever classify as ‘entertainment’. Having said that, whilst the film is intentionally grim, it’s also very well made and director Alexandre ‘Switchblade Romance’ Aja is a powerful new force in the world of horror movies. What this improved remake of the Wes Craven 1977 original of the same name nails, is a lingering uneasiness that will stay with you. The gruesome action is offered up in stark full frontal detail, which thanks to some outstanding special effects makes for seriously queasy viewing.

Darkmatt Rating: ööö (quality horror for sickos everywhere)

If you’re looking for something just as intense but a little less nasty, may I recommend V For Vendetta (15) that opens this week? Natalie Portman stars in this exciting, uncompromising vision of a corrupt near future London, based on the excellent graphic novel by Alan Moore. Brought to big budget life by the makers of The Matrix, V For Vendetta is a must see for fans of action, politics and gorgeous feisty young women.


"I've got a axe to grind... with the US Government (about that nuclear testing)"

Emile De Raven is one of the main attractions in The Hills Have Eyes (younger daughter)...
you can spot her below (along with some of the other 'hot' stars of sci fi):

"Yep... the tasty blonde 2nd from right..."

Darkmatters: H O ME

Film Review: The Proposition

"mean and moody, and erm Irish... in this film at least"

The Proposition (18)
Dir. John Hillcoat

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Welcome to the lawless Australian Outback, it’s 1880 and there’s serious trouble brewing…
WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE – The ‘Burns’ Gang (that's Guy Pearce as coolest brother Charlie, Richard Wilson as youngest brother Mikey and big bad eldest brother Danny Huston who plays his character of Arthur like some Zen-like shaman outlaw, content to stare out at the massive outback day or night in contemplation… when not murdering, raping and generally misbehaving).
Step up Captain Stanley (a career best role for Ray Winstone), he’s the lawman tasked with bringing in the baddie Burn’ess and almost as soon as the scene setting credits have rolled, he’s managed to bag Charlie and Mikey… But of course it’s Arthur who he’s after so he gives Charlie the proposition of the title: for a pardon for himself and to save young Mikey from the hanging on Christmas Day, he must take out his older brother…
As the stylish poster tag line says: 3 Brothers, 1 must live, 1 must die, 1 must choose…

This is a heavy duty western (no Brokebacking to be found) and the cast is excellent, the ‘always cool’ Emily Watson is great as Stanley's wife Martha and I also loved John Hurt’s cameo as a vicious but well educated bounty hunter ‘Jellon Lamb’.

Written by the Aussie croner Nick Cave, this is a must see film for anyone who likes the semi-mystical side of Westerns and can stomach a serious amount of evil doing and gore… Empire gave it 4 stars and called it “Brutal, bloody and brilliant, this is superior filmmaking, and more evidence of the renaissance of the Australian film industry.” The BBC chip in with “exhausting and exhilarating; the film hugely entertaining and troubling. Watch it. Then watch it again.”

Darkmatt Rating: öööö (I loved it)


"so Bro... shall I just kill you now like?"

Darkmatters: H O ME

Darkmatters: Word Cloud '06

"what's your blog made of?"

Darkmatters: H O ME

V For Vendetta: First Reaction

"Kurt Loder over at MTV said: 'This Movie Will Kick Your Ass', I couldn't agree more..."

V For Vendetta
First reaction by Matt Adcock

V For Vendetta is the lavish big screen adaptation (by the Wachowskis 'Matrix' Bros no less) of Alan Moore and David Lloyd's revered 1980s graphic novel.

Will post full review when it hits (17 March) but having seen it today, I can confirm that this is right up there with SIN CITY in terms of capturing the look, feel and substance of the original material.

This is a 'must see' movie which delivers thrills, drama and stylish violence - set in a near future London which is scary in that 'just might happen if we're not careful' kind of way... Portman is great (and sexy even when she's bald), and she's ably supported by Hugo Weaving (as 'V' the black cloak, peaked hat, Guy Fawkes mask wearing hero).

Fans of quality film-making, graphic novels and dark dystopian futures, get excited and book your tickets now!!

"The test audience for V For Vendetta were unanimous in their praise"

Links

Matt Adcock Meets Natalie Portman

Are you a 'love match' for Natalie Portman?

Darkmatters: H O ME