The Somnambulist - review

The Somnambulist

By Jonathan Barnes

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

“Be warned. This book has no literary value whatsoever. It is a lurid piece of nonsense, convoluted, implausible, peopled by unconvincing characters, written in drearily pedestrian prose, frequently ridiculous and wilfully bizarre…”

How can you not fall in love with a book that not only opens with this but also uses it as the sales blurb on the back cover?

As a big fan of Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell which I stumbled upon by chance and was blown away by (my review here http://darkmatt.blogspot.com/2006/07/jonathan-strange-mr-norrell.html) – I was surprised to be equally taken by this lower brow but higher energy and vividly grotesque murder mystery. Which I again came across in Waterstones and just had to buy on the spot.

The hero is Edward Moon - a conjuror and amateur detective who hangs around with the titular Somnambulist, a giant bald mute who drinks only milk and who communicates using a chalkboard. Oh and it seems that the Somnambulist is impervious to physical harm – as in Moon’s stage who he survives being run through with swords without any obvious ill effects.

This novel is as promised in the blurb an absolute lurid delight, escapism at its finest, nonsense for sure but packed with a weird and wonderful cast of characters such as a crazed cult leader, a mix and match shady government Directorate run by a tragic albino and a scarred operative who likes Chinamen a little too much… Then there’s Cribb – a guy who lives his life backwards through time and my pick of this motley crew – a pair of unstoppable demonic killers who appear and act like two public schoolboys… who say things like "Murder sir? I say. What larks."

The Somnambulist is a detective novel, but it’s also a suspense thriller / pulp fiction tale of horror, one thing is for sure – it’s a great debut and an inspiration to us working on our first novels!

Can’t wait now to read his next book The Domino Men conspiracy theory you've ever heard about the royal family and the true story about where the power of Number 10 really lies. Apparently there’s a treat for Somnambulist fans as a certain couple of characters are kept within a chalk circle in a cellar beneath Downing Street…

Overall öööö1/2 (4.5/5 all is not as it seems - this is no sleepwalk!)

Unreal Tournament III - PS3 - review

Unreal Tournament III – PS3

Epic games

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Prepare yourself for the fastest, most brutal online combat you’ve ever witnessed. Be ready to cry with joy if you’ve ever enjoyed games like Gears of War or Call of Duty 4… Nothing can really prepare you for Unreal Tournament III not on a PC, but on the PS3… “This is living” as the advert says and boy they aren’t kidding!

If you like shooting stuff (especially other players) with some of the finest and most well balanced weaponry ever conceived – Unreal Tournament III is liable to make you wet your pants. You don’t even need to have played any of the previous Unreal games as this comes as a stand alone story but in reality (or unreality) it’s just a training ground for the real (or should I say ‘unreal’) meat of the game. Unreal Tournament III is a born and bred – best of breed online shooter, it lives for the glory of the death-match, it licks it’s lips at carnage around capturing an enemy flag and it gets hard thinking about seriously large firepower packing vehicles.

Playing your way through the stunningly gorgeous single player levels gives you ample opportunity to find your way around, try out different weapons and stop occasionally to take in the amazing scenery. The A.I bots that you’ll be up against are fast, clever and they make smart choices – whether that be working as a team to flush you out or just play dead in order to lure you into a trap, It’s compulsive stuff and addictive too. Be prepared to face some of the most compelling ‘just one more go’ urges you’ve ever encountered.

But everything that comes on the Blu-Ray disc is just the beginning because Unreal Tournament III has another ace up its muscle bound sleeve – mods… Yes for the fist time on a console the makers have provided the gaming community with an ‘unreal’ play set with witch to create new levels (you’ll need the PC version to make your own levels, weapons or gameplay altering dynamics). So this is a game limited only by the hardcore geekiness of modders the world over and as soon as you’ve downloaded the mod created freeze gun, or played the utterly joyful level made completely of destructible Lego – you’ll never look back.


This

is

Lego Unreal living!!

The future might be violent, bleak and brutal but it’s also never looked or played quite as sharp – and now on the PS3, the reason has become clear (as Roxette might once have said) ‘it’s almost Unreal’!!

Overall ööööö (5/5 superb and infinite... buy it now!!)

My PSN gamertag is 'Cleric20' - come and find me online!!


"You remind me of my wife in the morning!"


"Big tanks are the shizzle..."

If you present day warfare instead (which is just as good) try COD4: http://darkmatt.blogspot.com/2008/01/call-of-duty-4-modern-warfare-review.html

If you prefer chopping enemies up with a sword... may I suggest you pick a Heavenly Sword: Matt's Heavenly Sword (review)

Rambo - review

Rambo (18)

Dir. Sylvester Stallone

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

My name is John Rambo, I’m a battle hardened Vietnam veteran with a heart of gold and propensity for violence – usually knives, bows or with large calibre weaponry. You might have seen me fighting the Afghanistan war single handedly a few years ago but now you can catch me as I lumber out of retirement in order to kick the butt of the entire Burmese military.
I generally try and do what’s right, so when some ‘nice but dim’ do gooding US missionaries get themselves captured by the serious nasty Burmese baddies – I don’t have much of a choice except to get my iconic bow and arrow out and join a bunch of mercenaries on a suicide mission to try and save them.
Erm, that’s pretty much the entire plot, but who needs a decent plot when you can have a massive grisly body count? The last half an hour of Rambo delivers probably the most intense carnage per second of any film, ever. If you’re looking for voyeuristic violence as a stress reliever and have the stomach for on screen highly detailed body part rich explosions – Rambo delivers over and above the call of duty.
The message of this film seems to be that brutal aggression with very large machine guns can solve any political or diplomatic problem. Moreover pacifism is only for people who don’t really understand the dark hearts of the Burmese army (I mean these guys bet on racing innocent captives through mine fields for fun!?) The only thing that these monsters understand is the business end of a large gun.
You could try and look for deeper meaning in my actions – perhaps I have genuine inner torment and human spirit pessimism issues? Nah, the truth is that I’m just gifted at blowing people to little shreds with any weapon to hand, or my bare hands if none are available. You don’t have to like it but as I said – for big screen bullet ridden carnage – nothing comes close.
So after successfully shuffling Rocky back onto the stage for one last bout, it seems that Stallone wanted to send Rambo out in an even bigger blaze of glory (he wrote and directed as well as starred in this rabidly gung-ho slaughter by numbers). And if this makes money at the box office, who knows where it will end? Could we see Cobra snarling back at us from the big screen soon? The mind boggles.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
- No braincells required, but an appreciation of gunplay stimulation.

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- The last half an hour is like Saving Private Ryan's beach scene (in a paddy field)...

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
- Cute missionary.

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Not enough time to get bored once it kicks off.

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- Not a comedy unless you laugh at 60+ yr old men with guns?

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- Carnage porn lovers only really need apply...

Liable to make you:
"Look at your grandad in a different way"

DM Poster Quote:
“Live for nothing, die for something (unless it's another a sequel?)"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Rollin with the Nines - review (love that car chase!)

Rollin with the Nines (18)

Dir. Julian Gilbey

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Car chases eh? I’m a sucker for a good car chase but it seems that they come few and far between these days. Personal favourite car chase scenes include the edge of your seat thrillers from Bullit, Ronin, Bourne, Matrix Reloaded and even Bad Boys 2 but as that last example might illustrate, a great car chase can be found in a not so great movie and that’s what we have with Rollin with the Nines.

This movie from director Julian ‘Rise of the Footsoldier’ Gilbey has a superbly constructed, filmed and executed car chase which features a customised Golf V6 being pursued through British woodlands at high speed by some dodgy cops in what looks like a Vectra? This is a really cool scene and it shows progression from the ‘test run’ version of a similar chase that is included on the ‘Nines’ DVD extras as a short film called ‘Driver’, although that 4 minute chase is almost worth getting the DVD out for on it’s own!!

Anyway – the exciting car chase and a decent (and very bloody) shoot out in a crack house are the only scenes of any real merit in this nasty crime thriller that suffers from weak acting (from a not untalented cast) across the board.

Gilbey can direct, and if you like this I'd urge you to check out ‘Footsoldiers’ as it shows that he’s on the cusp of making a fully decent movie – I’m going to be waiting in anticipation of what he does next…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
- Gangsta fans might rate this higher.

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- Very cool car chase and tense gunfight...

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)
- Naomi Taylor is pretty hot

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööö (5)
- Some of the dialogue is painful.

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- Not much comedy here.

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- Rollin with the sixes...

Liable to make you:
"Think twice before launching into a career selling drugs"

DM Poster Quote:
“Crime does not pay, but it does look exciting speeding away from the Filth in a stolen car"

Watch the car chase here:

Spurs deliver Birthday cup win!!

"this is for the Arsenal fans... thanks for letting us win the semi final!!"

Would just like to thank Tottenham for bagging a superb Carling Cup win over Chelsea yesterday - it really was the best B'day present I could have wished for...

Having said that - have got some nice presents to enjoy including Unreal Tournament III (PS3), The Crow (one of my all time favourite movies) on Blu Ray and Matter by Iain M Banks... 'Matter' what great title huh!?

Cheers to friends, family and Tottenham alike!!

Last year's B'day post: http://darkmatt.blogspot.com/2007/03/older-darker.html

or '06's post: http://darkmatt.blogspot.com/2006/02/matts-birthday-number-35.html

Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles

"I was hoping for one of these Terminator models for my B'day!!"

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Pilot)

Director: David Nutter

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

I've always been a big fan of the Terminator films (I even kind of enjoyed the weak part 3), you know I can still remember the balmy afternoon that my school pal Mike and I stumbled across the original 18 rated masterpiece on VHS back in 1984 – yep we were 13 and to us this was the best film ever made…

Fantastic special effects, a decent script – especially the Terminator’s response repertoire – and kick ass action violence… these things can have a lasting positive impact on young lads whatever the media currently says!?

So it was with a sense of hope that I approached the Sarah Connor Chronicles, hope boosted by the fact that it starred Lena ‘300’ Headey in the SC role and one of my major film actress crushes Summer ‘Firefly and Serenity’ Glau as sexy new terminator ‘Cameron’.

The pilot plot is something like this: Sarah Connor is on the run with her 15-year-old son John from another Terminator (who looks like a bargain ebay version of Arnie) from the future and still trying to stop the rise of the machines. The mother / son antimachine warrior duo turn up in a small town in New Mexico where school class hottie Cameron turns out to be a protection orientated terminator – handy huh!?

There are the obligatory doofus FBI agency hacks are on their trail and it all kinds of kicks off nicely!! The effects are good, the acting passable and the plot nicely tied into the first two films.

I’m already completely in love with Cameron too – so will be watching avidly as the series grapples with the problematic timeframe / plot of fitting in between T2: Judgement Day and T3: Rise of the Machines.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
- Fanboys rejoice, this is delivering sublime Terminator action thrills.

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- Sets off at a good pace, let’s hope it can go the distance...

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööööö (9)
- Summer Glau is a hottie!

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööö (3)
- Creaks a little but think things will hot up.

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Enough throw away occasional funnies.

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- A worthwhile sci-fi joy!!

Liable to make you:
"Start saving for your own future Cameron model terminator!!"

DM Poster Quote:
“Nice night for a walk, eh? Especially with this hot little terminatrix!”


"secret terminator weaponry extends to having a cute butt!"


"Those machines certainly judged their cup sizes nicely!"

Vote for Cameron? or choose Heroes Cheerleader Claire: http://darkmatt.blogspot.com/2008/10/sci-fi-babes-are-back-heroes-vs.html

Darkmatters: H O M E

Matt Adcock Jumps, sorry, Meets Rachel Bilson

Matt Adcock Meets Rachel Bilson

Rachel Bilson burst onto the acting scene aged 20 as Summer Roberts on the enormously popular TV hit: The O.C. Now she follows up her first jump to the big screen in The Last Kiss, with the part of Millie in the new sci-fi action adventure Jumper alongside Samuel L. Jackson and Hayden Christensen. I caught up with her when she was in London promoting the film.


How would you describe the film?

RB: “It is great fun and such a cool concept – imagine having the power to teleport from place to place – whether it is into a bank vault or across the world to Rome. The possibilities are endless and I think it really fuels the imagination. It is a really good movie for girls too because it is so romantic and there is a wonderful love story which is an important element in the film.”

So how was it playing Millie? What’s kind of girl is she?

RB: “She is a strong girl. She sticks to her guns and will not be pushed around by any boy. She is a good role model. She won’t put up with anything that doesn’t work for her. I think she is admirable. Millie is definitely the love interest, but she is a major part of the movie, the main female in the story. She is David’s close childhood friend; he has always had a crush on her.


It’s easy to see why, what was the most exciting moment for you?

RB: “Filming in Rome was amazing. I had been to Rome before myself, but this time was very special. We
were actually in the Coliseum with no one else there but us doing the filming and it felt like an amazing privilege. It was so exciting and atmospheric. I remember how beautiful it was with the sun coming up – then going down at the end of the day. They were magical moments.”

I guess being whisked off to Rome by a Jumper sets a pretty high bar for a date?

RB: “Yeah being taken to Rome is impressive but you know it really depends on the person taking you. I’d be just as happy to stay in and snuggle on the couch with the right person!”


You have a pretty ‘hot’ scene with Hayden, how was that?

RB: ”Those scenes can be uncomfortable but I was lucky enough to have someone as handsome as Hayden. He’s a ten out of ten kisser!?”


So having kissed Darth Vader are you a fan of sci-fi films?

RB: I wasn’t really a fan of the genre before and hadn’t even seen Hayden in Star Wars but my dad is very into comic books and sci-fi. Now having done a sci-fi film myself I respect and love it, and I’ve seen all the Star Wars films too – those Ewoks are cool.


Erm, okay. You get involved in several action scenes in Jumper, what was that like?

RB: “This film was so challenging physically and mentally - it has been the best experience I’ve ever had. I got some bruises and scratches doing the action stuff and I got to slap Hayden plus when he was down I kicked him too – I’m not sure if you see that but it was fun.”

This week if you’re looking for something a little less mushy than the usual Valentine’s Day romances, might I suggest you take a 'jump' with Rachel.

Read my review of Jumper here: Jumper Review

Darkmatters: H O M E

Jumper - review

"see the movie - travel the world from the cinema!"

Jumper (12a)

Dir. Doug Liman

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Go anywhere, do anything – there really are no limits…
Welcome to a reality where in addition to us normal types, there are also folks who can ‘jump’ and I don’t mean as in ‘hop, skip and…’, I mean teleport across any distance in an instant. For these lucky few - no traffic jams, no airport check ins or even queuing in line to pay for goods, the only downside is that they are remorselessly hunted by a fanatical group sworn to wipe their kind from the face of the earth.
Director Doug ‘Bourne Identity’ Liman has made his ‘jump’ to sci-fi after delivering the achingly cool ‘Go’, the laugh out loud ‘Swingers’ and the action packed ‘Mr. and Mrs Smith’. Jumper sees hero David Rice (Hayden Christensen who’ll be back on screen soon in another sci-fi blast – Neuromancer) discovering he has the ability to teleport to any place that he can visualise. Obviously the first thing he does is to pop into his local bank and make a sizable withdrawal from their locked vault. However his new highflying, or should I say jumping, lifestyle is jeopardised when he’s visited by a Paladin named Roland (Samuel L. Jackson on auto ‘bad-guy’ pilot mode) who wants him dead. From then on Rice has little choice but to team up with a fellow Jumper named Griffin (Jamie Bell) who was orphaned by the Paladins and has spent his life fighting back on behalf of Jumpers.
Also on hand is a rather delicious love interest Millie (Rachel ‘The O.C.’ Bilson) who has a knack of getting herself captured or generally imperilled at the most unhelpful times. So cue much jumping, fighting and pondering the metaphysical unlikelihood of all this dimensional shifting (the plot is based on the Steven Gould novel). There are some superb location shots ranging from The Sphinx, The Eiffel Tower, Griffin’s dessert based hideaway etc – pick of the bunch being an impromptu fight in the Coliseum in Rome.
Jumper slaps a lot of very cool elements together including some top notch special ‘jumping’ effects from the people behind The Matrix but ultimately it doesn’t quite deliver on the sum of its parts. For me Jumper needed a bit more bite and seemed overly restrained by the twelve certificate. It’s possible a lot of ten year olds are going to love this and marvel at how a jumper who could go anywhere chooses to chill with his Playstation 3 when not fighting Paladins but I’m filing this as ‘okay’ rather than great.

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
- Mind bending concept and some fun to be had.

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
- There's action but it's rarely 'tasty'...

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööööö (9)
- Rachel Bilson is a hottie!

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööö (4)
- A little but it all tends to crack along at a fair pace

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Some scenes will have you laughing

Arbitrary final rating: öööööö (6)
- Good rather than great but worth watching none-the-less

Liable to make you:
"Wanna be able to 'jump', realise you can't, so instead reach for the travel brochure"

DM Poster Quote (just because I've been playing SingStar with my kids?):
“I get up, and nothing gets me down. You got it tough but I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real...
Oh can't you see me standing here, I've got my back against the record machine.
I aint the worst that youve seen. Oh cant you see what I mean ?
Might as well jump.
Might as well jump!”


"this isn't a shot from the film but it certainly shows off miss Bilson very nicely!"

Matt Adcock Meets Rachel Bilson - read it here

Darkmatters: H O M E

Darkmatters Juno Competition

"So - are you like gonna enter that Darkmatters competition?"


Slurp and Chat on us...

The good people over at Fox have made some cool Juno prizes available exclusively to readers of Darkmatters...

All you have to do to be in with the chance to bag your very own Hamburger Phone or Juno slushy cup is this:

Fill in the blanks in this Juno quote -

"You should've gone to _____, you know, 'cause I hear they give away _______ like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those _-_____ ___s and shoot them out at sporting events."

Then tell me what you think Juno should have named her unplanned baby?

Email entries to: darkmatters@another.com


- The Editor's decision is final.

If you haven't seen the film yet you really should it's great!!

Read: Matt meets Ellen Page - (click here)

Darkmatters: H O M E

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane - review

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (18)

Dir. Jonathan Levine

Reviewed by Matt Adcock (@Cleric20)

There she is boys, Mandy Lane. Untouched, pure. Since the dawn of junior year men have tried to possess her, and yet to date - all have failed. Some have even died in their reckless pursuit of this angel.

Everybody has met someone like Mandy Lane, cute, innocent and highly desirable, a real knockout and cool with it. She flits through the male population setting hearts on fire wherever she goes. Admirably clean living – just saying ‘no’ to drugs and booze, Mandy Lane is a textbook babe – the sort of girl you’re mum would like you bring home.

But over a wild weekend at a secluded Texan ranch what promises at first to be fun escape for Mandy (Amber ‘Alpha Dog’ Heard) and five of her school classmates turns from potential romantic dream into fully fledged horror nightmare.

‘All the Boys Love…’ comes on like a hip new insight into teen culture, complete with insecurities, bravado and daring do but before long we’re up to our ears in a red blooded slasher film that is tipping it’s blood soaked hat to the classic horror films of the ‘70s. And ‘All the Boy Love…’ doesn’t mess about – this is a hard, grizzly, exercise in nail biting suspense. The good looking cast might start of looking like a bunch of models on vacation but pretty soon you’ll be wondering who will survive and what will be left of them as an unwelcome psychotic killer gatecrasher seems to want Mandy all to themselves. All the boys are certainly dying to be with her - literally…

I can’t praise Amber Heard enough for her depiction of Mandy Lane, she’s set a new standard for bringing sexy back in every scene. The rest of the cast all do their thing admirably too whilst first time director Jonathan Levine has a great eye for quality cinematic shots, decent scares and a great twist ending. ‘All the Boys Love…’ is that rare beast – a quality horror film that has real cinematic merit and plot elements that will be talked about for years to come.

If you’re after some seriously gruesome thrills, mixed with well-observed teenage high jinks and a really pervasive mounting sense of dread that doesn’t let up until the final frame, go for a night out with Mandy Lane… What’s not to love?

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööööö (9)
- It's a rush from beginning to end!!

Tasty Action: ööööööööö (9)
- Lots of well constructed horror

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööööö (10)
- Amber Heard is a goddess, her pals arn't bad (or shy) either

Mind Blight / Boredom: öö (2)
- Excellently written and superbly produced

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- Some well observed dark humour

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
- Horror rarely gets this good, go check it out!!

Liable to make you:
"Fall in love with Mandy Lane and pray for a sequel"

DM Poster Quote:
“All the horror fans love Mandy Lane”


"Mandy Lane... innocent supervixen supreme!"

See more of Amber Heard here:
Amber Heard -New Film Hottie

Darkmatters: H O M E

Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence

Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence (TBA)

Dir. Dan Cregan

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

As my dear mum said to me at an early age "everyone has violence in them", it just seems that ‘Princess’ voiced by Paula Garcés has more than most though – she’s the 12-year-old star of this stunning short animated prequel to the forthcoming full feature film ‘Red Princess Blues’.

Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence is the work of Dan Cregan - Creative Director of the visual effects house known as ‘Numb Robot’ and it comes on like Elektra Assassin: the early years meets MTV’s The Maxx.

Filmed from the point of view of ‘Princess’, this is the scene-setting tale of how she discovers the ‘Book of Violence’ and her seemingly innate talent for handling weaponry… which bodes well for a possible rampaging orgy of vengeance that we can look forward to in the main film. Think Natalie Portman in ‘Leon’ preparing to be something like Anne Parillaud in 'Nikita' (two of my favourite films there) = high expectations!!

The animation on offer here is impressive; bringing a unique style, which I hope, will be mirrored in the live action feature film. As tasters go Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence certainly whets the appetite and should certainly be checked out by anyone who enjoys anime / adult friendly animation. This is seven minutes you will not forget in a hurry!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
- Sets the scene nicely...

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- Palpable tension

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööö (5)
- Princess is likely to be hot when she's grown up in the main film!

Mind Blight / Boredom: öö (2)
- Only 7 mins so no time to be dull

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- Not going for a comedy vibe

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- A strong and intreguing prequel

Liable to make you:
"poke around your nearest bookshop - looking for books of violence"

DM Poster Quote:
“Some people have a talent for violence... meet Princess”


"Open with caution - this is the 'book of violence'"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Hitman - Darkmatters Competition Winners

So it's been over a month and the entries are in...

Here are top 'fantasy hits' submitted - names taken off to protect the innocent - some of you have won so check your emails / watch the post for Hitman branded goodies coming your way!! What can I say except that you're sick bunch... but I love ya!!

The 'Best' HIT
I'd have Noel Edmonds as my fantasy hit, chopped up and stuffed into those 15 red boxes.
Deal he he...

The 'Tasty' HIT
I’d take out Gordon Ramsey with exploding tomatoes. I’d kidnap one of the chefs appearing on “Ramsey’s kitchen nightmares” and leave a resignation letter that I get the chef to sign saying something like “I find it impossible to work with that man Ramsey…etc.”, then present myself that day as a chef (with forged references - they’ll be so desperate to take me on that they won’t check them). I prepare a salad and slip in some of the explosive tomatoes that I’ve had specially made. I do the presentation of the salad so badly that Ramsey shouts and screams and takes over saying “this is how you present a f******* salad”. I then take a few steps back and detonate the tomatoes by remote control. In all the ensuing chaos I flee…Job done.

The 'Can relate to' HIT
I would like to fantasy hit the person who was in front of me at tesco on christmas eve and had the last turkey

The 'Savage' HIT
I would assassinate Louis Walsh by method of strangling him with my barehands! (while playing Same Difference in earphones on his head). Can you tell Im a sad x factor fan?

The 'Might actually happen' HIT
My mum's boyfriend - he dresses in womens clothing (no joke!) and is a sex addict!!!!! How would I accomplish it - I would electrocute his caravan!

The 'Been watching SAW films too much?' HIT
I would take out Pete Doherty I would do this by locking him in a David Blaine style box hung above the River Thames and watching him detox and die infront of the world. To make it even better I would have another box next to him that was full of drugs that he couldn't get to.

The 'Might not need to bother' HIT
I'd have Britney Spears taken out for crimes against fashion. The fashion police will arrest her andsentence her to to a lifetime with a good stylist or death.

The 'Why bother?' HIT
Ok, I’d kill Gareth Gates by convincing him to bungee off the top of a tall building with a cut rope so it breaks!

The 'Overly detailed' HIT
Denis Norden, how it would happen – Filming the 100th “it’ll Be Alright On The Night” and it will go out with a bang, He will be dropping in all his cheesy one liners and his not-so funny jokes, he’ll be in front of the blue/green screens with random images going past, and sand bags all above him. I have two options, 1. cut the ropes that hold up the sandbags, or 2. break his neck and become… Denis Norden for the night… Which I would HATE! So its back to option 1, it would be a busy studio and they would be filming like there’s no tomorrow, I would be disguised as a props man and would have already broken his neck and buried him in the “trash”, I would now be right next to the sand bags and have found a Stanley knife lying on the side, I would pick it up and when he was in position I would slowly start to cut the rope, the bag would fall and crush his neck. As this happened I would walk away casually while everyone else was in a panic rushing towards a flimsy Denis Norden, escaping back to reality...

Look out for the Darkmatters JUNO competition launching this week!

Darkmatters: H O M E

Juno - review

Juno (12a)

Dir. Jason Reitman

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Teenage pregnancy is certainly no laughing matter but cool indie film Juno manages to deliver plenty of sharp comedy as well as a refreshing edginess in tackling a difficult subject head on. Jason ‘Thank You For Smoking’ Reitman directs this poignant and excellently written insight into world that is taboo to many and uncomfortable to most.

Juno MacGuff (the lovely and unbelievably talented Ellen ‘Hard Candy’ Page) is a cool sixteen year old who finds herself pregnant after an ill advised one off liaison with her friend Paulie Bleeker (Michael ‘Superbad’ Cera). Eschewing the option of having a termination, Juno decides to have the baby and to give him/her up for adoption to a successful childless couple. Wannabe parents Mark (Jason Bateman) and Vanessa (Jennifer Garner) seem to have it all and Juno’s surrogate child looks set to complete their lives – but life itself has a funny way of throwing a curve ball into any situation and Juno turns out to be no fairytale.

Page has been Oscar nominated for her performance as Juno and it’s easy to see why. Juno is a girl who sparkles with a spiky clued up subversive attitude – a mature acceptance of how her life has fundamentally changed and the repercussions of her foolish actions. Juno’s parents (a brilliant combination of dad - Mac J.K. Simmons and step mum Bren - Allison Janney) are fantastic in their relationship with their daughter offering unstinting support and a tangible feeling of parental love.

Juno has so much going for it, a fantastic cast, a rich and kookily left field comic vein and even a cool soundtrack. Respect must be given to the filmmakers for not shirking the difficult issues faced by the characters and packs sufficient dramatic complications to make this absolutely compulsive watching. It is also possibly important to note that this is the film where a torch of being the new ‘hot upcoming actress’ is passed from Jennifer Garner to Ellen Page.
I freely confess that I wasn’t really ‘expecting’ a lot from Juno despite it being up for the Best Picture Oscar, just goes to show that sometimes it might be worth taking a risk on a young pregnant girl – because she might just blow your socks off, um, you hopefully know what I mean!? This is a comedy about growing up... and the bumps along the way, I’d say that it’s also potentially the best comedy of the year already. Treat yourself, go and check it!

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
- wild and wacky things to ponder here...

Tasty Action: öööööö (6)
- No gunfights or kung fu but emotional sparring aplenty

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööööö (8)
- Ellen Page is gorgeous in a cool 'off beat' way

Mind Blight / Boredom: öö (2)
- No dull moments

Comedic Value: öööööööö (8)
- Quality and smart funny stuff

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
- A perfect storm of superb writing and great performances

Liable to make you:
"reconsider how smart teenagers can be"

DM Poster Quote:
“You'll fall for Juno... ”


"please note - it's not the shaking hands that gets you pregnant"

Read: Matt meets Ellen Page - (click here)

Darkmatters: H O M E

Cloverfield - review

Cloverfield (15)

Dir. Matt Reeves

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

After standing strong in the face of terrible terrorist atrocities and soul destroying stock market crashes, New York has finally been comprehensively taken apart and there’s absolutely nothing we can do… except record it on camcorder of course.

Cloverfield is a film that I have been really looking forward to, and this is without knowing virtually anything about it. So hats off to a fantastic marketing campaign which has used the web in a way that only perhaps The Blair Witch Project has managed before –drip-feeding film fans with tasty snippets of info. Of course the carefully ‘leaked’ money shot of the Statue of Liberty’s head being blown off and smashing to earth in a residential Manhattan street help up expectations somewhat – and now finally the mystery is unveiled on the big screen.

If you don’t know any of the plot and want to keep it that way skip now to the end paragraph which begins with ** - Cloverfield you see is a monster movie par excellence and it’s better the less you know about it.

It seems that something somewhere (be that the depths of the ocean, in the darkness of outer space or from a scientific testing ground) has been watching Godzilla flicks and thought ‘I could do that’ – a case for the corrupting influence of films perhaps? So we get a large angry mutant alien of some kind laying waste to New York. Nobody knows why but that doesn’t really matter – we get to witness the attack through the viewpoint of ‘everyguy’ Hud (T.J. Miller – no you probably haven’t heard of him) who handily wields a virtually indestructible camcorder with battery life which Duracell can only dream of. It all kicks off during the farewell party for ‘nice and slightly heroic guy’ Rob (Michael Stahl-David – nope not heard of him either), who is off to Japan for a dream career move. Seems he’s gone and fallen for his best friend, ‘good looking but vacant’ Beth (Odette Yustman – who?), so when the creature’s attack leaves her trapped and injured, Rob has to do the macho thing and risk life and limb to try and save her.

** Director Matt Reeves has teamed up with ‘Lost’ genius J.J. Abrams and the result is the best slice of big screen monster mayhem that you’ve seen for some time, but it might not please everyone. Prepare yourself for an overload of shaky ‘on the run’ camera angles and seemingly unscripted dialogue. Cloverfield is a love story at heart and whilst some of the people who I saw this with expressed a wish to see more of the uninvited party crasher, this is no Godzilla 2. In fact one ‘loudly whingeing cinemagoer’ Kate John told me that she’d “never been so bored, but liked the bit where the monster went ‘raaagh!’” – Hhhmmm, make of that what you will…

DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööö (7)
- keeps you guessing and gripped...

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- some monster mash but mostly 'people in peril' - please just keep the damn camera still!?

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)
- unknown cuties ahoy...

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööö (3)
- somepeople seemed to find it dull, I wasn't one of them!?

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Couple of funny moments

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööö (8)
- When the world ends... It will be on tape baby!!

Liable to make you:
“invest in a camcorder 'just in case'"

DM Poster Quote:
“see that creature on You Tube? It wants a word with you... ”


"that's so freaky even the poster girl is checking it out!?"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Matt Adcock meets Ellen Page

"cool"


"almost 21"


"and did I mention cool?"

Matt Adcock meets Ellen Page

So there I am in this swish London hotel and suddenly I’m joined by the cutest, coolest, shortest and possibly ‘most likely to be mistaken for a pixie-est’ ever – Ellen Page. Almost 21, fresh from bagging an Oscar nomination and riding the wave of positive buzz around new Oscar nominated film Juno (which is excellent by the way), Ellen radiates a beguiling mixture of shyness and confidence, for a minute I don’t quite know what to say.


MA: Ellen hey, I’m a fan. You’ve already played some incredible characters, what attracted you to the role of a pregnant teenager Juno?

EP: I was blown away when I read the screenplay and just wanted to be that girl. I love this character because she’s so interesting. She is honest; she stays true to herself and it’s so refreshing to find someone like that in a movie. I just feel really passionate about this film. I think it is appealing to play someone who is outside the typical teen stereotypes that you see on film.


MA: What can you say about Juno herself, what kind of girl is she?

EP: Juno says what she thinks and listens to her own kind of music, she is not influenced by fashion or trends. She likes what she likes and wears the clothes she wants to wear. She could not care less about the way people are judging her or what anyone thinks of her and I really respect that.


MA: The Music is a real feature in the film, did you have a say in picking it?

EP: I did. Early on I was in Jason Reitman’s office with him and he asked me what kind of music I thought Juno would listen to and I said instantly ‘The Moldy Peaches.’ I went onto his computer and played him some songs by them and he liked it and decided to them.


MA: You’ve played some dark roles, was it a conscious decision to choose a comedy at this point in your career and are there any film genres you wouldn’t consider?

EP: It just made sense for me to do this comedy after my film An American Crime. It was a very hard film to shoot, especially because it was based on a true story about a teenager that was very dark and disturbing and upsetting. I remember just thinking at the end of that film: ‘oh my God I have to do comedy next, I have to laugh’. So I was delighted to do Juno. And I’m pretty interested in whatever good roles come along whatever the genre – although I may not do any porn.


MA: Your youthful looks must be handy for playing a sixteen year old, but do people generally treat you as younger?

EP: I can’t even begin to tell you, it’s a daily thing. I really believe that ageism exists and I suffer from it. I am sometimes treated really badly because I do look young. People always think I’m younger than I am and I’m often asked for my driving license.


It’s true though – Ellen might have played a paedophile hunting vigilante in Hard Candy and an iconic X-men super heroine in Xmen: The Last Stand but it’s smart, left field role as a young teenage mother-to-be Juno that has really ignited their career. And although only just over 5 foot, I predict they are going to be huge.





Darkmatters: H O M E

Call Of Duty 4 Modern Warfare - review

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (PS3)

Reviewed by Matt 'Cleric20' Adcock

Report marine, you horrible little grunt…
This is the real thing – well as near to the real thing as is currently possible on any games console – so prepare yourself.

Activision are sending you and a crack squad of elite soldiers into a dangerous warzone where you’ll need razor fast reflexes, a strong strategic brain and most of all, a comfy sofa because this hop is so good that you're going to be playing for some time!!

If the words ‘explosive action’ make you excited, then Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare might just tip you over the edge. Kiss goodbye to your social life, family and friends (unless they have PS3's too – then join them online), because never before has a FPS (first person shooter) been quite so cool, playable, graphically impressive and downright fun – and yes I’ve played Halo 1-3, Warhawk and the Orange Box…

This game looks amazing enough in the cut scenes but you really will have to pinch yourself when you see this baby’s in game play running in high def glory – smooth – that’s the only word for it. Setting impressive new standards for physics-enabled effects and virtually photo-realistic gaming experience, the only bad news is that this might make other games in your collection look a bit duff in comparison (unless you only own COD4, Uncharted and Ratchet & Clank: Future which together form the current ‘holy trinity’ of beautiful shooters for the PS3 in particular).

The single player rocks – gone are those pesky Nazis and ‘played this a million times already’ WW2 campaigns, in come terrorist cells and paid mercenaries wielding tactical nuclear weapons and taking no prisoners. Suffice to say that the single player game is fun, frantic and rewarding, especially as you can unlock some great bonuses like an ‘arcade mode’ which makes replaying it for ‘points per kill’ a real treat. The plot is kinda Tom Clancy-ish and best experienced first hand rather than read about in advance.

Then there’s the multiplayer which I was introduced to by a work colleague – we’ve been shooting each other online ever since – cheers Robin! Building on the hit Call of Duty 2 online experience, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare sets the bar high for multiplayer by being the most addictive and accessible experience I’ve played online and remarkably it works for gamers of all levels. With a dizzying number of weapon options - assault rifles, machine guns, shotguns, sniper rifles, pistols, multiple types of grenades and some very nifty claymore mines, there is something for everyone, and best of all you can modify your soldier through ‘perks’. This is the role playing lite element which allows you to customise how you play e.g. more life bar or better aim? Self destruct option when shot or radar jamming device... there’s so much depth to this that you’ll be tinkering with your set up until you become the ultimate killing machine.

Accept no substitute – if you only buy one shooter and you value multiplayer over single player, COD4 is your new best friend.

Overall ööööö (5/5 warfare has never been as good)

My PSN gamertag is 'Cleric20' - come and find me online!!


"this is in game - look at the detail - look at the carnage!!"


If you prefer chopping enemies up with a sword... may I suggest you pick a Heavenly Sword: Matt's Heavenly Sword (review)

Aliens vs Predator Requiem - review

"take one iconic space monster"
"add another 'almost as iconic' space monster"

- light the fuse for an all time classic!

Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem (15)

Dir. The Brothers Strause (Greg and Colin)

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Remember - in space, no one can hear you scream.

On Earth, everyone will hear you – it’s just a shame that you’ll probably be screaming ‘I want my money back!!’…

Learning nothing it seems from the minor hit Alien vs. Predator from 2004, except that there is an audience of people who will still pay to see these two iconic creatures – the money men at Twentieth Century Fox have given us Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem (AVP-R).

As big fan of both series of films (I liked the first AVP film) I was stoked at the thought that this just night be the ultimate stand-off between the classic shiny headed, chest bursting, jaw extending xenomorphs and the dreadlocked space hunters with a nifty line in infra-red vision and shoulder mounted laser cannons. Directed by ‘lifelong fans of both franchises’, Greg and Colin Strause, who were eager to recreate the magic of the terrifying space saga and pay homage to the hallmarks that made the originals so memorable.

Set in a modern day small U.S. town, a predator training ship carrying the hybrid ‘predalien’, hinted at in the last AVP film, crash lands leading to a very bad time for the population and an ensuing massive alien infection. A sole predator ‘cleaner’ is dispatched from the predator homeworld – he’s a badass alien exterminator tasked with saving the day before the situation gets out of hand. What’s not to love?

Um, how about just about everything?

AVP-R is a cheap looking, slap in the face of all the Alien or Predator films that have gone before. Gone is anything classy, or any scenes that will make you drop your popcorn and applaud, in fact anything much worthy of praise or merit - apart from some occasionally decent special effects. Instead we get a derisive, predictable and painfully muddled plotline, weak and entirely disposable characters – you know you’re in trouble when the most likeable is the dim blonde love interest Jesse (Kristen Hager).

"Miss Hager shows off her acting skills"  

Then there’s the supposedly heroic Dallas (yes the namesake of the Captain in the original Alien) played by Steven Pasquale – not sure if he’s any relation to Joe - an ‘off the shelf’ bad boy who specialises in shouting out a running commentary on what’s happening right in front of him like: “People are dying... we need guns!”

So how can you enjoy the slack jawed and ‘trying a bit too hard to be nasty’ thrills on offer in AVP-R? I’d advise unplugging your brain and leaving behind any love you have for the Alien or Predator films thus far - approach AVP-R with very limited expectations and they might just be met.

Having said that if seeing a ward of pregnant women being overrun by aliens, a young boy having his stomach burst our after seeing his father die the same way and actually finding yourself starting to feel sorry for the Predator that seems to have to wander around aimlessly for quite a lot of the screen time appeals to you… Step this way!

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008 (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö (9)
- Chronic and dangerous levels, approach with caution

Comedic Value: ööööö (5)
- Laughable more like!

Endorphin Stimulation: ö (1)- flatline excitement levels...

Tasty Action: öö (2)
- couple of almost interesting fights, but most of the 'action' is badly directed and lacks punch

Arbitrary final rating: ööö (3)
- The brothers Strause should be impregnated with alien spawn...

Liable to make you:
“weep for how bigger missed opportunity this was... and how crap it is!"

DM Poster Quote:
“They really should have stayed in space ”

In the Valley of Elah - review

In the Valley of Elah (15)

Dir. Paul Haggis

Reviewed by Matt Adcock


The Valley of Elah is the middle-eastern place noted in the Bible where the young shepherd boy (and one day King) David managed to kill the Philistine giant warrior champion Goliath – with nothing more than a well-aimed slingshot. This is the epic recreation of the that famous battle, no actually this is Paul ‘Crash’ Haggis’ cutting anti-war film that rips the jugular out of any romantic notions that signing up for the armed forces is cool or praiseworthy.

Tommy Lee Jones is on top form as Hank Deerfield, a retired Sergeant whose soldier son Mike has mysteriously disappeared after coming back from his latest tour of duty in Iraq. Charlize Theron plays detective Emily Sanders who gets dragged into the investigation when it looks like there may be foul play – and a possible military cover-up due to ‘something that happened involving Mike overseas’.
Jones is awesome as the devoted father, determined to find out what happened to his son, sketchy clues to which he uncovers on media files recorded on Mike's mobile phone. Haggis who wrote as well as directs stirs up a veritable hornets nest of rage and anguish, grief and betrayal, but all of it is ratcheted up in a slow burning way. Whilst In the Valley of Elah is no action thriller, it is a gripping, smouldering fuse that leads all the while to something very nasty.

If looking for a feel good or life-affirming movie, you should move along – watching Elah is like taking a depressing punch to the frontal cortex (that part of the brain generally thought to be where higher-level thinking takes place). The plot unfurls at a walking pace but you won’t be able to help yourself thinking ahead, all the while trying to figure out ‘whodunit’ and perhaps more importantly ‘why did they do it’?

There is excellent chemistry between Jones and Theron (in a wonderfully friends trying to help each other way); plus there are moments of stunning cinematography that elevate this over and above your average ‘war screws you up’ political effort. Elah hasn’t been very well received in the States, which doesn’t surprise me as it makes for a pretty damning case against the current administration’s foreign policy on Iraq. With this and No Country for Old Men, Jones has found a superb vein of recent form and this film has brought him an Oscar nominations to boot.

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008 (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööö (6)
- 'thinking' rather than being 'blown away with excitement'

Tasty Action: öööö (4)
- not masses but some bursts of tension

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)
- Theron is hot in an understated way here

Mind Blight / Boredom: öööö (4)
- this won't keep everyone on the edge of their seats (brain required)

Comedic Value: öööö (4)
- Not a comedy by any definition

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööö (7)
- Quality film, powerfully made and packed with decent acting but maybe not a classic

Liable to make you:
“vow not to sign up for the armed forces"

DM Poster Quote:
“if we create killing machines, can we expect them to stop?”

"so I heard you have a thing about Oscar nomated stars!?"

Darkmatters: H O M E

Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - review

Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (18)

Dir. Tim Burton

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

A dangerous spirit can be found haunting Old London Town. A dashing new barber has set up shop in Fleet Street guaranteeing the ‘closest shave you’ll ever have’ – not to mention that it could well be also the last shave you’ll ever have!? Believe me when I tell you that there’s no one who can handle a cutthroat razor quite like the talented Mr Sweeney Todd.

Strangely it seems business is also unnaturally brisk in Mrs Lovett's pie-shop situated right underneath Mr Todd’s barbers… There’s something quite special and yet hard to put your finger in – sorry I mean on - about Lovett’s new secret recipe ‘meat’ pies.

So cor blimey governor if this ain’t Tim Burton’s new musical sing a long horror show that takes the Broadway hit musical and brings it lavishly to superb big screen life. But before you rush out and book your tickets for a family night out of show tunes in the company of the wickedly cool Johnny Depp and the ‘never been more gothic – and that’s really saying something’ Helena Bonham Carter, be advised that is a red-blooded eighteen certificate film that comes with serious graphic slaughter to rival certain chainsaw wielding maniacs.

This latest incarnation of Sweeney Todd drips Burton’s trademark gothic visual flair, delivering a ticket to a fantastic archetypal Victorian London where revenge is the order of the day and vengeance driven homicidal tendencies go hand in hand with cannibalistic appetites. It certainly isn’t a very happy tale; in fact this is possibly the nastiest and most head wracking work of musical desolation ever to offer it’s dark heart to public gaze. But if you’ve the stomach for powerhouse gut-churning horror mixed with darkly comic tragedy – this will ravish your senses to within an inch of their life.

Depp is just awesome in the title role, notching up another iconic character with ease. Seems Mr Depp can sing too which helps as virtually all of the dialogue is sung, so make sure you’re ready for ditties about selecting murder victims, heartbreaking pain and general unpleasantness in lieu of witty banter. Some quality brief light relief comes in the riotous form of Sacha ‘Borat’ Baron Cohen whose faux Italian barber ‘Pirelli’ sports a cockney accent that puts even Depp’s to shame and is a character worthy of having his own whole spin off film. Yes, pretty much everything on offer here is premium high-class entertainment even if it deals in thoroughly unpleasant subject matter – don’t let that stop you singing along!

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008 (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: öööööööö (8)
- There will be blood, by the bucketfull!!

Tasty Action: ööööööö (7)
- Killing in the name of... revenge, singing all the while.

Gratuitous Babeness: ööööööö (7)
- Jayne Wisener (Johanna) is a hottie to watch, HBC still looks good too!

Mind Blight / Boredom: ö (1)
- None unless singing puts you to sleep.

Comedic Value: ööööööö (7)
- Black comedy with a sharp edge...

Arbitrary final rating: ööööööööö (9)
- An awesome cinematic experience!

Liable to make you:
“Not choose a wet shave at a barbers anytime soon"

DM Poster Quote:
“Don't miss this bloody brilliant tale, not by the hair on your chinny chin chin!?”


"stunning!!"

Darkmatters: H O M E

No Country for Old Men - review

No Country for Old Men (15)

Dir. Joel and Ethan Coen

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

In the land of the free they say that ‘there are no clean getaways’, and No Country for Old Men takes that notion and splatters it large across the screen in a stunning, violent modern classic. Opening with a fantastically barren Texas vista, a captivating voice-over sucks you immediately into the world of central protagonists Vietnam vet Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin) and washed up sheriff Ed Tom Bell (a never better Tommy Lee Jones).

So one day Moss stumbles upon and takes a bag containing millions of dollars, the previous owners of which are now conspicuously dead in a rather obvious drug deal gone wrong. This is the trigger to a nail-biting odyssey that sees all manner of very nasty characters on the trail of the ill-gotten bounty. The plot is a faithful adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's highly charged but desperately bleak novel, which the Coen brothers have taken and wreathed in classy noir western, hard-boiled road movie styling.

Thrillers just don’t come much tenser or with a more palpable air of danger – No Country for Old Men plays like a super charged western style sequel to my favourite Coen brother’s film up until now - their debut Blood Simple.

Here is a movie where everything is up for grabs; the gathering storm that whirls around the loot evokes a feeling of how one bad choice can lead to unprecedented life wrecking repercussions.
Credit must also go to Woody Harrelson who delivers over and above the call of duty as a slick hit man ‘cleaner’ sent in by a crime boss to try and sort out the escalating situation. But even he can’t hold a candle to the unstoppable killing machine psycho named Anton Chigurh (Javier Bordem), the scariest cattle abattoir gun wielding, remorseless bad guy you’ll ever wish to meet. Here’s a tip, if you meet a blank faced bowl cut styled lunatic like Chigurh, the chances are he’ll be the last thing you ever see – and if he asks you call ‘heads or tails’ on a coin toss, at least you’ll have a fifty percent chance of living…

No Country for Old Men is an awesome experience - a perfect storm of a talented cast, quality source material and stunning direction, mixed with jaw dropping cinematography and the best use of sound in a film ever? The first contender for film of the year already!!

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008 (all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööööööööö (9)
- This will make you think 'dear God is there hope for any of us in the face of unfathomable evil?'

Tasty Action: öööööööö (8)
- Some wicked shoot outs, chases and stand offs

Gratuitous Babeness: öööööö (6)
- Kelly 'Diane from Trainspotting' Macdonald is still cute

Mind Blight / Boredom: ö (1)
- Long but only those with ADHD will get at all bored

Comedic Value: öööööö (6)
- Sly dark humour, but certainly not a comedy

Arbitrary final rating: öööööööööö (10)
- An awesome cinematic experience!

Liable to make you:
“Saddle up and search the prairie for $2million in drug money, or buy an abattoir cattle gun ”

DM Poster Quote:
“Somewhere in the darkness of men's souls lies redemption… just not here...”

Darkmatters: H O M E

P.S. I Love You - review

"Look out - he's behind you!!"

P.S. I Love You (12a)

Dir. Richard LaGravenese

Reviewed by Matt Adcock

Prepare yourself – this just might be the most horrific cinematic experience you have in 2008. Imagine a sick film where a grieving widow is maliciously stalked by a maniac who sends her sinister letters supposedly signed by her dead husband… Actually that’s not true, change the stalking maniac to the woman’s utterly obsessed husband who is actually tricking her into thinking that he’s dead – all the while laughing at her from beyond the grave… ingeniously messed up huh?
Oh it’s no use, there’s no way I can try and make P.S. I Love You sound any better than it is and that’s the very worst kind of soppy, schmaltzy supposedly romantic comedy, utterly bereft of either romance, or comedy.

Hilary ‘Million Dollar Baby’ Swank, might be a great actress but she’s neither cute nor funny enough to salvage this turgid festering cesspool of irritating boredom. And in this sorry and mildly unsettling tale of how her hunky Irish husband (Gerald ‘300’ Butler) dies young but finds the time to somehow write lots of letters, arrange holidays and other ‘surprises’ to lavish on her after he’s popped his clogs.

If that whole concept doesn’t weird you out then there’s still no reason I can give you to go and see this. Holly (Swank) is one of the most annoying main characters ever committed to film but even she is endearing when compared to her overgrown leprechaun of a husband who needs to tried for crimes against the Irish accent. Butler was outstanding as King Leonidas in 300 last year but here he stinks up the screen to the point that I was delighted when he was killed off prematurely. Alas he’s a hard man to keep down and he pops up again at regular intervals either as a ghost or in vapid flashbacks. Then there’s Lisa Kudrow (still playing Phoebe from Friends) and Harry Connick, Jr who provide some light relief only by not being quite as bad as the two leads,

The only moment of pleasure I had during the whole film was when I turned to see if my mate Tom and his girlfriend were enjoying it as little as I was and found that Tom was actually poking himself in the eye in order to try and stay awake!

P.S. Don’t rob yourself of two hours that you’ll never get back. – go and see something else!!

NEW DARKMATTERS RATING SYSTEM FOR 2008
(all ratings out of maximum 10):

Endorphin Stimulation: ööö
- you might enjoy taking the piss out of it

Tasty Action: ö
- none, unless you count Swank falling off a stage

Gratuitous Babeness: öö
- Swank in a bra really isn't very sexy

Mind Blight / Boredom: ööööööööö
- eye poking recommended

Comedic Value: öö
- very limited mirth

Arbitrary final rating: ö
- P.S. I really don't like you!!


Liable to make you: “Puke sentimental chunks of soppiness”

DM Poster Quote: “Death was too good for him, and her too actually…”



"Irish eyes might be smiling - but that's the only thing in this film!"

Darkmatters: H O M E